Monthly Archives: August 2014

08.31.14
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Hate Inc, The Hate Group That Hates Hate Groups

Hate Inc: Where Hate Is So Hot The "H" Burns

Hate Inc: Our Hate Is So Hot The “H” Burns

Hello. My name is Henry Hatenweiner. I’m the founder and spokesman of a new hate group called “Hate Inc.” I created the group for the sole purpose of hating and persecuting individuals and groups that hate others in a sanctimonious and self-righteous manner simply because they are different. One of the group’s main targets recently has been the American Family Association headed by Bryan Fischer. The AFA is a group of Christians who use the name of their god, Jesus, to justify their deep hatred of the LGBT community and anyone else who doesn’t fit under their banner of “a good Christian.” We at Hate Inc hate the AFA very deeply. They sicken us. And because they sicken us, we have made it our goal in life to persecute them by burning large letter “H’s” on their front lawns and by sponsoring various hate rallies in front of their churches where hateful obscenities are shouted at them as they enter and leave Sunday services. We want them to know what it feels like to be hated just for being who they are in a very public way. We are also lobbying hard in Washington to have Congress deny members of the AFA the right to marry each other. Why? Because we hate them and do not feel they deserve the same rights as people we don’t hate.

Bryan Fischer & The AFA: We Hate Them

Bryan Fischer & The AFA: Hate Inc Hates Them

If our campaign of hate against the AFA goes well, and why wouldn’t it, we will launch campaigns of intense hate against the KKK and pedophile rapist Catholic priests as well. Why? Because we hate them, and feel they deserve every ounce of negativity we can muster up to throw at them. So, if any of this sounds interesting to you and you’d like to put your hatred of hate groups to good use, you can contact us on our website: hatethehaters.org. We look forward to hating with you.

08.29.14
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Christians Outraged As Jesus Announces, “I’m Jewish, Dammit!”

Christians the world over were outraged and shocked today when Jesus, The Anointed One, appeared in a deli in Tel Aviv, Israel and said, “I’m Jewish, dammit! I’ve been Jewish my whole existence. My father, mother, brothers and sisters are all, also, Jewish! My wife, Mary, is, you guessed it, Jewish! I go to Temple on the Sabbath to pray. I wear a yamaka AND a prayer shawl, all the time practically. I want these so-called Christians out there, especially the damned anti-Semitic ones, to pay very close attention to this: there is NO Christianity, dammit! I’m a Jew. A proud, happy Jew! I came here to save Jews, not to start a bloody separate religion. Dammit!

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli This Morning

Jesus Leaving A Tel Aviv Deli Earlier Today

This buffoon Christians follow, Paul of Damascus, who claimed he had a vision of me, was on mushrooms the day he had it, if he had it at all. When will people learn, you can not believe everything you hear. The more ridiculous something sounds, the more likely it is just that: ridiculous! Dammit!  So please, to any putz out there who claims to know me or is doing hateful nonsense in my name, STOP IT, dammit! Now, I’m leaving. My 43rd son’s Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow and I need to get him a gift. Dammit!”

08.28.14
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Random And Astounding Superfluous Facts

Here are a few amazing facts about a variety of shit most know nothing about.

1.) The original members of The Lollipop Guild from The Wizard of Oz were killed execution style by a masked flying monkey during the McCarthy era because they were believed to be members of the Communist Party.

Lollipop Guild Members Moments Before Their Execution

Lollipop Guild Members Moments Before Their Execution

2.) Henry Ford invented an invisible car but forgot where he parked it one night and was never again able to find it.

Only Surviving Photo Of Henry Ford's Lost Invisible Car

Only Surviving Photo Of Henry Ford’s Invisible Car

3.) The Illuminati have hired Oprah Winfrey to be the Antichrist’s publicist when he arrives.

Soon To Be Anti-Christ Publicist, Oprah

Soon To Be Publicist For The Antichrist

4.) Stymie, from The Little Rascals, is actually Barrack Obama’s grandfather. The President often wears Stymie’s old derby when alone at night in the White House.

Stymie Obama, The President's Grandfather

Stymie Obama, The President’s Grandfather

5.) Barney Rubble, of the Flintstones, is currently serving 10 years in San Quinton for beating the hell out of Fred after he found out he (Fred) and Wilma had been having threesomes behind his back for years with Betty.

Currently Doing 10 Years In San Quintin

Currently Doing 10 Years In San Quintin

That’s all for now. Say goodnight, Gracie. “Goodnight Gracie”.

 

 

 

08.26.14
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An Interview With Darth Vader

While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff.  A transcript of the interview is presented below.

Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader

Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader

Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.

Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.

Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.

Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?

Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith.  As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?

Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?

Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE!  It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility.  And for that I say, thank you America.   Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.

Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.

08.21.14
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Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winning Inventions

Here’s a list of some amazing gadgets I’ve invented for which I’ve awarded myself the Nobel Prize.

1.) Gasoline powered basketballs that play an entire game all by themselves with only a single fill up and no players.

Gasoline Powered Basket Balls Eliminate Need For Players

Gasoline Powered Basket Balls Eliminate Need For Players

2.) Chinchilla condoms: Designed to make her happy while keeping you warm.

Chinchilla Condoms Give Both Size & Warmth To Your Johnson

Chinchilla Condoms Give Both Size & Warmth To Your Johnson

3.) Rape-Free Catholic Priest Robots: They do all the work a regular priest does minus the pedophile rape.

Guaranteed NOT To Rape Even The Cutest Little Boys

Guaranteed NOT To Rape Even The Cutest Of Little Boys

4.) Salt-encrusted band aids for people whose boo-boos you don’t really want to see heal.

Warning: Use Only On Your Enemies

Warning: Use Only On Your Enemies, OUCH!!!

5.) Goldfish polish. A happy goldfish is one that glistens.

One Goldfish, Freshly Polished

One Goldfish, Freshly Polished

6.) Solar powered cats that require no food or water, ever. Just give them 8 to 9 hours of sun light every day, and they’ll last for decades.

Solar Powered Cat Acting Like Non-Solar Powered Cat

Solar Powered Cats Act Just Like Non-Solar Powered Cats & Require No Food Or Water

7.) King cobras that seek out and bite only KKK members.

KKK Killing Cobra

KKK Killing Cobras: They Just HATE Racist Bigots!

8.) Rat-hair socks. 20 rats go into the making of each pair.

Rat-Hair Socks

Put Rats To A Good Use: Wear Rat-Hair Socks

9.) Battery/AC powered panties for the woman who prefers to do everything herself.

Battery/AC Powered Panties

Keep Your Privy Parts Juicy With Battery/AC Powered Panties

Above items can be purchased for just 8.99 each at the ACP online shop. Thanks for reading, and thank you for not smoking while the ride was in motion.

 

 

 

 

08.15.14
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Letters To TACP

letters2Here are some letters TACP has received and my responses to them. I hope they enlighten and enrich your lives as much as they have mine.

1.) Dear Fungus Face: You suck. Why do you suck? Well, let me tell you. You suck because you are not a Christian and you are a stupid dummy. That is why you suck. Oh, and you also suck because you think you are funny but you are just a person who hates Jesus and loves gays. See? You suck. Sincerely, Elizabeth Cleavage, Baton Rouge, Louisianan

Ms. Cleavage: Thanks for clarifying for me that I suck. You sound like a bright, cheerful person who has plenty of love to share with the world. I’m certain Jesus has a special place for you in his heart. I hope that, if you have children, you are teaching them not to suck because, take it from me, you wouldn’t want anyone writing them letters telling them they suck. It can be quite an unpleasant experience. Love, TACP

2.) My dearest ACP, for me, you are the very definition of a man. You are smart beyond human comprehension and your love-making skills are unparalleled. When I think of you my heart flutters, my knees weaken, and my loins become moist. You are, to me, a god made flesh.  Thank you for allowing me to worship and please you with my mind, body, and soul. Love always, Angelina Jolie, Los Angeles, California

Angelina, thanks for writing. How are Brad and the kids? Hope you haven’t mentioned our little weekend liaisons to them. Brad has SUCH a temper! I wouldn’t want to have to kick his ass, again. Anyway, see you soon. Love, TACP  P.S. I forgot to tell you this, but last time you spent the night, I think I may have I accidentally used your toothbrush. Sorry bout that kiddo.

3.) Dear asshole!!! Where’s the 50 bucks you owe me from our pool game last Saturday? Pay up or spend eternity in Hell. Love always, Jesus, Heaven

Jesus, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot. I promise I’ll pay you next week. Please forgive me. Amen, TACP

 

That’s all for now folks!

08.13.14
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Thor To File Harassment Suit Against Hulk

An Angry Thor Tired Of Hulk Questioning His Sexual Orientation

An Angry Thor Tired Of Hulk Questioning His Sexual Orientation

Hulk Laughing After Calling Thor A Golden Haired Girly Boy

Hulk Laughing After Calling Thor A Golden Haired Girly Boy

Mighty Thor today announced that he will be filing a personal harassment suit against The Incredible Hulk sometime next week. “That green bastard has been prank calling me and sending me anonymous derogatory letters for months now,” the God of Thunder said. “In the last month alone I’ve received 20 crayon scribbled letters with multiple spelling and grammatical errors in them questioning my sexual orientation and my penis size. In addition to this, almost nightly, I receive 3 or 4 prank phone calls from someone with a growling deep voice calling me a girly boy and a sissy. It’s Hulk. He knows it and I know it. I’m a god, damn it! I won’t put up with this kind of silliness. It isn’t funny! I’ve asked him to stop, and he won’t, so next week I’m filing suit to make him stop. We’ll see who’s laughing then my jade skin pal, won’t we?”