Wolverine To Play Jean Valjean In Yet Another Film Version Of Les Miserables

This Is How It's Done, Jackman!

This Is How It’s Done, Jackman!

Claiming his alter ego, Hugh Jackman, sucked in last year’s film adaptation of “Les Miserable,” Wolverine has been cast as Jean Valjean in yet another film version of the popular musical set to premier late next year.  “Jackman’s a pussy,” said Wolverine earlier.  “The dude works out and looks tough, but then he plays Jean Valjean like an emasculated little boy. I HAD to make this film, if for no other reason than to show him how HE should’ve done it.  There’s no friggin’ way that Javert is going to be pushing me around and forcing me into hiding.  I’m the best there is at what I do, Bub. And what I do best isn’t running away. It’s standing my ground and going toe-to-toe with my enemy.

Javert, I'm Ready When You Are

Javert, I’m Ready When You Are

People will get a confrontation scene in this movie that’s an actual CONFRONTATION, and, though I don’t want to give away too much, I will say there isn’t a suicide scene for Javert in this version because, well, he doesn’t need one.   Oh, that reminds me, for those of you who feel “Les Mis” is too sad and/or has too much singing, you’re going to love this new version.  Fantine, for example, is only ABOUT to be forced to sell her hair and teeth and to become a prostitute when a certain adamantium-clawed X-Man happens to arrive to save the day.  Fantine then sings a chipper, happier version of “I Dreamed A Dream” with these new lyrics: “I had a dream of Wolverine, of buff strong men and steely sinews. I had a dream my man would be, this superhero I am kissing!  I am so happy to exclaim!!! I am in love with Wolverine!!!”

This Time, Fantine, There'll Be No Tears

This Time, Fantine, There’ll Be No Tears

  If that doesn’t bring down the house, NOTHING will.  As well, all the songs sung by Marius and Cosette, especially the cheesy ones they sing to each other, have been cut. They will be replaced with extended flash back scenes of me fighting Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.  Less singing, more fighting, bigger box office, that’s what I’m bettin’ on.  I do have one show stopping song I sing though, and that’s a reworked version of “Bring Him Home.” I sing it right after I annihilate the entire French army while in the midst of a blinding berserker rage which threatens to consume me completely. The song helps calm me down, and it goes like this: “Professor X!!! Bring me peace! Bring me Joy (woman’s name). I am hot. Very hot. Girls like me. Like it or not! But Calm me down. Or I’m shot! Bring me girls, bring me babes, and calm me down! Calm me down. Let me rest.”  And of course I do calm down, marry Fantine, and we rule France together because I’ve killed the entire French ruling class by the time the movie ends. And that, Mr. Jackman, is how THAT is done!”

 

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9/11 Conspiracy Revealed As Conspiracy By Conspiracy Experts

 

conspiracy-theories-3x2Two conspiracy experts, who themselves are believed by conspiracy experts to be a conspiracy, revealed that conspiracy theorists now are postulating that 9/11 conspiracy theorists and so-called “Truthers” are themselves a conspiracy being used to cover up the truth behind the 9/11 conspiracy theories.  “What skeptics and idiots who demand evidence before accepting something as true don’t get is that there’s a huge conspiracy to cover up the truth which prevents them from accepting the very conspiracy that’s being used to cover up the truth,” said Philip Dumfuk, conspiracy expert.  “And the truth about 9/11 is that nothing happened on 9/11.  It’s a conspiracy that conspiracy theorists created to cover up the fact that nothing ever happens and none of us are really here. Everything is simply a conspiracy so Obama can prepare to reveal himself as an Asian women named Sally and join the circus. Take the fucking covers off your eyes and see the truth people before you become part of the problem and not part of the solution to unraveling the conspiracy problem which keeps the real conspiracy hidden from those not believing in it. I beg you to take this to heart before a conspiracy to not take it to heart engulfs your very soul.”

Texas And Florida Devoured By Giant Turkeys

Giant Turkeys Like These Devoured Florida And Texas

That Was Yummy!

A devastating blow against Christian Conservatives and Tea Party advocates alike was struck this morning when Giant Turkeys materialized simultaneously in Texas and Florida and completely devoured both states.  Nothing remains where the two states once stood but a light covering of Giant Turkey shit.  Before returning from whence they came, the leader of the Giant Turkeys, Mr. Gobble Yercock,  gave an insightful, informative interview to TACP’s editor ‘n chief, me.  The transcript of this interview, without any embellishment by TACP, is presented below.

TACP:  Let me begin, Mr. Gobble Yercock, by saying, what a fucking entrance! Yesterday no one knew Giant Turkeys even existed, and today, BAM! You’ve devoured both Texas and Florida and it isn’t even noon yet. Impressive, most impressive.

Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock

Giant Turkey Leader, Mr. Gobble Yercock

Gobble Yercock: Well, what can I say. We’re a dramatic entrance bunch, we Giant Turkeys. We specialize in the eradication of parasitic conservative vermin via consumption as soon as their presence becomes known to us.  We live in the realm between realms ( I had to write that) where all sentient beings work to ensure all sentient beings are treated as equal sentient beings.  We have a kick ass health care system, and we allow all beings to believe in whatever fantastic invisible deities they wish as long as they never once try to impose said deities onto anyone else not wishing to hear about them.

TACP: Does that really work?  I mean, here in America, we actually have the words “SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE” written into our Constitution, but in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

Gobble Yercock: Oh, it works because the only crime one can be sentenced to death for where I come from is the crime of forcing one’s faith onto another. Do that, and you die. Period. The act of forcing a mythological deity onto others produces a foul smell which transgresses the barriers of space and time. We’re rather sensitive to that smell. That’s why we ate Texas and Florida this morning. The Right Wing Christian Conservative stench drifting from those two states was so vile it drifted into the realm between realms and was making us sick.  We took care of that I’d say, eh? And we’re coming back for a few more U.S. states in a few weeks. Then it’ll be on to the Middle East for us. But first, we have to digest all the Conservative bullshit we swallowed this morning.

TACP: Sounds great. Well, have a great Thanksgiving, Mr. Gobble Yercock, and thanks for doing what you do.

Gobble Yercock: No problem. See you soon. Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!

Authors Of Christian Child Training Book Abducted By A-theist Sociopath

Smiles Are Not On The Faces Of The Children Murdered With This Book's Help

Children Have Been Murdered With The Help Of This Book

Micheal Pearl and his wife Debi, authors of the book, To Train Up A Child, which teaches discipline techniques used by several Christians recently found guilty of murdering their children, were abducted by an a-theist sociopath this afternoon while leaving a gay-bashing class at Christ’s Church of All Encompassing Love in White-ville, Kansas.  The a-theist sociopath, who says his name is Thomas Babyeater, gave a brief statement to the press just a few moments ago. “The Pearls are secured away in an area from which they can not escape. No one will ever be able to find them. They are entirely dependent upon me to supply them with everything they need to live, like children are upon their parents. And, like children, I know the Pearls will not behave as I want, when I want, without the proper training. The Pearls’ own book taught me this. So, I’m going to ‘Train Up’ the Pearls with a variety of torture techniques designed by Christians in the 13th century. These techniques will cause severe pain, limb loss, and perhaps blindness, but they will not cause loss of life. However, by the time I’m finished ‘training them up’, the Pearls may well wish they were dead. I will train them to beg me to whip them, fuck them, and hurt them in horrid disgusting ways. I will train them to insist I find farm animals to sodomize them. They will also learn to crave being fed their own vomit and piss for dinner. I will torture them without mercy, for decades if need be, until I’m convinced they’re my dog slaves without a trace of humanity left inside. Then I’ll kill them by feeding them alive to starving wild boars. I fucking hate parents who torture their kids, and I fucking hate Christian parents who do it even more. Idiot Christians who write books teaching other idiot Christians how to torture their own children can not suffer hard enough, or long enough, IMO. However, every effort made to make them suffer makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Amen”

Braveheart Lays Seige To Fred Phelps And Westboro Baptist Church

Braveheart Fucked Up Fred Phelps Bad

Braveheart Fucked Up Fred Phelps Bad

In a really unusual occurrence this morning, a wormhole opened up next to Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas.  Even more unusual was that William Wallace, aka Braveheart, stormed out of it on horseback, smashed the church to splinters, and castrated Mr Phelps with a dull butter knife.  He also sealed Mr Phelps’ testicles into his mouth with a rusty piece of chicken wire before cauterizing Phelps’ groin so he wouldn’t bleed out.

Brave Heart Cut Off Phelps' Balls Recently

Braveheart Cut Off Phelps’ Balls

He then tied Mr Phelps to a bench and had several barn yard animals sodomize him for several hours.   After releasing Mr. Phelps, Mr. Wallace re-entered the wormhole and it vanished.  Though no words were exchanged between the two men during this violent attack, Mr. Phelps screams could be heard up to a mile away, that is until his mouth was sewn shut with his testicles inside.   The end.

Jesus Accepts Role Of Batman After Ben Affleck Resigns In Tears

Tearful Ben Affleck Says Goodbye To Batman But Hello To Jesus

Tearful Ben Affleck Says Goodbye To Batman And Hello To Jesus

“I’m not going to play Batman after all,” said a tearful Ben Affleck this morning. ” I couldn’t take all the nasty things fans were saying about me online. I cried for days, my feelings were so hurt. So I went to church last night and asked Jesus for His advice on this matter. Then, in a great flash of light, He very unexpectedly appeared wearing a Batman mask. He said to me, ‘Fuck the fan boys, Ben! You’re an Academy Award winning director and a fine actor. You’ve also had sex with Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner. How many pathetic pimple-faced fan boys can ever dream of doing anything like that?’ Jesus than told me to resign the Batman role and that He Himself would play it. ‘I’ll send any fan boy who bitches about this straight to Hell. So tell ’em I’d better not hear or read anything but wonderful things about Me, or else! Oh, and tell Zak Snyder I’ve got a great male bonding scene in mind for Me and Henry Cavill to play. Have you seen that Cavill, Ben? He looks like a fucking Greek god. Smokin’ hot guy!’ Then Jesus vanished as quickly as He appeared. And I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me after He had.” Mr. Affleck then concluded by saying he was off to meet Matt Damon for their morning tea and biscuits and that the matter of him playing Batman was over.

Christ As Batman.

Christ As Batman.

King Herod To Host 2013 Annual Heaven/Hell Christmas Party

King Herod will be hosting the annual Heaven/Hell Christmas party/get together at his home in Topeka, Kansas next month. “To be honest, I’m surprised Jesus asked me to do this after last year’s fiasco,” Herod said.  “To make a long story short, after 4 Vodka martini’s each, Mao Tse Tung and I thought it would be hysterical to put John the Baptist’s severed head in Jesus’ bed with a note saying, ‘We made you an offer you couldn’t refuse’  like in the ‘Godfather’, you know.  Well, what we didn’t know was that Jesus, who’s got a great sense of humor, and God, who doesn’t have ANY, had switched rooms for the night.

God Gives Head He Found In Bed To Hotel Maid

God Gives Head He Found In Bed To Hotel Maid

Needless to say, there was a lot of yelling and screaming that went on when God crawled into bed that night.  Most everyone there blamed Hitler for it, cause, well, he’s a dick, but I’m positive Jesus knew it was Mao Tse Tung and me who did it. Guess his sense of humor is better than I thought since he’s asked me to host the party this year.  He’s cool like that.”