Other Things Jesus Said

Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible.  However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about.  Here are but a few.

1.)  “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts.   They’re giving me a rash when I wear them.  Please take these back and redo them.  I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it.  I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow.   OK?'”  Matthew 8: 14-17

2.)  “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together.  Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'”  Mark 9: 23-24

3.)  “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh?  I like that name.  I also find you to be very beautiful.  I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates.   I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together?  Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'”  John 3: 21-24

4.)  “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey!  A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot!  These Roman made sandals are for sh%t!  I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers.  The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'”  Luke 2: 45-47

5.)   “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T!  I really didn’t think this was actually going to work!  WTF do I do now?!  Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own.  I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you!  I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor.  Maybe he can sew you together.  See ya’ around, pal.  I gotta run, very fast and very far.'”  Mark 5: 38-40

 

 

 

 

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Jesus Breaks Up Brew-Ha-Ha At Annual Heaven/Hell Labor Day Picnic

Here’s an oldie but goody from a few years back.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

At the annual Heaven and Hell Labor Day Picnic yesterday, Jesus, the Lamb of God, broke up a nasty verbal exchange between the father of Judaism, Abraham, and the scourge of the Jewish people, Adolph Hitler. “That son of a bitch!”, Abraham stated after the incident. “He was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at me every time he got near me. I’ve told Jesus many times that Adolph is just not “good people” and shouldn’t be allowed at these get togethers we have. The same thing happened at the Christmas party last year and I kept my cool. But I told Jesus if it happened again I was going cuss the bastard out. So I did. And guess what? Jesus gets pissed at ME cause I told Hitler to go fuck himself. I shouldn’t cuss, Jesus says to me. Try to be more understanding, He says. Learn to forgive, He says. Not…

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10 Lesser Known Sayings Of Christ

10.)  Always shop on the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, not Black Friday.  There are fewer people shopping then, and all the same sales are still in place.

09.)  I ordered this steak well done.  Take it back and do it right or I’ll turn you into a toad.   Naw, stop shakin’.  I’m just f**kin’ with ya’.

08.)   Yes, I was the one who allowed the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016.

07.)  If anyone spoils the plot to the new Star Wars movie for me before I see it, I’m sending ’em straight to Hell.

06.)   Donald Trump was my Pop’s idea of a mean joke.  I’ve had about enough of it already.  You?

05.)   No matter what you’ve read or where you’ve read it, snakes do not, can not, and never did, talk.

04.)  If your father ever asks you to be crucified so that other people’s sins can be forgiven, tell ’em to go f**k himself.

03.)  Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.

02.)   If anyone sees Lazarus walking about, tell him to pay me the 60 grand he owes me.  What, did you think I brought people back from the dead for free?

01.)   Wish I could tell y’all otherwise, but having lots of money really does make life much easier.

A Brief Word From Jesus

Jesus

Hey all, Jesus here.   Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia.   First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes.  I’m black and I’m proud, folks.  Get it right.  Please.   And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them?  Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK?  STOP IT!!!  Man, that sh*t disgusts me.   Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear?  You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me?  Cut it out, already.   Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine.   Is that too hard to do?

Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally.  ARE YOU NUTS?!  It’s 2017 for My Own sake!  Get a f**kin’ education.  Yeah, it’s hard.   Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.  Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive.   It’s easier to live that way.  OK?  Now, bugger off.  It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.

Biblical Mugshots

Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.

1.)

Satan: Arrested In 4000 BC For “Grabbing Women By The Pussy ‘Cause I’m Famous.”

2.)

St. Peter: Arrested In 34 AD For Shouting Anti-Semitic Slurs At A Group Of Rabbis In Jerusalem.

3.)

Judas: Arrested In 30 AD For Having Sex With Pontius Pilate’s Wife.

4.)

Virgin Mary: Arrested In 29 AD For Telling A Deli Owner She Didn’t Have To Pay For Her Bagel Because She Was ” The Virgin Mother Of The One, True God.”

5.)

Jesus: Arrested In 31 AD For Accidentally Turning All The Water At A 7 Year Old’s Birthday Party Into Wine.

Things Jesus Said On The Cross

OUCH!

1.) F$$k, this hurts!

2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes.  ANTS!  Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.

3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!

4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.

5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose.  Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.

6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine?  F$$k you!  Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!

7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump?  You all just f$$ked yourselves.

8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.

9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all.  So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross.  I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

10.) Patricide.  It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman

 

aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.