Things Jesus Said On The Cross

OUCH!

1.) F$$k, this hurts!

2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes.  ANTS!  Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.

3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!

4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.

5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose.  Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.

6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine?  F$$k you!  Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!

7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump?  You all just f$$ked yourselves.

8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.

9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all.  So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross.  I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

10.) Patricide.  It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.

 

A Few Things Trump Has Recently Acquired

1.)

Paul Ryan's Spine

Paul Ryan’s Spine

 

2.)

Kellyanne Conway's Soul

Kellyanne Conway’s Soul

 

3.)

Sean Spicer's Underwear

Sean Spicer’s Underwear

 

4.)

A Glass Of Vladimir Putin's Semen

Glass Of Vladimir Putin’s Semen

 

5.)

Chris Christie's Balls

Chris Christie’s Balls

Trump Puts Pence In Charge Of Women’s Reproductive Organs

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It's My Job.

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It’s My Job.

Man Town, Ohio.  President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America.  “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier.  “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action.  As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could.  What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally?  I say none.  Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive.  I’ve not yet made up my mind on it).   Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning.  It’s both torture AND an execution method).   America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs.  So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”

MRI Reveals Inner Workings Of Trump’s Skull

The following MRI of the inside of Trump’s skull is 100% real and comes to us via secret spies working inside the Trump Administration.   Enjoy.

I'm the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It's fake news not to love me! Putin's my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I'm great! You're not! Fuck you! I'm bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)

I’m the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It’s fake news not to love me! Putin’s my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I’m great! You’re not! Fuck you! I’m bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)

For All You “Give Him a Chance” People

Perfectly articulated post on the fools who repeatedly say, “Give the Orange Baby a chance.” Those who voted for him, and those who chose NOT to vote, have given him a chance, and just look what he’s doing with it. Welcome to Nazi America.

appletonavenue

Yes, I’m talking about Trump.  He hasn’t been in office a week and this is what he has done:

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the DOJ’s Violence Against Women programs.

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts.

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the National Endowment for the Humanities.

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Minority Business Development Agency.

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the Economic Development Administration.

* On January 19th, 2017, DT said that he would cut funding for the International Trade Administration.

* On January 19th…

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A Valentine To My Lover, Vladimir

trumpvladimir

Oh, my love!

How my heart does

Flutter

Whenever I smell the

Sweet scent

Of your

Manly flesh

You,

My love,

Complete me

Yours is the

Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst

Soul

That ever has lived ever

You have my undying

Trust and

Devotion

Always

Thank you my

Russian lover

For making me into the

Great

Man

I’ve now become

I’m yours

Body, mind, and soul

Today, tomorrow, and

Forever

Love always,

Donny

What If Donald Trump Were A Monkey?

cute-monkeys-39

People, I gotta tell ya’, I just ate the BIGGEST banana ever!  I found it in the jungle where I live.  It was on the HUUGGEST banana tree EVER!  This whole jungle is HUUUGGGEE!!!  I mean, it’s the BESTLYEST jungle ever.  Period.  No jungle anywhere has EVER been THIS bigly.  Oh, I’m KING in this jungle, too.  The biglyest, greatestist KING there ever was ever!   The HUUUGGEESST crowd of jungle residents EVER came to witness my coronation the other day.  They love me.  All of them.  Every single solitary animal in this jungle LOVES me!   Get it?  You’d better, or I’ll refuse to EVER speak to any of you again.   Now, it’s time for you all to leave so I can use my “like a smart monkey” brain to plan the utter, greatestist, biglyest destruction of my enemies that EVER has been seen by anyone, ever, anywhere.