10 Things That Are True Because We Can’t Prove They’re Not

1.)  We aren’t absolutely certain how the Egyptian pyramids were built, therefore they MUST have been built by aliens from space.

2.)  If a door suddenly slams shut in the middle of the night in your apartment and you don’t immediately see anyone around who could have slammed it, it MUST have been a ghost.

3.)  If a tornado kills hundreds of people during a terrible storm, it MUST have been because God hates gays.

4.)  When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, it MUST be because God loves them more than the other team.

5.)  God IS the creator of the multiverse because no one can prove she’s not.

6.)  Aliens are, nightly, abducting people into their ships and fondling their genitals. And one can prove they’re not.

7.)  There is no God but Allah, and no one can definitively prove otherwise.

8.)  Jesus is God, the only god, and part of a trilogy of gods who are, in fact, only one god, even though there are three of them, and there’s not a single person alive who can prove with 100% certainty that this is not true.

9.)  It is a fact that there are hundreds, or perhaps even thousands of gods, as the Hindus believe, and not even Steven Hawking, with Einstein’s help, could have shown, without ANY doubt whatsoever, that this is NOT absolutely true.

10.)  Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama are running a very secret, no one knows about it, not really, child prostitution ring out of a pizza parlor with the help of the CIA, the FBI, the NAACP, and the ACLU, and there’s no one, no group, and no organization that can ABSOLUTELY show that this very secret, almost unknown activity, is in fact, NOT really happening.

 

 

 

 

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Jesus Breaks Up Brew-Ha-Ha At Annual Heaven/Hell Labor Day Picnic

Here’s an oldie but goody from a few years back.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

At the annual Heaven and Hell Labor Day Picnic yesterday, Jesus, the Lamb of God, broke up a nasty verbal exchange between the father of Judaism, Abraham, and the scourge of the Jewish people, Adolph Hitler. “That son of a bitch!”, Abraham stated after the incident. “He was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at me every time he got near me. I’ve told Jesus many times that Adolph is just not “good people” and shouldn’t be allowed at these get togethers we have. The same thing happened at the Christmas party last year and I kept my cool. But I told Jesus if it happened again I was going cuss the bastard out. So I did. And guess what? Jesus gets pissed at ME cause I told Hitler to go fuck himself. I shouldn’t cuss, Jesus says to me. Try to be more understanding, He says. Learn to forgive, He says. Not…

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Happy Labor Day To American Moms

Don’t entirely understand why anyone would want to celebrate the labor part of birthing a child, but, this is America and we’re kinda f**ked up here.  So, here’s wishing all the moms in America a happy Labor Day!  I’m so glad it’s you all who get to have babies and continue our race cause if it were up to men to do it, we’d have died out thousands of years ago.   Enjoy the day, the memories, and pop a pain pill on me if it hurts at all.  See ya next year!

I’ve Been Wrongly Imprisoned By The Nobel Prize Committee

Me

I’ve not been able to write many posts of late because I’ve been in a Swiss prison cell held captive by the Nobel Prize Committee.    Apparently, the members of the Committee grew weary of me harassing them, their elderly parents, and their children.   I did these things because the Nobel Prize Committee STILL refuses to give me my well-earned, self-awarded Nobel Prize for being an overall, big-brained genius.  I deserve this award, and I want it, along with all the joyous accolades that go along with it, $$$$$.   I’ve been prank calling members of the Committee daily now for almost 6 years, and all I ever get is an angry “Eff you!” from every last one of them.  So, in order to get noticed, I sent boxes of fire ants to their children’s schools and crates of venomous snakes to their elderly parents’ retirement homes.   Was this nice?  No.  Was it necessary?   Yes.  What was not necessary was the Committee members filing restraining orders against me and having me arrested and imprisoned for violating them.  UNFAIR!!!  I call bunk on them.  All they have to do is give me my gar-darned  Nobel Prize and all will be over!   I will never cease bothering them until this happens.  Granted, being imprisoned does make this more difficult, but I will find a way!  I swear to Zeus, I will.   Until then, I sincerely hope all of my readers will keep me in their thoughts and write letters to the Nobel Prize Committee demanding they give me my award and release me from prison, though not necessarily in that order.   I’m the most wrongly persecuted and maligned person to have ever lived, except of course, for Donald Trump.   Oh, I gotta go now.  They’re bringing me the rice pudding I demanded this morning with my lunch.   I’ll see everyone very soon.  You can take that to your bank and deposit it!  $Amen$

Donald Trump, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell To Form New Boy Band

New Boy Band: The Treasonous Three

QAnon Village, Ohio.     Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three.   “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes.  We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him.    We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes.   Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager.  He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too.  We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way.  So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal.    You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city.   See you soon.  And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”

10 Rules To Live By

Here are ten golden rules to live by.  These are serious rules.  They’re not funny or satirical in any way.  They are NOT an example of Poe’s Law.   They MIGHT be sponsored and practiced by the Illuminati, the Deep State, and QAnon.   If you don’t believe all I’ve written here, you’re wrong and need to slam your head into a wall until you WAKE UP AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH REALITY!!!!!  OK, here are the rules.

1.)  Whatever you think to be true, is.

2.)  If anyone questions your beliefs, they’re wrong.

3.)  If you agree with someone famous, that person is right and can not be wrong.

4.)  Proof of an invisible supernatural world rests in the fact that science doesn’t have EVERY answer to EVERY question and never did.

5.)  Your world view is the RIGHT world view.  Thus, those not holding said view are fair game to be called names and mocked.

6.)  The deeper your belief in something, the more truthful it is.

7.)  People who behave differently than what you deem to be normal are weird.

8.)  If someone doesn’t meet your standard of what is beautiful, they’re not.

9.)  Your opinion is equal to, or more important than, any other opinion –no matter what the opinion is, who states it or what it’s about.

10.)  Politics based on identity are annoying, disgusting, and a HUGE sign of hyper-sensitivity and weakness–unless they’re about you and who YOU are as a person.