Monthly Archives: August 2015

08.31.15
by

A Few Words From A Neurotic Narcoleptic

Nancy Night Night, The Neurotic Narcoleptic

Nancy Night Knight,  A Neurotic Narcoleptic

Snore Town,  Maine.     Hello.  My name is Nancy Night Knight, and I’m a neurotic narcoleptic…..zzzzz…….Oh, excuse me.  Did I nod off?  Sorry, I do that some…zzzzzz….Damn it!  I did it again, didn’t I?  It makes me a self-conscious nervous wreck when I……zzzzzz….SHIT!!!  I hate this!  I just know it’s all my fault and I’m……zzzzzz……Oh, how awful of me.   I’m SO sorry.  I’m just worried that one day I’ll fall asleep like that and……zzzzzzz……What?  What was I saying?  Oh, never mind.   Say, is that coffee you’re drinking?  Can I have……zzzzzzz….You know, this is rather……zzzzzz……YAWN!  Oh.  Good morning.  I must have over slept.  I worry that one day I’ll over sleep and then……zzzzzz….OOPS!  Sorry.  I gotta run.  There’s a lot more I had to say, but I’ve got to drive over to my granddaughter’s grade school and pick her up from…….zzzzzz…….

08.30.15
by

Be Prepared For The War On Christmas This Year With The Atheist Fart Ball

The Atheist Fart Ball. Toss One Of These Into An Office Christmas Party Or Christmas Mass, And Watch The Christians Flee The Scene To Avoid The Stench.

The Atheist Fart Ball:  Guaranteed To Fuck Up Christmas For Christians Every Time It’s Used

 

Smellville, South Dakota.   Are you an atheist who fights against Christians and Christmas every holiday season?  Are you looking for a new, fun way to ruin Christmas for pesky, persecuted Christians this year?  Well then, we’ve got just the thing for you: The Atheist Fart Ball.  The Atheist Fart Ball  is an oblong, nasty-looking ball of compressed methane gas that, once exposed to Christians at Christmas time, safely releases its stinky gas into the air around them.  Toss one into a restaurant during a big Christmas office party and watch in hilarity as Christians flee the scene to escape the smell.  Toss one into a church during Christmas Eve mass, and enjoy even more hilarity as Christians trip over one another trying to get outside for fresh air. The Atheist Fart Ball  is a fun way for every member of the atheist household to enjoy “warring” on Christmas, and Christians, this holiday season.  So, stock up on Atheist Fart Balls now, at $17.99 each, before they’re all sold out.  You don’t want to be without a few of these babies come Christmas time.

(Manufacturers note: The Atheist Fart Ball  will not work on, nor was it designed to work on, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Agnostics, Buddhists, or Wiccans.)

08.28.15
by

Catholics Aren’t True Christians, Says True Christian

Does NOT Included Catholicism

Does NOT Included Catholicism

Lily-White City, California.   True christian, Phil Urassup, said today that there is nothing more damaging to the true message of Christianity than Catholicism.  “Let’s face it, people,”  Mr. Urassup said earlier,  “there isn’t anything even REMOTELY Christian about the Catholics.  Where, for example, does it say in the Bible that to be saved by Jesus, you must first follow, and worship, the Pope?  Where?  Nowhere, that’s where.  Also, Catholics are a silly, superstitious lot who pray to relics, wear crazy voodoo charms, like scapular medals, and kiss the rings of their clergy as a sign of respect.  DISGUSTING, if you ask me.  Thus, as a True Christian, I must say, Catholicism is, undeniably, a pathway to Hell, and not a pathway to Heaven.  If you’re a Catholic, repent, and pray to Jesus to forgive you for professing such a vile, disgusting lie of a faith.  If you can’t do that, at least profess your hatred of gays.  It is well-known, by True Christians, that Jesus hates gays SO much, he just might forgive someone for being Catholic if their hatred of them is equal to, or greater than, his.   May the all-encompassing love of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you in your attempts to earn God’s love and avoid the fires of Hell by being a True Christian.  For now and forever, Amen.”

08.22.15
by

The Pilot

airplane-wing

I am a man of

Faith

A man of

God

My head is held

High

When I walk

When I speak

And when I pray

God

Is with me

Always

I feel

His

Love

All around me

I see

His

Wondrous works

I hear

His

Lovely

Voice

He

Tells me of my

Special place in

His

Plan

I need know

Nothing else but

God

And what

He

Wants of me

Faith

Has set me

Free

Faith

Has lifted me

Here

Into the sky

Into this

Vessel

So that I can carry out

His

Plan

His

Desire

His

Will

His

Love

And my

Faith

In

Him

Have

Freed

Me from this

 Earth

And

Made

Righteous

My actions as a

Pilot

08.21.15
by

Interview With A Mime

Silent Town, Oregon.    An old mime friend of mine, Meme D. Mime, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office yesterday to return a pen he borrowed from me in the 90’s.   In order to prevent me from kicking his ass for taking so long to return it, Meme agreed to be interviewed for the site.   The interview, completely unaltered from when I first made it up, follows below.

 

ACP:  Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed, Meme.  Though, I gotta tell ya, I’m still tempted to kick your ass for taking so long to return my pen.  Just not cool dude.  Pens aren’t easy to come by.  What do you have to say for yourself?

 

Meme D. Mime:combat-de-mime

 

ACP:  Oh, don’t be a pussy, Meme.  I’m just fuckin’ with you.  Ya gotta lighten up a bit.  You’ll give yourself a heart attack.

 

Meme D. Mime:  cartoon-mime-hug

 

ACP:   What?  You want a hug?  OK.  Just this once, but don’t tell anyone.  I’ve a reputation to uphold.

 

Meme D. Mime:  Mime-web

 

ACP:  OK.  You’re welcome.  Now, let’s get back to the questions.  Since I haven’t seen you in a few years, I was wondering, what have you been doing with yourself to make a living?

 

Meme D. Mime:  mimes_4a41a107b7f61_hires

 

ACP:  Really?  You’ve been touring with the musical Cats playing Rum Tum Tugger?  I had no idea you could sing.   You’ve got to get me tickets next time you’re in town with the show.  It’ll make up for the pen you took 20 years to return to me.

 

Meme D. Mime: mimewear

 

ACP:   What do you mean you’ve got to think about that?  You’re an a-hole, pal.  You know that?

 

Meme D. Mime: mime-cartoon-002

 

ACP:  Oh, so you were just fuckin’ with me this time, eh?  OK.  You got me.  You can have one more hug, but then ya probably should go.  It’s gettin’ so sugary sweet in here I’m gettin’ a tooth ache.

 

Meme D. Mime:  boston-mime

 

ACP:   You’re outta here, eh?  OK, Meme.  Good seeing you.  Stop by again soon, and remember, get me tickets to Cats when you’re in town with the show.  Bye now.

08.19.15
by

Anthropologist Discovers Creationists Living Next To Homo Sapiens

Cave City, Kentucky.   Interesting news today comes to us from Anthropology Professor, Buddy Uptome of the University of Chicago.  “I was walking in a wooded area of Kentucky, not far from a town filled with your average Homo Sapiens, when I came across a building called, The Creationist Museum,” Professor Uptome said earlier.

Homo Sapiens

Average Homo Sapiens

“I went inside, out of curiosity, and found the place to be crawling with Young Earth Creationists, a species of hominid known as Homo Stupidous Ignoramous, long thought to be extinct.  This particular species of hominid has the same brain capacity and usage of its frontal lobes as regular Homo Sapiens.  However, members of this species exhibit a narcissistic, willful, ignorance when it comes to science and learning about the world around them.  Instead, this species of hominid deliberately chooses to believe the words of the Bible, a bronze age book which glorifies a homicidal, maniac of a god, are literally and undeniably true.   Members of this species can usually be identified by their arrogant and self-righteous attitude when speaking of the Bible, and their Abraham Lincoln-like beards.  (See photo below)

Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Easily Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards

Members Of Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards

It is my recommendation, as an anthropologist and an average Homo Sapien, that you stay out of the woods of Kentucky and avoid Homo Stupidous Ignoramous at all costs.  Its members are not only insulting to the intellect, they’re highly offensive in their deliberate attempts to convert you to their dangerously naive way of thinking.  Also, they smell bad.   These are things all normal, intelligent humans are better off without.”

08.18.15
by

Grace Church Seattle Opens Bakery

Neanderthal Town, Washington.    In news today that’s sure to wet the palates of Christian bigots everywhere, Grace Church Seattle has announced that it has opened it’s very own bakery.  The bakery specializes in making cakes with a dancing version of Katy Faust’s butt frosted onto them.

Katy Faust's Dancing Butt Will Adorn Every Cake Made By The Grace Church Seattle Bakery

Katy Faust’s Dancing Butt Adorns Every Cake Made By The Grace Church Seattle Bakery

Grace Church Seattle opened this bakery to help counter the horrifying attacks bakers the world over face every day from crazed gay people insisting they make cakes for them adorned with statues and the names of same-sex couples.  What better way to fight back against these cruel, mindless, barbaric, homosexuals than by ordering a Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake from the Grace Church Seattle bakery?  The proceeds from the sales of these cakes will be sent to the families of terrorized bakers across the globe to help them heal from the trauma gays have inflicted on them over the years by ordering same-sex couple cakes.  Each Katy Faust Dancing Butt Cake costs $55.98, including postage and handling.  Order right now and receive a free box of Jesus Hates Fags cupcakes absolutely free, while supplies last.  So, buy a cake.  It’s what Jesus wants you to do.