Happy Good Friday! To my readers whose workplace gives them a day off today, as mine did for all the years I worked there, I’ve this great suggestion for you: Why don’t we crucify four more deities, and take off the whole week?! $Amen$
Mummyville, Egypt. Fabricated archeologist, and amateur photographer, Ivana Kissurmom, stopped by our Paris office today with these amazing pictures of famous bearded women from history. Enjoy.
1.) This picture of Eve shows us she wasn’t just the first woman ever, but the first bearded woman ever as well.
2.) Next we have the very bearded Helen of Troy. I just don’t see what all the fuss was about, do you?
3.) And now for the Virgin Mary. I don’t know about you, but she doesn’t look very virginal to me.
4.) This picture shows that George Washington had either terrible eyesight or very bad taste in women.
5.) And this one shows the same can be said of Jesus.
6.) Last for today we have Joan of Arc, pictured in the very tux she wore at her execution.
Marvel Studios and Heaven announced today that St. Paul, the dude who spread Christianity like butter during the first century, has been cast as a comedic nemesis to Thor in Avengers: Age of Ultron. “It’s gonna be great,” said St. Paul today. “It’s a HILARIOUS part I have. I play myself and pop up at unexpected moments in the film to taunt Thor about the fact there’s only one god, and it’s Jesus, not him. There’s a scene where Thor is doing his business in the bathroom and I enter the stall next to him. I burst into this annoying song they wrote for me while I toss bibles over the top of the stall at him. He gets really pissed and calls his hammer which smashes down half the bathroom to get to him. Then I run away shouting that this is just the beginning of what I’m going to do to him. Funny, people, really funny stuff. Oh, the song I sing is to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man and goes something like this: If I were a true man, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle wink. All day long I’d say I’m not a god, and that I am a dirty, lying fink.”
Avengers: Age of Ultron opens on Friday, May 1st and is sure to be another hit for Marvel Studios, especially now that St. Paul is in it.
Faghater City, Indiana. Indiana Democratic Congressman, Billy Wadblower Wankenfluffer, announced today that he will be presenting a Freedom From Christians Bill next month in Congress. “This bill is in direct response to the Freedom of Religion Act signed into law by Indiana Governor, Mike Pence, a few weeks ago,” Congressman Wankenfluffer said earlier. “Though Christians may find this hard to believe, a growing number of decent, kind, loving, caring human beings living in America are sick and fucking tired of Christian bigotry, hatred, and deferential, ass-kissing treatment. Thus, I, and several other U.S. Congressmen and Women, have drafted this bill to help put an end to their whining bullshit once and for all. The bill is divided into five very clear ‘rules’ that Christians must abide by for the betterment of America and decent, human kindness everywhere. If passed into law, the bill will allow U.S. authorities to deport any Christian not adhering to it to a Christian work camp in Antarctica, for life. The five ‘rules’ proposed by the bill are listed below.
1.) All Christian Churches will now pay taxes like every other business does in America. Deferential treatment of Christians in this regard ends now.
2.) Fundamentalist Christians will now be required to have a large red “X” tattooed on their right check. This will allow normal people to know who they are and, if they wish, avoid any contact with them.
3.) Christians will no longer be allowed near children without supervision by a Secular Humanist and, then, for no more than five total minutes per week.
4.) Any Christian heard making an anti-gay slur, or refusing a gay person service of any kind, will be forced, standing, into a stockade in the center of Times Square, New York in a t-shirt that reads, ‘I’m a bigoted, anti-gay Christian asshole. Please throw rotten fruit at me.’
5.) Christians will no longer be allowed to marry in America. They may choose to live in sin, but they have proven, by their sickening anti-human behavior, that they do not deserve to share the legal benefits of marriage with other decent, kind, normal Americans.
Let us pray this bill is quickly passed into law so Americans can be free from the tyranny that is Christianity.”
Discrimination City, Indiana. Dr. Freddy Coldfinger, the world’s first, and probably only, traveling gynecologist, stopped by TACP offices today and paid us seven hundred thousand dollars to advertise on our site. So, without further ado, here’s Dr. Coldfinger. Please read carefully what he has to say. He paid us A LOT of money to say it.
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With my traveling gynecological service, you’ll never have to experience this unpleasant scenario again. Just make one simple call to me, and I’ll hop in my traveling gynecological van and come directly to you. I’ll exam your vagina, cervix, and uterus in the privacy of your own home on whichever bed or couch you feel most comfortable. And, as an added bonus, I’ll warm all of my instruments, just seconds before I use them, with my portable, gynecological blowtorch. All you need do is lie back, relax, and have your vagina warmly examined by me, Dr. Freddy Coldfinger, the world’s first traveling gynecologist.
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Cockland, Indiana. In news today that’s sent waves of confusion throughout gay-hating Christendom, Jesus appeared, completely nude, at a gay bathhouse in Indiana called, The Tommy Snoodle & Jimmy Doodle Scrub & Bubble Club. “It was INSANE,” said club co-owner Jimmy Doodle. “I was getting the baths ready for the day’s fun by filling them with hot water and bubbles when suddenly there was a pink flash of light and there, right before my eyes, Jesus was standing, completely nude. He sat back on one of our custom designed bubble resistant mats and said to me, ‘Hi, Cowboy, wanna go for a ride on the sacred pony express?’
I almost died right there. I said, ‘Yes, Lord, I do,’ and He said, ‘Well, Jimmy Doodle, before you can do that, I need for you to speak out to the people of Indiana. Tell them you saw me here today, in your bathing house for manly, gay men, naked as the day my virgin mother birth me. More specifically, tell them if they own a business, and choose to deny service to gay people, I’m going to become very angry with them. So angry, that I will not let them into the big bathhouse in the sky when they die. Can you do that for me, Jimmy Doodle?’ I told him, ‘Yes, Jesus, I can,’ and then he gave me a long open mouth kiss and said, ‘I’m leaving now, Jimmy Doodle, but I’ll return soon to check on you and let you ride the sacred pony express. Until then, stay gay, and keep on bathing in frothy bubbles with other burly men. Amen.’ Then there was another pink flash, and he was gone. It was crazy and incredibly HOT at the same time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a lot of Indiana businesses to visit with the word of God.”
Bigotland, Indiana. Bullshit expert and head of The University of Chicago’s, That’s A Fuckin’ Lie And You Know It department, Professor Vivian V. Agina, said today that Creationists are literally more full of bullshit than real bulls.
“My department conducted a two-year research project to determine if the shit Creationists espouse could in any way be measured against the shit in the intestines of real bulls,” Professor V. Agina said. “And sure enough, we determined it could be. We had individual Creationists stand on a platform next to which a constipated, real bull also stood. The bulls were secured behind a steel gate keeping the Creationists safe from any physical harm. The bulls, however, could still hear clearly everything spoken around them. We then asked the Creationists to describe for us their literal reading of Genesis as well as several other readings from the Bible which they took to be literally true. In test after test, each time the Creationists began their diatribe on the literal accuracy of the Bible, the bulls began to violently charge at the gate keeping them from the Creationists. In addition to this, each and every bull violently released the contents of its constipated intestines just as each Creationist began to explain that Noah’s Ark was not a story, but literally true. Needless to say, the bullshit from the real bulls ran out LONG before the bullshit coming from the mouths of the Creationists.
Thus, we have determined with absolute scientific accuracy, that not only do they make excellent bull enemas, Creationists are far more full of bullshit than real bulls, even severely constipated ones.”