10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British

10.)  British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it.  Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.

9.)  British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”.  This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous.  Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage?  Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.

8.)  British people drive on the wrong side of the road.  Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous.  If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.

7.)  The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it.  America would never do that.  Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice.   America is always nice.

6.)  Brits call soccer “football”.  Are you kidding me?  This is insane!  Soccer is NOT football.  If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them.  Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football.  Crazy!

5.)  In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity.  This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society.   If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice.   Jesus is watching you, people.

4.)  England is an island.  America is a COUNTRY!  Deal with it you British fools!

3.)  British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms.  Americans do.  This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live.   Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead.  Brits can’t do that.  That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.

2.)  The Brits call french fries “chips”.  Seriously?  Are you f$$kin’ kidding me?  A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”.  Jesus!  Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either.   Just stick with salads.  Hard to call those by the wrong name.

1.)  Briton lost the Revolutionary War.  We won it.  Thus, America is superior to Briton.  This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.

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Arm Chair Pontificator Wins Yet Another Nobel Prize

Self-Awarded To The Arm Chair Pontificator For His Brilliance In All He Does

Chicago, Illinois.   The world-famous blog, The Arm Chair Pontificator, was awarded its second Nobel Prize in four years by its creator and writer, Inspiredbythedivine1, earlier today.   “I deserve this award,” Mr. Inspired said to himself this morning, “because everything I think or write about is always completely and inerrantly correct.  How many other bloggers can make this claim?  None, I tell you, none!  Thus, I’ve awarded myself another Nobel Prize.  I’ve emailed the Nobel Committee of this occurrence and expect them to send me my award any moment now.  If they refuse to do this, like they refused to send me the last award I gave myself several years ago, I will prank call their children, their parents, and their pets until I bend them to my will with the pure intimidation of it all.   I want to thank all of the 6 billion readers of my blog for supporting me, and it, over these past few years.  It is not easy making up silly shit off the top of my head 3 or 4 times a month, but knowing you’re out there, reading what I write and having it enrich your lives far more than anything else you may have in them, makes it all worthwhile.   Thanks again to all of my fans, and remember, a note or a call to a Nobel Prize Committee member threatening to flay them alive if they refuse to recognize me for this award, would be greatly appreciated.”

It’s Time To Ban White Men From ‘Merica

White Males Like This One Are The Scourge Of ‘Merica

After the shooting by a white male in Las Vegas yesterday which left 50 people dead and another 200 injured, I can only say this: white men need to be banned from ‘Merica.  Permanently.  We need to begin with the immediate deportation of all white males as soon as possible.  They clearly are the scourge of the earth and have no place in a country built on Jesus Christ, love, freedom, and guns like ‘Merica is.   Also, we need to place a travel ban on all the “white” countries of the world, Sweden, Switzerland, and Norway come immediately to mind.   As well, walls need to be built around all white neighborhoods in ‘Merica to keep those white males we can’t deport quickly enough from invading decent, law-abiding neighborhoods and killing everyone in them.  White men are evil.  Pure and simple, and this latest act by a depraved white male in Las Vegas proves it.  Case closed.  The right type of ban is the white type of ban.  $Amen$

Ask A Rant

Dear Rant, I greatly need your help.  I started 1st grade about 2 weeks ago, and I made friends right away.  However, a few days ago, my two front teeth fell out causing me to lisp and whistle when I speak.  Several kids are now making fun of me because of this, and I really don’t like it.  They’re hurting my feelings and my mom’s afraid this will cause me great emotional pain for the rest of my life. What should I do to make them stop?  Thanks in advance for your help, Little Suzie Toocute, a 1st grade girl.

 

Dear Little Suzie Toocute,  ARE YOU F**KIN’ KIDDING ME!!???  KIDS ARE PICKING ON YOU AND YOU DON’T LIKE IT???  WHAT THE F**K, KID, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF AND FIGHT BACK!!!  TELL ANY KID WHO’S PICKING ON YOU THAT THEY’RE SATAN SPAWN AND WILL BURN FOREVER IN HELL IF THEY DON’T LEAVE YOU THE F**K ALONE; THEN STICK YOUR FINGERS DOWN YOUR THROAT AND SPEW GREEN BILE ALL OVER THEM.  CHRIST, WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, TELL ‘EM IF THEY DON’T GIVE YOU THEIR LUNCH MONEY EVERY DAY FROM NOW ON YOU”LL SEND A DEMONIC DOG TO EAT THEIR MOTHERS ALIVE!!!!  POINT IS, DO WHATEVER THE F**K YOU HAVE TO DO TO SCARE THE SH*T OUTTA THE LITTLE PR*CKS SO THEY’LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN!!!    Hope this helps, A Rant

Trump Claims Solar Eclipse Racist Against Whites

Solar Eclipse Is Prejudice Against Whites, Says President Trump

Golf Town, USA.    President Trump said today that the only reason the solar eclipse is popular is because it’s black.  “This is racism against whites, pure and simple,” Trump said earlier.   “If the solar eclipse were white, no one would even bother to mention it, much less look at it.  What, do white eclipse lives NOT matter?  Must an eclipse be black in order for people to care about it?  Utter and complete racism.   It’s sickening how the fake, liberal media and the anti-fascists are going on about today’s eclipse.  ‘Oh, look how cool it is,’ they say.   ‘It’s just SO awesome and amazing!’  I’ve had enough.  I’m going to go have some ice cream and watch Fox News, the only news station not covering this despicably racist event.  Goodbye and Sieg Heil.”