Monthly Archives: April 2017

04.22.17
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Ask A Black Hole

Dear Black Hole, lately I’ve been feeling like the whole world sucks. I want to stop feeling like this because many people are telling me it doesn’t suck, at least not all of it. Do you have any advice to help me stop feeling this way?   Thanks, Jenny Jinglebuns, a Catholic Nun

 

Dear Sr. Jinglebuns, thanks for asking me this question. It’s lonely out here in space, and I greatly appreciate any communication I receive from other sentient beings. Unfortunately, I can’t entirely help you with your question. You see, I’m the king of sucking. I suck EVERYTHING around me into me, even light. Why, just the other day, a spacecraft was flying by me, but, before I could even say hello, the entire thing shot past by my event horizon and was sucked into the oblivion that is the core of my being.  All I can really offer you on this matter is this: If I didn’t suck, I wouldn’t exist.  Thus, just because something sucks, it doesn’t mean it’s bad.  Thanks again for writing, and have a grand day.   Yours always, A Black Hole

 

04.16.17
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Happy Zombie Day

“Man, that was a LONG 3 days,” says Jesus.

Happy Zombie Day to all of the 650 million readers of this blog.  Your patronage is much appreciated.  Now, go eat a chocolate egg and watch a George Romero movie.  I’m going to.

04.13.17
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Others Are The Problem, New Study Finds

Those People Over There Are The Problem!

Acceptance Village, Alabama.   A new study conducted by Professor Iblameyou of the University of Chicago was released today which found that all of the problems in the world today are caused by other people.   “These results are amazing,” said Professor Iblameyou.  “I surveyed over two thousand people from every part of the globe over the past three years and found, every time, that people blame other people for everything wrong with the world and with themselves.  Clearly, these results indicate that the problem of other people is plague-like and simply must be eradicated before life on earth comes to a screeching halt.   I would have released these results sooner, but the assistant I had working with me on the project was rather slow in putting the data I gave her together so I had to delay publishing this report.  Last time I’ll work with her, I tell you that.

My study also found that when groups of other people act together, they’re even more damaging than when they act alone.   Sometimes other people will form into groups, or countries even, that are very different from you and yours.  When this happens, chaos ensues.  These “other” groups start to act as if they’re as good as you and your group.  Name-calling almost always follows.  Fighting follows this, and soon, full-scale wars have erupted.   We must act now to end the problem of others, a.k.a. those people over there.  I’ve started an online group called End All Others Now.  Our purpose is to make all others become just like us for the sake of the planet and all humanity.  You can join the group at othersblow.com for the nominal fee of 50 dollars.  Hope to see you all join – unless, of course, you’re one of them.  If that’s the case, don’t bother because you’re not part of the solution, you’re the problem.”

04.05.17
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Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie: A New Dating Service For Atheists

Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie

A new dating service for atheists called Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie has recently come online.   Here are a few of the questions they ask their subscribers to help them connect people with their ideal mate.

1.) How do you like to eat your infants: A.) Boiled  B.) Fried  C.) Raw ‘n squirmin’ or  D.) Diced and baked on an extra cheese pizza?

2.) When fighting in the war on Christmas each year, what is your preferred weapon:  A.) A .357 Magnum  B.) A flamethrower  C.)  A small nuclear device or  D.) All of the above?

3.) You come upon the house of a Christian and find it has a well in the backyard.  Do you A.)  Poison it with cyanide B.)  Throw the Christian and his family into it and seal it closed  C.)  Pour Ebola into it and laugh as the family suffers and dies from it or  D.)  Fill it with poisonous snakes and giggle when one is brought up in a bucket by the Christian and bites him in the face?

4.) A group of evangelical Christians move in next door to you.  Do you A.)  Begin having all night orgies in your backyard to offend them  B.)  Leave your shades open at night so they can watch you dance naked in the blood of the babies you’ve slaughtered  C.)  Make 3ft penis topiaries out of your front hedges and spend entire weekends outside gently stoking them or D.)  All of the above?

5.)  What’s your idea of a great 1st date  A.)  Reenacting the biblical destruction of Jericho by killing everyone in the town next to you in the name of God  B.)  Finding out where pedophile Catholic priests reside and removing their genitals from their bodies  C.)  Dressing as demons and terrorizing creationists on their way to Sunday services  or  D.)  Any of the above?

 

04.03.17
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Ask A Fetus

Dear Fetus, I’ve a serious problem I hope you can help me with. There’s a group of young ruffian kids who constantly run all over my lawn and tear it up. I’ve yelled at them; set bear traps to catch and seriously injure them, and fired multiple rounds of buck shot at them, all to no avail. They mock me with their very existence, and, if they do not stop tearing up my lawn, I will completely lose every shred of sanity I have left. Is there any advice you can give me to stop this unbearable torture I endure a few days out of every summer? Thanks in advance, The Reverend Jerome “Grouchy” Oldman

 

Dear Jerome, you think you’ve got problems?! I’m a fetus! A f**kin’ FETUS! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to order a pizza when you’re a fetus? Do you?! Well, let me tell you. First, I’m surrounded by embryonic fluid which is constantly f**king up my iPhone. I’ve had to replace the f**kin’ thing 3 times since I was a zygote. 3 f**kin’ times! Next, try ordering a pizza to be delivered to the address: “My mother’s belly.” “Which mother’s belly?” They always ask. Well, how in f**k’s name would I know. I’m a f**kin’ FETUS! I’m INSIDE a womb. I’ve no idea whose womb yet because I can’t f**kin’ see her face! Jesus Christ! It sucks, Jerome! It really f**kin’ sucks! Compared to your “lawn” issue, this one’s far, far worse. So, next time you want to ask me a question, ask me a serious one or f**k off. Hope this helps. Love always, a Fetus

04.01.17
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Biblical Mugshots

Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.

1.)

Satan: Arrested In 4000 BC For “Grabbing Women By The Pussy ‘Cause I’m Famous.”

2.)

St. Peter: Arrested In 34 AD For Shouting Anti-Semitic Slurs At A Group Of Rabbis In Jerusalem.

3.)

Judas: Arrested In 30 AD For Having Sex With Pontius Pilate’s Wife.

4.)

Virgin Mary: Arrested In 29 AD For Telling A Deli Owner She Didn’t Have To Pay For Her Bagel Because She Was ” The Virgin Mother Of The One, True God.”

5.)

Jesus: Arrested In 31 AD For Accidentally Turning All The Water At A 7 Year Old’s Birthday Party Into Wine.