Tag Archives: christian satire

04.15.14
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Haters In The Hands Of A Hateful God

I am the Reverend Johnny Edmonds. And I come before you today to tell you that YOU are but haters in the hands of a HATEFUL God! For YOU are but hateful and ugly creatures in His eyes. God HATES you, and His hatred of you fills Him completely. He hates you because YOU dare to hate in His name.

God's Hatred Of YOU Knows No Bounds!

God’s Hatred Of YOU Knows No Bounds!

YOU are hanging, my brothers and sisters, hanging like spiders on thinning webs over the eternal flames of Hell. The Hell which God has made for you out of His hatred for you. And the tiny webs from which your sick, spidery bodies dangle are melting. Melting from God’s HATRED of YOU. You are all haters in the hands of a hateful God. And YOU will burn for all eternity. Burn in a Hell of God’s hatred of you because YOU dare to hate in His name. Yes,YOU! YOU, who hate those who are different from you, and who persecute them for those differences in HIS Holy Name! He HATES you. YOU, who say it is HE who tells you your hate is justified. Justified by the nonsensical writings of old, dead fools, in ancient decrypted texts which you cling to like baby sheep to their dead mother’s teets. Know you this: those old, dead fools, like YOU, are hated by God! And they now burn in a Hell of God’s HATRED. A Hell YOU too will burn in soon. You will burn in it for your BLIND self-loving ways. And you will burn in it for having the audacity to think YOU know the will of God. It is YOU He HATES! YOU who blasphemies in HIS name! YOU. You who He will torture for all eternity in the FIRES of the Hell He’s created for you.

YOU Shall Burn In The Fire Of God's Hatred Of You

YOU Shall Burn In The Fire Of God’s Hatred Of You

YOU whose flesh will bubble from your bones over, and over, and over, and over, and over again for ALL time in the HELL of God’s HATE for YOU!  You will feel the HATE of the ALMIGHTY soon, my brothers and sisters. For soon He will breathe HIS hate-filled damnation on you with His breath of fiery, fetid  fury and YOU, you sinful mockeries of  life, you will KNOW how terrible it was that you HATED in His name. So it is said, and so shall it be done! Amen.

03.03.14
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Following Jesus: A Special Arm Chair Pontificator Report

Hello. My name is Guillermo Gumshoe. I’m an ace reporter for TACP. I’ve just spent the last three days following Jesus around, and I’m here to tell you all about it. I will transcribe my notes, verbatim, so you can better see these events as I did when they were first happening.

02/22

Chicago: Pete’s Liquor Emporium: Broadway & Belmont.

10:00 PM: My source at the Archdiocese tells me Jesus stops by Pete’s Liquors every night at ten. He wasn’t lying. Jesus just got out of a Yellow Taxi and entered the store.

Jesus' Favorite Liquor Store

Jesus’ Favorite Liquor Store

10:15 PM: Jesus has come out of the store with two brown bags. He waves down another cab. I get in my car and follow.

10:40 PM: Wrigley Field.

Jesus is climbing over the back gate of Wrigley and entering the ball park. I follow. Jesus is on the pitcher’s mound when I see him next. Drinking what appears to be vodka, straight from the bottle. I’m hiding in the bleachers. Jesus waves his hand. The whole fucking stadium is now full of screaming Cubs fans. Jesus is in a Cubs uniform pitching to a guy in a Yankee’s uniform. Jesus strikes him out.

Jesus As Cubs Pitcher

Jesus As Cubs Pitcher

The crowd goes insane. “We just won the World Series” a guy next to me says. He slaps me on the back and hands me a beer. It’s cold and tastes good. I notice it is hot in the stadium and the sun is out. But I know it’s February and it’s night-time. Then, out of nowhere, I hear Harry Carry, the long time Cubs announcer who died perhaps 15 years ago, start singing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”When he stops, it’s cold and dark again; the ball park is empty, and I see Jesus crawling back out over the back wall. I follow.

Harry Carry: Back For A Day

Harry Carry: Back For A Song

1:10 AM: Jesus enters an alley across from Wrigley Field. He gives a homeless guy the rest of his vodka and hails another cab. I quickly get in my car and follow. We drive to a motel on Lincoln Ave. Jesus gets a room for the night and enters. I watch the light in the room go out; then fall asleep in my car.

02/23

Lincoln Motel Parking Lot: Lincoln and Kedzie.

9:30 AM

Jesus comes out of his motel room eating a bagel. Looks up. Waves his hand. It is Summer again. Warm. Maybe Mid-July. We’re in a zoo, or so I think, at first. Then I realize we’re on a boat, a big boat filled with animals and at sea. I hear Jesus yell out, “Hey! Moses! Where’s the $6.50 you owe me on the game from last night?” Moses appears from out of a room marked, “LOO,” and yells,”Screw you, Jesus! You can’t pitch a game yourself then expect me to pay on a bet when you win. You’re God. You can do anything. You know, like drown a bunch of fuckers you created cause you don’t like how they turned out.” Jesus retorts,”You’ve  got me there, my old friend. I’m just fucking with you. Thought you could use a laugh or two.

Animals Inside The Ark

Animals Inside The Ark

Thought it might help cheer you up and take your mind off the fact you have to deal with tons of animal shit for the next few months. Oh, well. Sorry about that, Old Fella. I gotta go.” Jesus waves his hand. I’m back in my car in the lot of the motel. Does he know I’m following him? Did he put on that show for me?

5:00 PM

I’m inside the Chicago Shakespeare Company’s theater, on Chicago’s Navy Pier. I followed Jesus here earlier from the motel. When we got inside the theater, he waved his hand, and filled every seat with a patron. He also filled the stage with actors performing Shakespeare’s “Henry V.” Jesus is playing Henry. He’s giving the “St. Crispin’s Day” speech now. He’s fucking really good too. Really good. The whole damn cast is good. And it looks like they’re having a blast up there.

6:30 PM

The play ended and Jesus waved his hand. Theater returned to empty. We’re outside. Jesus hails a cab. I grab another and follow. Does he know I’m doing this? Does he mind? Hope not. Jesus’ cab pulls up in front of a Hair Salon called, “Mary Magdalene’s New Testament Styles.” Jesus goes inside. A very beautiful young woman runs up and kisses him passionately. He waves his hand.

Mary Magdalene: Jesus' Gal

Mary Magdalene: Jesus’ Gal

02/24

10:00 AM: Lincoln Motel Parking Lot.

I wake up, and I’m in my car in the motel parking lot again. It’s the next morning. He knows. He saw me and wanted privacy so he knocked me out ’til today. I see Jesus coming out of his room. He’s alone. He waves his hand. We’re suddenly in the movie “Star Wars.” I mean IN it. I’m Luke Skywalker in my X-Wing Fighter. Jesus is Darth Vader chasing me around the Death Star in his Tie fighter as I try to blow it up.

Death Star Chase

Death Star Chase

The feeling is exhilarating. I’ve never felt anything like it. I blow up the Death Star and Jesus waves his hand. I wake up at 10:00 PM on 02/22. I’m on the corner of Broadway and Belmont. Pete’s Liquor Emporium is across the street. I watch Jesus come out of it with two brown bags. He stops. Looks at me and waves; then he walks off, much too quickly for me to follow.

02/22

11:30 PM

I’m home. At my computer. I’m writing about my brief experience of following Jesus around, through time even, apparently. I’m amazed by it, and, I’ve really gotta say, it was a lot of fun, inexplicably odd and exhilarating, and a whole lot of fun.

02.18.14
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Christian Conservative Accidentially Killed While Teaching Hate

As you may have heard, an Al-Qaeda terror instructor recently killed himself and several of his terrorist students last week when a vest loaded with explosives detonated while he was demonstrating how to properly use it to his class. What you may not know is that a Christian hate mongering Sunday school teacher, who was teaching preschool children how to properly hate gays, Jews, and menstruating women, was also accidentally killed last week when the hate he had inflamed in his students was released, not on gays or Jews, but on the teacher himself instead.

Jesus Wants Us To Hate Gays, Jews, and Menstruating Women

Jesus Wants Us To Hate Gays, Jews, and Menstruating Women

Apparently, this Christen teacher was showing his class how to recognize if a man is gay by walking in a particularly effeminate and stereotypical manner while whistling tunes from “My Fair Lady.” When the children he had just taught how to hate gays saw and heard this, they mistook him for being a REAL gay man, and attacked him like wolves attacking a baby sheep. He was torn limb from limb by the preschoolers. They also apparently ate what they tore from him because so little was left of him when police finally entered the classroom, his Fred Phelps autographed, “I Hate Fags,” button, which he always wore proudly on his chest, was the only thing left with which to identify his remains. The children were all tranquilized with an animal tranquilizer and placed in small iron cages by the police. Later, upon awakening, they were severely beaten with straps by their Jesus-loving parents. For while it is a good thing to hate and kill gays, Jews, and menstruating women, it is never a good thing to hate and kill those who teach us to do it, not even if it is on accident. So sayst the Lord, Jesus. Amen.

02.17.14
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Q & A With Satan, Prince Of Darkness

TACP is proud to present a Q & A session with none other than the nemesis of goodness himself, Satan. Let’s get right to it, shall we.

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya'd Think

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya’d Think

ACP: How the hell are you, Satan old chum?

Satan: I’ll be better once you get all the innuendos and other types of Satanic word play out of your system and just ask me questions outright. I’m a busy man. I’ve a date tonight with Liz Taylor, and I haven’t a THING to wear. So I’m off to Saks 5th Ave on 5th Ave after this interview to buy a new suit, one I’m hoping can take my heat, if ya get my drift!

ACP: I think I do. Well, I must thank you for agreeing to this interview, Satan. We here at TACP are very proud of the Biblical celebrities who’ve spoken to us over the past several months, and it only seems right that we interview you as well. You take a lot of “heat,” shall we say, for things that are considered wrong with the world. Let me ask you flat-out a big question many have about you: Are you responsible for all the evil in the world? And if so, why? Why bring evil to the world, I mean?

Satan: Well, let me tell you right out that NO! I’m NOT responsible for bad and evil stuff that happens in the world. God is. I didn’t make the Universe from nothing, God did. I didn’t build humans out of clay to do my bidding then get pissed at them cause they ate a banana, and I didn’t toss them out of Paradise for it to suffer on Earth. I had NOTHING to do with ANY of that. Also, I didn’t make ME. God did. The ONLY thing I’ve ever done, is piss off God by laughing at the stupid shit he always does. Shakespeare always tells me I’m like the Fool in “King Lear” who continually tells Lear he fucked up by giving away his land to his psycho daughters who then treat him like crap. I merely point out to God, like the Fool does to Lear, the stupid things he’s done that he doesn’t like pointed out to him. I’ll list a few of them here cause I like doing that:

  1. I pointed out to him, as I still do, that HE created pain and suffering and HE can end it if HE wanted to. He doesn’t like that HE is responsible for EVERYTHING, including all the painful shit that happens, so he tries to blame that stuff all on me: A token fallen angel, whatever the hell that is. I mean, I bloody fell ONCE in my life cause I tripped over a shoe box, once mind you, but other than that, I’ve not fallen from anything ever in my life. I’ve been running Hell, but I’ve always done that since God made it. Hell, I no more made Hell than I made Heaven. I’m only doing the job he made me for. It ain’t my idea to put people down there. It’s God’s. I actually make it kinda nice for folks who go there. Really, it ain’t so bad down there. I mean, it’s HOT, but so’s Hawaii, and people don’t bitch about that, now do they?

  2. God hates it that I continually tell him he’s an asshole for being angry about Adam and Sue (Her name was Sue, not Eve, BTW. Please don’t believe MOST of what those idiots wrote in the Bible. Drunkards. Every last one of ’em.) I mean, Adam and Sue ate a friggin’ banana God said not to. So what? Compared to the shit he’s done, SO BLOODY WHAT? God made pain where none existed before; self-doubt when it’s not needed or good for people to have, and he made Hell, where he places the people HE made to burn for doing things HE could have prevented to begin with. These are the actions of a fool, not a god. Who can argue with this?!

  3. God is a self loving child with little love or compassion for anything but himself. He hates that I always tell him this, but it’s true, and if he wanted me to stop telling it to him, he could make me stop, but he doesn’t. Sigmund Freud tells me it’s because God always wanted to have sex with his mother growing up, but, since he has no mother, his lust is for whoever she might have been, and it’s free-floating and just NASTY. Freud says God’s even more fucked in the head than your average fucked in the head person because of this and NO amount of analysis could help him. He hates himself but won’t admit it, so he keeps me around to torment him for his wrongs. Bad for us, his creations, eh?

So there you have it. God’s an asshole who I mock. Thus, he blames shit on me that’s actually his fault. He made Hell, and it is because of him people suffer. Not me. I’m a fun guy. Really, I’d have to be for being able to put up with God as my boss all these years. He just doesn’t want to face how much he’s fucked everything up because he’s a child: a bratty child who’s so spoiled by his own power and self-love he fails to see just how sick and evil he is. That’s God for you folks, in my humblest opinion. Ta Da!!! Wadda you think?

ACP: WOW! That was quite the summary, Satan. Thanks for sharing that with our readers today. I know you need to run to buy that suit you mentioned, but would you mind coming back some time to fill us with more of your insight into the Divine One’s ways?

Satan: Sure thing. Just gimme a holler, and I’ll pop back up, next week maybe even. We’ll see. Bye now.

ACP: Goodbye. And thanks again for a most informative interview. I kinda like you, Satan. You’re OK in my book.

01.19.14
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God Watches “Les Miserables,” Sinks Noah’s Ark

The Lord, God, revealed some interesting information to me earlier today when he dropped by my office to return a Blu-ray copy of “Blood Sucking Freaks” I recently lent him.  Here’s what he told me: “I learned that Russell Crowe was going to be playing Noah just after seeing him in “Les Miserables” last year. The rattling vibrations of white-noise he emitted while “singing” in that film, combined with the idea he’d soon be playing Noah, sent me into a berserk, animal-like rage. I transported myself back in time and sent the real Noah’s Ark, and everything on board her, to the bottom of the ocean.

Noah's Ark Sinking

Noah’s Ark Sinking

The story of Noah’s Ark has been official removed from The Bible because no one lived to tell it, thus ensuring that no movie about it will ever be made with Russell Crowe as Noah. This helps lessen Crowe’s over all film appearances and the chance we will have to endure his singing again should he decide to add a song or two into more of his films. Feel free to say, ‘Thank God for that,’ because it WAS me who did it.”

11.22.13
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Aliens Arrive On Earth And Insist We Convert To Their Religion

An advanced extraterrestrial race arrived at the White House last night proclaiming they’ve come thousands of light years to free us from the chains of our false religions by enlightening us to the only true religion in all the cosmos: theirs.

Alien Fundamentalist Religious Zealots

Alien Fundamentalist Religious Zealots

“This fucking sucks ass,” President Trump said earlier today. “I mean COME ON!!!! We finally make contact with an advanced extraterrestrial species and they turn out to be nothing more than a bunch of fundamentalist religious zealots hell bent on converting the whole planet to their religion. We have enough of that type of shit already. We most certainly do not need more of it.  And most certainly NOT from an advanced extraterrestrial species so far beyond us, we’re like ants by comparison. In other words folks, this is one religion we will have no choice BUT to accept should they insist on it. Man, this really fucking sucks!”

11.10.13
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How My”Star Wars” Audition Confirmed My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Mediating On My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Meditating On My Faith

Since my Faith gives me a superiority over the rest of humanity, I decided it was time I did something I’ve always wanted to do: act in a “Star Wars” movie. Yesterday, I went to open auditions for the new “Star Wars” film which are currently being held in Bristol, England.  Though I live in Chicago, and open auditions for said film will soon be held here, I decided spending a grand or two to fly to England and audition made more sense. My Faith works in mysterious ways like that. I just know it’s always right though, cause it’s Faith, and doesn’t require reason or evidence to be true.  Anyway, when I got to the audition, I expected to be recognized for the Faith-filled, Nobel Prize winning, genius I am. I wasn’t.

I expected the casting directors to swoon the moment they realized me, a man of true Faith, had decided to be in their “little” film.  But I was treated no differently than the others around me also auditioning. My Faith immediately told me this was wrong. “You are special, my child, because of ME, your Faith. The beliefs of others are evil if they can not see this. So leave this place because one day, all those without YOUR Faith will burn.” Well, that made perfectly sound sense to me, so I came home. The money I spent on plane tickets was well worth it because it reinforced the truth for me. My Faith was indeed the one true Faith, and those not believing in it were going to burn. I really like my Faith.