Monthly Archives: April 2014

04.29.14
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Dear Christians, It Is Not Your God I Hate, It’s You

I came across this cognitively impaired article yesterday which addresses an issue some Christians seem to think non-believing bastards like me have with their god and/or the Biblical figure of Jesus. They claim we hate them: http://creation.com/atheist-god-hate.

Not Your Made Up God

Not Your Made Up God

Apparently, the omnipotent, all-knowing Christian who wrote this article knows every atheist personally, and he knows with absolute certainty that every single one of them, including me, hates the specific god he believes in. This hatred is evident because, in this idiot’s damaged mind, disbelief in his god equates with hatred of his god. Interesting. I don’t believe in Allah, Thor, Zeus, Osiris, or Athena either. Does that mean I hate them too? No. No, you asshole, it does not mean anything of the sort. I do not hate your god, you fuck head. I do not believe in gods, yours include. Thus, you have no god for me to hate. Also, I do not hate Jesus. I like him, actually. However, I see absolutely nothing of Jesus in you, nor in any Christian I’ve ever known.

Gandhi Said It Too, Asshole

Gandhi Said It Too, Asshole

There is nothing of Jesus in Christianity. Nothing whatsoever. So, let me be frank, you fucking asshole, it is not some non-existent god of yours I hate. It’s you. I hate you, you fucking dog-ass licker. Just you. I hate you because you’ve gone out of your way to insult my intelligence and my integrity with your article about non-believers. I’m taking your generalizations very personally, ass-face. And, now, I’m crudely insulting you, you fucking tampon, because, unlike you, I admit I’m a petty person.

So Now I'm Gonna Show You

So Now I’m Gonna Show You

And I take great satisfaction from saying petty, mean things to insulting pieces of Christian shit like you. You went out of your way to insult me with your generalizations about non-believers in your article. You’ve never even met me, you fucking cock sucker. You’re spineless, and I direct all of my hate right at you and only you. You are a meaningless, pointless, waste of life. The next time you write insulting, derogatory lies about non-believers, I’m going to find out who and where you are and come after you. And when I find you, I’m going to beat you so hard and for so long that you’ll promise me you’ll suck my cock just to make me stop. And I will stop. I’ll stop, and I’ll make you suck me off until I cum down your lying throat, you miserable fucking asshole. Now, go spank yourself with a long, braided belt. You’ve been a very nasty fucking bitch today. How do you feel now, shit ball? Hated? Good. Cause you are.

04.27.14
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Five People Who Should Be Made Saints

In the Vatican Sunday, Pope Francis announced the canonization of two new Saints, Pope St. John Paul II and Pope St. John XXIII. What a bloody yawn fest! I mean, really, is anyone surprised by this? No? I didn’t think so. Typical Catholic BS, canonizing two of their own into sainthood while ignoring all the other, non-traditional, less Catholic, candidates out there who’d make terrific saints given the chance. I’ve put together a list of five unique people I feel Pope Francis simply must consider for sainthood. Most, if not all, have displayed some sort of miraculous power at one time or another, too, which should make the Pope’s decision to canonize them a no brainer. Here they are.

1.) Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan fought alongside Princess Leia’s father, Bail Organa, during the Clone Wars and started Luke Skywalker on his path to becoming a powerful Jedi Knight. He can do cool Jesus-like shit through his mastery of the Force, and would be an awesome Saint to help God in his fight against the Devil.

St. Obi-Wan Kenobi Of The Jedi

St. Obi-Wan Kenobi Of The Jedi

2.) Arthur (The Fonz) Fonzarelli: What else is there to say about the Fonz except that he is the King of Cool! His ability to calm rambunctious teenagers who are hopped up on hormones and narcotics with just a raise of his thumbs and an utterance of his patented, “Cool It!” makes him the perfect choice to become a Saint so cool even atheists will love him.

St. Arthur Of The Order Fonzarelli

St. Arthur Of The Order Fonzarelli

3.) Gandalf: Not to award Gandalf with the title of Saint after all he’s done to help both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins in their battles to keep Middle Earth free of evil would be akin to reforging the One Ring and turning every Hobbit in the Shire into a flesh-eating ghoul with it. As well, Gandalf’s magic would be most helpful in finding and killing the demons of Hell that hide under our beds at night, should he become canonized.St. Gandalf The White

4.) Christopher Hitchens: If Hitch were canonized, it would piss off both the atheists, who insist there’s no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in, and the Christians, whom Hitchens outraged by telling them there was no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in. I get a huge grin just thinking about the irony of it. Also, if God does exist, a canonized Hitch would be great company for him. Both of ’em are argumentative know-it-alls and could keep each other occupied for weeks fighting over benign, meaningless shit that no one cares about but them.

St. Hitchens The Non-Believer: "You're Kidding, Right?"

St. Hitchens The Non-Believer: “You’re Kidding, Right?”

5.) Thor: I love Thor. He’d be a kick-ass Saint and would strike fear into the hearts of Satan and his hideously evil minions by blasting them with lightning from his hammer Mjolnir. Plus, Thor’s already a God, so making him a Saint, too, should not be a problem for the Pope.

St. Thor Of Asgard

St. Thor Of Asgard

04.26.14
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Ignorant By Choice And Proud Of It

The pictures below are of people who wear ignorance, stupidity, and hubris on their chests as if they were badges of honor bestowed upon them by all the leaders of the world at one time. These people need to stop breeding before they and their like cause the destruction of our species. (How’s that for a blanketed, biased, heavily one-sided statement, eh?)

Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are

Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are

 

 

I'm Protesting Though I Don't Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism

I’m Protesting Though I Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism

 

I'm A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?

I’m A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?

 

 

Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot

Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot

 

Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.

Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.

 

Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment

Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment

 

04.26.14
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Sexy Pics Of Famous People From The Bible

Robert Mapplethorpe, the erotica photographer who gained fame in the ’80’s with his photos depicting the gay BDSM lifestyle, stopped by my office today with some sexy pics of people from the Bible he’s taken since his arrival in Heaven. He heard Moses had shared some of his personal photographs with my readers, and, after first getting permission from his models, he decided he’d like to share some of his. And here they are. Hope you enjoy them.

Judas Iscariot: "Oops! The Button's Come Off My Pants. Whatever Shall I Do?"

Judas Iscariot: “Oops! The Button’s Come Off My Pants. Whatever Shall I Do?”

 

Sarah & Hagar: Hello Boys. We Were Out Hunting For Something Really, Really Big And All Our Clothes Fell Off

Sarah & Hagar: “Hello Boys. We Were Out Hunting For Something Really, Really Big When All Our Clothes Fell Off”

 

Apostle Mark: Does My Ass Look Fat In This Outfit?

Apostle Mark: “Does My Ass Look Fat In This Outfit?”

 

Jacob: Listen Up Bitches! I'm 4000 Years Old; I'll Dress As I Damn Well Please

Jacob: “Listen Up Bitches! I’m 4000 Years Old; I’ll Dress As I Damn Well Please”

 

Matthew & Luke: Meow! We're Two Little Frisky Kittens. Rub Our Bellies And We'll Purr For You

Matthew & Luke: “Meow! We’re Two Little Frisky Kittens. Rub Our Bellies And We’ll Purr For You”

 

Mary Magdalene: Jesus, I Hear You've Been A Naughty, Naughty Boy

Mary Magdalene: “Jesus, I Hear You’ve Been A Naughty, Naughty Boy”

 

God: I Fail To See How Any Of This Is Appropriate Much Less Funny

God: “I Fail To See How Any Of This Is Appropriate Much Less Funny”

04.25.14
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Jodie Foster Marries Girlfriend, Christian Bigots Silent

Jodie Foster married her girlfriend, photographer Alexandra Hedison, last weekend and the bigoted world of Christendom has remained silent about it. Knowing full well of the hatred, fear and disdain many Christians have toward homosexuals, and gay marriage in particular, I was curious as to why this was. So I contacted Reverend Tom Diddelsman, a spokesman for the Texas-based anti-gay organization, “Christians United In Love To Hate Fags,” to ask him why this was. Here’s what he said.

Newly Weds Jodie Foster And Alexandra Hedison

Newly Weds Jodie Foster And Alexandra Hedison

“In case you haven’t noticed, you pontificating know it all, Jodie Foster isn’t a faggot. Hell, man, she ain’t even a dyke! Look at ‘er! She’s pretty. And so’s the gal she’s taking turns munching carpets with. That ain’t gross. That’s hot! You gotta be some kind of a penis hungry faggot not to see how hot it is. That kinda thing we need more of. God didn’t smash Sodom to rubble and kill every man, woman, and child in it cause hot babes were sixty-ninin’! He did it cause groups of faggot men were gang rapin’ male visitors to the city. Hell, they even tried rapin’ the damn angels God sent to destroy it! Friggin’ faggots! Make me sick.

Good Kiss

Good Kiss

Only thing that we Christians hate almost, and I emphasize ALMOST, as much as faggots are bull dykes. You know, carpet munchin’ ladies who look more like men than women. Them we hate. But pretty, feminine lookin’ women who carpet munch? No sir, them we definitely do not hate. It’s all logical once you see what Jesus wants. He wants what makes the cocks of heterosexual Christian males tingle with lust to be accepted and what doesn’t to be despised. It’s only marriages between two faggots that we’re against cause, shit, it’s gross imagining two buff, sweaty, naked, hunks pounding their long, thick erect penises in and out of each others gaping man holes in a loving, wedded relationship

Bad Kiss

Bad Kiss

Who could think such a scenario is acceptable? But marriage between two smokin’ hot babes who live for no other purpose than to make each other writhe in orgasm via long, slow, wet cunnilingus, is completely acceptable and, in many cases, quite desirable. Hope this has been helpful, and be sure to let me know if you need clarification on anything else that Jesus wants. Have a great day basking in Christ’s love. A love which he shines equally on all God’s people. Amen.”

04.24.14
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More Photos Of Famous People From The Bible

Moses came by again today with a few more pictures he found in his underwear drawer of famous people from the Bible. He said he put them there ages ago, and forgot about them. He wanted to share them once again and said there’s more were these came from. Enjoy.

Moses Wakes After An All Niter In Taiwan To Find His Shirt Missing And His Entire Upper Torso Covered In Tattoos, circa 1999

Moses Wakes After An All Niter In Taiwan To Find His Shirt Missing And His Entire Upper Torso Covered In Tattoos, circa 1999

 

Photo From Methuselah's New York Drivers License Which Was Revoked For Receiving 62 Many Moving Violations In 13 Months, circa, 1994

Photo From Methuselah’s New York Drivers License Which Was Revoked After He Received 62 Moving Violations In 13 Months

 

Abraham In A Mexican Toilet Stall With Jesus, Who'd Eaten 2 Bowls Of Beans Two Hours Prior, In The Stall To His Right, circa 1987

Abraham In A Mexican Toilet Stall With Jesus, Who’d Eaten 2 Bowls Of Beans An Hour Prior, In The Stall Directly To His Right, circa 1987

 

Mary Gives Joseph The Cuckold Sign After Her Date With God's Angel

Mary Gives Joseph The Cuckold Sign After Her Date With God’s Angel, circa 9 months B.C.

 

Peter Gets A Call From Jesus On His Cell

Peter Gets A Call From Jesus On His Cell, circa 2012

 

04.23.14
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Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

Even If You Have To Make It Up

Even If You Have To Make It Up

How long would it take you to come up with an explanation as to why an apple is actually an orange? It doesn’t have to be a logical or believable explanation, just one that makes an apple an orange. It can be a magical explanation, a science fiction type of explanation, or a “mysterious” type of explanation. Doesn’t matter.

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

What matters is that you present it as absolute, undeniable fact with an extremely condescending tone toward anyone who suggests you just blew it straight out your ass. This is the type of thing you get to do every day as an Apologist for the religion of your choice. Christians and Muslims have lots of these guys. Some like doing it so much, they do it for free. This is how Noah was able to, literally, put two of each kind of animal on the Ark. An Apologist for Creationism made up a way he could have done it, and presented it as dogma to people who really, really wanted to believe it, and bravo! The Ark story, literally, happened, and now, anyone who questions the idiotic reasoning behind this belief is called a bigot who’s persecuting Creationists. Most people don’t want to be considered a bigot, so they stop asking questions. See how it works? Another benefit to being an Apologist is the enormous amount of deference and respect you’ll receive, even from those who know you’re completely full of shit. Most Americans love Faith so much, they’d rather ostracize those who question it than listen to the questions they ask. Thus, they don’t ask.

I'm An Apologist Cause I Can't Sing Or Dance

I’m An Apologist Cause I Can’t Sing Or Dance

Just mention that you’re a person of strong belief, and people you’ve never even met will ring you to see if you need help wiping your ass. Deference and respect await you as an Apologist, though you’ve not done a fucking thing to earn them. And, if you get to be a good “emergency” Apologist, one who can create enough black smoke to cover up damning questions from, say, a learned cosmologist during a debate, you may even get to be in a YouTube video that goes viral. It’s awesome when that happens because no matter how fucking ridiculous you sound, half the people who watch the video will say you kicked the cosmologist’s ass with your witty answers. So, if any of this sounds like it’s up your bullshit filled alley, give Apologetics a try. The world could always use more equivocated bullshit to believe is undeniably and infallibly true.