Poor ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food Keeps The Poor Healthy Enough To Starve To Death
Meowville, North Carolina. Are you so lazy it makes you poor? Do you find yourself having to eat cat and dog food because you can’t afford anything else to eat? Do you wish there were a pet food that was so packed with nutrients it could help alleviate some of your nutritional concerns as you patiently await death by starvation? Well, then, we here at Conservative Pet Foods, Inc have just the thing for you: ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food. ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food was created by GOP scientists especially for poor and disabled people who are too lazy, drunk and stupid to look for work. Why suffer with poor nutrition as you await the Grim Reaper? Stop eating the trash of your wealthier neighbors and pick up a few cans of ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food today. Your neighbors will thank you for it, as will the police they call every time they catch you digging through their garbage for scraps. Order a few cans now, for just .55 cents a piece, and we’ll toss in a Jesus Hates Beggars T-shirt absolutely free, while supplies last.
*This message has been approved by the Republican National Committee to wipe out the hungry by 2018.
Trump’s Toupee, Just Minutes After Eating Him
Assville, New York. In shocking news today, Donald Trump, Republican presidential candidate, bigot, and all around shit-heal, was devoured by his own toupee whilst hurling racial insults at Mexicans during a press conference. “It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Fox News reporter, Ivana Blowyew. “Mr. Trump was proudly denouncing Mexican people and boldly proclaiming the superiority of filthy rich, conservative white males when his toupee began chewing him up and swallowing him. The more Mr. Trump screamed, the faster the toupee ate. Blood was spewing everywhere. It ended after about 5 minutes when the toupee swallowed Mr. Trump’s feet and shoes and let out a final, enormous belch. The toupee paused for a few minutes to let photographers in the room get a few pictures of it, then it scurried away out an open window. The whole thing was just horrible. Hopefully the toupee will leave other stinking rich, conservative, balding white bigots alone, but from what I saw, I’d say the damn thing has developed a craving for them. So, be on the lookout if you match this description.”
A Christian Conservative Nightmare Come True
As Christian Conservatives and Tea Party members have been warning, the legalization of gay marriage has indeed proven to be a slippery slope leading to demands for the legalization of other forms of nontraditional sexual behavior, at least it has in Illinois. Just over a year after Illinois voted to make gay marriage legal, hundreds of thousands of people, paired with horses and other animals of various sizes, arrived at the doors of the State Capital demanding they be allowed to legally marry the animals they’ve been secretly fornicating with for years. “If Harry can marry Jim, and Sally can marry Susie, then why can’t I marry the man or woman I love, though they be a sheep?” said Peter P. Enis, spokesmen for the group, Animals Do It Better.
“We animal fornicators are happy the slope to human depravity has been so well lubricated for us by gay men and women seeking the legal benefits of marriage for themselves and their partners. Now we, too, are asking that the same benefits be given to us and our beloved cows, dogs, dingoes, horses, and ostriches. What’s wrong with that, I ask?”
The Tea Party responded to this development by stating it happened as a direct result of legalized gay marriage, Obama Care, and the continued denial by Democrats, Liberals, and Jews that Jesus truly does hate fags, and, occasionally, lesbians.
Though Better Baked, A Live Infant Sandwich Can Be Quite Tasty
I actually began cooking and savoring human infants long before I realized I don’t believe in gods any more than I believe keeping Texas in the Union is a reasonable idea. “Ya ain’t had meat ’til ya had baby meat,” my Pops always told me. And we had plenty of it when I was growing up, too. Being an atheist does, however, make the kidnapping, boiling alive, and savoring of the meat a lot easier. There isn’t a hint of guilt in me about it. The minute I realized there was no god, I raped as many children and old people as I could find, and started eating infants like they were milk from my mother’s teat. What FREEDOM!!!! Anyway, if any of my fellow morally depraved, godless readers would like some of my Nobel Prize winning recipes for cooked infant or my outstanding infant tare-tare recipe, let me know. Gotta go eat now. I’m STARVING!
In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America. He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.
Santa Firing Hermie The Elf
“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated. President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that. It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did. It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.
So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?
In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping. Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too. Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas. Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing. People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’ Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich! God bless America! I fucking love you!”
Smoldering Hole Where Texas Once Was
An angry giant monster, bearing a haunting resemblance to Bill Clinton, rose up out of the Gulf of Mexico this morning and aborted the entire state of Texas from the North American continent. The giant beast used what appeared to be a massive blender and literally pulverized the entire state into mush with it. Nothing remains of the state now except a smoldering hole where it once was, and a cowboy hat believed to have been worn by George Bush Sr the night George Jr was conceived. The giant Clinton-like monster returned to the Gulf when it was done and vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The Tea Party released a brief statement blaming the entire event on Obama Care and gay marriage.