Monthly Archives: November 2013

11.30.13
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Wolverine To Play Jean Valjean In Yet Another Film Version Of Les Miserables

This Is How It's Done, Jackman!

This Is How It’s Done, Jackman!

Claiming his alter ego, Hugh Jackman, sucked in last year’s film adaptation of “Les Miserable,” Wolverine has been cast as Jean Valjean in yet another film version of the popular musical set to premier late next year.  “Jackman’s a pussy,” said Wolverine earlier.  “The dude works out and looks tough, but then he plays Jean Valjean like an emasculated little boy. I HAD to make this film, if for no other reason than to show him how HE should’ve done it.  There’s no friggin’ way that Javert is going to be pushing me around and forcing me into hiding.  I’m the best there is at what I do, Bub. And what I do best isn’t running away. It’s standing my ground and going toe-to-toe with my enemy.

Javert, I'm Ready When You Are

Javert, I’m Ready When You Are

People will get a confrontation scene in this movie that’s an actual CONFRONTATION, and, though I don’t want to give away too much, I will say there isn’t a suicide scene for Javert in this version because, well, he doesn’t need one.   Oh, that reminds me, for those of you who feel “Les Mis” is too sad and/or has too much singing, you’re going to love this new version.  Fantine, for example, is only ABOUT to be forced to sell her hair and teeth and to become a prostitute when a certain adamantium-clawed X-Man happens to arrive to save the day.  Fantine then sings a chipper, happier version of “I Dreamed A Dream” with these new lyrics: “I had a dream of Wolverine, of buff strong men and steely sinews. I had a dream my man would be, this superhero I am kissing!  I am so happy to exclaim!!! I am in love with Wolverine!!!”

This Time, Fantine, There'll Be No Tears

This Time, Fantine, There’ll Be No Tears

  If that doesn’t bring down the house, NOTHING will.  As well, all the songs sung by Marius and Cosette, especially the cheesy ones they sing to each other, have been cut. They will be replaced with extended flash back scenes of me fighting Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Less singing, more fighting, bigger box office, that’s what I’m bettin’ on.  I do have one show stopping song I sing though, and that’s a reworked version of “Bring Him Home.” I sing it right after I annihilate the entire French army while in the midst of a blinding berserker rage which threatens to consume me completely. The song helps calm me down, and it goes like this: “Professor X!!! Bring me peace! Bring me Joy (woman’s name). I am hot. Very hot. Girls like me. Like it or not! But Calm me down. Or I’m shot! Bring me girls, bring me babes, and calm me down! Calm me down. Let me rest.”  And of course I do calm down, marry Fantine, and we rule France together because I’ve killed the entire French ruling class by the time the movie ends. And that, Mr. Jackman, is how THAT is done!”

 

11.28.13
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9/11 Conspiracy Revealed As Conspiracy By Conspiracy Experts

 

conspiracy-theories-3x2Two conspiracy experts, who themselves are believed by conspiracy experts to be a conspiracy, revealed that conspiracy theorists now are postulating that 9/11 conspiracy theorists and so-called “Truthers” are themselves a conspiracy being used to cover up the truth behind the 9/11 conspiracy theories.  “What skeptics and idiots who demand evidence before accepting something as true don’t get is that there’s a huge conspiracy to cover up the truth which prevents them from accepting the very conspiracy that’s being used to cover up the truth,” said Philip Dumfuk, conspiracy expert.  “And the truth about 9/11 is that nothing happened on 9/11.  It’s a conspiracy that conspiracy theorists created to cover up the fact that nothing ever happens and none of us are really here. Everything is simply a conspiracy so Obama can prepare to reveal himself as an Asian women named Sally and join the circus. Take the fucking covers off your eyes and see the truth people before you become part of the problem and not part of the solution to unraveling the conspiracy problem which keeps the real conspiracy hidden from those not believing in it. I beg you to take this to heart before a conspiracy to not take it to heart engulfs your very soul.”

11.28.13
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Texas And Florida Devoured By Giant Turkeys

Giant Turkeys Like These Devoured Florida And Texas

That Was Yummy!

A devastating blow against Christian Conservatives and Tea Party advocates alike was struck this morning when Giant Turkeys materialized simultaneously in Texas and Florida and completely devoured both states.  Nothing remains where the two states once stood but a light covering of Giant Turkey shit.  Before returning from whence they came, the leader of the Giant Turkeys, Mr. Gobble Yercock,  gave an insightful, informative interview to TACP’s editor ‘n chief, me.  The transcript of this interview, without any embellishment by TACP, is presented below.

TACP:  Let me begin, Mr. Gobble Yercock, by saying, what a fucking entrance! Yesterday no one knew Giant Turkeys even existed, and today, BAM! You’ve devoured both Texas and Florida and it isn’t even noon yet. Impressive, most impressive.

Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock

Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock

Gobble Yercock: Well, what can I say. We’re a dramatic entrance bunch, we Giant Turkeys. We specialize in the eradication of parasitic conservative vermin via consumption as soon as their presence becomes known to us.  We live in the realm between realms ( I had to write that) where all sentient beings work to ensure all sentient beings are treated as equal sentient beings.  We have a kick ass health care system, and we allow all beings to believe in whatever fantastic invisible deities they wish as long as they never once try to impose said deities onto anyone else not wishing to hear about them.

TACP: Does that really work?  I mean, here in America, we actually have the words “SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE” written into our Constitution, but in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

Gobble Yercock: Oh, it works because the only crime one can be sentenced to death for where I come from is the crime of forcing one’s faith onto another. Do that, and you die. Period. The act of forcing a mythological deity onto others produces a foul smell which transgresses the barriers of space and time. We’re rather sensitive to that smell. That’s why we ate Texas and Florida this morning. The Right Wing Christian Conservative stench drifting from those two states was so vile it drifted into the realm between realms and was making us sick.  We took care of that I’d say, eh? And we’re coming back for a few more U.S. states in a few weeks. Then it’ll be on to the Middle East for us. But first, we have to digest all the Conservative bullshit we swallowed this morning.

TACP: Sounds great. Well, have a great Thanksgiving, Mr. Gobble Yercock, and thanks for doing what you do.

Gobble Yercock: No problem. See you soon. Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

11.24.13
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Braveheart Lays Seige To Fred Phelps And Westboro Baptist Church

Braveheart Fucked Up Fred Phelps Bad

Braveheart Fucked Up Fred Phelps Bad

In a really unusual occurrence this morning, a wormhole opened up next to Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas.  Even more unusual was that William Wallace, aka Braveheart, stormed out of it on horseback, smashed the church to splinters, and castrated Mr Phelps with a dull butter knife.  He also sealed Mr Phelps’ testicles into his mouth with a rusty piece of chicken wire before cauterizing Phelps’ groin so he wouldn’t bleed out.

Brave Heart Cut Off Phelps' Balls Recently

Braveheart Cut Off Phelps’ Balls

He then tied Mr Phelps to a bench and had several barn yard animals sodomize him for several hours.   After releasing Mr. Phelps, Mr. Wallace re-entered the wormhole and it vanished.  Though no words were exchanged between the two men during this violent attack, Mr. Phelps screams could be heard up to a mile away, that is until his mouth was sewn shut with his testicles inside.   The end.

11.24.13
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Jesus Accepts Role Of Batman After Ben Affleck Resigns In Tears

Tearful Ben Affleck Says Goodbye To Batman But Hello To Jesus

Tearful Ben Affleck Says Goodbye To Batman And Hello To Jesus

“I’m not going to play Batman after all,” said a tearful Ben Affleck this morning. ” I couldn’t take all the nasty things fans were saying about me online. I cried for days, my feelings were so hurt. So I went to church last night and asked Jesus for His advice on this matter. Then, in a great flash of light, He very unexpectedly appeared wearing a Batman mask. He said to me, ‘Fuck the fan boys, Ben! You’re an Academy Award winning director and a fine actor. You’ve also had sex with Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner. How many pathetic pimple-faced fan boys can ever dream of doing anything like that?’ Jesus than told me to resign the Batman role and that He Himself would play it. ‘I’ll send any fan boy who bitches about this straight to Hell. So tell ’em I’d better not hear or read anything but wonderful things about Me, or else! Oh, and tell Zak Snyder I’ve got a great male bonding scene in mind for Me and Henry Cavill to play. Have you seen that Cavill, Ben? He looks like a fucking Greek god. Smokin’ hot guy!’ Then Jesus vanished as quickly as He appeared. And I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me after He had.” Mr. Affleck then concluded by saying he was off to meet Matt Damon for their morning tea and biscuits and that the matter of him playing Batman was over.

Christ As Batman.

Christ As Batman.

11.24.13
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King Herod To Host 2018 Annual Heaven/Hell Christmas Party

King Herod will be hosting the annual Heaven/Hell Christmas party at his home in Topeka, Kansas next month. “To be honest, I’m surprised Jesus asked me to do this after last year’s fiasco,” Herod said.  “To make a long story short, after 4 Vodka martini’s each, Mao Tse Tung and I thought it would be hysterical to put John the Baptist’s severed head in Jesus’ bed with a note saying, ‘We made you an offer you couldn’t refuse’  like in the ‘Godfather’, you know.  Well, what we didn’t know was that Jesus, who’s got a great sense of humor, and Yahweh, who doesn’t have ANY, had switched rooms for the night.

God Gives Head He Found In Bed To Hotel Maid

Yahweh Handing Human Head He Found In His Bed To Hotel Maid For Disposal

Needless to say, there was a lot of yelling and screaming that went on when Yahweh crawled into bed that night.  Most everyone there blamed Hitler for it, cause, well, he’s a dick, but I’m positive Jesus knew it was Mao Tse Tung and me who did it. Guess his sense of humor is better than I thought since he’s asked me to host the party this year.  He’s cool like that.”

11.22.13
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Monotheism, Polytheism, and A-theism

Why is monotheism considered to be the more “evolved” way of worshiping invisible gods than polytheism? Are monotheists smarter than polytheists?  Do Muslims, Christians, and Jews have a more advanced genetic structure that allows them to comprehend something a billion Hindus can not?  I’ve known a few folks who were Hindu in my time, and in no way did they seem like a less evolved species of hominid.  As a matter of fact, one Hindu man I knew was a Professor for a course I took in college on Human Evolution. He was a brilliant teacher and a very learned anthropologist in spite of the fact he believed there were as many as 300 million gods in our universe just hanging around doing god- type shit all day. That’s a lot of fucking gods! Did this man miss the memo on the superiority of believing in just ONE god? He didn’t seem at all worried about it. Guess 300 million gods can kick the shit outta any one god whether it’s Jesus, Allah, or Ya Hew. Maybe their believers are the ones who didn’t get the memo.

And while I’m on the topic, in my unerring opinion, I find nothing at all monotheistic about Christianity. The guy who hung on the cross is not the same guy who drowned Pharaoh’s army in the fucking Red Sea in the Old Testament. No one thinks in such a way, least of all Christians. And I’m sorry, but this 3 gods in one bullshit doesn’t cut it. 3 is not 1. It’s 3. Period. Oh, I also think The Holy Spirit is a poor ass excuse for a god. Where does this dude get off saying he’s equal to Jesus and The Big All Father? “Oh, I inspire folks to believe, so therefore I get equal billing.” Fuck you buddy. You’re a bloody lazy ass opportunist riding the coat tails of two much more important and more powerful guys. Get a fucking life already. Become a life guard for the disabled or something. Make yourself useful. Ya lazy bum, ya. You’re as much a god as Keanu Reeves is an actor.

If you want your monotheism served fresh and piping hot, you have to go with Islam: ” There is no god but Allah, and Mohamed is his prophet.” Now THAT is mother fucking monotheism, baby! Make no mistake! No mother fucking god but Allah! See, ONE god! The Jews are pretty good monotheists too, as far as I can tell. But since they don’t incessantly banter me with ” We’re right and you will burn in Hell if you don’t believe us” rhetoric like SOOOO many Christian and Muslim sects do, I can’t really be sure The Holy Spirit hasn’t hooked his lazy ass up with them somehow too. Man, if all religions could follow the lead of the Jews and just enjoy practicing their faith without ramming it down my fucking throat, I’d feel a whole lot better about humanity’s future.

I personally believe there is no such thing as a god or gods. I’m an a-theist or non believer in gods. I know many people do believe in them, but I do not. And that’s it. I don’t have faith there are no gods any more than I have faith a mermaid won’t show up tomorrow on the 6PM news saying hello to everyone. I highly fucking doubt it, but I’m not omnipotent. I simply see no evidence of anything other than human beings behaving like the creative wiz kids we are and making up magic stories to explain what we don’t understand. I actually think this trait is so inherent in Homo sapiens, and so intuitive, that it must have somehow helped us in becoming the dominant species on the planet. It was useful to get us here, but no more. Magic thinking of the gaps I call it. If we haven’t an answer to something that seems inexplicable to us at the moment, it is taken as proof that a god or aliens or witches, or the Illuminati, or some other all-powerful ‘something’ must responsible for its being. Added to this concept is a subtext which states, “Since we now have proof of this all-powerful ‘something’, it is useless to attempt to learn more about the nature of reality because it’s just not possible, or we may offend the all-powerful ‘something’ by seeking answers and burn forever for it.” Unlikely. Very unlikely.

Logic. Reason. Healthy Skepticism. And learning via the Scientific Method are counter intuitive ways of thinking for us. Our minds are genetically programmed to plug-in gaps with emotionally perceived truths and we would rather kill than admit these “truths” are often not true at all. I trust the scientific method. I don’t have blind faith in it. I trust it because the supporting evidence tells me to. Thank the stars I’m living today and not a thousand or even a hundred years ago. Through a system of scientific inquiry into the nature of the world by evidence demanding individuals throughout history, we have developed modern medicine, cars, planes, heating and air conditioning, showers, washing machines, etc., etc, etc. I like that science says,” It’s OK to not know. The fun is in the learning. Let’s try to understand how to make things better for ourselves and future generations.” I’ve absolutely no problem with people believing in gods or big foot, or aliens, or what ever else they believe in to make their lives less stressful. Just know that if you want me to believe something you say, you have to show me solid, empirical evidence as to why I should, and all-knowing smirks and eye rolls implying my stupidity do not count.