The Arm Chair Pontificator Proudly Presents: An Interview With God

God Reflects On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

God Reflecting On The Utter Idiocy Of Man

A re-post of an oldie but goodie.

God stopped by TACP office this morning desperately needing to use the bathroom.  I told him he could use ours if he’d let me interview him when he was finished, and he agreed.  Here, then, is the first ever interview God has given to anyone since time began. If this doesn’t get me a Nobel Prize AND a Pulitzer, something is seriously rotten in the State of Denmark.

Me: “God, before we begin, I have to ask, did you flush the toilet and wash your hands when you were finished? I don’t want to catch anything.”

God: “Don’t fuck with me, Pontificator. You’re on thin ice with me as it is already!”

Me: “Sorry, God. Won’t happen again.  Now for a question.  Theists tell us we are the reason for which you created this entire universe.  If so, then why did you wait 13.7 billion years AFTER you created it to create us?”

God: “Really? It was THAT long? Didn’t seem like it. Time does fly, eh?  I had planned on making humans BEFORE the dinosaurs, I remember, but I mistakenly brought the dinosaur creation instructions to work that day, and was too tired to drive back home to get the human ones.  So I just made the dinosaurs first.  OK, time for one more question then I’m off to the movies to see, ‘The Hobbit: Battle of The Five Armies.’ I just LOVE Tolkien. So imaginative, he is.”

Me: “God, why did you send your only begotten son, Jesus, to be tortured and killed for our horrific sins when you could’ve just told us yourself you forgave us? You are, after all, God, right?”

God: “I sent my only begotten son to be tortured and killed? Who told you that, Jesus?”

Me: “Well, his disciples said so, and then a bit later, St. Paul, like, went ape-shit about the whole thing. So much so in fact, that some theologians say there’d be no Christianity without him.”

God: “Let me get this right. You’re telling me some dudes Jesus used to fish with started saying I sent him to Earth to be brutally tortured and killed for mankind’s sins. Then, to top it off, you’re saying this St. Paul guy preached so prolifically and widely about it that he was able to create a world-wide religion that’s now lasted 2000 years? And all without a single fucking person ever stopping to realize just how ridiculously implausible the whole thing is?”

Me: “Yep. That’s pretty much what I’m saying.”

God: “I really wish I’d gone back and gotten those human creation instructions and created humans before the dinosaurs like I originally planned. By now you dingbats would be all dead and I’d be watching cool-ass dinosaurs walk around the Earth. You people are truly fucked. I mean truly. You are all fucked.”

With this final profanity riddled statement, God left our offices without bothering to even say goodbye.

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12 thoughts on “The Arm Chair Pontificator Proudly Presents: An Interview With God

  1. What a scoop! Hope a Pulitzer is coming!

  2. I just laughed my head off. Brilliant!

  3. Wow! It is often said out Queen needs neither to piss, shit or fart and there you have God needing a swift piddle. That line alone was the clincher. As to the rest – superb satire; for that is what it is!

  4. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    FIVE Smiley Face Rating!

  5. “I had planned on making humans BEFORE the dinosaurs, I remember, but I mistakenly brought the dinosaur creation instructions to work that day, and was too tired to drive back home to get the human ones.”

    I want to live inside your head.

  6. Hahaha!
    You deserve a Pulitzer Prize. This is really good. I can’t stop laughing

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