Tonight On Pontificator TV: Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, Starring Ken Ham

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, premiers tonight on Pontificator TV.   The show stars Ken Ham as Dracula, a vampire who, rather than sucking blood, sucks logic and reason out of his victims until they blindly follow him and his idiotic belief that the Earth is only 6000 years old and the Bible is the inerrant word of God.

Ken Ham IS Dracula

Ken Ham IS Dracula

As his nemesis, we have Neil deGrasse Tyson as Professor Abraham Van Helsing, a scientist so appalled by the idiocy of everything Dracula stands for he has dedicated his life to stopping him.

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Van Helsing

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Abraham Van Helsing

As Dracula’s slave and mindless minion, we have Bill Maher as Renfield.

Bill Maher IS Reinfield

Bill Maher IS Renfield

As the woman Dracula most wants to suck the reason from, we have The Virgin Mary as Mina Harker.

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula's Prey

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula’s Prey

Lastly, as the only weapon that can completely destroy Dracula and ruin his evil plan to suck humanity’s reason dry, we have a photo of Charles Darwin that was consecrated real by Carl Sagan in 1979.

Chuck Darwin's Photo IS The Antidote To Dracula's Bite

Charles Darwin’s Photo IS The Only Antidote To Dracula’s Bite

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, debuts tonight on Pontificator TV.  Watch it, or I’ll make fun of you.  Imperious Rex!

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Creationist Proves Science Full Of Poo-Poo

Immaterial City, Louisianan.     In stunning news today, Creationist and boys gym instructor, Arnold B. Crappin released a statement saying he’s proven science is stupid and only an idiot would think otherwise.  “Science is not only the tool of Satan,” Mr. B. Crappin said this morning, “it’s an outright fabricated bunch of poo-poo.  I have undeniable proof of this in the fabricated, photo-shopped pictures of “Pluto” NASA has recently released.  NASA claims a spacecraft swooped by Pluto and took the picture below.

Photo-Shopped Picture Of An Egg NASA Claims Is Pluto

Photo-Shopped Picture Of An Egg NASA Claims To Be “Pluto”

Creationism has finally found the last nail to drive into the casket of the stupid bologna known as science.  The above picture is so OBVIOUSLY fake, it is almost laughable.  It is very clearly a photo-shopped, and badly photo-shopped at that, picture of an egg that the ding-bats at NASA want us to believe is Pluto.   Do they REALLY expect normal, intelligent Christians to believe a “spacecraft” flew through space for nine years to take this picture?  How bloody stupid do they think we are?  Not even God could create a ship that could do that.  It is just ignorant and rude to think otherwise.

As final proof the pictures NASA is releasing are fake, I present the following photograph of the REAL Pluto.

The Real Pluto

The Real Pluto

Oopszilla, NASA!  You’ve been caught with your lying pants down this time.  EVERYONE knows the REAL Pluto is Mickey Mouse’s dog and lives with him in Disney Land, not a planetoid floating around in space billions of miles away.  The evidence I’ve presented here is irrefutable proof that science is a lie and full of poo-poo.  If you think otherwise, well….well, you’re a stupid, unimaginative atheist.  ‘Nuff said.”

Search For Terrestrial Intelligence Program Launched By Ken Ham

Ken Ham Shows His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Ken Ham Shows Off His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Hollow Skull, Kentucky.  Creationist and founder of the highly intelligent Creation Museum in Kentucky, Ken Ham, announced today he is sponsoring a Search For Terrestrial Intelligence program in order to find the few intelligent people on Earth who realize the Bible is, word for word, undeniably true, and Jesus is our true Lord and Savior who loves everyone equally whilst hating fags.  “I just know in my highly intelligent mind that there are other people out there who are as intelligent as I am,” Mr. Ham said earlier today.   “I’ve come up with a test to give people to see which ones are intelligent and which are stupid, dumb-dumb heads.  It’s a test I call the Search For Terrestrial Intelligence.  It consists of three simple questions which are as follows: 1.) Are you intelligent enough to recognize the great intelligence I, Ken Ham, possess?  2.) Are you intelligent enough to understand the Bible is absolutely, word for word, correct? And, lastly, 3.) Do you accept the fact that if you answered ‘no’ to either of the first two questions you’ve proven yourself to be an unintelligent poo-poo head and an evil atheist?  This test will weed out the dumb-dumbs from those brilliant enough to realize my superior intellect.  The test will also help Jesus sort through the idiots who didn’t believe in my intelligence come judgement day.  It will also help me and my followers know who to hate much more clearly.  So, if you think you’re intelligent, take the test and prove it.  Otherwise, I, and Jesus, will just assume you’re a stupid poo-poo face.”

Creationist Scientist Discovers Animals From Noah’s Ark

Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals On His Ark?

Is This Where Noah Set Free The Animals From His Ark?

Snorkelville, California.  Dr. Dinkel “Dickie” Smalls, a Creationist Scientist, claims to have discovered the animals that Noah released from his Ark in the Biblical story. “Amazing,” said Dr. Smalls, “but as I was walking through something called ‘The San Diego Zoo’ yesterday, I noticed all sorts of animals were in it. There were lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh, my! And there were elephants, too! What are the probabilities of all these unique animals being in this one place if Noah hadn’t released them there? Zero, I tell you. Zero. This is proof, once and for all, that the Bible is a literal telling of reality, and all those not believing in it are silly goose eggs who will one day fry in the hell created for them by our All-loving God. Amen.”

Meet Gus O’Pinon, The Opinionated Guy

Gus O'pinion Gives His Opinion On Apple Collecting

Gus O’pinon Giving His Opinion On Apple Collecting

Howdy y’all. My name is Gus O’pinon and I gots me a ‘pinion on ever’thin’ there is, wus, or ever’s gonna be. I gots me a 5th grade edjucashun to back it all up, too. I been dishin’ out ‘pinions ever since my momma squeezed me outta ‘er ‘gina in a Fort Wayne, Indiana, tool shed 47 year’ ago. Matter ‘o fact, my momma tol’ me I said my firs’ words the minute I come outta ‘er: “Fer Chris’ sake,” I said, “dat wus a helluva trip!” So grab a brew, sit yerself back, and relax. I’m gonna give y’all some ‘o my more pop’lar ‘pinions on things, and my ‘pinion on that is, yer gonna love it.

                                                          ‘Pinions

1.) Global warming: If yer friggin’ globe is gettin’ warm, put da dang thing in yer fridge fer a few hours ta cool it off. Don’t make no damn sense t’all why so many people worry ’bout somethin’ dats so easy ta fix. Aint thinkin’ is all. Silly.

2.) The Tea Party: Now ‘eres a batch ‘o knuckleheads if I’d ever seen ’em. Group of folk havin’ a dang party jus’ ta drink tea?! Fer Chris’ sake, how dumb kin ya be? If yer gonna have a god dang party and not be drinkin’ whiskey, then ya ain’t havin’ a real party, and I’m dang happy y’all didn’t invite me. Again, what’s the fuss all ’bout? These folk are BORIN’! Dats all I gots ta say on dat.

3.) Gay Marriage: Hell, my Uncle Jody dated a billy-goat named Sally for 16 years. He was da happiest man I ever knowed, too. People dat are all grewed up knows what makes ’em happy. Ain’t none ‘o our biz’ness ta tellz people who ta love and who ta marry. Dats dat. God dang it all!

4.) Legalized Marijuana: I been smokin’ weed ever since my momma ‘n me started growin’ it to supplement our moonshine sellin’ when I was no more ‘n 7. I say keep it illegal ta sell ’cause dat way, momma ‘n me kin keep on makin’ all the money we makes sellin’ it. Ain’t no fool gonna git from us what he kin git in a drug store all legal like. Git my meanin’?

5.) Evolution vs Creationism: Anybody ‘volved enough ta read da damn Bible outta be smart ’nuff ta see it don’t make no damn sense a’tall ta believe what der readin’ is meant ta be takin’ literal like. Some dang idjits just can’t not be idjits. I’d rather talk ta a skeeter dats bitin’ me than one ‘o those creation types. Idjits. The whole lot of ’em are gosh dang idjits. And dat is all I gots ta say on dat. I’ll be back ta give y’all more ‘o my ‘pinions in a week or so. ‘Bye fer now.

 

 

 

 

Creationists More Full Of Bullshit Than Real Bulls, Says Bullshit Expert

Bigotland, Indiana.  Bullshit expert and head of The University of Chicago’s, That’s A Fuckin’ Lie And You Know It department, Professor Vivian V. Agina, said today that Creationists are literally more full of bullshit than real bulls.

Jesus The Creationist

Jesus The Creationist

“My department conducted a two-year research project to determine if the shit Creationists espouse could in any way be measured against the shit in the intestines of real bulls,” Professor V. Agina said. “And sure enough, we determined it could be. We had individual Creationists stand on a platform next to which a constipated, real bull also stood. The bulls were secured behind a steel gate keeping the Creationists safe from any physical harm. The bulls, however, could still hear clearly everything spoken around them. We then asked the Creationists to describe for us their literal reading of Genesis as well as several other readings from the Bible which they took to be literally true. In test after test, each time the Creationists began their diatribe on the literal accuracy of the Bible, the bulls began to violently charge at the gate keeping them from the Creationists. In addition to this, each and every bull violently released the contents of its constipated intestines just as each Creationist began to explain that Noah’s Ark was not a story, but literally true. Needless to say, the bullshit from the real bulls ran out LONG before the bullshit coming from the mouths of the Creationists.

Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas

Creationists Are Great Bull Enemas

Thus, we have determined with absolute scientific accuracy, that not only do they make excellent bull enemas, Creationists are far more full of bullshit than real bulls, even severely constipated ones.”

Internet Stud PZ Myers Joins Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs

Fox News reporter, Phil O’Shite, reported this morning that internet super-stud, and former Pro Jello-Wrestler, PZ Myers has joined The Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs being spear-headed by Creationist and Abe Lincoln look-a-like, Ken Ham.

Ken, Abe Lincoln, Ham

Abe Lincoln Look-a-like, Ken Ham

“If this story is confirmed, it will make the first Moon Landing, in comparison, seem like one of those Jewish holidays Christians can never remember the name of,” said O’Shite. “The odds of something like this happening are so astronomically large, no one thought it worth the time to actually calculate them. And yet, here we are on the brink of having dinosaurs once again walk the planet. For if these two giants of the human intellect can’t find a way to send a breathing T-Rex into every Christian school in the country for a little show and tell, no one can. While we’re awaiting an official announcement from President Obama on this, let me provide a bit of background information on these two Hercules-like studs for the reader.

 

Dinosaur Revivalist, PZ Myers

Dinosaur Revivalist, PZ Myers

PZ Myers has had a few publicly embarrassing occurrences come his way in recent years, his abrupt, dramatic departure from a Skeptic movement no one knew existed, and his unsubstantiated claims to have had sexual encounters with female Yeti’s being but two of them. Ken Ham, as well, has had his struggles since coming to the States from Australia. His pet kangaroo, and body-guard, Lamont, has been pulled over for multiple DUI’s since arriving, causing Ken a great deal of frustration and shame, and just recently some idiot on the internet said he was going to eat him for Christmas dinner just to get a sick, cheap laugh from the few diseased minds out there who think cannibal humor is funny. So this joint venture to perform what is tantamount to a miracle is just what these two boys needed right about now. Still no word from the White House, so let me explain how dinosaur revival is expected to work.

First, Ken and PZ will crawl up to the edge of our very flat Earth; then, PZ will hold Ken upside down by his ankles so he can reach underneath the Earth to find, and remove, some dinosaur bones. These bones will then be place in a very special container, shaped like miniature Noah’s Arks, and filled with water. The miniature Arks will be placed in an empty parking lot near PZ’s house, and Ken will pray over them for God to allow the water within them to rehydrate the dinosaur bones back into living dinosaurs within 2 weeks, give or take a day. Sounds like a flawless plan to this Fox reporter, who just got word that not only has President Obama confirmed this story, he also has confirmed that Evolutionist, Richard Dawkins, has joined the Flat Earth/Creationist Movement to Revive The Dinosaurs.

 Earth Is Flat As A Pancake, Says Dinosaur Reviver, Richard Dawkins

Earth Is Flat As A Pancake, Says Dinosaur Reviver, Richard Dawkins

Apparently, PZ and Ken convinced Mr. Dawkins, with ease, that the Earth was only 6000 years old and flat. But Mr. Dawkins was unwilling to fully commit himself to the dinosaur revival mission until the three men could come to an agreement on just HOW flat the Earth, indeed, was. Ken Ham sealed the deal with Dawkins when he suggested the Earth was as flat as a ‘pancake,’ and Dawkins replied, ‘Who could argue with that?’ So stay tuned, folks, for news about when the dinosaurs first become revived. There can be no doubt it will happen, and soon, now that Dawkins’ genius has been added to that of Ham’s and Myers’.”