Meet White Saturday, Black Friday’s Manager

Howdy folks! I'm White Saturday, Black Friday's lawyer. I'm sure many of you have never heard of me, so I decided to introduce myself, and explain my role in Black Friday's life.

Howdy folks!  I’m White Saturday, Black Friday’s manager.  I’m sure many of you have never heard of me, so I decided to introduce myself, and explain my role in Black Friday’s life.  This is a very busy time of year for Black Friday.  He’s wanted EVERYWHERE consumer goods are sold, especially today, the day after Thanksgiving.  It’s my job to manage Black Friday’s time and ensure the preservation of his emotional core.  Before Black Friday hired me to do these things, he tried to be everywhere at once.  This caused him to have an emotional breakdown which incapacitated him for three years from 1979 to 1981.  Thus, no after Thanksgiving Day sales took place those years.  However, now that he’s hired me, I make sure that his appearances are limited to 3 hour shifts and that everyone who wants to take advantage of the great sales he provides is aware the same sales will be taking place on the Saturday after the Friday following Thanksgiving, a day Black Friday and I are lobbying Congress to call, Caucasian Saturday.  Black Friday and I hope you all have a safe and violence free Black Friday and remember, what you can’t buy today, you can always buy tomorrow.

 

 

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Donald Trump Wipes Out Middle East

Donald Trump Moments After Announcing He Has "Wiped Out" The Middle East

Donald Trump Moments After Announcing He “Wiped Out” The Middle East

Nazi City, America.   In rather unsurprising news today, Donald Trump announced he launched several nuclear missiles at what he calls, The fuckin’ shit-heals in the Middle East.   “I used my great wealth and the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to build up a vast nuclear arsenal over the past few years,” Führer Trump said earlier today.   “Last night I launched 45 nuclear missiles at the Middle East, and this morning, I got word that Turkey, Syria, Iraq, and Iran have been turned into radioactive wastelands.  The only unfortunate bit of news I have to report is that the missiles intended to hit Yemen hit Greece instead.  Oh, well, I’m sure my fellow Americans will be able to live with a little bit of collateral damage knowing I wiped out pretty much all of our troubles in a single night.  Besides that, I never really cared much for Greek food.  Tonight I’ll send more nukes to finish off what’s left of the Middle East.  I’m certain that by doing this my chances of becoming President have greatly increased.  God bless America, and God bless freedom!”

Advice From An Average Atheist

Now for our latest advice column,  Advice From An Average Atheist

Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year's War On Christmas. Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last year, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012. Just wondering so I can be prepared. Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy

Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year’s War On Christmas.  Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012?  Just wondering so I can be prepared.     Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy  

 

 Young Billy, this is WAR! Though I'm glad you asked your question, I can't any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS. You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I'll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy. Beware the trees. Thanks for asking your question, and have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year. Yours in insipid evil, An Average Atheist

Dear Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, least you forget, this is WAR!  Though I’m glad you asked your question, I can’t any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS.  You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I’ll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy.  Beware the trees.  Hope this helps, and thanks for asking your question.  Hope you have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year.   Yours In Insipid Evil, An Average Atheist

Empire State Building Built By Joseph To Store Canned Goods Says Ben Carson

Ben Carson Says: "Ben Carson Is The Smartest One There Is!"

Ben Carson Says: “Ben Carson Is The Smartest One There Is!”

Bible Belt Town, Kentucky.    Republican Presidential candidate, Ben Carson, said today that the Empire State Building was built by Joseph from the Bible as a storage container for canned goods.  “Ben Carson says Joseph built the Empire State Building to store canned goods in,” Ben Carson proclaimed earlier.  “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!  And when Ben Carson uses Ben Carson’s great intellect to deduce what is true in life, then what Ben Carson says about life is true!  To doubt Ben Carson will make Ben Carson angry.  When Ben Carson gets angry, Ben Carson SMASHES!!!!!  So don’t make Ben Carson angry by doubting Ben Carson’s Empire State Building statement!”  After making this last exclamation, Ben Carson stomped off into the sunset yelling, “Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!!  Ben Carson is the smartest one there is!!!!”

Some Of My Crazy Inventions

I’ve invented many wonderful gadgets over the years in my never-ending quest to force the Nobel Prize Committee to give me my hard-earned Nobel Prize.  Here are a few of  them along with their suggested retail prices.  Each is available for purchase in The Arm Chair Pontificator online store should you wish to buy them.

1.)

TACP Self-Cleaning Dog. This adorable pet comes with a built in cleaning system so you never have to bath him. Just sprinkle a little water on him, stand back, and watch your pet foam up, rinse off, and dry off right in front of you without you ever having to get your hands wet. These make GREAT Christmas gifts and cost only $76.89. Buy now while supplies last.

TACP Self-Cleaning Dog.  This adorable pet comes with a built-in cleaning system so you never have to bathe him. Just sprinkle a little water on him, stand back, and watch your pet foam up, rinse, then dry off right in front of you without ever having to get your hands wet.  These make GREAT Christmas gifts and cost only $76.89. Buy now while supplies last.

 

2.)

TACP Worm Hole Sealer. I invented this baby after I used my particle accelerator to open a worm hole to the Andromeda Galaxy. Half my apartment got sucked into the thing before I created this super magnetized zipper to seal it shut. If you have a similar problem in your home or apartment, buy one of these for $34.75 and seal it shut for good. You'll be glad you did.

TACP Worm Hole Sealer.  I invented this after I used a particle accelerator to open a worm hole to the Andromeda Galaxy in my apartment one morning. It sucked half my things up into it before I created this super magnetized zipper to seal it shut. If you have a worm hole in your home or apartment, buy one of these puppies for $34.75 and seal it shut for good. You’ll be glad you did.

 

3.)

TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. This little item actually brings swatted flies and bees BACK to life after they've been killed. You see, I'm a pacifist and believe all life is special even the life of flies and bees. Amaze, and even piss off your friends, as you resurrect the insects they just killed while at the beach or on a picnic with TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. They're only $23.56, so buy one now.

TACP Reverse Fly Swatter.  This item actually brings swatted flies and bees BACK to life after they’ve been killed. You see, I’m a pacifist and believe all life is special, even the life of flies and bees. So, I invented this awesome fly swatter that brings them back to life when you wave it over their splattered corpses.  Amaze, and even piss off your friends, as you resurrect the pesky insects they’ve just killed while at the beach or on a picnic with TACP Reverse Fly Swatter.  They’re only $23.56 in our online store.

 

4.)

TACP Stairway To Heaven. I invented this one night after a drinking binge just to see if I could do it. Welp, I did. Took me all night, but by morning I'd built a stairway to Heaven and was having tea with Jesus, John Lennon, and Leonard Nimoy. Of course, Jesus kicked my ass right back down the stairway when he learned I was an atheist, but, if you've got $99.99 and would like to buy this from me, you may have better luck than I did with the dude.

TACP Stairway To Heaven.  I invented this one night after a drinking binge just to see if I could do it. Welp, I did. Took me all night, but by morning I’d built a stairway to Heaven and was  having tea with Jesus, John Lennon, and Leonard Nimoy while watching the sun rise.  Of course, Jesus kicked my ass right back down the stairway when he learned I was an atheist, but, if you’ve got $99.99 and would like to buy this from me, you may have better luck than I did with the dude and actually get to stay for breakfast.

 

Meet Jihadist, Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer Of Infidels

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Greetings to all infidels and defilers of Islamic law, my name is Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer of Infidels, and Allah has sent me to kill you. Allah has become increasingly sickened by the existence of Christians, Jews, a-theists, and every other infidel out there who refuses to accept that he is the one and ONLY true god there is. (Just as a side note, he is NOT angry with any infidel for dissing his prophet, Muhammad, at the moment. This is because Muhammad owes him a great deal of money from a bet he lost to him on the Super Bowl, and until it’s paid, Allah will act as if Muhammad doesn’t exist).  However, Allah IS angry, beyond all words, by the arrogant disrespect infidels show him by choosing to be infidels in the first place. So, if you are an infidel, Allah wants you to know he hates you. He hates you SO much, in fact, that he’s proclaimed you must be executed as swiftly as possible for he can no longer stomach your existence. And he has chosen me, Admiral Taslim Ackbar, to be the vehicle through which this is accomplished.

Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer Of Infidels

Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer Of Infidels

However, before I bring Allah’s bloody vengeance down upon all infidels, I must first ask a question that I’ve pondered my whole life: How could any intelligent man chose NOT to be Muslim?! What an outstanding, manly religion Islam is!  It has everything any male monotheist could ever ask for in an ancient, outdated, dogmatic belief system. Below are but a few of its more desirable qualities.

  1. Women are looked upon as evil temptresses in Islam and are considered to be no more than second, or even third-rate, pieces of property belonging to their husbands. They must keep their evil, temptress-like faces veiled at all times so men won’t be tempted to rape them. AND, now get this, if a man does happen to rape a woman, well, it’s simply seen as her own fault for not wearing the right veil or for having eyes that were just too seductive and evil for ANY man to resist. Now if that isn’t just about the best example of a win/win situation there is for a guy, I don’t know what is!
  2. Like Muhammad, men can choose to marry, in certain advanced Muslim countries, girls under the age of 12. What adult male pedophile wouldn’t love this idea? No better way to train a woman to behave exactly the way you want her to than to start fuckin’ ‘er before she’s 12! That’s what I always say!

  3. In many parts of the world, America in particular, religious “Faith” is given such a high degree of deference that you can do almost ANYTHING in its name and people will remain silent about it for fear of “offending” you. This serves Islamic bullies, like me, quite well. Being a killer of infidels, I appreciate not having my religious practices, which often involve public declarations of hate and threats of death against those Allah decrees I must abhor, questioned by anyone for fear they might offend me by doing so. Islam is a great religion if you love hating people openly as much as I do.

  4. The last desirable quality of Islam I wish to tout here is this: No other religion, in the year 2015, can silence criticism of itself and its wrong doings as well as Islam does. Islam keeps artists, writers, actors, politicians, leaders of other religions, and even news reporters afraid to speak out against it. Through acts of horrific violence and threats of such violence against those who call into question just how miserable and completely fucked up Islam is, Islam continues to exist as the misogynistic, backward, fucked up, piece of shit “Faith” it is without the criticism it deserves. And once I kill all the infidels out there who question it, as Allah says I must, everyone in the world will be just like me. Doesn’t that just make you feel all bubbly and warm inside?