A man, ten years ago, told
Environment did not cause my insanity
I followed him home one night, and I
He’s now in my
Been there as
My prisoner for
Ten years now
To keep him from running,
I severed his Achilles tendons
To keep him from screaming,
I cut out his vocal cords
I own him
I own his environment
I am his world
I may let him free
One day, or, I may simply
Regardless, his fate is totally up to
Me and my
I’m certain that the environment of my
Has caused him far more
And loss of
He was born with
Has far more
Than does our
10.) Continually used my light sabre as a flash light even though I was repeatedly warned of how dangerous it was.
09.) Put pink lights in all the light sabres making the Jedi appear “gay” during battles.
08.) Used the Force to open beer cans to impress babes.
07.) Used the Force to lift the skirts of hot chicks as they walked by me.
06.) Shaved off Obi Wan’s eyebrows after he passed out during a drinking binge.
05.) Used Jedi mind tricks to get free coffee and donuts from 7/11.
04.) Used the Force to levitate my 87-year-old neighbor’s cat causing her to have a mild stroke.
03.) Used my light sabre to cut a man’s car into pieces after he cut me off on the express way.
02.) Used Luke Skywalker’s credit card to purchase 6000 dollars worth of electronics equipment on Amazon.com.
01.) And the number one reason why I was kicked out of the Jedi Order…..I put Ben Gay in Yoda’s jock strap as a Halloween prank.
Why did the necrophiliac break up with his girlfriend? Because she was dead weight.
Not funny, dude. Simply not funny.
That’s So Funny I Forgot To Laugh
Our resident Fundamentalist Christian comic, Frankie Analtight, dropped by the Pontificator office today with some new jokes he’s been working on for his act. Here are a few of them for your perusal.
1.) How many Christians does it take to turn on a light? None. Only Jesus can turn on light.
2.) Why are some people very poor? Because they are lazy.
3.) How many doctors does it take to heal a broken leg? None. Only prayer can heal a broken limb.
4.) Why did Judas betray Jesus? Because he was a bad man.
5.) Why are there people in the world who are not Christians? Because they’re using their freewill to deny reality.
6.) Why are atheists so evil? Because they are the children of Satan.
7.) Why are some people disabled? Because they were bad and God’s punishing them for it.
8.) Why did the Jews kill Christ? See the answer to number 6.
9.) What did Jesus say to the gay couple when he saw them kiss? I hate you.
10.) Why is President Obama such a horrible person? Because he is a devout Muslim and an atheist.
Donald Trump’s Final Solution To The Mexican “Problem”
Genocidal City, New Jersey. Republican Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, announced today that he has rebuilt the Death Star, last destroyed in 1983 by Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker and his Rebel Alliance, in order to use it on Mexicans. “Imagine how much faster the Native Americans would have been wiped out had our white American ancestors used a weapon like this on them,” Trump said earlier today.
Darth Trump, Dark Lord Of The Wealthy
“There can be no doubt about it,” Trump also said. “Mexicans are the greatest threat facing wealthy, white American bigots like myself today. Sure, they take care of our gardens and our children, and they clean our homes for as little as we can legally get away with paying them, but, besides that, what good are they? They don’t look like us. They don’t speak our language, and most of ’em are poorer than church mice. You simply can’t get more un-American than that. So, through various snaky and slimy legal loopholes, I’ve managed to spend several billion dollars, all at the tax payers’ expense, mind you, to reconstruct the Death Star in order to obliterate the “Mexican” problem permanently. Our loving forefathers wiped out the pestilence that was the American Indian to the point that, today, very few of them remain, and those that do certainly pose no threat to our white way of life. My goal is to use the Death Star to do the same with the Mexicans. I simply must keep America pure for real Americans. What kind of President would I make if I didn’t? May The $Force$ Be With You.”
10.) The undocumented Mexican landscapers who charge .15 cents an hour to tend to their yards.
9.) African-Americans who are no longer in bondage.
8.) Unarmed civilians.
7.) People who call them elitist bigots.
6.) Rain that spoils their golf outings with the fellas.
5.) The painters who painted their winter home in Florida chalk-white when they left specific instructions to paint it BONE white.
3.) Fundamentalist Islamic atheists who are President of the United States.
2.) Disabled people who are too fuckin’ lazy to work and pay taxes so that they can get bigger breaks on theirs.
1.) And finally, the number one thing that Republicans hate….THE POOR!!!!