U.S./Scottish Border, Texas. Well, it looks like former President Donald Trump and his Republican allies were right about caravans of illegal immigrants charging into America if Biden were to become President. Since President Biden’s inauguration on January 20th more than twenty thousand wild, feral, armed Scotsmen have charged across the U.S./Scotland border in southern Texas into America. “These are horrible, disease-carrying, armed rapists with funny accents who ate my entire herd of cattle raw,” said one Texas cow-herder who prefers to rename nameless. “I also strongly believe these people to be homosexuals because..well..because most of ’em are men and they’re wearin’ dresses,” the man said. When asked to comment on the situation, President Biden had only this to say: “What, do you have something against a good plate of haggis? Don’t you like bagpipe music? Hell, let the Scots come! This is America! Everyone’s welcome here! Even guys who talk funny and wear dresses instead of pants!” Stay tuned to this blog for further developments on this ongoing situation.
OAN City, California. President-elect Joe Biden today revealed he’d broken his foot while kicking current President Trump’s ass in the November 3rd election. “Man, it felt GREAT to kick that guy’s ass, but, god damn, he musta laid a huge, solid load in his poopy diaper when I did it cause I broke my god damn foot on it!” Soon to be ex-President Trump could not be reached for comment on this issue. It’s believed he’d pooped his diaper again when we asked to speak to him and was being cleaned and changed when we called.
OAN City, Utah. President-elect Joe Biden today used some of the evil powers he’s gained over the years from worshiping Satan to return Hugo Chavez from the dead in order to place him in charge of the CIA. “Yeah, I figured, what the fuck,” Biden said earlier,” why not use some of the evil powers I have as a Satan worshiper and a Democrat to return Mr. Chavez from the dead in order to have him do my bidding in the CIA. Hugo is SOOOOO glad to be alive again, I’m certain he will do whatever evil thing I and my fellow leftist Democrats instruct him to do. So, LOOK OUT, former President Trump and Trump supporters! I, and Hugo Chavez, are comin’ for ya! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!”
Phake News City, New Hampshire. In stunning and miraculous news today a photograph of the newly born Christ child was found in a bathroom in a Denny’s restaurant in Jerusalem by a tourist named Betty Grabmacrotch. “I was squatting over a disgustingly dirty toilet to pee,” Ms. Grabmacrotch said earlier today, “when I noticed an odd looking piece of paper sticking out of the toilet paper dispensary. When I pulled it out, I heard the sound of a thousand angels singing, and several toilets flushing, and, I swear this is true, the paper literally vibrated in my hand as I touched it. When I looked down at it, I immediately knew I was looking at a picture of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the day of his birth. I knew this was true because of how beautiful the child was in the picture and because I heard angels singing when I pulled it out of the dispensary. Yes, I know photography was not around at the time of Christ’s birth, but we are dealing here with JESUS and the laws of time and space have no bearing on him or on those who believe in him. Also, the child in this photo is so beautiful, so lovely, so radiant with love, empathy, joy, and peace, it can be of no one else but Jesus on the day of his birth. Just look at it and tell me it can be anything BUT that!” The photo below is the picture Ms. Grabmacrotch found in the bathroom. Look at it, and decide for yourself whether or not it is, indeed, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the day of his birth. $Amen$