Christian Apologist Says Theory Of Gravity Dumber Than Evolution

“As far as I’m concerned,” Christian apologist Richard Limp said today, “the outright stupidity of the theory of evolution has nothing on the COMPLETELY fucked up gravitational theory touted by physicists. Who, but a totally naive idiot, would believe we’re held on the Earth by some made up, invisible gravitational ‘field’? Ridiculous! As any true Christian can tell you, we are held on the Earth by a clump of Velcro-like material which God has lovingly inserted into each of our feet. You may find this hard to believe, but in spite of this in-arguable fact, I almost discarded it in favor of ‘gravity’ once myself. After viewing a Stephen Hawking science documentary one evening on PBS, I decided the theory of gravity made sense and the theory of Velcro didn’t.

My Favorite Teddy, Flea Bite, Drifting Toward Doom

Flea Bite, Drifting Toward A Ceiling Fan, Prior To Being Returned Safely To Earth By God

Just as I was about to fully commit to the theory of gravity however, my favorite Teddy Bear, Flea Bite, drifted up off the floor toward a twirling ceiling fan. Terrified he would be torn to shreds, I frantically begged God to forgive my temporary lack of sanity. He did, and he promptly returned Flea Bite to me safe and sound. I present this as conclusive evidence that the theory of gravity, like the theory of evolution, is nonsense. The only real science is the Bible and the only true scientist is God. Gravity! Some people will simply believe anything.”

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Conspiracy Expert Says Nothing Existed Before Yesterday

The Beginning Of Time

The Beginning Of Time

In a shocking statement made before the U.S. Supreme Court this morning, Conspiracy expert and Catholic priest, Fr.Walter Pedofile, revealed that nothing in the universe existed before yesterday. “Existence began yesterday at 12:01 AM, Central Standard time,” Fr. Pedofile said to the court. “The reason we think things have been around for 13.8 billion years is because God created us with that thought imbedded in us already. But trust me when I say, we are all but one day old. And to make matters even more nebulous, if my calculations are correct, and they always are, nothing will exist after tomorrow either. We came from nothing and we will return to nothing once again, after enjoying but a 72 hour respite. That is the way of the Lord. Ours is not to reason why, but to accept the crazy shit God does. For, in the end, if you really think hard about it, there’s not a bloody thing we can do about it. Hope you all have a great day and enjoy yourselves. It’s the last any of us will ever have.”

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.