A Brief Word From Jesus

Jesus

Hey all, Jesus here.   Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia.   First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes.  I’m black and I’m proud, folks.  Get it right.  Please.   And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them?  Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK?  STOP IT!!!  Man, that sh*t disgusts me.   Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear?  You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me?  Cut it out, already.   Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine.   Is that too hard to do?

Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally.  ARE YOU NUTS?!  It’s 2017 for My Own sake!  Get a f**kin’ education.  Yeah, it’s hard.   Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.  Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive.   It’s easier to live that way.  OK?  Now, bugger off.  It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.

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Biblical Mugshots

Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.

1.)

Satan: Arrested In 4000 BC For “Grabbing Women By The Pussy ‘Cause I’m Famous.”

2.)

St. Peter: Arrested In 34 AD For Shouting Anti-Semitic Slurs At A Group Of Rabbis In Jerusalem.

3.)

Judas: Arrested In 30 AD For Having Sex With Pontius Pilate’s Wife.

4.)

Virgin Mary: Arrested In 29 AD For Telling A Deli Owner She Didn’t Have To Pay For Her Bagel Because She Was ” The Virgin Mother Of The One, True God.”

5.)

Jesus: Arrested In 31 AD For Accidentally Turning All The Water At A 7 Year Old’s Birthday Party Into Wine.

Things Jesus Said On The Cross

OUCH!

1.) F$$k, this hurts!

2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes.  ANTS!  Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.

3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!

4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.

5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose.  Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.

6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine?  F$$k you!  Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!

7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump?  You all just f$$ked yourselves.

8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.

9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all.  So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross.  I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

10.) Patricide.  It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.

 

Happy Valentine’s Day From Aquaman

 

aqua jesus

Hi peeps.  Aquaman here.  I’ve come by to wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day from under the deep, blue sea.   I know what you’re all thinking, “Aquaman, what the f##k’s up with that long-ass beard and those shades?”  Well, let me tell you.  I grew this beard in order to attract these tiny crab-like crustaceans that my girlfriend, Mera, loves to eat.  I give them to her as a Valentine’s Day gift practically every year.  Here’s how it works.  I simply lay back on the ocean floor and thousands of the little buggers crawl up into my beard.  Then, because they often spit venom in your face when disturbed, I put on these sexy-ass shades to protect my eyes, stand up, and comb my beard out over a huge, empty snail-shell.  Once the shell is filled with the critters, I smash the f##k out of them with my powerful trident, spread them onto some sandwich bread, and bring them to my love, Mera, to eat.   She absolutely loves ’em!  Well, I’m off to catch me some crustaceans.  Have a great V-Day, y’all.

Bible Quotes Republicans Love

bible4-9

1.)  “And upon learning that the sickest people in the village had no health insurance, Jesus refused to heal them and they died.”  John 22:4-5

2.)  “After turning the water into wine, Jesus proceeded to grab all the women at the wedding by the pussy because, well, because he was famous, and they could do nothing to stop him.”  Luke 44:8-9

3.)  “Jesus then created a welfare system in which the wealthiest members of society were given free handouts and tax breaks by the Government whilst the poorest members were allowed to suffer in poverty and die.”  Mark 3:67-69

4.)  “Jesus said to the stranger, ‘I cast you out because your skin is of a different hue and you speak with a weird accent.’  After he did this, there was great rejoicing amongst the people.”  Matthew 32:67-69

5.)  “And there shall come a time when King Putin will so completely have his rectum licked by a childish orange oaf that he shall do all in his power to aid the orange oaf into becoming King of his own land.”  Revelation 7:43-45

Things Jesus Shoulda Said

1.)  Come near me with that cross and nails and I’ll turn all of you motherf**kers into newts.

2.)  Hey, Judas!  You’re goin’ to Hell, and I literally mean, like, right now.  You pr*ck.

3.)  I ordered this steak RARE!!!  For My Own sake, if this is gonna be my last meal, I want it how I ordered it.  Take this burnt piece of sh*t back and bring me what I ordered.

4.)  Mary Magdalen, trust me, there’s no way you can get pregnant.  It’s impossible for me to impregnate anyone unless I come in the guise of a bird.  Do I look like a f**ckin’ bird to you?!

5.)  Hey, Innkeeper, I hear when my moms and pops came by here to give birth to me you said you had no room and sent ’em to stay in a flea-ridden manger to have me.  I hope you like the smell of horse sh*t cause as of today you’re gonna be covered in it for all eternity.  A**hole.

6.)  Good thing about walkin’ on water is it keeps the bottoms of your feet REALLY clean.

7.)  So, I turned about 200 gallons of water into wine for you nice folks.  That’ll cost ya’, now let me see…800 dollars.  I take Visa, Master Card, and Discover.

8.)  Yeah, my pops is a real d*ck.  He sent me down here thinkin’ I was gonna let the Romans nail my a** to a cross.  Like, right, dude, that’s gonna happen.  Blow me.

9.)  Thomas, if you try to stick your godd*mn fingers into my side one more time, I’m gonna b**ch slap you into next week.

10.)  Peter, I gotta go, dude.  If you want, you can carry on and spread my message to other people:  “Party hardy, folks!  You only live once.”  But, please, Peter, if you do it, don’t f*ck it up by changing it, OK?

 

Jesus Says He’s Really Liam Neeson

Jesus Praying For An Academy Award Earlier This Year

Jesus Praying For An Academy Award Earlier This Year

Communion Wafer Villa, Italy.    Jesus announced earlier today that he is really Liam Neeson.   “Yeah, I’ve been Liam Neeson for several millennia now,” Jesus said.  “I didn’t want to say anything about it sooner because I didn’t think anyone would believe me, much less care.  But, I’ve got a Martin Scorsese directed movie, Silence, coming out in December, and I figured if people knew I was really Liam Neeson, the chances of it being nominated for a few Academy Awards would greatly increase.   Let me put it this way: I’ve got the power to send members of the Academy to either Heaven or Hell.  If they give my film a few Academy Awards, and I’ll send ’em to Heaven.  If they don’t, I’ll send ’em to Hell.  It’s that simple.   Gotta run now, I’ve got a few re-shoots to do, and Mr. Scorsese hates it when I’m late.”