Polytheists Must Be Eradicated, Says Group of Monotheist Zealots

A group of monotheist zealots this morning, calling themselves Monotheists For The Eradication Of Polytheists, said they had a plan to rid the world of people who believed in more than one god. “What kind of backward toothless douche bag believes in more than one god,” said spokesman for the group, Sir William Tiniecock. “We here at the M.F.T.E.O.P. have come together to liberate the planet from the virus ridden bile that is polytheism. Only by ending this scourge of evil that sits amongst us can we know how much we are loved by whichever one true god we choose to believe in. It matters not whether we worship Jesus, Allah, or Yahweh, as long as we don’t worship all three of them, we will be saved from an eternity in Hell when we die.”
Sir Tiniecock also said, “Polytheists must be wiped out because they are all gay, and they fornicate, forcibly, with animals. How many times, now, have you come home from work only to find your family dog, cat, or goldfish in tears because your polytheistic neighbor has broken in and raped it while you were away? How many? Ten, Twenty?

Future Victims Of Polytheist Rapists?

Protect Your Pets: Help Eradicate Polytheists

The idea of a beloved pet being raped, even once, should be enough for you to want polytheists to be sent to an island in the South Pacific and fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars until they are completely eradicated. And that is our exact plan for polytheists. Catch ’em. Bag ’em; then ship ’em to the South Pacific to be fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars. We need your prayers, and your donations, to help us capture, and kill, every polytheist on the planet. We know it won’t be easy, and, in most countries, not legal, either, but, it is time these polytheist fuckers are eradicated like the bed bugs they are before they eradicate all of us, and our pets too. Amen.”

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The Arm Chair Pontificator Proudly Presents: An Interview With God

God Reflects On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

God Reflecting On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

A re-post of an oldie but goodie.

God stopped by TACP office this morning desperately needing to use the bathroom.  I told him he could use ours if he’d let me interview him when he was finished, and he agreed.  Here, then, is the first ever interview God has given to anyone since time began. If this doesn’t get me a Nobel Prize AND a Pulitzer, something is seriously rotten in the State of Denmark.

Me: “God, before we begin, I have to ask, did you flush the toilet and wash your hands when you were finished? I don’t want to catch anything.”

God: “Don’t fuck with me, Pontificator. You’re on thin ice with me as it is already!”

Me: “Sorry, God. Won’t happen again.  Now for a question.  Theists tell us we are the reason for which you created this entire universe.  If so, then why did you wait 13.7 billion years AFTER you created it to create us?”

God: “Really? It was THAT long? Didn’t seem like it. Time does fly, eh?  I had planned on making humans BEFORE the dinosaurs, I remember, but I mistakenly brought the dinosaur creation instructions to work that day, and was too tired to drive back home to get the human ones.  So I just made the dinosaurs first.  OK, time for one more question then I’m off to the movies to see, ‘The Hobbit: Battle of The Five Armies.’ I just LOVE Tolkien. So imaginative, he is.”

Me: “God, why did you send your only begotten son, Jesus, to be tortured and killed for our horrific sins when you could’ve just told us yourself you forgave us? You are, after all, God, right?”

God: “I sent my only begotten son to be tortured and killed? Who told you that, Jesus?”

Me: “Well, his disciples said so, and then a bit later, St. Paul, like, went ape-shit about the whole thing. So much so in fact, that some theologians say there’d be no Christianity without him.”

God: “Let me get this right. You’re telling me some dudes Jesus used to fish with started saying I sent him to Earth to be brutally tortured and killed for mankind’s sins. Then, to top it off, you’re saying this St. Paul guy preached so prolifically and widely about it that he was able to create a world-wide religion that’s now lasted 2000 years? And all without a single fucking person ever stopping to realize just how ridiculously implausible the whole thing is?”

Me: “Yep. That’s pretty much what I’m saying.”

God: “I really wish I’d gone back and gotten those human creation instructions and created humans before the dinosaurs like I originally planned. By now you dingbats would be all dead and I’d be watching cool-ass dinosaurs walk around the Earth. You people are truly fucked. I mean truly. You are all fucked.”

With this final profanity riddled statement, God left our offices without bothering to even say goodbye.

Polytheism Caused Disappearance Of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.

I Fucking Hate You All

Jesus Says, I’m Not Happy With You

“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.

Amelia Earhart

Amelia Earhart

Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.

Off To Kill Polytheists

Off To Kill Polytheists

We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”

Q & A With Satan, Prince Of Darkness

TACP is proud to present a Q & A session with none other than the nemesis of goodness himself, Satan. Let’s get right to it, shall we.

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya'd Think

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya’d Think

ACP: How the hell are you, Satan old chum?

Satan: I’ll be better once you get all the innuendos and other types of Satanic word play out of your system and just ask me questions outright. I’m a busy man. I’ve a date tonight with Liz Taylor, and I haven’t a THING to wear. So I’m off to Saks 5th Ave on 5th Ave after this interview to buy a new suit, one I’m hoping can take my heat, if ya get my drift!

ACP: I think I do. Well, I must thank you for agreeing to this interview, Satan. We here at TACP are very proud of the Biblical celebrities who’ve spoken to us over the past several months, and it only seems right that we interview you as well. You take a lot of “heat,” shall we say, for things that are considered wrong with the world. Let me ask you flat-out a big question many have about you: Are you responsible for all the evil in the world? And if so, why? Why bring evil to the world, I mean?

Satan: Well, let me tell you right out that NO! I’m NOT responsible for bad and evil stuff that happens in the world. God is. I didn’t make the Universe from nothing, God did. I didn’t build humans out of clay to do my bidding then get pissed at them cause they ate a banana, and I didn’t toss them out of Paradise for it to suffer on Earth. I had NOTHING to do with ANY of that. Also, I didn’t make ME. God did. The ONLY thing I’ve ever done, is piss off God by laughing at the stupid shit he always does. Shakespeare always tells me I’m like the Fool in “King Lear” who continually tells Lear he fucked up by giving away his land to his psycho daughters who then treat him like crap. I merely point out to God, like the Fool does to Lear, the stupid things he’s done that he doesn’t like pointed out to him. I’ll list a few of them here cause I like doing that:

  1. I pointed out to him, as I still do, that HE created pain and suffering and HE can end it if HE wanted to. He doesn’t like that HE is responsible for EVERYTHING, including all the painful shit that happens, so he tries to blame that stuff all on me: A token fallen angel, whatever the hell that is. I mean, I bloody fell ONCE in my life cause I tripped over a shoe box, once mind you, but other than that, I’ve not fallen from anything ever in my life. I’ve been running Hell, but I’ve always done that since God made it. Hell, I no more made Hell than I made Heaven. I’m only doing the job he made me for. It ain’t my idea to put people down there. It’s God’s. I actually make it kinda nice for folks who go there. Really, it ain’t so bad down there. I mean, it’s HOT, but so’s Hawaii, and people don’t bitch about that, now do they?
  2. God hates it that I continually tell him he’s an asshole for being angry about Adam and Sue (Her name was Sue, not Eve, BTW. Please don’t believe MOST of what those idiots wrote in the Bible. Drunkards. Every last one of ’em.) I mean, Adam and Sue ate a friggin’ banana God said not to. So what? Compared to the shit he’s done, SO BLOODY WHAT? God made pain where none existed before; self-doubt when it’s not needed or good for people to have, and he made Hell, where he places the people HE made to burn for doing things HE could have prevented to begin with. These are the actions of a fool, not a god. Who can argue with this?!

  3. God is a self loving child with little love or compassion for anything but himself. He hates that I always tell him this, but it’s true, and if he wanted me to stop telling it to him, he could make me stop, but he doesn’t. Sigmund Freud tells me it’s because God always wanted to have sex with his mother growing up, but, since he has no mother, his lust is for whoever she might have been, and it’s free-floating and just NASTY. Freud says God’s even more fucked in the head than your average fucked in the head person because of this and NO amount of analysis could help him. He hates himself but won’t admit it, so he keeps me around to torment him for his wrongs. Bad for us, his creations, eh?

So there you have it. God’s an asshole who I mock. Thus, he blames shit on me that’s actually his fault. He made Hell, and it is because of him people suffer. Not me. I’m a fun guy. Really, I’d have to be for being able to put up with God as my boss all these years. He just doesn’t want to face how much he’s fucked everything up because he’s a child: a bratty child who’s so spoiled by his own power and self-love he fails to see just how sick and evil he is. That’s God for you folks, in my humblest opinion. Ta Da!!! Wadda you think?

ACP: WOW! That was quite the summary, Satan. Thanks for sharing that with our readers today. I know you need to run to buy that suit you mentioned, but would you mind coming back some time to fill us with more of your insight into the Divine One’s ways?

Satan: Sure thing. Just gimme a holler, and I’ll pop back up, next week maybe even. We’ll see. Bye now.

ACP: Goodbye. And thanks again for a most informative interview. I kinda like you, Satan. You’re OK in my book.

It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

Lutheran Jesus

Lutheran Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.

Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.

Ken Ham Is The Wolf Man, Says Bill Nye

“And the son of a bitch tried to rip my throat open the night of our debate,” a frightened and shocked Bill Nye told TACP News just a few moments ago. “My brain was so full of endorphins from listening to Ham’s redundant Creationist bullshit all night, I couldn’t get to sleep. So I stopped trying after a while, and decided to watch reruns of my all time favorite TV show, ‘Chips’ instead.

Ham Transforming Into The Wolf Man

Ken Ham Transforming Into The Wolf Man

Somewhere around 3:30 AM, I heard a howl right outside my hotel room door, so bestial in nature, it literally made every hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Quickly following this, I heard scratching on the door, and then a loud growling voice began chanting, ‘Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill! Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill!’  I knew immediately, upon hearing these mind dissolving words once again, that it was Ham clawing at my door for some ungodly reason. In my rush to silence him by striking him with my clenched fist, I tossed open the door to find, not Ken Ham, but the Wolf Man standing there instead. When he saw me, he promptly began clawing for my throat.

Ham Fully Transformed Into The Wolf Man

Ken Ham Fully Transformed Into The Wolf Man

I rushed back into the room, grabbed the hard bound Bible that was on the table near the bed, and began beating the vile wolf beast about the head with it. Because I lift weights regularly, if I may say so myself, I happen to be one incredibly powerful mo’ fo’. Thus, my Bible blows to the Wolf Man’s head quickly rendered the monster unconscious. It slumped to the floor and quickly transformed back into its human form, which just happened to be Ken Ham. When Ham awoke, he found himself where he is as we speak: locked inside a cage inside the Evolutionary Sciences Building at Harvard University. He’s awaiting the arrival of Richard Dawkins who’s been asked to help with the study of Wolf Man Ham to help determine just where on the evolutionary scale of mammalian development he fits.

Bill Nye gives A Big Salute To Science

Bill Nye gives A Big Salute To Science

Funny how things like this work out. By debating me, Ken Ham not only showed how incredibly unscientific Creationism truly is, he also revealed himself to be a previously unknown species of hominid that is part man and part wolf.  A real grand slam event for science, I’d say, eh?”