Monthly Archives: July 2015

07.30.15
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Menu From The Last Supper Discovered In Cave Near Dead Sea

This 2000 Year Old Menu For Mexican Food Was Found In A Jug Inside A Cave Near The Dead Sea. It Is Believed To Be The Very Menu Used By Jesus And The Disciples During Their Last Supper Together

This 2000 Year Old Menu For Mexican Food Was Found In A Jug Inside A Cave Near The Dead Sea. It Is Believed To Be The Very Menu Used By Jesus And The Disciples During Their Last Supper Together

Necrophiliac City, Israel.    In news today that has anachronistically rocked Christendom, Biblical scholar and professional ballet dancer, Idont Wana Kissya, announced he has discovered the menu used by Jesus and his disciples during the last supper. “I was practicing some pirouettes this morning in a dark, dry, smelly cave near the Dead Sea,” Mr. Kissya said. ” In the midst of one of my more spectacular twirls, I tripped over an old, clay jug and knocked the lid off of it.  Inside I found a menu for Mexican food that was signed by Jesus and all twelve of his disciples with the words, ‘For The Last Time’, written on it in sheep’s blood.  Even though the anachronistic nightmare this creates is hard to get one’s mind around, I can not help but believe the document to be 100% authentic and just over 2000 years old.    When dealing with Jesus, we must never forget we’re dealing with a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless being for whom the laws of physics and common sense do not apply.  The menu will be taken to Turin, Italy were it will be locked away with the famous burial shroud of Jesus that’s kept there for people to gaze at once every few hundred years or so.  In the meantime, for those Christians interested, if you wish to be closer to Jesus tonight, order a few steak burritos.  We now have undeniable proof they were Christ’s favorite food.”

07.29.15
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Pussy Talk

My lawyer says I'll be out in less than a year. You see, I didn't INTEND to kill the mouse. I only wanted to PLAY with it. Therefor, they could only convict me of "mouse-slaughter" and not murder.

My lawyer says I’ll be out in less than a year. You see, I didn’t INTEND to kill the mouse. I only wanted to PLAY with it. Therefor, they could only convict me of “mouse-slaughter” and not murder.

07.27.15
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This Week’s Advice From Christ

Now for another question to Christ from one of our billions of loyal readers.

 

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they're not growing. I put them in a shady spot, the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn't matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They're not. They're dying, and I'm VERY frustrated. Why aren't you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I'm at my wits end. Please help me understand what I'm doing wrong. Thank you, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they’re not growing. I put them in a shady spot, and the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn’t matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They’re not. They’re dying, and I’m VERY frustrated. Why aren’t you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants grow strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I’m at my wit’s end. Please help me understand what I’m doing wrong.     Thank you for your prompt, pertinent reply, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

 

 

Dear Jeb, you're an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people's tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do that? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this. Love always, your friend, Jesus

Dear Jeb, you’re an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people’s tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do it? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this.   Love always, your friend, Jesus Christ

07.23.15
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The Arm Chair Pontificator Is Proud To Present, Advice From Christ

Greetings ACP readers and welcome to the first ever edition of Advice From Christ.   Jesus, being the close personal friend of mine he is, has agreed to answer one question a week from one the hundreds of millions of people who read this blog regularly.   Today’s question comes from a 14-year-old follower of the site named Mary Sweetness who asks:

Jesus, my boyfriend is insisting that we go all the way on our next date or he'll leave me for someone who will. I really like him and don't want to lose him, but I'm really not ready yet to go all the way. What should I do? Thanks.

Jesus, My Boyfriend Is Insisting That We Go All The Way On Our Next Date Or He’ll Leave Me For Someone Who Will. I Really Like Him And Don’t Want To Lose Him, But I’m Still A Virgin And Really Not Ready Yet To Go All The Way. What Should I Do? Thanks.

 

Mary, I'll Be Blunt. Your Boyfriend Sounds Like A Real Asshole. He's Trying To Force You Into Something You're Obviously Not Ready For. Dump The Son Of A Bitch. He's A Wife-Abusing Misogynist In The Making And You Don't Need Him. Save Yourself For When You Feel You Are Ready. The Right Boy Will Appreciate You For It. Just Remember To Use A Condom When You Do Have Sex. I Wouldn't Want You To Get An STD Or Become Pregnant When You Didn't Want To Be. Hope This Helps You, Jesus.

Mary, I’ll Be Blunt. Your Boyfriend Sounds Like A Real Asshole. He’s Trying To Force You Into Something You’re Obviously Not Ready For. Dump The Son Of A Bitch. He’s A Wife-Abusing Misogynist In The Making And You Don’t Need Him. Save Yourself For When You Feel You Are Ready. The Right Boy Will Appreciate You For It. Just Remember To Use A Condom When You Do Have Sex. I Wouldn’t Want You To Get An STD Or Become Pregnant When You Didn’t Want To. Hope You Find This Advice Helpful, Jesus.

07.22.15
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I Have A Confession To Make: I’m A Cannibal And I Worship Satan

Recently, I’ve decided to be more honest with myself and others in hopes of getting the Nobel Prize Committee to GET OFF IT’S COLLECTIVE ASS and give me my NOBEL PRIZE already!  So, I’ve a huge confession to make.

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

Not only do I eat Christian children and love it, I firmly believe in Satan, a magical invisible guy, and I’ve devoted my entire life, each and every breath of it, to Him and His insipid evil ways. Every night I strip down to a thin silver thong, cover my nipples in garlic butter, and chant morally deprived incantations to the scourge of all Christians, the “E” in all Evil, and the “A” in all atheism, Satan. The mushroom induced incantation I recently recited for my Lord and Master went something like this.

Oh great, nasty, mother fuckin’ Satan! You are soooo nasty and mother fuckin’ rotten! In honor of you and your limitless depravity, today I pushed an old man down to the pavement and told him I did it because I wanted to be more like you. Then I took his wallet and threw it down a sewer while calling him a sissy and a barnyard animal-fucker.  Oh, the fun I had doing it!

Oh, nasty, nasty mother fuckin’ evil one! Oh, enemy of Christians! Oh, bringer of bad smells! I know you’re real, and that you will reward me with many sexually perverted women who’ll use me as their love bitch simply because I have Faith in you.

And it is by Faith, and Faith alone, that I know you are, with absolute and undeniable certainty, real. My Faith in you, oh, Lord of all fecal matter, is infallible and perfect. This is obvious to all who share my Faith in you.  And lastly, oh, ceaseless torturer of puppies and senseless paralyzer of children, I meditated on my Faith in you for a very long time today and concluded it was not possible I could be wrong about your evil existence.  Thus, it is without refute that I know you exist in a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless shit-hole somewhere and are as real as real can be.  Bless you my evil Lord, and thank you for helping me become the nasty no-good-nik I proudly am today.

07.20.15
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Meet Burt, The Very Foul-Mouth Butterfly

Some Fuck-Wad Just Called Me An Anti-Gay Bigot Because I Told Him I Hate Musical Theater. Can You Believe That Fuckin' Shit?! Fuck That! Look At Me, God Damn It! I've Got A Fuckin' Rainbow On My God Damn Wings, And I'm So Light On My Fuckin' Feet I Can LITERALLY Fly!! I'm As Fuckin' Gay As It Gets! So Go Fuck Yourself With A Rusty Tail Pipe If You Want To Call Me Anti-Gay, God Damn It!

Some Fuck-Wad Just Called Me An Anti-Gay Bigot Because I Told Him I Hate Musical Theater. Can You Believe That Fuckin’ Shit?! Fuck That! Look At Me, God Damn It! I’ve Got A Fuckin’ Rainbow On My God Damn Wings, And I’m So Light On My Fuckin’ Feet I Can LITERALLY Fly!! I’m As Fuckin’ Gay As It Gets! So Go Fuck Yourself With A Rusty Tail Pipe If You Want To Call Me Anti-Gay, Ya God Damn Smegma-Faced Douche Bag!