Toyland, North Pole. President Trump today announced a new plan for his Mexican border wall. “It’s a YUGE idea,” Trump said earlier. “We’re gonna build the wall out of Legos and save a bigly amount of money by doing so. Everyone loves Legos, even Mexicans and their President, Hombre Gracias what’s his face. And since President Hombre and his drug cartel, rapist citizens love Legos, they’ll have no problem with paying for the wall and building it themselves. Thus, we God-loving Americans will not have to spend a dime or shed a single drop of sweat in constructing this great, impenetrable wall that will keep America free of Mexicans for a YUGE amount of time. See, I really, really am like a smart person, am I not? Welp, time to spend 11 million dollars of the taxpayer’s money so I can take the weekend off and golf. See you all on Monday afternoon.”
1.) What did the necrophiliac like most about her boyfriend? He was always stiff.
2.) What was the most popular HBO show among necrophiliacs? Deadwood.
3.) What book do necrophiliacs read on long plane trips? Stephen King’s, The Dead Zone.
4.) The smell of —– is an aphrodisiac for necrophiliacs? Formaldehyde.
5.) Where did the necrophiliac take his bride on their honeymoon? The Dead Sea.
6.) Why are necrophiliacs angry at Jesus? Because he was only dead for 3 days.
7.) Name an important quality all necrophiliacs look for in a mate. Rigamortis.
8.) What brand of deodorant did the necrophiliac give his girlfriend on their first date? Lysol
1.) F$$k, this hurts!
2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes. ANTS! Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.
3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!
4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.
5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose. Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.
6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine? F$$k you! Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!
7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump? You all just f$$ked yourselves.
8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.
9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all. So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross. I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
10.) Patricide. It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.
Hi peeps. Aquaman here. I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea. I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?” Well, let me tell you. I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat. I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year. Here’s how it works. I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard. Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell. Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat. She absolutely loves ’em! Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans. Have a great V-Day, y’all.
It’s all equal
Climate change is real
Climate change is a liberal lie
Women are equal to men
Women are less than men
The poor are lazy fucks
The poor are suffering humans
Native Americans are whining losers
Native Americans have been subjected to genocide
The disabled are lying bastards
The disabled need help, empathy, and compassion
Education is overrated
Education should be valued, admired, and sought after
Lying bigly to get what you want, no matter what, is great
Lying to get what you want, no matter what, is bad
Hate-filled racism is justified
Hate-filled racism is not justified
Equal in the eyes of
It’s all as it should be
It’s all equal
Man Town, Ohio. President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America. “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier. “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action. As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could. What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally? I say none. Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive. I’ve not yet made up my mind on it). Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning. It’s both torture AND an execution method). America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs. So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”