In an unexpected statement released today from His vacation home in Orlando, God, Creator of All Things, said He will be distributing free apples from The Tree of Knowledge at the Cubs game Sunday in Chicago.
“I thought it might be a good time to clear up any asinine ideas people may still have about apples from that tree: They will not give anyone any knowledge of anything other than what an apple tastes like. No ‘all powerful’ knowledge can, could, or ever would come to anyone eating an apple from any tree, including the one in the Garden of Eden. For My Own sake, people, they’re fucking APPLES! I was just screwing around with Adam and Eve! It was a fuckin’ JOKE!!! I didn’t actually think they would believe all that silly shit I said about ‘don’t eat apples from that tree or I’ll toss you out of Paradise.’ I may be God, but I’m not an asshole. I didn’t even know they’d eaten the apple until I went to fetch them for our Monday night bingo game and couldn’t find them. Eddy, the talking snake I hired as their butler and dance instructor, told me they ran out of Eden right after they’d eaten it because they were too ashamed to tell me about it. I still can’t fucking believe they took Me seriously. Any way, if you’re at the Cubs game this Sunday, come by and get an apple and see for yourself. They’re delicious, but they won’t make you any smarter. And I’m NOT going to be angry that you ate it!”
TACP is proud to present, for the first time in the history of humanity, an interview with Adam, the first ever man.
ACP: Welcome, Adam. And thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
Adam: Yep. No problemo, por favor, Senioritio bandito! Hey, dude. Do you mind if I fire up a dube while we’re talkin’? It’ll help me come down from all the coke I snorted last night. I’m fuckin’ jonezin’, man! JONEZING!!!
ACP: Well, this is a no smoking building, Adam, and I’m certain that policy covers refer. So please, don’t fire up the dube. I don’t want to pay a fine.
Adam: Fuck man! You are such a fuckin’ Momma’s boy! Do you ALWAYS follow the rules adults make for you? Shit. If you’d have been in Eden way back in the day, I bet your ass would have said “no” to Eve when she said, “Fuck God. He’s an asshole. Let’s eat a fucking apple.” Fuck, dude! Where’d civilization be now if some shit like that had happened? Huh? Where, dude? Where? Gone, man! Gone! And, hey, don’t worry ’bout the dube. I’ll just pop a few of these Oxycontin, and I’ll be good ta go.
ACP: I never realized you were such a fan of pharmaceuticals, Adam. What does your wife, Eve, have to say about that?
Adam: Eve? Wife? Fuck, Einstein, that bitch dumped my ass and divorced me the second we left Eden. Told me I was, “uncouth” and “lacked strong morals.” Fuckin’ hoochie momma! How dare she!? If I hadn’t told God she forced me, at gun point, mind you, to eat that fucking apple, where’d she be now, huh? Where? In Paradise with God! That’s where! In Paradise with an old man, pervert God who used to peek at ‘er when she showered AND when she peed. I know, dude! I was fuckin’ there peekin’ with him! Fuck, it was my idea even. “God,” I says ta God one day, ” Have you ever seen the ass you made for Eve up close? I mean UP CLOSE? It’s a fuckin’ MASTER PIECE, DUDE! A fuckin’ work of art worthy of a God like you, man. Come by when she’s showerin’, dude, and we’ll spy on ‘er.” So one day, God comes by while Eve’s in the shower, and the two us spy on her naked ass through a hole I made in the room adjoining the shower stall. Hot fuckin’ times, dude. Hot fuckin’ times!
ACP: So you’re telling me that you and God, The Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, spied on Eve, your wife, while she showered in Eden? Is that what you’re saying?
Adam: Yes. Why? Do you have a fuckin’ problem with it or something, momma’s boy?
End Part One
TACP is proud to present a Q & A session with none other than the nemesis of goodness himself, Satan. Let’s get right to it, shall we.
ACP: How the hell are you, Satan old chum?
Satan: I’ll be better once you get all the innuendos and other types of Satanic word play out of your system and just ask me questions outright. I’m a busy man. I’ve a date tonight with Liz Taylor, and I haven’t a THING to wear. So I’m off to Saks 5th Ave on 5th Ave after this interview to buy a new suit, one I’m hoping can take my heat, if ya get my drift!
ACP: I think I do. Well, I must thank you for agreeing to this interview, Satan. We here at TACP are very proud of the Biblical celebrities who’ve spoken to us over the past several months, and it only seems right that we interview you as well. You take a lot of “heat,” shall we say, for things that are considered wrong with the world. Let me ask you flat-out a big question many have about you: Are you responsible for all the evil in the world? And if so, why? Why bring evil to the world, I mean?
Satan: Well, let me tell you right out that NO! I’m NOT responsible for bad and evil stuff that happens in the world. God is. I didn’t make the Universe from nothing, God did. I didn’t build humans out of clay to do my bidding then get pissed at them cause they ate a banana, and I didn’t toss them out of Paradise for it to suffer on Earth. I had NOTHING to do with ANY of that. Also, I didn’t make ME. God did. The ONLY thing I’ve ever done, is piss off God by laughing at the stupid shit he always does. Shakespeare always tells me I’m like the Fool in “King Lear” who continually tells Lear he fucked up by giving away his land to his psycho daughters who then treat him like crap. I merely point out to God, like the Fool does to Lear, the stupid things he’s done that he doesn’t like pointed out to him. I’ll list a few of them here cause I like doing that:
God hates it that I continually tell him he’s an asshole for being angry about Adam and Sue (Her name was Sue, not Eve, BTW. Please don’t believe MOST of what those idiots wrote in the Bible. Drunkards. Every last one of ’em.) I mean, Adam and Sue ate a friggin’ banana God said not to. So what? Compared to the shit he’s done, SO BLOODY WHAT? God made pain where none existed before; self-doubt when it’s not needed or good for people to have, and he made Hell, where he places the people HE made to burn for doing things HE could have prevented to begin with. These are the actions of a fool, not a god. Who can argue with this?!
God is a self loving child with little love or compassion for anything but himself. He hates that I always tell him this, but it’s true, and if he wanted me to stop telling it to him, he could make me stop, but he doesn’t. Sigmund Freud tells me it’s because God always wanted to have sex with his mother growing up, but, since he has no mother, his lust is for whoever she might have been, and it’s free-floating and just NASTY. Freud says God’s even more fucked in the head than your average fucked in the head person because of this and NO amount of analysis could help him. He hates himself but won’t admit it, so he keeps me around to torment him for his wrongs. Bad for us, his creations, eh?
So there you have it. God’s an asshole who I mock. Thus, he blames shit on me that’s actually his fault. He made Hell, and it is because of him people suffer. Not me. I’m a fun guy. Really, I’d have to be for being able to put up with God as my boss all these years. He just doesn’t want to face how much he’s fucked everything up because he’s a child: a bratty child who’s so spoiled by his own power and self-love he fails to see just how sick and evil he is. That’s God for you folks, in my humblest opinion. Ta Da!!! Wadda you think?
ACP: WOW! That was quite the summary, Satan. Thanks for sharing that with our readers today. I know you need to run to buy that suit you mentioned, but would you mind coming back some time to fill us with more of your insight into the Divine One’s ways?
Satan: Sure thing. Just gimme a holler, and I’ll pop back up, next week maybe even. We’ll see. Bye now.
ACP: Goodbye. And thanks again for a most informative interview. I kinda like you, Satan. You’re OK in my book.
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