“The reason my face always looks as if I’m in severe pain,” Tucker said earlier today, “is because I AM always in severe pain.  It hasn’t always been like this, but, in order to show my deep, deep love of President Trump, I’ve recently had an orange, mushroom-shaped butt plug permanently shewn into my rectal cavity which causes me continual pain when sitting and when going number two.  However, the pain is worth it because, in this way, I feel as if a piece of the President, namely, his orange, mushroom-shaped penis, is always deep inside my body and with me no matter where it is I travel.  I honestly believe that if more Americans did this, America would be a much more homogeneous and peaceful place in which to live.   I vow to never have this plug removed from my body until EVERY liberal in America is crushed beneath the all-powerful mushroom-penis of the greatest man who’s ever lived, President Donald J. Trump.  Go Trump!!!  And remember to vote red in November in order to MAGA!  MAGA! MAGA!”