Polytheists Must Be Eradicated, Says Group of Monotheist Zealots

A group of monotheist zealots this morning, calling themselves Monotheists For The Eradication Of Polytheists, said they had a plan to rid the world of people who believed in more than one god. “What kind of backward toothless douche bag believes in more than one god,” said spokesman for the group, Sir William Tiniecock. “We here at the M.F.T.E.O.P. have come together to liberate the planet from the virus ridden bile that is polytheism. Only by ending this scourge of evil that sits amongst us can we know how much we are loved by whichever one true god we choose to believe in. It matters not whether we worship Jesus, Allah, or Yahweh, as long as we don’t worship all three of them, we will be saved from an eternity in Hell when we die.”
Sir Tiniecock also said, “Polytheists must be wiped out because they are all gay, and they fornicate, forcibly, with animals. How many times, now, have you come home from work only to find your family dog, cat, or goldfish in tears because your polytheistic neighbor has broken in and raped it while you were away? How many? Ten, Twenty?

Future Victims Of Polytheist Rapists?

Protect Your Pets: Help Eradicate Polytheists

The idea of a beloved pet being raped, even once, should be enough for you to want polytheists to be sent to an island in the South Pacific and fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars until they are completely eradicated. And that is our exact plan for polytheists. Catch ’em. Bag ’em; then ship ’em to the South Pacific to be fed, slowly, to man-eating wild boars. We need your prayers, and your donations, to help us capture, and kill, every polytheist on the planet. We know it won’t be easy, and, in most countries, not legal, either, but, it is time these polytheist fuckers are eradicated like the bed bugs they are before they eradicate all of us, and our pets too. Amen.”

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Polytheism Caused Disappearance Of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.

I Fucking Hate You All

Jesus Says, I’m Not Happy With You

“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.

Amelia Earhart

Amelia Earhart

Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.

Off To Kill Polytheists

Off To Kill Polytheists

We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.

Monotheism, Polytheism, and A-theism

Why is monotheism considered to be the more “evolved” way of worshiping invisible gods than polytheism? Are monotheists smarter than polytheists?  Do Muslims, Christians, and Jews have a more advanced genetic structure that allows them to comprehend something a billion Hindus can not?  I’ve known a few folks who were Hindu in my time, and in no way did they seem like a less evolved species of hominid.  As a matter of fact, one Hindu man I knew was a Professor for a course I took in college on Human Evolution. He was a brilliant teacher and a very learned anthropologist in spite of the fact he believed there were as many as 300 million gods in our universe just hanging around doing god- type shit all day. That’s a lot of fucking gods! Did this man miss the memo on the superiority of believing in just ONE god? He didn’t seem at all worried about it. Guess 300 million gods can kick the shit outta any one god whether it’s Jesus, Allah, or Ya Hew. Maybe their believers are the ones who didn’t get the memo.

And while I’m on the topic, in my unerring opinion, I find nothing at all monotheistic about Christianity. The guy who hung on the cross is not the same guy who drowned Pharaoh’s army in the fucking Red Sea in the Old Testament. No one thinks in such a way, least of all Christians. And I’m sorry, but this 3 gods in one bullshit doesn’t cut it. 3 is not 1. It’s 3. Period. Oh, I also think The Holy Spirit is a poor ass excuse for a god. Where does this dude get off saying he’s equal to Jesus and The Big All Father? “Oh, I inspire folks to believe, so therefore I get equal billing.” Fuck you buddy. You’re a bloody lazy ass opportunist riding the coat tails of two much more important and more powerful guys. Get a fucking life already. Become a life guard for the disabled or something. Make yourself useful. Ya lazy bum, ya. You’re as much a god as Keanu Reeves is an actor.

If you want your monotheism served fresh and piping hot, you have to go with Islam: ” There is no god but Allah, and Mohamed is his prophet.” Now THAT is mother fucking monotheism, baby! Make no mistake! No mother fucking god but Allah! See, ONE god! The Jews are pretty good monotheists too, as far as I can tell. But since they don’t incessantly banter me with ” We’re right and you will burn in Hell if you don’t believe us” rhetoric like SOOOO many Christian and Muslim sects do, I can’t really be sure The Holy Spirit hasn’t hooked his lazy ass up with them somehow too. Man, if all religions could follow the lead of the Jews and just enjoy practicing their faith without ramming it down my fucking throat, I’d feel a whole lot better about humanity’s future.

I personally believe there is no such thing as a god or gods. I’m an a-theist or non believer in gods. I know many people do believe in them, but I do not. And that’s it. I don’t have faith there are no gods any more than I have faith a mermaid won’t show up tomorrow on the 6PM news saying hello to everyone. I highly fucking doubt it, but I’m not omnipotent. I simply see no evidence of anything other than human beings behaving like the creative wiz kids we are and making up magic stories to explain what we don’t understand. I actually think this trait is so inherent in Homo sapiens, and so intuitive, that it must have somehow helped us in becoming the dominant species on the planet. It was useful to get us here, but no more. Magic thinking of the gaps I call it. If we haven’t an answer to something that seems inexplicable to us at the moment, it is taken as proof that a god or aliens or witches, or the Illuminati, or some other all-powerful ‘something’ must responsible for its being. Added to this concept is a subtext which states, “Since we now have proof of this all-powerful ‘something’, it is useless to attempt to learn more about the nature of reality because it’s just not possible, or we may offend the all-powerful ‘something’ by seeking answers and burn forever for it.” Unlikely. Very unlikely.

Logic. Reason. Healthy Skepticism. And learning via the Scientific Method are counter intuitive ways of thinking for us. Our minds are genetically programmed to plug-in gaps with emotionally perceived truths and we would rather kill than admit these “truths” are often not true at all. I trust the scientific method. I don’t have blind faith in it. I trust it because the supporting evidence tells me to. Thank the stars I’m living today and not a thousand or even a hundred years ago. Through a system of scientific inquiry into the nature of the world by evidence demanding individuals throughout history, we have developed modern medicine, cars, planes, heating and air conditioning, showers, washing machines, etc., etc, etc. I like that science says,” It’s OK to not know. The fun is in the learning. Let’s try to understand how to make things better for ourselves and future generations.” I’ve absolutely no problem with people believing in gods or big foot, or aliens, or what ever else they believe in to make their lives less stressful. Just know that if you want me to believe something you say, you have to show me solid, empirical evidence as to why I should, and all-knowing smirks and eye rolls implying my stupidity do not count.

Zeus Destroys Yemen With Massive Bolts Of Lightning

Yemen today was turned into a smoldering pile of charred debris when Zeus, ruler of the gods of ancient Greece, unleashed a torrent of massive lightning bolts into it from his home atop Mount Olympus. “Fuck Yemen!” Zeus said. “I read yesterday that an 8-year-old ‘bride’ was killed there on her ‘wedding night’ by her 40 something year old husband when he fucked her and tore her insides to pieces. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that, for even a second, tolerates, to any degree, a religious or cultural ideology that allows the families of young girls to make arrangements for them to be married to pedophile rapists for a fee, needs to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Fuck that shit! Sick bastards! I’m old, and it isn’t as easy for me to keep track of everything down there like it once was, but you can believe me when I say, stories like this will ALWAYS get to me at some point. I’m hoping I sent a message today that was clear and concise. If a country doesn’t make it its top priority to wipe its ass of the shit stained individuals and organizations that allow, condone, or cover up the rape of children, I’m wiping it off the planet. No questions asked. Vatican City, is next.”

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning