Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40

 

 

 

 

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Polytheism Caused Disappearance Of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.

I Fucking Hate You All

Jesus Says, I’m Not Happy With You

“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.

Amelia Earhart

Amelia Earhart

Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.

Off To Kill Polytheists

Off To Kill Polytheists

We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”