Necrophiliac City, Israel. In news today that has anachronistically rocked Christendom, Biblical scholar and professional ballet dancer, Idont Wana Kissya, announced he has discovered the menu used by Jesus and his disciples during the last supper. “I was practicing some pirouettes this morning in a dark, dry, smelly cave near the Dead Sea,” Mr. Kissya said. ” In the midst of one of my more spectacular twirls, I tripped over an old, clay jug and knocked the lid off of it. Inside I found a menu for Mexican food that was signed by Jesus and all twelve of his disciples with the words, ‘For The Last Time’, written on it in sheep’s blood. Even though the anachronistic nightmare this creates is hard to get one’s mind around, I can not help but believe the document to be 100% authentic and just over 2000 years old. When dealing with Jesus, we must never forget we’re dealing with a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless being for whom the laws of physics and common sense do not apply. The menu will be taken to Turin, Italy were it will be locked away with the famous burial shroud of Jesus that’s kept there for people to gaze at once every few hundred years or so. In the meantime, for those Christians interested, if you wish to be closer to Jesus tonight, order a few steak burritos. We now have undeniable proof they were Christ’s favorite food.”
Now for another question to Christ from one of our billions of loyal readers.
Greetings ACP readers and welcome to the first ever edition of Advice From Christ. Jesus, being the close personal friend of mine he is, has agreed to answer one question a week from one the hundreds of millions of people who read this blog regularly. Today’s question comes from a 14-year-old follower of the site named Mary Sweetness who asks:
Recently, I’ve decided to be more honest with myself and others in hopes of getting the Nobel Prize Committee to GET OFF IT’S COLLECTIVE ASS and give me my NOBEL PRIZE already! So, I’ve a huge confession to make.
Not only do I eat Christian children and love it, I firmly believe in Satan, a magical invisible guy, and I’ve devoted my entire life, each and every breath of it, to Him and His insipid evil ways. Every night I strip down to a thin silver thong, cover my nipples in garlic butter, and chant morally deprived incantations to the scourge of all Christians, the “E” in all Evil, and the “A” in all atheism, Satan. The mushroom induced incantation I recently recited for my Lord and Master went something like this.
Oh great, nasty, mother fuckin’ Satan! You are soooo nasty and mother fuckin’ rotten! In honor of you and your limitless depravity, today I pushed an old man down to the pavement and told him I did it because I wanted to be more like you. Then I took his wallet and threw it down a sewer while calling him a sissy and a barnyard animal-fucker. Oh, the fun I had doing it!
Oh, nasty, nasty mother fuckin’ evil one! Oh, enemy of Christians! Oh, bringer of bad smells! I know you’re real, and that you will reward me with many sexually perverted women who’ll use me as their love bitch simply because I have Faith in you.
And it is by Faith, and Faith alone, that I know you are, with absolute and undeniable certainty, real. My Faith in you, oh, Lord of all fecal matter, is infallible and perfect. This is obvious to all who share my Faith in you. And lastly, oh, ceaseless torturer of puppies and senseless paralyzer of children, I meditated on my Faith in you for a very long time today and concluded it was not possible I could be wrong about your evil existence. Thus, it is without refute that I know you exist in a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless shit-hole somewhere and are as real as real can be. Bless you my evil Lord, and thank you for helping me become the nasty no-good-nik I proudly am today.