A Brief Word From Jesus

Jesus

Hey all, Jesus here.   Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia.   First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes.  I’m black and I’m proud, folks.  Get it right.  Please.   And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them?  Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK?  STOP IT!!!  Man, that sh*t disgusts me.   Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear?  You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me?  Cut it out, already.   Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine.   Is that too hard to do?

Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally.  ARE YOU NUTS?!  It’s 2017 for My Own sake!  Get a f**kin’ education.  Yeah, it’s hard.   Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.  Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive.   It’s easier to live that way.  OK?  Now, bugger off.  It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.

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Yahweh Tells Man To Kill Son, Man Put In Mental Hospital

"Kill that fuckin' boy," says The Lord of Love, Yahweh

“Kill that fuckin’ boy,” says The Lord of Love, Yahweh

Bible-Is-Literal-Town, Ohio.   A crazed Christian man today, via the word of Yahweh, brought his 6-year-old son to the town square and attempted to cut out his heart for the Lord with a big, nasty-looking knife.  Several police rushed in on him and took the knife away before he could kill the boy.  The man is now in a mental hospital and on several anti-psychotic drugs.  Yahweh has been nowhere to be seen, as usual.   This  report has been brought to you by humans who love Yahweh because he’s more real than reality.

Bible Folks In Ascots

Here are a few pics of folks from the Bible looking stunning in ascots.

1.) John the Baptist

He looked so amazing in this ascot, I barely noticed John the Baptist was missing his head.

He looks so stupendous in this lovely ascot, you barely notice his missing head.

 

2.) Yahweh

The Godfather of All Things has never looked more content than he does sporting this fabulous ascot.

The Godfather of All Things has never looked more content than he does sporting this fabulous ascot.

 

3.) Jesus

The Son of Man looks about as "GQ" as one can get wearing this masculinely patterned ascot.

The Son of Man looks about as “GQ” as one can get wearing this masculinely patterned ascot.

 

4.) Saint Peter

Though he looks a tad dainty in this white, fluffy ascot, Christ still built his church upon this rock of a man.

Though he looks a tad dainty in this white, fluffy ascot, Christ still built his church upon this rock of a man.

 

5.) Judas Iscariot

Apparently this fallen Apostle spent all 30 pieces of the silver he received to betray Jesus on this striking blue ascot and suit jacket.

Apparently this fallen Apostle spent all 30 pieces of the silver he received to betray Jesus on this striking blue ascot and suit jacket.

Christmas Wishes From The Bible

1.) Baby Jesus:

Baby Jesus says, "It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!"

“Merry Christmas.  It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to.  Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!”

 

2.) Lazarus:

"Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I'm around."

“Merry Christmas, y’all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I’m around.”

 

3.) Yahweh:

"Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I'm God! I don't have to wear clothes on Christmas or any other day, either! Ha! Ha! It's good ta be God!"

“Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I’m God! I don’t ever have to wear clothes, even on Christmas! Ha! Ha! It’s good ta be God!”

 

4.) The Virgin Mary:

"Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I'm pregnant and he ain't the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?"

“Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I’m pregnant and he ain’t the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?”

Wise, Awesome Knowledge From The Book Of Revelation

And There Shall Be Great Gaps In The Knowledge Of The People That Will Be Filled With Nebulous Horseshit That Far Too Many Will Claim To Be Divine, Infallible Knowledge That They Are Privy To Because, Well, Because They Say So.   Revelation, 65:34

And There Will Be Great Gaps In The Knowledge Of The People.  These Will Be Filled With Copious Amounts Of Horseshit That Many Will Claim To Be Divinely Inspired And Infallibly Correct.  They Will Say This Knowledge Is Infallibly Correct Because, Well, Because It Will Be Written In Very Old Books Which They Will Claim Contain Infallible, Divinely Inspired, Perfectly Correct, Knowledge.  And There Will Be Great Rejoicing Throughout The Land!   Revelation, 65:34:33—HIKE!!!

Search For Terrestrial Intelligence Program Launched By Ken Ham

Ken Ham Shows His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Ken Ham Shows Off His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Hollow Skull, Kentucky.  Creationist and founder of the highly intelligent Creation Museum in Kentucky, Ken Ham, announced today he is sponsoring a Search For Terrestrial Intelligence program in order to find the few intelligent people on Earth who realize the Bible is, word for word, undeniably true, and Jesus is our true Lord and Savior who loves everyone equally whilst hating fags.  “I just know in my highly intelligent mind that there are other people out there who are as intelligent as I am,” Mr. Ham said earlier today.   “I’ve come up with a test to give people to see which ones are intelligent and which are stupid, dumb-dumb heads.  It’s a test I call the Search For Terrestrial Intelligence.  It consists of three simple questions which are as follows: 1.) Are you intelligent enough to recognize the great intelligence I, Ken Ham, possess?  2.) Are you intelligent enough to understand the Bible is absolutely, word for word, correct? And, lastly, 3.) Do you accept the fact that if you answered ‘no’ to either of the first two questions you’ve proven yourself to be an unintelligent poo-poo head and an evil atheist?  This test will weed out the dumb-dumbs from those brilliant enough to realize my superior intellect.  The test will also help Jesus sort through the idiots who didn’t believe in my intelligence come judgement day.  It will also help me and my followers know who to hate much more clearly.  So, if you think you’re intelligent, take the test and prove it.  Otherwise, I, and Jesus, will just assume you’re a stupid poo-poo face.”

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens, On Why Atheists Suck

TACP'S Republican Presidential Candidate, Dick Biggens

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens Says, Atheists Suck!

Jesus Hates Fags City, Mississippi.  Hello everyone. My name is Dick Biggens.  I’m a Fundamentalist Christian and a firm believer that, not only will atheists one day burn in Hell beneath the sandal-ed feet of Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, they also suck.  I have five specific points on why atheists suck, but before I list them, I will first define for you exactly what an atheist is.  An atheist is any person who has not accepted Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Lord and Savior.  The only thing worse than an atheist in the eyes of Jesus are faggots.  Faggots are so despicable in Jesus’ eyes that, even if they accept Him as their Lord and Savior, He will still hate them for being faggots and burn them in the fires of Hell for eternity after they die.  And now, here is my list of ten reasons why atheists suck.

1.) Atheists suck because they are all faggots.  As I stated above, Jesus, Our All Loving Savior, hates nothing more than faggots.  Thus, since Jesus hates faggots AND atheists, all atheists are faggots.  See?  Simple.

2.) Atheists suck because they do not bow down and kiss the asses of Fundamentalist Christians the way Jesus demands they do.  We like our asses kissed and hate those who refuse to kiss them.  Nothing faggy about this, we just love the feel of warm lips on our Fundamentalist Christian asses, male and female.

3.) Atheists suck because they refuse to read the Bible correctly.  The correct way to read the Bible is our way.  Not reading the Bible our way is a sign that atheists are lazy, uneducated ninnies whose hearts are black and full of sticky, gooey, bile.  Also, since atheists refuse to read the Bible our way, it proves they are not open to reason, and horrible at doing research into why our way of reading the Bible is the ONLY way to read the Bible.  idjits.  The whole sucky lot of ’em.

4.) Atheists suck because they lack any sense of morality.  It is well-known within Fundamentalist Christian circles that all atheists are cannibals.  In particular, they enjoy eating little babies that they’ve ripped from the wombs of good, Fundamentalist Christian women.  Only people without morals would do this, and, as I stated earlier, atheists have no morals.  A person with no morals is also a cannibal.  Atheists have no morals.  Therefor, all atheists are cannibals.  Solid reasoning, is it not?

5.) Lastly, for today, I’ll leave you with this immaculate bit of Fundamentalist Christian reasoning.  People who do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Savior, suck.  Atheists do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their Savior.  Therefor, all atheists suck.

Yours in Our All Loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Dick Biggens.