10.) Always shop on the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, not Black Friday. There are fewer people shopping then, and all the same sales are still in place.
09.) I ordered this steak well done. Take it back and do it right or I’ll turn you into a toad. Naw, stop shakin’. I’m just f**kin’ with ya’.
08.) Yes, I was the one who allowed the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016.
07.) If anyone spoils the plot to the new Star Wars movie for me before I see it, I’m sending ’em straight to Hell.
06.) Donald Trump was my Pop’s idea of a mean joke. I’ve had about enough of it already. You?
05.) No matter what you’ve read or where you’ve read it, snakes do not, can not, and never did, talk.
04.) If your father ever asks you to be crucified so that other people’s sins can be forgiven, tell ’em to go f**k himself.
03.) Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.
02.) If anyone sees Lazarus walking about, tell him to pay me the 60 grand he owes me. What, did you think I brought people back from the dead for free?
01.) Wish I could tell y’all otherwise, but having lots of money really does make life much easier.