Things Jesus Said On The Cross

OUCH!

1.) F$$k, this hurts!

2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes.  ANTS!  Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.

3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!

4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.

5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose.  Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.

6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine?  F$$k you!  Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!

7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump?  You all just f$$ked yourselves.

8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.

9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all.  So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross.  I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

10.) Patricide.  It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman

 

aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

A Few Things Trump Has Recently Acquired

1.)

Paul Ryan's Spine

Paul Ryan’s Spine

 

2.)

Kellyanne Conway's Soul

Kellyanne Conway’s Soul

 

3.)

Sean Spicer's Underwear

Sean Spicer’s Underwear

 

4.)

A Glass Of Vladimir Putin's Semen

Glass Of Vladimir Putin’s Semen

 

5.)

Chris Christie's Balls

Chris Christie’s Balls

Equivalency

equal-sign

It’s all equal

Right?

Everything

Evolution

Creationism

Jesus

Allah

Yahweh

Odin

Progressives

Conservatives

Climate change is real

Climate change is a liberal lie

Women are equal to men

Women are less than men

The poor are lazy fucks

The poor are suffering humans

Native Americans are whining losers

Native Americans have been subjected to genocide

The disabled are lying bastards

The disabled need help, empathy, and compassion

Education is overrated

Education should be valued, admired, and sought after

Lying bigly to get what you want, no matter what, is great

Lying to get what you want, no matter what, is bad

Hate-filled racism is justified

Hate-filled racism is not justified

It’s all

Equal in the eyes of

America

Right?

It’s all as it should be

Right?

It’s all equal

Right?

Right?

Right?

RIGHT?!!!!

 

 

 

 

Trump Puts Pence In Charge Of Women’s Reproductive Organs

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It's My Job.

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It’s My Job.

Man Town, Ohio.  President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America.  “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier.  “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action.  As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could.  What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally?  I say none.  Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive.  I’ve not yet made up my mind on it).   Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning.  It’s both torture AND an execution method).   America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs.  So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”

MRI Reveals Inner Workings Of Trump’s Skull

The following MRI of the inside of Trump’s skull is 100% real and comes to us via secret spies working inside the Trump Administration.   Enjoy.

I'm the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It's fake news not to love me! Putin's my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I'm great! You're not! Fuck you! I'm bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)

I’m the best! Grab that pussy! Close those borders! Biggest crowd ever! Obama sucks! It’s fake news not to love me! Putin’s my master! I like pee! I hate EVERYTHING about America! Poor people are lazy! Rich people are great! I’m great! You’re not! Fuck you! I’m bigly, no one else is! Fuck you! (Repeat)