Ask An Infant

Dear Infant, my name is Naked Johnny, and I’ve got a perplexing problem.  I sincerely hope you can help me with it.  I live in an area where there are blacks, Hispanics, gays, strong women, and socialists.  I want to kill them all with my big, Christian guns because that is, as you MUST know, exactly what Jesus wants. Should I do this, or will I face legal issues I won’t be able to defend?
Thanks, Naked Johnny

 

Well, thanks for the question, Naked Johnny. Before I can answer it, however, I must tell you about the feeding problem I just had. I was feeding happily on my mother’s left breast when she abruptly pulled me away and cried, “Enough! My nipple is sore. You’ll have to wait awhile before you can suckle again!” Well, I, being an infant, began to wail like a, you guessed it, a baby, and grabbed repeatedly for her other breast. She eventually caved in and fed me the nectar from her other breast. Thank Jeebus crying worked. Now, for your issue.  Piss off, ya’ big baby!  You’re nothing more than a whining redneck.  Stop being such a hyper sensitive snowflake and learn to play nice with others.  OK?
Hope this helps. Love always, An Infant.

 

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Clooney Twins Arrested After Assaulting Paparazzi

Clooney Twins In L.A. County Lockup

Los Angeles, California.    George and Amal Clooney’s recently born twins were arrested earlier today after a local paparazzi, Jimmy Inurface, claimed they struck him repeatedly on the shins when he tried to photograph them.   “It was a horrifying experience,” Mr. Inurface said earlier.  “I saw the twins exiting a Honda Civic on Hollywood Boulevard late last night, so I calmly approached them to ask if I could take their picture.  In unison, they told me to go f**k myself then plummeted my shins with their tiny hands.  This continued until I took out my phone and dialed 911.   At that point, the twins returned to their vehicle and sped off after giving me the raspberries.

Though they’re only infants, the battering they gave my shins has caused me great physical and emotional pain.   Besides pressing criminal assault charges, I’m going to sue those brats for all they, and their hot-shot parents, are worth.  I mean, what kinda dead beat parents let their newborn twins drive around all night in a Honda Civic anyway?  They deserve to be sued for that alone.”

James Comey Tragically Shoots Self In Head 6 Times

James Comey: December 14th, 1960 – June 9th, 2017

Washington, D.C.    Just a day after former FBI Director James Comey gave his testimony about Donald Trump to Congress, he was found dead in an alley behind the White House with 6 bullets in his head.   “This is an obvious suicide,” said White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer.  “Clearly, Mr. Comey was distraught after telling all those horrible lies to Congress about his conversations with President Trump.  He must have immediately regretted his words, gotten drunk, purchased a .38 caliber pistol, wandered into an alley behind the White House, and shot himself 6 times in the head.  SAD!  Isn’t it?  This shocking and tragic act by Mr. Comey proves, without any possibility of doubt, that President Trump is the most innocent, most persecuted, most unfairly judged President who has ever, ever lived.  President Trump, and those closest to him, would like to send their condolences to Mr. Comey’s family and friends, but they can’t because they’re so fuckin’ happy he’s dead.  Good riddance, ya’ lyin’ bastard, ya’.”