To all my 5 billion world-wide readers and to all my friends at the Nobel Prize Committee, have a Merry God Damn Christmas and a Mother Effing Great New Year! $Amen$
Here are few pics of Donald Trump that beg the question, “Is he a man, or a baby?”
Trump City, Russia. In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store. “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked. “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’ We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces. It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse. Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”
When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions. Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores. You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.
Happy Thanksgiving from The Armchair Pontificator to all my readers on this glorious day of love, togetherness and thankfulness celebrated throughout America! And, please, no matter where you are in the world today, or who who are with, give someone a big, fat hug of thankfulness for me. It’ll make ya’ feel good. (As long as ya’ don’t get too handsy, that is.)
Quid Pro Quo City, Ukraine. In a shocking statement this morning Nancy Pelosi, the Democratic Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced her plan to ask China to help Democrats win in 2020. “I mean, why the hell not,” said Speaker Pelosi. “President Trump and the GOP have been doing things like this for years. Hell, I doubt they could’ve won ANY election in the past 20 years without outside help. So, I figure, it’s about time we did the same thing to help keep the political playing field level. I was just on the phone with Chinese President, Xi Jinping, and promised him that if he can get us dirt on, and nude photos of, Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, we would gladly lift all tariffs on Chinese goods when we take over the Federal Government in 2021. He was more than happy to oblige me and even said, ‘What took you so long to call? We’ve been eager to help you guys cheat to catch up with the GOP for years now! Hee Haw! Time to kick some Republican ass!’ Needless to say, we Democrats are thrilled with this development and hope to use Chinese help to seriously bend the 2020 elections in our favor. Well, until then, God bless America. God bless Democracy, and God bless free, open, and fair elections.”
10.) I should not have told the cop who pulled me over for speeding that I’d stop sleeping with his wife if he didn’t give me a ticket.
9.) I should not have had a full plate of re-fried beans for dinner an hour before my girlfriend performed oral sex on me.
8.) I should not have wandered into a children’s ward in the hospital wearing nothing but a smile and an orange condom.
7.) I should not have released a bag of a thousand spiders and centipedes on the food buffet table at my 89 year old grandmother’s birthday party.
6.) I should not have entered a local talent contest as a cat juggler and tried to juggle 6 adult cats at once. (BAD idea!)
5.) I should not have tried to save money by using the leaves from an elephant ear plant as a diaper for my 6 month old niece.
4.) I should not have dressed as a rabbi and tried to circumcise my Jewish neighbor’s son, especially because he was 6 years old and already circumcised.
3.) I should not have thought using a can of compressed air as toilet paper would do a sufficient job of cleaning my rump after going number two.
2.) I should not have bit down on my dentist’s finger as hard as I could “just to see what would happen” during a routine dental cleaning.
1.) I should not have prank-called the members of the the Nobel Prize Committee threatening to “kick their asses for refusing to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize” without using a burner phone. (Did you realize YOUR number shows up on OTHER people’s phones when you call them? Go figure!)
As some of my readers may know, I’m running for the Senate in 2020 on the following platform: We need to rid America of the pestilence that is poverty by building gas chambers and crematoriums throughout our great country to “get rid” of the poor, the elderly and the disabled–ain’t nuttin worse than a poor AND disabled person, BTW–by gassing and cremating the lazy bastards, ASAP.
I’m SICK and tired of the poor! SICK OF THEM!!!! It is SO obvious that the poor are poor by choice due to their laziness. This is simply NOT arguable. Anyone arguing otherwise is a leftist, liberal, SJW piece of crap unable to have calm, rational, non-name-calling discussions. Period. We also need to make America a Christian theocracy and put an end to the craziness that is gay marriage and gay “people” in general. Being gay, like being poor, is a conscious CHOICE done by lazy people who refuse to do the work necessary to be true, God-loving, decent, non-poor, non-disabled, tax-paying, Jesus- worshiping, heterosexual human beings. Again, these are facts and are inerrant in their truth. To deny this is to admit ones own laziness and to brand oneself as a liberal, leftist, snowflake, whining, Hillary-loving, anti-American hack.
To conclude, America will never be free for decent, non-poor, non-gay, Christian humans until enough gas chambers and crematoriums are built to “eliminate” the blight of lazy bastards like the poor and the “gay” from the face of the earth. This can best be done under the all-loving embrace of a Christian theocratic government where the love of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is placed above the hideous laziness of the poor, the gay, the disabled and the gay, disabled poor.
MAFA. Make America Free Again in 2020. Vote for me, and help me gas and cremate the poor, the gay, the non-Christian, the disabled and, most importantly, the poor, gay, non-Christian disabled folks who tarnish America’s greatness with their lazy stench and sickening lifestyle.
Yours in Christ’s love, The Arm Chair Pontificator.
P.S. I forgot to mention, we also need to gas and cremate anyone seeking or talking about getting or performing an abortion. These LAZY people, if you can truly even call them “people”, clearly do not deserve the love of Christ or to be anywhere near true, decent, Jesus-loving Americans. Have a lovely day, and remember: Vote for The Arm Chair Pontificator in 2020 so we can begin to bring my dream of a pure, non-lazy America to fruition by wiping out those less worthy, and far more lazy, than we, ourselves, are. $Amen$