Monthly Archives: October 2014

10.31.14
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Halloween Costumes Available At Our Online Store

The Arm Chair Pontificator online store is now offering some truly unique costumes just in time for Halloween. Check ’em out.

1.) The Tea Party Member: This little beauty consists of a three-piece suit, a loaded .45, a thumpin’ Bible, a Jesus Hates Obama, Fags, Jews, and Liberals picket sign, and a tax-exempt number you can use to buy whatever you want, tax-free, for a whole week, all for only $9.99. Act now and we’ll toss in two undocumented Hispanic domestic laborers for you to use, totally free, for as long as you wish. Note: you’ll have to feed them occasionally if you expect consistent, quality work from them.

The Tea Party Member

The Tea Party Member

2.) The Ken Ham: This baby will make you look, think, and sound just like Creation Museum founder, Ken Ham. Put it on, and the world suddenly becomes only 6000 years old; Evolution becomes a big, fat silly lie, and reasonable thinking becomes a completely antiquated mental process. All this can be yours for the biblically low price of just $7.98, plus tax. Order now, and receive an authentic picture of Jesus riding a T-Rex signed by none other than the son of God himself at no additional cost.

The Ken Ham

The Ken Ham

3.) The Wormhole: Put on the Wormhole costume; walk into a Halloween party; switch it on, and watch as your friends are sucked into a massive vortex that sends them…..??? Who the hell knows where it’ll send them! It’s a wormhole! You’ll be talked about at Halloween parties for decades to come when you wear The Wormhole costume at the big Halloween party you plan on attending this year. Inter-dimensional fun is yours for the modest price of just $8.66.

The Wormhole

The Wormhole

4.) The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian: Be the talk of all your bible-thumping, gay-hating pals when you slip into this one of a kind costume which allows you to be a gay tolerant Conservative Christian for as long as you wear it. We must warn you, however, that if you wear it for more than 48 hours straight, you very well may find yourself vocally supporting gay marriage rights, so beware. Show hate-filled Christians how to not hate people they don’t understand by purchasing The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian costume for the blessed price of just $10.99.

The Non-Homophobic Conservative Christian

The Non-Homophobic, Conservative Christian

That’s all folks. See you later!

10.26.14
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Unique You

Walking Away

 

You’ve always felt it

Uniqueness

 

From the time

You

Were a child

You’ve known

You

Were

Special

 

You intuitively always knew

You

Were

Unique

One of a kind

You

Told yourself there was

No one else like

You

Anywhere on Earth and

You

Believed it

Literally

 

You’ve

Believed in conflicting

Dogmas

Throughout your life

All of have been

Right

At the time

You

Believed them

Because it was

You

Who believed them

 

That others disagree with,

Or are hurt by, what

You

Say

Enrages and insults

You

 

It is always

Others

Who are wrong

Never

You

 

You

Who are

Unique

You

Who are

Special

You

Who are

Entitled

Simply because

You

Are

You

 

This is how

You

Are able to

Hate and

Judge

Others

Without a single pang

Of guilt

Or empathy

And

This is why

I

Do not care to be

Anywhere

Near

You

10.22.14
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Crazy Shit I Can Do With My Mind

I Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

I Can Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

 

I can do amazing shit just using the power of my mind. I haven’t mentioned this until now because I’m pathologically modest and talking about my wonderful greatness is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I decided to write down some of the more wondrous things I’ve done, and can do, with my mind because I’m a firm believer in telling the truth about oneself whenever and wherever possible. I can thus assure you that every word I write, or have ever written, is absolutely and undeniably true. Every word of it. What benefit is there in making crazy shit up anyway? Now, without further ado, I give you a list of some of the crazy, amazing shit I’ve done, and can do, with the power of my mind.

1.) Yesterday I reached 165 million years into the past with the power of my cerebral cortex and caused the dinosaurs to go extinct.

I Did This

I Did This

2.) As I write this I’m sending the entire universe far into the future, one second at a time, just by thinking about it.

I'm Sending This Far Into The Future One Second At A Time

Into The Future We Go

3.) I’m currently preventing a zombie apocalypse by willing the dead to stay in their graves.

I'm Preventing This

I’m Keeping This From Happening

4.) I’m holding the building up across the street from me by simply thinking about it.

I'm Holding This Building Up Right Now

I’m Holding This Building Up Right Now

5.) I’m preventing millions of dogs from chasing millions of cats world-wide by telepathically sending them the message, “Be nice now, guys.”

I Keep Them Friends

I’m Keeping Them Friends

6.) I’m keeping the tectonic activity of the Earth active by channeling the power of my amygdala into the Earth’s core to keep it smokin’ hot.

I Keep This Cookin'

I’m Keepin’ This Baby Cookin’

7.) Lastly, I’m moving the water around in the oceans by imagining massive winds blowing over it.

I'm Doing This Right Now

I’m The Reason This Happens

Thank you for reading. Yours in humble modesty, The Arm Chair Pontificator.

10.22.14
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Welcome To The First Ever Edition Of, What Would Hulk Do?

What Would Hulk Do?

What Would Hulk Do?

This is the first in a series of highly intelligent posts where I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, ask various Marvel and DC comic book superheroes one simple question: What Would Hulk Do? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, how fucking original. Mr. self-declared Nobel Prize winner thinks he’s clever by doing a silly ass take on the old, what would Jesus do bit. What a dork!” To those readers who are thinking this, all I can say is, you’re absolutely right!! So sit back and enjoy the completely useless shit my brain comes up with when I stay up too late watching naked stuff on the internet.

I asked the following question to 3 famous superheroes: The climate grows warmer each year because of human activity, and yet conservative groups, such as the Tea Party, refuse to accept this and do nothing to help the situation. What would Hulk do? Below are the names of each hero I asked and their individual responses.

  1. Spiderman:  Oh, that’s easy, he’d go into a Tea Party meeting, yell, “Hulk Smash!” and knock the building down around their ears. Then, later, he’d completely forget why he smashed the building down, and the remaining Tea Party members would carry on as if nothing had happened.

  2. Robin, The Boy Wonder: Why are you asking me this? Why? Do I look smart or cool to you? I’m 15 years old, and I’m wearing a red and yellow bathing suit with white tights.  I follow around a 45-year-old psychopath who’s taken it upon himself to beat the snot out of “bad guys.” How fucking stable does any of that sound to you? What Would Hulk Do? How the fuck would I know! I don’t know him. If you do, then ask HIM, you fuckin’ shit heal.

  3. Superman: What Would Hulk Do? Screw Hulk! How about, What would Superman do?! Well, I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna become a Conservative Christian’s worse nightmare and declare himself God. That’s what he’s gonna do. And I will fry any bastard who refuses to accept this with my heat vision. Global warming be damned! It will be an after thought once the world has me as its one and only God. Screw the Hulk. The damn pansy!

Fini, for now.

10.21.14
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Christian Math

Bible Mathematics

I find Christian math to be strikingly lacking in verisimilitude.  Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because 3 does not equal one. If I go to a store and wish to purchase 3 lollipops for .50 cents each, I expect my total cost for the lollipops to be $1.50.  However, to a card-carrying Christian, they would expect to pay only .50 cents for the 3 lollipops because, in their universe, 3 equals one. Christians proudly state theirs is a monotheistic religion, even though it really isn’t. They insist the 3 individual gods they worship are, in reality, just one god. They claim their all-powerful, tax exempt faith makes this true. It doesn’t. 3 lollipops are 3 lollipops. Never are 3 lollipops 1 lollipop, no matter how strongly one’s faith may say otherwise. To prove this point, I recently went to a 7/11 store and held 3 lollipops in my hand. I stared at them until I developed a very powerful faith that the 3 lollipops were just 1, and then I went to the cashier to pay for them. The cashier rang me up, and told me I owed 1.50 for the 3 lollipops because they were .50 cents each. My faith was unshaken by this, however, and I placed .50 cents on the counter and proceeded to walk toward the front door of the store. Before I could reach it, the cashier grabbed my arm and told me I owed him a dollar more because I was taking 3 lollipops and not just one. “No,” I told him,”I’m taking only one lollipop. Like the Christian god,” I continued, “the three lollipops in my hand are, in reality, just one lollipop in 3 parts. Thus, I’m paying only .50 cents.”

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

How Many Lollipops Do You See?

Surprisingly, the clerk did not believe me. I tried hard to make him share my faith that 3 equals one, but he would not budge on his belief that I had 3 lollipops in my hand and not one. I needed to pay for all of them or put 2 back, he said. My new-found faith was then totally shattered when he said he’d call the cops if I left with all three without paying for them. So, I’m now a firm believer that 3 does not equal one, no matter how strongly one wishes to believe otherwise. Christians are polytheists; their math is ridiculous, and it will get you into trouble if you use it in the real world. So don’t. $Amen$

10.02.14
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Flush Toilets Invented By Aliens

An Obvious Alien Invention

An Alien Invention

In stunning news today, Betty Fibber, co-founder of the Conspiracy Party of America, announced that the flush toilet, as many had suspected, was indeed invented by aliens from another world. “As anyone with an I.Q. over ten can tell you,” Ms. Fibber stated, “the mechanism behind how flush toilets actually FLUSH is far beyond the capabilities of humans to comprehend. Thus, the only logical conclusion to be made is that they were created by aliens from outer space. For years now, my organization, the Conspiracy Party of America, has been working relentlessly to find some shred of believable, tangible evidence to prove this undeniable fact. Fortunately, we haven’t found it. I say fortunately because, as any conspiracy expert can tell you, the best evidence for the validity of an extraordinary claim is that there is no evidence for it at all. For example, how do we REALLY know space aliens built the pyramids? Because there isn’t a shred of tangible evidence they did. As well, how do we REALLY know George W. Bush ordered the attacks on 9/11 and murdered, in cold blood, over 3000 of his own citizens?  Because there isn’t a shred of evidence suggesting he did, or even could, carry out such a feat. That’s how.

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

Just Push The Handle Down, Humans, And Watch the Swoosh!

No evidence IS evidence. Evidence that extraordinary explanations for real world events are not only true but that they are meticulously, and perfectly covered up by very powerful organizations that lurk in the shadows of our world just outside the reach of any proof they’re actually there. Thus, it is obvious to anyone aware of the REAL truth that is out there, that flush toilets were invented by a highly advanced alien race. Humans are just too bloody dumb to have done it themselves.”