I Am Not Agnostic, I Am Non-Theistic, Or A-Theistic

To the next theist who tells me it is not possible for me, or any one else, to really be an a-theist, or that a-theism is a religion or a “Faith” based belief of some kind, I offer the following definitions:

1. the·ism
noun: theism
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures

2. a·the·ism
noun: atheism

disbelief or lack of belief in the existence of God or gods.Atheism Defined

The definition of atheism starts and ends here for me. I do not care if others belong to atheistic churches, are new or old atheists, seek to convert the religious to become non-religious, or actively hate theists. The definition starts and ends for me with the one above. I find the defensive, battle-ready stance of some theists when I say I’m a non-theist to be offensive, ignorant, bigoted, and above all else, really fucking annoying. What’s even more annoying is when Christians try to tell me who it is I am.  I recently was told that I can’t REALLY be an a-theist because one can’t know ABSOLUTELY that Jesus doesn’t exist, so at best all I, or any non-believer, can truly be is agnostic.  After reflecting on this being said to me, I’ve come up with this response: Fuck You! Fuck you, you defensive Christian pussy. No, really. Fuck you!

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me define who I am to the Christian idiots who think they know me better than I do myself.  Just because it is impossible to prove a thing does not exist, does not mean that it does, or that I think it does. I do not believe the following things exist because I see NO evidence that they do: Big Foot, UFO’s, Aliens who kidnap people, fondle them, then return them to their beds without leaving a single piece of evidence they were ever there, Ancient Aliens who built the pyramids, The Loch Ness Monster, Thor, Odin, Loki, Osiris, Isis, Jesus, Allah, Vampires, Ghosts, Spirits, etc, etc, etc.  Please note that I did not say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these things to exist. I simply see no reason AT ALL to believe they do. Christians are atheists when it comes to Ra, Zeus, and Isis. They’re not agnostic when it comes to them. They simply do not believe they exist. I’m a non-theist when it comes to all gods, even Jesus. And if you’ve forgotten already what that word means, see the above definitions again and the Sam Harris quote below. Keep reading them over and over until they sink into the muddled mass of feces you call a brain, and STOP thinking you are so omnipotent as to know me. You don’t. You DO NOT define me. I do.Sam Harris On Definition Of Atheism Lastly, the same Christians who’ve been so quick to define me are perhaps the most defensive fuckers about their own omnipotent “Faith” as I’ve ever seen people be. I do not believe what you do. I do not care that you believe it. I know it is central to your life, but it isn’t to mine. I’ve no interest in attacking you or converting you, yet this does not seem to matter. It’s as if my disbelief in your god somehow threatens you and your god. This behavior makes you and your god pussies in my eyes, and places a neon sign over your head that reads: “Idiot Seeking Argument Out Of Fear Of Being Wrong. Stay Clear.” I am not interested in debating with Christians, converting them, hating them, or treating them in any other way than I treat anyone else or expect myself to be treated. But know this, judge me, think you’ve some divine right to define and label me, and you’ve gained an enemy, someone who hates not only you, but your mother for having you and your father for fucking your mother and impregnating her with you. If I had total confidence in the fact that an almighty being was REALLY my creator, and I was going to Heaven when I died, I’d not be such a defensive pussy when someone simply told me they did not share my beliefs. That is the sign of a weasel, a spineless weasel who must make others wrong so that he can feel right about himself and his”Faith.” I did not come to the realization I was an atheist with hate in my heart for Christians who behave in such a way. But it is there now. They’ve earned it. Every single last bit of it.

After The Last Supper, Before The Last Temptation, There Were The Last Grievances Of Jesus Christ

This April, from director Quintin Tarantino and TACP, comes the story of Christ’s last night on Earth. It’s the tale of Jesus and his 12 Apostles as they seek to settle all scores, wrap up all unfinished business, and then party like it’s 1999 on the night before good ‘ol JC is tortured and killed. “We based the story loosely on ‘For A Few Dollars More’ and ‘Les Miserables,’ ” said Tarantino. “The studio insisted we make it a musical, and at first I was like,’Fuck that!’, but then the idea really grew on me. We have some moments where song and violence mix together so seamlessly, so beautifully, that you’ll swear you were viewing paradise with everyone in it spewing blood from a major artery.”

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

Jesus Ready To Kick Some Ass

The film opens with Jesus kicking in the door to a filthy brothel and shouting, “OK, mother fuckers! This is your last chance! Let Mary Magdalene out of her whore contract, or I’m bringing all of you grease bag sissies into Hell with me tomorrow.” Jesus then does a back flip over a table and starts singing the first number in the film, “One Night More.” Here are some of the lyrics. “One night more! One more night! One night more to catch a taxi, one night more to take a train, cause if I’m here tomorrow there’ll be tons of fuckin’ pain!”  It may seem a bit silly on the page, but when Ewan McGregor, who plays Jesus, sings it, little old ladies will faint, and grown men will weep like babes. Fuck! I’m crying now just thinking about it.

Don't Touch My Mouse!

Don’t Touch My Mouse!

A Mouse To Sing To

A Mouse To Sing To

Our next scene opens with Judas singing, “I gotta do this cause the money’s real good!” He sings it to a small mouse that’s sitting on his knee. The mouse will be CGI, of course, and kids are gonna DIE for it! It’s so cute. Judas then leaves while putting the mouse in his pocket. As we fade to a bar with several men seated inside drinking whiskey, smoking, and playing cards. These are John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. They’re talking about writing a book about their adventures with Jesus. We hear the following dialog.

Mark: No fucking way am I writing about this. Man, I’ve never even seen any “miracles”.  He tells me he did miraculous shit, and I just shake my head. That dude has a temper like I’ve never seen.

Luke: I know. He’s broken my nose more than once. And remember the day Peter told him he was gay! Holy fucking shit! Peter’s lucky to be alive. I hate writing too. Let’s just tell him we’ll write it and then don’t do it. He’s gonna be dead soon anyway, it ain’t like he’s REALLY coming back.

The 4 "Official" Gospel Writers

The 4 “Official” Gospel Writers

John: Hey! I’ve a great idea. We’ll hire some college kids to write it. We’ll tell ’em it’s for a creative writing project or something.

Matthew: Sounds great, now get me a beer, a babe, and a place to get cozy in, cause I need me some tail before tomorrow!

The final scene is one in which all 12 Apostles and Jesus, armed with rifles and side arms storm into a child sweat shop where children aged 4 to 7 have been forced to make clothes for the people of Bethlehem by a wild motor cycle gang high on drugs.

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Motorcycle Thugs High On Drugs

Jesus lifts his rifle, shoots at a guy on a motor cycle and sings, “Look out! Look out! You tiny, little kids! How long, Oh kids have you been lacking bibs?” Jesus then grabs a biker by the throat and tears his head off as blood shoots ten feet into the air. “Man, that felt great,” Jesus says, and opens the sweat shop door allowing all the little kids to exit the shop into the bright sunshine of a day about to be beautiful for all but Jesus. As we fade to black, Jesus looks right into camera, winks, and says, “Man, today is really gonna fuckin’ suck.”

Christian Football Fan Wants Michael Sam Drafted Into NFL

“As any red-blooded American can tell you,” said Conservative Christian and NFL fan, Thomas Holesobig, “if there’s anything Jesus loves more than hating faggots, it’s watching NFL football games! He fucking LOVES watching beefy, muscular sweaty men with their cocks bulging through their tight, white pants, tackle each other and jump on top of each other on wet, muddy grass. Nothing could be less gay and more Christ-like and manly than this!

Michael Sam

Michael Sam: He’s Gay, So Jesus Hates Him

So, this leads me to the topic of Michael Sam. He’s the Missouri football player who recently confessed he likes dick. I know that many decent, Conservative, Christ-loving faggot haters out there are probably thinking, ‘Pal, you just fucked your NFL career away with that confession. No NFL team will draft you now. You are a stain on the ass of Christ’s all-encompassing love for his people. You’re a gay faggot, and you’re evil. Jesus will burn you in Hell forever for this. You’ll never play football again.’ Well, I’m here to say that, if you are thinking this way, you are wrong. You see, Michael Sam is a damn good football player, in spite of his being a cock sucker and taking it up the whammy-hole. And I believe he should be drafted by an NFL team.

Jesus Loves Football As Much As He Loves Hating Fags

Jesus Loves Football As Much As He Loves Hating Faggots

I believe Jesus wants him out there helping a needy team win games. Of course, Jesus will still send him straight to Hell when he dies, for being gay. But, while he lives, and as long as he can produce on the field, there is no reason to think that Jesus won’t swallow his thick, hard, long-lasting hatred of gays long enough to let Michael Sam play a few seasons in the NFL. He’s good enough to help a team or two win the Super Bowl along the way, and Jesus LOVES the Super Bowl. JC’s really an awesome guy and he loves EVERYONE. I don’t know why more people don’t see that. Oh well, it’s their loss if they don’t, eh? I’m off to the bar now to get pissed, make fag jokes, and talk about how big, manly, and un-gay my Christian Conservative cock is.

It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

Lutheran Jesus

Lutheran Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.

Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.

Stories For Children With Robert The Reviewer

Robert the Reviewer’s first post for TACP was a huge success. Fans of the site from as far away as the fourth moon of the planet Yavin have been writing accolade-filled e-mails about how much they enjoyed reading Robert’s unique, tenderly worded review of “12 Years A Slave.” In order to quench our readers’ thirst for more of Robert’s words, we are proud to announce that, in addition to his media review column, he will have a second column featuring stories for children ages 3 and up which he promises to be both entertaining and educational for all.  So, without any more delay, we give you, Robert the Reviewer.

Robert The Reviewer

Robert The Reviewer

How ye doin’ me laddies ‘n lassies? Dis ‘ere ’tis Robert, da Reviewer ‘n da best damn teller ov yarns ye’ve e’re ‘eard.  I know none ov ye are like me own faggy, girly man ov a son. So’s da tale ’em about ta tell ye won’ scare ye none, though it be fill’d wit blood, horror, ‘n da livin’ dead, ken. It ain’t as ‘orrible a story, though, as da time me faggy son almost got hiself ea’n by a rabid Haggis on da moors of Edinburgh whilst we t’was huntin’ da fraggin’ gay beastie wit s’ords ‘n clubs ken. Dat’ll be a tale I tell’z ye anither time, wee ones. Fer now I want ta tell ye ov a Bible story ‘day ne’ tell ye ’bout in church: da story ov Matthew 27:52-53. ‘Tis a tale dat begins wit dat lordy-lad, Jez’is returnin’ from da dead. He did dat af’er bein’ dead fer 3 days, wee ones, as ye may ov been told. But what ye ain’t n’er been told is dis: Jez’is weren’t da only one ta rise from da tomb dat day. Just as Jez’is’ eyes opened in ‘is tomb, da grave stones ov dozens ‘o other saints ‘n prophets braked open, ‘n da zombie saints inside ’em went walkin’ in’ta Jerusalem ta spread da word dat the lordy-lad ‘ad come back from beyond da grave. Only, Jez’is, ‘e ‘ad nay a clue dat dis was ta happin’. So’s ‘e decided ta ignore da situation when ‘e realized ‘e wasn’t da only reanimated bein’ walkin’ ’bout dat ‘day. ‘E did nay wan’ ta ‘av ‘es moment stolen by sharin’ it wit more zombies. ‘E simply paid no heed ta them. No heed ’til ‘day started eatin’ da people ov Jerusalem, dat ’tis.

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

Resurrected Saints Eating The Living

The Saint zombies were expectin’ ta get sent back ta Heaven or ta der graves quickly, at least, by Jez’is when ‘day decided ta come back ta life ta show their support ov da lordy-lad. ‘Day weren’t planin’ on dat bastard, Jez’is, just ignorin’ ’em ‘n leavin’ ’em on Earth, alone, ta fend fer themselves. ‘Day got real ‘ungry real quick-like after a few days, ‘n ‘day started eatin’ da people ‘day come back ta life ta rejoice wit just a wee bit before.  Dis, of course, wasn’t what da lordy-lad wanted ta be happin’. It was stealin’ ‘is thunder ‘n ‘e weren’t havin’ it. So’s ‘e got hiself a big ‘ole fish bone, ‘n ‘e went out ‘n whacked da ‘eads off all them zombie saints in just a wee few hours.

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Jesus With Zombie Killing Fish Bone

Den ‘e went back ta bein’ a big shot solo zombie again. ‘E believed ‘e had wiped the incident out completely from da minds of men,’til Matthew’s Gospel came out, at least. Oh me, laddies ‘n lassies! Ye ain’t seen or heard angry unless ye seen da lordy-lad da fine day ‘e read da Gospel of Matthew. WOW! ‘E ain’t said a word ta ‘ole Matthew in da almost 2000 years since, me wee ones. ‘N I believe ‘e would’ve sent dat poor bugger, Matthew, right ta ‘ell if it weren’t for da fact every priest ‘n preacher ‘as ignored dat section of Matthew’s Gospel da way da lordy-lad ignored da zombie saints all doze years back. Hardly ’tis it e’er mentioned ken. Now ye all know Jez’is is a rat bastard ‘n a’ ego maniac. So’s ye all need ta stop givin’ a shite about ’em, ‘n just live yer lives as best ye all kin. Da end.

I hope ye all liked me story. I’ve got many a’more ‘en. I’d tell ye anither now, but I’ve got ta gits home ta beat me faggy, sissy-boy son fer bein’ such a damn fag ‘n a girly boy. Da damn queer bastard! ‘N after I beats ’em, I gots ta beats me wife fer havin’ dat faggy, sissy-man pansy in da first place. See ye all soon. Bye!

Lazarus, The World’s First Zombie, Talks

Hi, y’all. Lazarus here. You know, the guy Jesus brought back from the dead and then quickly abandoned, that Lazarus. I’m here cause I want to tell my story, a story I’ve been waiting to tell for over 2000 years.  It hasn’t been easy people. Really, it hasn’t. One minute there I was, deader than shit, then, BAM! I wake up smelling like the bowels of Hell itself from decay, and Jesus is standing there smiling with a big-ass crowd behind him. “Jesus,” I said, “is that you?” And he answers, “Of course, chowder head. Who else could’ve brought you back to life? Aren’t you happy I did this for you?”  “Hell, no!” I answered. “I smell like rot! I’ve been dead for days, you idiot! What the Hell were you thinking? I was in Heaven. Happy. Having a beer with some babe I just KNOW was really into me. And you drag my ass back down here. For what? To show off to the crowd that you’re god? You may be a god, Jesus, but you are a childish, brat of a god if you ask me. This SUCKS! Put me the way I was you ninny, or I’m telling your Pop you need a spanking when I go back to Heaven!” Well, needless to say, that wasn’t exactly the brightest thing to say at the moment, cause Jesus did not return me to Heaven, he just flipped me off and left with his big-ass audience right behind him. I haven’t heard from him since.

Jesus! Don't Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

Jesus! Don’t Just Leave Me Here Like This, Shouts Lazarus

So, there I was, reanimated, smelling of decay, and wrapped in bandages, all alone in front of my own grave. I knew that no one in their right mind would believe me if I said I’d just been brought back from the dead by Jesus, so I pretended to be a leper and hobbled on over to the nearest leper colony called, “Grounded Parts, Etc”, and lived there, as a tailor specializing in stitching fallen body parts back on to folks seamlessly, for about two centuries. I had already been dead, so I didn’t have to fear becoming infected with leprosy or dying. In time, the stench of the grave left me, and my looks returned to normal. I greatly desired to tell my story, especially as I saw a whole religion starting to develop around Jesus, who people were saying was this all-loving awesome dude. Fuck that. I knew for a fact he wasn’t that awesome at all of a dude. He fucked me, his pal, big time. I wouldn’t trust that bastard under any circumstance, let alone with the salvation of my soul. He didn’t save mine, he fucked it over and left me here on Earth with no way back to Heaven. But I was still in a powerless position, because I knew no one would believe my story. I left the leper colony, and moved to Rome with the money I’d saved up over the centuries. I bought some land and a few slaves (Yes, slaves. It was legal then, and I was nice to them. Nicer than Jesus was to me).  Even after Rome fell, I was able to keep my land and I grew very, very rich over the years.

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I Wonder Where Jesus Is Off To?

I’ve lived through the rise and fall of Empires. I’ve seen man go from riding horses to flying in airplanes, and I’ve witnessed the rise and now decline of religions built on the falsehood that Jesus was a savior of some sort, that he was tortured and killed for our sins, and that he resurrected himself from the dead after lying in a grave for three days. This is all a lie. I know. I was there. Left, by Jesus, to bear witness to it all. Jesus got fed up with people here on Earth after Judas attempted to betray him. He saw that Judas was crucified for what he did, and then returned to Heaven without ever saying goodbye to anyone, even his apostles. It was Paul, St. Paul to many, who created Christianity, not Jesus. He was the L. Ron Hubbard of his day and created a religion just because he knew he could do it. Only now do I feel there may be some people who’ll believe my story and see the folly of believing in wild extraordinary stories about saviors and all-loving beings without evidence. If something sounds wildly fantastic and impossible, it more than likely is. I don’t get why this is so hard a concept to grasp. But, I’ve said my piece, and I’m off now to tend to my property in Europe. I’m not going to leave this planet anytime soon. Jesus made sure of that. Remember that, and me, Lazarus, the next time you think fondly of Jesus. That stinking rat bastard.