Snore Town, Maine. Hello. My name is Nancy Night Knight, and I’m a neurotic narcoleptic…..zzzzz…….Oh, excuse me. Did I nod off? Sorry, I do that some…zzzzzz….Damn it! I did it again, didn’t I? It makes me a self-conscious nervous wreck when I……zzzzzz….SHIT!!! I hate this! I just know it’s all my fault and I’m……zzzzzz……Oh, how awful of me. I’m SO sorry. I’m just worried that one day I’ll fall asleep like that and……zzzzzzz……What? What was I saying? Oh, never mind. Say, is that coffee you’re drinking? Can I have……zzzzzzz….You know, this is rather……zzzzzz……YAWN! Oh. Good morning. I must have over slept. I worry that one day I’ll over sleep and then……zzzzzz….OOPS! Sorry. I gotta run. There’s a lot more I had to say, but I’ve got to drive over to my granddaughter’s grade school and pick her up from…….zzzzzz…….
Smellville, South Dakota. Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season? Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year? Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart Ball. The Atheist Fart Ball is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them. Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell. Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season. So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out. You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.
(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)
Lily-White City, California. True christian, Phil Urassup, said today that there is nothing more damaging to the true message of Christianity than Catholicism. “Let’s face it, people,” Mr. Urassup said earlier, “there isn’t anything even REMOTELY Christian about the Catholics. Where, for example, does it say in the Bible that to be saved by Jesus, you must first follow, and worship, the Pope? Where? Nowhere, that’s where. Also, Catholics are a silly, superstitious lot who pray to relics, wear crazy voodoo charms, like scapular medals, and kiss the rings of their clergy as a sign of respect. DISGUSTING, if you ask me. Thus, as a True Christian, I must say, Catholicism is, undeniably, a pathway to Hell, and not a pathway to Heaven. If you’re a Catholic, repent, and pray to Jesus to forgive you for professing such a vile, disgusting lie of a faith. If you can’t do that, at least profess your hatred of gays. It is well-known, by True Christians, that Jesus hates gays SO much, he just might forgive someone for being Catholic if their hatred of them is equal to, or greater than, his. May the all-encompassing love of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you in your attempts to earn God’s love and avoid the fires of Hell by being a True Christian. For now and forever, Amen.”
I am a man of
A man of
My head is held
When I walk
When I speak
And when I pray
Is with me
All around me
Tells me of my
Special place in
I need know
Nothing else but
Wants of me
Has set me
Has lifted me
Into the sky
So that I can carry out
Me from this
My actions as a
Silent Town, Oregon. An old mime friend of mine, Meme D. Mime, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office yesterday to return a pen he borrowed from me in the 90’s. In order to prevent me from kicking his ass for taking so long to return it, Meme agreed to be interviewed for the site. The interview, completely unaltered from when I first made it up, follows below.
ACP: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Meme. Though, I gotta tell ya, I’m still tempted to kick your ass for taking so long to return my pen. Just not cool dude. Pens aren’t easy to come by. What do you have to say for yourself?
ACP: Oh, don’t be a pussy, Meme. I’m just fuckin’ with you. Ya gotta lighten up a bit. You’ll give yourself a heart attack.
ACP: What? You want a hug? OK. Just this once, but don’t tell anyone. I’ve a reputation to uphold.
ACP: OK. You’re welcome. Now, let’s get back to the questions. Since I haven’t seen you in a few years, I was wondering, what have you been doing with yourself to make a living?
ACP: Really? You’ve been touring with the musical Cats playing Rum Tum Tugger? I had no idea you could sing. You’ve got to get me tickets next time you’re in town with the show. It’ll make up for the pen you took 20 years to return to me.
ACP: What do you mean you’ve got to think about that? You’re an a-hole, pal. You know that?
ACP: Oh, so you were just fuckin’ with me this time, eh? OK. You got me. You can have one more hug, but then ya probably should go. It’s gettin’ so sugary sweet in here I’m gettin’ a tooth ache.
ACP: You’re outta here, eh? OK, Meme. Good seeing you. Stop by again soon, and remember, get me tickets to Cats when you’re in town with the show. Bye now.
Cave City, Kentucky. Interesting news today comes to us from Anthropology Professor, Buddy Uptome of the University of Chicago. “I was walking in a wooded area of Kentucky, not far from a town filled with your average Homo Sapiens, when I came across a building called, The Creationist Museum,” Professor Uptome said earlier.
“I went inside, out of curiosity, and found the place to be crawling with Young Earth Creationists, a species of hominid known as Homo Stupidous Ignoramous, long thought to be extinct. This particular species of hominid has the same brain capacity and usage of its frontal lobes as regular Homo Sapiens. However, members of this species exhibit a narcissistic, willful, ignorance when it comes to science and learning about the world around them. Instead, this species of hominid deliberately chooses to believe the words of the Bible, a bronze age book which glorifies a homicidal, maniac of a god, are literally and undeniably true. Members of this species can usually be identified by their arrogant and self-righteous attitude when speaking of the Bible, and their Abraham Lincoln-like beards. (See photo below)
It is my recommendation, as an anthropologist and an average Homo Sapien, that you stay out of the woods of Kentucky and avoid Homo Stupidous Ignoramous at all costs. Its members are not only insulting to the intellect, they’re highly offensive in their deliberate attempts to convert you to their dangerously naive way of thinking. Also, they smell bad. These are things all normal, intelligent humans are better off without.”
Neanderthal Town, Washington. In news today that’s sure to wet the palates of Christian bigots everywhere, Grace Church Seattle has announced that it has opened it’s very own bakery. The bakery specializes in making cakes with a dancing version of Katy Faust’s butt frosted onto them.
Grace Church Seattle opened this bakery to help counter the horrifying attacks bakers the world over face every day from crazed gay people insisting they make cakes for them adorned with statues and the names of same-sex couples. What better way to fight back against these cruel, mindless, barbaric, homosexuals than by ordering a Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake from the Grace Church Seattle bakery? The proceeds from the sales of these cakes will be sent to the families of terrorized bakers across the globe to help them heal from the trauma gays have inflicted on them over the years by ordering same-sex couple cakes. Each Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake costs $55.98, including postage and handling. Order right now and receive a free box of Jesus Hates Fags cupcakes absolutely free, while supplies last. So, buy a cake. It’s what Jesus wants you to do.