Biblical Mugshots

Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.

1.)

Satan: Arrested In 4000 BC For “Grabbing Women By The Pussy ‘Cause I’m Famous.”

2.)

St. Peter: Arrested In 34 AD For Shouting Anti-Semitic Slurs At A Group Of Rabbis In Jerusalem.

3.)

Judas: Arrested In 30 AD For Having Sex With Pontius Pilate’s Wife.

4.)

Virgin Mary: Arrested In 29 AD For Telling A Deli Owner She Didn’t Have To Pay For Her Bagel Because She Was ” The Virgin Mother Of The One, True God.”

5.)

Jesus: Arrested In 31 AD For Accidentally Turning All The Water At A 7 Year Old’s Birthday Party Into Wine.

I Have A Confession To Make: I’m A Cannibal And I Worship Satan

Recently, I’ve decided to be more honest with myself and others in hopes of getting the Nobel Prize Committee to GET OFF IT’S COLLECTIVE ASS and give me my NOBEL PRIZE already!  So, I’ve a huge confession to make.

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

Not only do I eat Christian children and love it, I firmly believe in Satan, a magical invisible guy, and I’ve devoted my entire life, each and every breath of it, to Him and His insipid evil ways. Every night I strip down to a thin silver thong, cover my nipples in garlic butter, and chant morally deprived incantations to the scourge of all Christians, the “E” in all Evil, and the “A” in all atheism, Satan. The mushroom induced incantation I recently recited for my Lord and Master went something like this.

Oh great, nasty, mother fuckin’ Satan! You are soooo nasty and mother fuckin’ rotten! In honor of you and your limitless depravity, today I pushed an old man down to the pavement and told him I did it because I wanted to be more like you. Then I took his wallet and threw it down a sewer while calling him a sissy and a barnyard animal-fucker.  Oh, the fun I had doing it!

Oh, nasty, nasty mother fuckin’ evil one! Oh, enemy of Christians! Oh, bringer of bad smells! I know you’re real, and that you will reward me with many sexually perverted women who’ll use me as their love bitch simply because I have Faith in you.

And it is by Faith, and Faith alone, that I know you are, with absolute and undeniable certainty, real. My Faith in you, oh, Lord of all fecal matter, is infallible and perfect. This is obvious to all who share my Faith in you.  And lastly, oh, ceaseless torturer of puppies and senseless paralyzer of children, I meditated on my Faith in you for a very long time today and concluded it was not possible I could be wrong about your evil existence.  Thus, it is without refute that I know you exist in a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless shit-hole somewhere and are as real as real can be.  Bless you my evil Lord, and thank you for helping me become the nasty no-good-nik I proudly am today.

Q & A With Satan, Prince Of Darkness

TACP is proud to present a Q & A session with none other than the nemesis of goodness himself, Satan. Let’s get right to it, shall we.

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya'd Think

Satan: A Nicer Fella Than Ya’d Think

ACP: How the hell are you, Satan old chum?

Satan: I’ll be better once you get all the innuendos and other types of Satanic word play out of your system and just ask me questions outright. I’m a busy man. I’ve a date tonight with Liz Taylor, and I haven’t a THING to wear. So I’m off to Saks 5th Ave on 5th Ave after this interview to buy a new suit, one I’m hoping can take my heat, if ya get my drift!

ACP: I think I do. Well, I must thank you for agreeing to this interview, Satan. We here at TACP are very proud of the Biblical celebrities who’ve spoken to us over the past several months, and it only seems right that we interview you as well. You take a lot of “heat,” shall we say, for things that are considered wrong with the world. Let me ask you flat-out a big question many have about you: Are you responsible for all the evil in the world? And if so, why? Why bring evil to the world, I mean?

Satan: Well, let me tell you right out that NO! I’m NOT responsible for bad and evil stuff that happens in the world. God is. I didn’t make the Universe from nothing, God did. I didn’t build humans out of clay to do my bidding then get pissed at them cause they ate a banana, and I didn’t toss them out of Paradise for it to suffer on Earth. I had NOTHING to do with ANY of that. Also, I didn’t make ME. God did. The ONLY thing I’ve ever done, is piss off God by laughing at the stupid shit he always does. Shakespeare always tells me I’m like the Fool in “King Lear” who continually tells Lear he fucked up by giving away his land to his psycho daughters who then treat him like crap. I merely point out to God, like the Fool does to Lear, the stupid things he’s done that he doesn’t like pointed out to him. I’ll list a few of them here cause I like doing that:

  1. I pointed out to him, as I still do, that HE created pain and suffering and HE can end it if HE wanted to. He doesn’t like that HE is responsible for EVERYTHING, including all the painful shit that happens, so he tries to blame that stuff all on me: A token fallen angel, whatever the hell that is. I mean, I bloody fell ONCE in my life cause I tripped over a shoe box, once mind you, but other than that, I’ve not fallen from anything ever in my life. I’ve been running Hell, but I’ve always done that since God made it. Hell, I no more made Hell than I made Heaven. I’m only doing the job he made me for. It ain’t my idea to put people down there. It’s God’s. I actually make it kinda nice for folks who go there. Really, it ain’t so bad down there. I mean, it’s HOT, but so’s Hawaii, and people don’t bitch about that, now do they?
  2. God hates it that I continually tell him he’s an asshole for being angry about Adam and Sue (Her name was Sue, not Eve, BTW. Please don’t believe MOST of what those idiots wrote in the Bible. Drunkards. Every last one of ’em.) I mean, Adam and Sue ate a friggin’ banana God said not to. So what? Compared to the shit he’s done, SO BLOODY WHAT? God made pain where none existed before; self-doubt when it’s not needed or good for people to have, and he made Hell, where he places the people HE made to burn for doing things HE could have prevented to begin with. These are the actions of a fool, not a god. Who can argue with this?!

  3. God is a self loving child with little love or compassion for anything but himself. He hates that I always tell him this, but it’s true, and if he wanted me to stop telling it to him, he could make me stop, but he doesn’t. Sigmund Freud tells me it’s because God always wanted to have sex with his mother growing up, but, since he has no mother, his lust is for whoever she might have been, and it’s free-floating and just NASTY. Freud says God’s even more fucked in the head than your average fucked in the head person because of this and NO amount of analysis could help him. He hates himself but won’t admit it, so he keeps me around to torment him for his wrongs. Bad for us, his creations, eh?

So there you have it. God’s an asshole who I mock. Thus, he blames shit on me that’s actually his fault. He made Hell, and it is because of him people suffer. Not me. I’m a fun guy. Really, I’d have to be for being able to put up with God as my boss all these years. He just doesn’t want to face how much he’s fucked everything up because he’s a child: a bratty child who’s so spoiled by his own power and self-love he fails to see just how sick and evil he is. That’s God for you folks, in my humblest opinion. Ta Da!!! Wadda you think?

ACP: WOW! That was quite the summary, Satan. Thanks for sharing that with our readers today. I know you need to run to buy that suit you mentioned, but would you mind coming back some time to fill us with more of your insight into the Divine One’s ways?

Satan: Sure thing. Just gimme a holler, and I’ll pop back up, next week maybe even. We’ll see. Bye now.

ACP: Goodbye. And thanks again for a most informative interview. I kinda like you, Satan. You’re OK in my book.

Satan Talks About His Favorite Food, Anti-Semitic, Whack-Job Conspiracy Theorists

Common Anti-Semitic Whack-Job Conspiracy Theorist

Common Anti-Semitic Whack-Job Conspiracy Theorist

Howdy folks, Satan here, aka, The Devil. I was down here in Hell just burning a few conspiracy whack-jobs cause, you know, I like to fulfill people’s fantasies, when one of them called me a Zionist pig and said my place was a pig sty! Well, that got my dander up, so I ate him alive, slowly and without cooking him first.

Satan Eating A Conspiracy Theorist Slowly, And Alive

Satan Eating A Conspiracy Theorist Slowly, And Alive

Oh my, the howling screams he made as I chewed away at him feet first. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! And Ouch, again!  Anti-Semites, all of the conspiracy whack-jobs I eat are anti-Semites. Racist foul-smelling anti-Semites. And they all are down here in this pig sty with me, Satan, a Jew mind you, who just LOVES to make fun of, torture, cook alive, and eat conspiracy whack-jobs.  Oh, while I’m thinking of it, I REALLY hate it when the whack-jobs use words like “Zionist.” Makes ’em sound like idiots multiplied by infinity squared when they do. Perhaps because they are idiots, eh?  I’m ZION’ up a couple of conspiracy whack-jobs right now, BTW, alive, on my big human-size cookin’ grill. I keep taunting ’em by calling ’em anti-Semites and sissy butt-lickers as the flesh bubbles and pops off their bones. Hilarious, man. Absolutely HILARIOUS!  And even more hilarious is listening to ’em scream and beg for mercy while they’re cookin’. They get so loud sometimes, I can barely hear myself think. I’ll tell you though, a conspiracy nut-job, cooked just right, while still alive, tastes like a slice of Heaven right down here in Hell when you’re eatin’ ’em.

Shanks From Conspiracy Whack-Job Ready For Satan's Grill

Shanks From Conspiracy Whack-Jobs Ready For Satan’s Grill

Before I forget, I do hope any conspiracy nut-jobs reading this understand that I’m using words like nut-job, whack-job, anti-Semitic idiot, and ignorant douche bag just to be a prick and piss you off. You see, you ignorant conspiracy douche bags are right. There is a conspiracy going on, a big one. It involves me, Satan, and my hideous plan to take over the world just so I can torture, flay and eat douche bag conspiracy theorists. Conspiracy theorists who are too damn ignorant to realize when someone’s fucking with them just because they’re so easy to fuck with.

I’m the Devil, and I’m coming for you, you racist, anti-Semitic whack-jobs. I’m coming for you because your mothers dress you funny, your teeth are yellow and crooked, and your breath reeks like the cows’ asses you suck on every night. But mostly I’m coming for you because you let dogs sodomize you just for kicks, and that’s just nasty, even by my standards.

 Satan Is Coming To Eat Conspiracy Theorists

Satan Is Coming To Eat Conspiracy Theorists

How’s that for over-the-top, one-dimensional, deliberately insulting, sophomoric rhetoric, eh, fellas? Childish? HELL, Yes! Crude? Most definitely! Solid, state of the art, respectful intellectual arguing? Fuck no. But I’m bettin,’ if you’re a conspiracy whack-job and reading this, you’re smokin’ angry right about now. And to piss you off even more is the fact that any nasty comment you make will be deleted. Sucks. And so does the fact that I’m coming for you, and I’m going to eat you. I’m Satan, and you, you conspiracy nut-bars? Why you all are silly, girlish, ignorant, anti-Semitic imps that, like flies, need shit to feed on or you’ll die.  Bye now. Merry Christmas, and remember to stop by and be dinner when you’ve time.  All my love, always, Satan.