Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe. To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being. The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears. Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs. It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.
The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water
With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist. I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder. I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens. With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will. Amen
New England Patriots Fan Cries After God Allows Eagles To Win Super Bowl
Foxborough, Massachusetts. New England Patriots fans are saddened today because God announced he favored the Eagles in last night’s Super Bowl, and that’s why they won. “Yeah,” God said earlier, “the Patriots and their fans just didn’t pray hard enough for me to allow them to win this year. The Eagles and the folks in Philly prayed and worshiped my ass SO much longer and harder I just couldn’t let them lose. Lots of Catholics in Philadelphia, too, and that’s NEVER a bad thing. (My son’s a Catholic, FYI). As well, the New England area is starting to crawl with atheists, and there’s no way in the Hell I created that I’m NOT gonna punish THAT sh*t–big time! Of course, just to f**k with Patriots fans, I let the game stay close enough for Tom Brady to pull off one his miracle comebacks before making him fumble the ball so the Eagles could recover and score an additional field goal. Ha, ha, ha! That was a riot. Brady’s a Trump supporter, too, and I HATE that guy, so there’s another reason I let the Eagles win. Yeah, Tom wants to help Trump make America great again cause it’s been just so awful for him living in it. Right, bite me. Any-who, I gotta run. There are a few famines and plagues I’m cooking up to smack Africa with and those take time to do right or they won’t kill and make enough people suffer. We couldn’t let THAT happen now, could we?”
Well, it’s happened again. Another group of people has decided I can no longer belong to their “unique” club. This time it’s the Russian Oligarchs. The bastards. I mean, sure, I’m not Russian; I don’t speak Russian, hell, I’ve never even been anywhere near Russia, and I’m poorer than a church mouse, but SO WHAT!!! If you prick me, will I not bleed like a Russian Oligarch? If you insult me, in English cause I don’t speak Russian, will I not cry like a Russian Oligarch? If you give me tens of billions of dollars, will I not use it to greedily enrich myself and shower myself in gold, diamonds, and sexy babes like Russian Oligarchs do? Of course!
Russian Oligarch Saying: “Who The Fuck Is The Arm Chair Pontificator?”
Just because I was never asked to join the Russian Oligarch club is no reason to kick me out of it. ENOUGH!! Until I’m reinstated into said club, I’m going to crank call every oligarch in Russia, their friends, their families, and even their pets until they cry into their bottles of high alcohol content vodka and beg me to stop. I hope they like their phones ringing at 3AM, because that’s when I’m gonna crank ’em. Get ready to never sleep again, you bigoted Russkies. You bastards have picked on the wrong American! (Don’t say I didn’t warn you).
The following Arm Chair Pontificator produced movies about Donald Trump will be released this year. I produced them because I feel Donald Trump is a spiffy keen fella who simply doesn’t get enough press.
1.) Since It Was There, I Had The Right To Grab It. This film is directed by Francis Ford Coppola and stars Ed Asner as Donald Trump. It consists of a series of vignettes showing Trump grabbing various women by their genitals and shouting, “I’m famous, so I get to do this!” When the women complain about this, we cut to closeups of Republican congress members covering their eyes, putting their fingers in their ears, and/or simply shrugging their shoulders and walking away. The film ends with Trump firing Robert Mueller and Republicans having a kegger party on the White House lawn to celebrate. It will be released this March and will be rated “G” so it can be enjoyed by the whole family.
Ed Asner as Donald Trump
2.) Republicans, Pedophiles, And Christianity. This film is directed by Roman Polanski and stars Harvey Weinstein as Trump, Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell and Bruce Willis as Roy Moore. It’s a road picture with our three leads traveling across the country handing out bibles, hitting on underage girls, and spreading the word of Christ to everyone they meet. Along the way they kick the asses of snowflake liberals and social justice warriors who believe sexual predators and pedophiles should not be running the country. This film is a laugh a minute, and if you don’t think pedophiles and right-wing, theocratic Christians can peacefully co-exist, you will after you see this. It’s rated “R” because of the intense sexual nature of some of the scenes and will be released just in time for Memorial Day. Don’t miss it!
“It wuz da Demmocwats who did it,” says Elmer Fudd as Mitch McConnell
3.) Rich Daddy, Spoiled Donny. This little gem is directed by Stephen Spielberg and stars Bela Lugosi’s corpse as Donald Trump’s father, Frederick, and comedian Carrot Top as the young Donald. The film consists of dozens of scenes of Donald asking his father to: 1.) Get him out of the draft for Vietnam (5 times). 2.) Help him pay off millions of dollars of debt for making idiotic business decisions (17 or 18 times). 3.) Pay for prostitutes to pee on him and/or spank him with rolled up copies of Forbes magazine (too many times to count). 4.) Give him multiple buildings in Manhattan worth tens of millions of dollars apiece without having to lift a finger to earn them. 5.) Make the many lawsuits against him for not paying his employees simply “go away” without any questions asked. Watch Donald throw hissy-fits every time his father tries to deny him a request. Watch as Donald pouts, cries, shouts, and breaks things until his father caves in to his every demand. This is a harrowing tale of how a very, very rich man turned his son into a spoiled rotten, impish man-child by giving in to his every demand no matter how extreme or obscene. Keep the kiddies at home for this one folks. Only the most mature audience members will be able to witness the creation of the infantile brat who now leads America without coming away with a severe case of clinical depression. The film is rated NC17 for this reason and will be released at the end of August.
Carrot Top as the young Donald Trump
As President Donald Trump has repeatedly stated, he is the MOST non-racist person any one could ever meet. Who are we to doubt ’em, eh? What many people don’t know, however, is that many other non-racist people have held powerful positions throughout history. Here are but a few.
The great Julius Caesar said this as he first entered Gaul: “I’m not a racist! I’m not killing and enslaving millions of you Gauls because of your race. I merely want your country, and you are resisting me. But truly, I’m NOT doing this because of your race. Again, I’m NOT a racist. I’m more non-racist than any other conquer you’ll ever meet. Really, I am. Really.”
Charlemagne was known to say this of the pagans he was converting to Christianity: “Stories about my racism are greatly exaggerated. Yes, I’m traveling into non-Christian areas and killing pagans who will not convert. BUT, I’m NOT killing them based on their race. They only die if they won’t convert, and this is a good thing. Non-Christians are the bane of existence and viewed by the All Loving Jesus as horrid wretches who deserve painful deaths and an eternity of suffering in Hell. So, as you can see, I’m very, very non-racist. OK?”
Martin Luther very simply once said of Jews, “I don’t hate Jews because I’m a racist. I hate them because they’re nasty, evil, conniving little shits who don’t believe in Jesus. I rest my case.”
And finally, the biggest non-racist in history, next to Donald Trump that is, Adolph Hitler had this to say on racism: “Never in the history of humanity has there been a more non-racist person than me. I love ALL people. Do I love Jews? Of course not. Why? Because they’re not people. They’re animals. Thus, in light of this fact, I’m not racist and have never hurt another human being in any way, ever. Really, I haven’t. I mean that. You believe me, right?”