Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Nazi City, America. In rather unsurprising news today, Donald Trump announced he launched several nuclear missiles at what he calls, The fuckin’ shit-heals in the Middle East. “I used my great wealth and the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to build up a vast nuclear arsenal over the past few years,” Führer Trump said earlier today. “Last night I launched 45 nuclear missiles at the Middle East, and this morning, I got word that Turkey, Syria, Iraq, and Iran have been turned into radioactive wastelands. The only unfortunate bit of news I have to report is that the missiles intended to hit Yemen hit Greece instead. Oh, well, I’m sure my fellow Americans will be able to live with a little bit of collateral damage knowing I wiped out pretty much all of our troubles in a single night. Besides that, I never really cared much for Greek food. Tonight I’ll send more nukes to finish off what’s left of the Middle East. I’m certain that by doing this my chances of becoming President have greatly increased. God bless America, and God bless freedom!”
Now for our latest advice column, Advice From An Average Atheist
Bible Belt Town, Kentucky. Republican Presidential candidate, Ben Carson, said today that the Empire State Building was built by Joseph from the Bible as a storage container for canned goods. “Ben Carson says Joseph built the Empire State Building to store canned goods in,” Ben Carson proclaimed earlier. “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is! And when Ben Carson uses Ben Carson’s great intellect to deduce what is true in life, then what Ben Carson says about life is true! To doubt Ben Carson will make Ben Carson angry. When Ben Carson gets angry, Ben Carson SMASHES!!!!! So don’t make Ben Carson angry by doubting Ben Carson’s Empire State Building statement!” After making this last exclamation, Ben Carson stomped off into the sunset yelling, “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!! Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!!”
I’ve invented many wonderful gadgets over the years in my never-ending quest to force the Nobel Prize Committee to give me my hard-earned Nobel Prize. Here are a few of them along with their suggested retail prices. Each is available for purchase in The Arm Chair Pontificator online store should you wish to buy them.
Greetings to all infidels and defilers of Islamic law, my name is Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer of Infidels, and Allah has sent me to kill you. Allah has become increasingly sickened by the existence of Christians, Jews, a-theists, and every other infidel out there who refuses to accept that he is the one and ONLY true god there is. (Just as a side note, he is NOT angry with any infidel for dissing his prophet, Muhammad, at the moment. This is because Muhammad owes him a great deal of money from a bet he lost to him on the Super Bowl, and until it’s paid, Allah will act as if Muhammad doesn’t exist). However, Allah IS angry, beyond all words, by the arrogant disrespect infidels show him by choosing to be infidels in the first place. So, if you are an infidel, Allah wants you to know he hates you. He hates you SO much, in fact, that he’s proclaimed you must be executed as swiftly as possible for he can no longer stomach your existence. And he has chosen me, Admiral Taslim Ackbar, to be the vehicle through which this is accomplished.
However, before I bring Allah’s bloody vengeance down upon all infidels, I must first ask a question that I’ve pondered my whole life: How could any intelligent man chose NOT to be Muslim?! What an outstanding, manly religion Islam is! It has everything any male monotheist could ever ask for in an ancient, outdated, dogmatic belief system. Below are but a few of its more desirable qualities.
Like Muhammad, men can choose to marry, in certain advanced Muslim countries, girls under the age of 12. What adult male pedophile wouldn’t love this idea? No better way to train a woman to behave exactly the way you want her to than to start fuckin’ ‘er before she’s 12! That’s what I always say!
In many parts of the world, America in particular, religious “Faith” is given such a high degree of deference that you can do almost ANYTHING in its name and people will remain silent about it for fear of “offending” you. This serves Islamic bullies, like me, quite well. Being a killer of infidels, I appreciate not having my religious practices, which often involve public declarations of hate and threats of death against those Allah decrees I must abhor, questioned by anyone for fear they might offend me by doing so. Islam is a great religion if you love hating people openly as much as I do.
The last desirable quality of Islam I wish to tout here is this: No other religion, in the year 2015, can silence criticism of itself and its wrong doings as well as Islam does. Islam keeps artists, writers, actors, politicians, leaders of other religions, and even news reporters afraid to speak out against it. Through acts of horrific violence and threats of such violence against those who call into question just how miserable and completely fucked up Islam is, Islam continues to exist as the misogynistic, backward, fucked up, piece of shit “Faith” it is without the criticism it deserves. And once I kill all the infidels out there who question it, as Allah says I must, everyone in the world will be just like me. Doesn’t that just make you feel all bubbly and warm inside?
by E.B. de Mas, reachable at: email@example.com
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