Hey all, Jesus here. Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia. First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes. I’m black and I’m proud, folks. Get it right. Please. And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them? Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK? STOP IT!!! Man, that sh*t disgusts me. Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear? You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me? Cut it out, already. Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine. Is that too hard to do?
Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally. ARE YOU NUTS?! It’s 2017 for My Own sake! Get a f**kin’ education. Yeah, it’s hard. Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it. Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive. It’s easier to live that way. OK? Now, bugger off. It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.