Handsy Town, South Carolina. A woman today, by the name of Beverly Titenheimer, said Hillary Clinton groped her email during a rally held here last month. “I had my laptop out and was emailing a friend of mine,” Ms. Titenheimer said earlier, “when Secretary Clinton came down from the stage and grabbed it from me. Her breath reeked of mint Tic Tacs and her hands were cold and clammy. She groped, fingered, prodded and rubbed my email account until tears welled up in my eyes. She then promptly said to me, ‘I can grope people’s email whenever I want and there’s nothing they can do about it because I’m famous.’ After that, she returned my laptop to me, walked back onto the stage, and gave a rousing speech about the cancer risks of using too much rub-on tanning solution. This event has shattered my world, ended my life-long love of mint Tic Tacs, and taken away the wholesome purity of my virginal email. May God have mercy on that woman’s soul for what she’s done to me.”
As many of the 700 million followers of this blog know, I’m able to see the future. Therefor, I’ve decided to share with my readers a few spoilers of what’s soon to come.
1.) Aquaman will drown because his ability to breath underwater will vanish on March 13th, 2018 while he’s collecting seashells in the deep Atlantic.
2.) Bernie Sanders will convert to Catholicism and be named Pope on June 3rd, 2017.
3.) Thomas Jefferson will return from the dead and tell Congress to go fuck itself for screwing up the Federal Government as badly as it has on January 19th, 2019.
4.) Aliens from the Andromeda galaxy will arrive on Earth on December 2nd, 2020 to disassemble the pyramids in Egypt and to try pizza for the first time.
5.) Citizens of Italy will wake up on July 22nd, 2019 speaking French instead of Italian. Also, they will no longer remember how to make a decent lasagna.
6.) Evangelical Christians will stop worrying about gay people and gay marriage and instead focus only on bettering themselves and solving their own, personal issues on…..Naw, I’m just fuckin’ with y’all. We all know this will NEVER happen.
7.) Santa Claus will shave his beard and reveal himself to be Brad Pitt on Christmas Eve, 2021.
8.) And, lastly, for now, on April 23rd, 2017, Mickey and Minnie Mouse will announce they’ve just gotten married and are expecting a litter of nine to be born by the end of the month.
Palm-To-Pussy Village, Ohio. Elmer Fudd, of Warner Bros. cartoon fame, said today that he and Donald Trump have been falsely accused of grabbing women by the pussy without their consent simply because they’re stars. ” It’s totawy rididwoulous,” Mr. Fudd said earlier today. “I would nevewer gwag a wady by her pussy if she didn’t want me to. And Mr. Twump wouldn’t eithewer. Hillawy Cwinton and her evil followers are da ones saying dis. Donald Twump is awesome ‘n he wuvs Aemrwica! I will shoot to death anyone who disagwees wit dis. So sayeth me, Elmew Fudd, Bugs Bunny’s # one nemesis. Scwuw wiberals! An’ scwuw doze who hate Donwald Twrump!” We at The Arm Chair Pontificator would like to thank Mr. Fudd for offering an opinion that reflects the belief of 98% of Americans. Donald Trump is America’s man, and Donald Trump will be America’s leader as of 11/09/16. God bless America, and God bless Donald Trump. $Amen$
Chicago, Illinois. A group of savage, beast-like, Danish aborigines was spotted today terrorizing people in Downtown Chicago. “They were hideous,” said eyewitness William Handsonbutt. “I saw them as I was crossing the street near the Water Tower Place, and, when I made eye contact with them, they let out a wild yelp before making frightening gestures at me with their fingers. Their faces were covered in some sort of war paint and, by the horrid sound of their cries, I knew they were out for American blood. Luckily I was a sprinter for my high school sprinting team and, thus, was able to quickly run away before they could tear me limb from limb. I beseech anyone else who sees them to notify the authorities immediately and to stay as far away from these twisted, subhuman creatures as possible. Danish aborigines on the streets of Chicago. What’s next, Swedish aborigines in New York?”
New York, New York. Green Party Presidential nominee, Jill Stein said today that the 2016 Presidential election is rigged. “Damn straight it is,” Dr. Stein said earlier. “Look, either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will win this election. Special interest groups, large corporations, and the static two-party American political system make it impossible for anyone BUT a Republican or a Democrat to win. That’s as rigged as it gets, and it sucks. So, here’s what’s gonna happen. If I lose on November 8th, I will not accept the result. I, and my dozens of followers, will stage a violent uprising that will make the French Revolution seem like a schoolyard brawl by comparison. We will seize control of the U.S. Government and have both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton drawn and quartered on the front lawn of the White House. It’s time for the people to take back America. Revolution was good enough for George Washington, and, god dammit, it’s good enough for me. Vote Stein on November 8th. Or else.”
My good pal, John Zande, whose blog The Superstitious Naked Ape is a must read for all sensible humans, once mentioned to me, “Conservatives are awful at humor but great at conspiracies.” Nowhere is this more apparent than in the Alex Jones video below. Jones is an Alt-Right conspiracy lunatic who is the craziest son of bitch I’ve ever seen. I laughed so hard watching this video I didn’t pee a little, I peed a lot. It isn’t meant to be funny, but, goddamnit, it is. Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8TyLGoiUwg
Just in time for Halloween, the Alt-Right movement has revealed some wonderful costumes that can be purchased at whiteismyfavoritecolor.com for just 56.77 each. Help make the white race proud again. Buy an Alt-Right costume this Halloween. The proceeds of every purchase go to the David Duke School For Gifted White Kids located in sunny Palm Springs, California.