Goodnight Sweet Princess

Carrie Fisher. Born: October 21st, 1956 Died: December 27th, 2016

Carrie Fisher–Born: October 21st, 1956
Died: December 27th, 2016

As if 2016 hasn’t sucked enough already, Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars, passed away today at the young age of 60.   She suffered a massive heart attack a few days ago and died earlier today.  I was 13 in 1977 when I saw Star Wars for the first time.   To this day, it is the single greatest movie-going experience I’ve ever had.  My young heart also fell in love with Carrie Fisher that day.  I loved her portrayal of Princess Leia.  She was strong, powerful, brave, and beautiful all at the same time.   I’ve grown up with Star Wars.  It has been a significant part of my life for almost 40 years now.   I’m deeply saddened by this news and, though I didn’t know her personally, I will miss Carrie Fisher greatly.  The world was better with her in it.  Rest in peace, Sweet Princess, and May the Force Be with You.

 

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The Republican Test

test

Do you consider yourself to be a Republican?  Are you a right-wing Conservative?  Are you sure?  Take the test below to see just how much of a Republican you truly are.

1.)  A true Republican believes:  A. Allah is not a real god.  B.  Catholics are not “true” Christians.  C.  Poor people are poor because they’re lazy.  D.  Disabled people are not really disabled, they’re just pretending.  E.  All of the above.

2.)  True Republicans think:  A.  America was founded in 1952 by Jesus Christ and 4 white, elderly rich guys with the surname of Smith.  B.  Undocumented aliens are all evil except for the ones they have cleaning their homes and cooking for them for .15 cents an hour.  C.  Public schools suck and tax dollars are better spent on giving them vouchers to send their kids to fancy private schools.   D.  Inner city neighborhoods are scary because brown and black people live in them.   E.  All of the above.

3.)  True Republicans love:  A.  That a black man will no longer be President.  B.  That a woman will not be President.  C.  A Jesus who loves only wealthy, conservative white people.  D.  Their own particular take on verses cherry-picked from a bible most of them have never read.  E.  All of the above.

4.)  True Republicans do:  A. Exactly what their Party tells them to.  B.  Not believe in Global Warming.  C.  All they can to suppress the voting rights of black and Hispanic citizens.  D.  A fantastic job convincing poor, uneducated white people that voting for them is a cure-all for all that ails ’em.   E. All of the above.

5.)  True Republicans voted Trump into office because:  A.  He’s incredibly smart.  B. He’s a sexual dynamo.  C.  He is allowed to grab women by the pussy because he’s famous.  D.  He’s sleeping with Vladimir Putin.  E.  They’re fucking self-aggrandizing, wooden-brained idiots.

Putin To Receive Alaska As Christmas Gift From Trump

Santa Trump Puckering His Lips In Anticipation Of Kissing Vladimir Putin's Anus

Santa Trump Puckering His Lips In Anticipation Of Kissing Vladimir Putin’s Anus

Moscow, Russia.   President-Elect Donald Trump today said he will be returning Alaska to Russia as soon as he becomes President on January 20th.  “Yeah,” Trump said earlier, “Alaska was bigly purchased in 1867 by a liberal asshole named Andrew Johnson.  What a fuckin’ sissy he was!  I mean, COME ON!  Alaska is, like, cold n’ dark, like, 14 months outta the year!  Why in fuck’s name do we need to own it?  Crazy, eh?  So, as a Christmas gift to the greatest, and sexiest man alive, Vladimir Putin, I’m returning Alaska to Russia as soon as I become President.  This gift, includes every man,  woman and child living in Alaska today, AND, it includes all the oil that’s in Alaska.  Really, why in George W. Bush’s name do we need oil from Alaska when we’ve oil from Texas to fuel our economy?   This gift will help make America great again because it will give a piece of America to Russia and Vladimir Putin, the very things that put my orange ass into office.  God bless Russia, and God bless Vladimir Putin!”

Historical Figures Who Were “Like Smart People”

Trump-Apologist City, New York.   Donald Trump recently stated that he does not need to receive security briefings because he’s “like a smart person.”   There are a few other famous people who also claimed they were “like a smart person”.   Here are a few of them.

1.)  Humpty Dumpty:  Humpty proclaimed loudly, as he sat upon the wall, “I know I won’t fall because I’m like a smart person who would never do anything to endanger himself.”

Oh My God! I Didn't Realize How F**kin' Narrow This Wall Was!

Oh My God! I Didn’t Realize How F**kin’ Narrow This Wall Was!

2.)  Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars:  Emperor Palpatine once said to Darth Vader, “Darth, I, like a smart person, trust you with my life completely.  I know you’d never do anything to hurt me, like toss me down a power shaft, for example.”

But...You Were My Only Friend. AHHHHH!!!!!

But…You Were My Only Friend.  AHHHHH!!!!!

3.)  Richard Nixon:  President Nixon said to his wife, Pat, once, “Pat, I’m like a smart person.  I’d never place a bug to spy on my political enemies anyplace where it would EVER be found.”

Just Put The Tape Recorder In The Desk Drawer. No One Will EVER Think To Look There For It.

Just Put The Bug In The Light Fixture. No One Will EVER Think To Look For It There.

4.)  Anthony Weiner:  Weiner once said to his 16-year-old girlfriend, “Don’t worry, babe.  No one will EVER find out I’ve been texting you pics of my hardened genitals.”

But She Said She Was 18!

But She Said She Was 18!

5.)  Kellyanne Conway:  Kellyanne recently said to THE Donald, “Donnie, I’m like a smart person, too.  I know damn well I’ll be fondly remembered throughout history for helping you become President and for being an apologist who continually defends all the dangerous, treasonous, stupid shit you do.”

You People Are All Very Dumbly. Me 'N Donald Are Like....Well, We're Like Smart People!

You People Are All Very Dumbly. Me ‘N Donald Are Like….Well, We’re Like Smart People!

6.)  Bill Clinton:  Bill once said to Monica Lewinsky, “Monica, hand me that cigar.  Oh, and don’t worry about us fuckin’ around like this in the White House.  I’m like a smart person, and I can assure you, no one will EVER find out.”

No, I Assure You, We'll Never Get Caught.

Just Trust Me, Baby.  I’d Never Do Anything To Humiliate You In Front Of The Nation.

Jesus Christ Says, I’m Not The Son Of God, Donald Trump Is

THE Donald Has Replaced Jesus As The Son Of God

THE Donald:  Savior Of Humanity

Reality Is Real Town, Washington.  Jesus Christ today came down from Heaven to say Donald Trump is SO awesome that it is he who is God’s son and not him (Jesus).  “Can you in any way at all doubt the power and godliness that is inherent in Donald Trump,” Jesus said earlier.   “His prowess as a man, and his radiant, alpha masculinity are things that, rightly so, make Americans weak in the knees when they but gaze on him.  Donald is not only “like a smart person”, he’s really close to being one himself.  This god amongst men has reduced my sacrifice on the cross to no more than a person eating a peanut butter sandwich attempting to prove peanut butter is a better lunch food than ham.  I’m no longer necessary.  THE Donald has replaced me.  And, for those who fail to worship him and eat the feces that drops from his anus, I’ve this to say to you:  You’re idjits!  Donald is your god, you blind fools!  Worship him, and eat his shit, for if you don’t, Donald will be angry with you and call you names.  And, in a country ruled by THE Donald and his anus-kissing worshipers, there can be no sin greater than doubting the greatness of THE Donald.  A few thousand uneducated, bigoted, ignorant white male voters say this is so, and who in fuck’s name are any of you to doubt them?  God bless Freedom.  God bless THE Donald.  And God bless America!  $Amen$”

Color Orange Sues Donald Trump

orange

Orange Valley, California.   The Color Orange today filled a copyright infringement suit against President-elect Donald Trump.  “I told Donald many moons ago,” the Color Orange said this morning, “that I find his insistence on coloring his skin orange to be offensive, insensitive, and vile.  Orange is a color that’s associated with lovely things like sunsets, tangerines, and orange tabby kittens.  I REFUSE to be associated with bullies, fascists, and sexual predators, all things that Donald Trump is.  I gave him ample warning, but he’s refused to listen to my requests; so, I’m suing him to cease and desist coloring himself orange as of today.  If he refuses, I’m asking the court to fine him 7 billion dollars, all of which will be used to help homeless orange tabbies and dilapidated orange grooves in Florida and California.  Enough is enough already.  I may only be a color, but, by God, I’m a proud one.  “F” this butt-hole for degrading me like this.  The bastard!”

97% Of White Males Sexually Attracted To Trump

Trump: Sexually Desired By 97% Of White Males

Trump: Sexually Desired By 97% Of White Males

Out Of The Closet City, Oklahoma.   A study released today by the University of Chicago shows that 97% of white males find Donald Trump sexually attractive.  “It’s truly amazing,” said Professor Beverly Pinkbottom, head of the survey department at the University of Chicago.  “I was expecting a few of the white males we surveyed for this study to be sexually attracted to Trump, I mean, come on, just look at the guy, but not 97% of them.  Most of the men we interviewed had considered themselves to be strictly heterosexual before becoming infatuated with the manliness and sexual prowess of Donald Trump.  One man, who I’ll call Teddy Tinkelberry, said this to me about him: ‘The man is THE man.  THE Donald.  My willy simply tingles all over when I see his orange face speaking on TV.  What he’s saying isn’t important.  It’s how sexy and beautifully he says it.  The man is SO gorgeous, I simply can not control the primal craving I have for him to ravage me like the weak-kneed bottom I’ve become.'”

Professor Pinkbottom then went on to say, “What I’ve concluded from Mr. Tinkelberry’s statement, and others like it, is that Donald Trump was elected President, not because of his promise to end the economic suffering of down-trodden white males, but because of the deep, latent, homosexual desires he awoke in them.  Trump’s boyish charm and powerful sexual aura were simply too much for even the staunchest “heterosexual” white male to resist.   It truly is amazing what we learn from these surveys, is it not?”