Phake News City, New Hampshire. In stunning and miraculous news today a photograph of the newly born Christ child was found in a bathroom in a Denny’s restaurant in Jerusalem by a tourist named Betty Grabmacrotch. “I was squatting over a disgustingly dirty toilet to pee,” Ms. Grabmacrotch said earlier today, “when I noticed an odd looking piece of paper sticking out of the toilet paper dispensary. When I pulled it out, I heard the sound of a thousand angels singing, and several toilets flushing, and, I swear this is true, the paper literally vibrated in my hand as I touched it. When I looked down at it, I immediately knew I was looking at a picture of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the day of his birth. I knew this was true because of how beautiful the child was in the picture and because I heard angels singing when I pulled it out of the dispensary. Yes, I know photography was not around at the time of Christ’s birth, but we are dealing here with JESUS and the laws of time and space have no bearing on him or on those who believe in him. Also, the child in this photo is so beautiful, so lovely, so radiant with love, empathy, joy, and peace, it can be of no one else but Jesus on the day of his birth. Just look at it and tell me it can be anything BUT that!” The photo below is the picture Ms. Grabmacrotch found in the bathroom. Look at it, and decide for yourself whether or not it is, indeed, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the day of his birth. $Amen$
MAGA Town, North Dakota. Once again, as he has 6 times in the past, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ has allowed the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl. The Pats, led by Christ-lover, Tom Brady, beat the L.A. Rams yesterday by the score of 13 to 3. What can we, as Americans and Christians, learn from this event? Well, we can learn this: without a deep belief in Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and without repeated, heart-felt prayers to Jesus, it isn’t possible to win a Super Bowl, or any sporting event for that matter. No matter what you may hear or believe, know that without the support of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Patriots would not have won yesterday. Obviously, they prayed to him harder than the Rams did, and, also obviously, talent, consistency, and great play had nothing to do with their victory. It is ONLY because Jesus WANTED them to win that they did. It is also painfully obvious that Jesus did not want the Rams to win. Or else they would’ve. Simple.
See kiddies, it’s that easy. Pray to Jesus. Love him. Worship him, and, if you do all those things correctly, you can win a Super Bowl. Talent be damned! Without Jesus, winning the Super Bowl isn’t possible. Just ask the Rams who, today, should be holding their heads in shame and asking themselves, “What exactly did we do to piss off Jesus so much that he didn’t let us win?” They didn’t pray as hard as the Patriots. That is THE only acceptable and reasonable answer here. Screw practice. Screw talent. Prayer to Jesus wins ball games. Period. If you think I’m wrong, just ask the Rams. $Amen$
Most people are familiar with many of the sayings attributed to Jesus found in the bible. However, there are many other sayings of Jesus in the bible that very few people, probably only me, know about. Here are but a few.
1.) “And Christ said unto the woman at the cleaners, ‘Look, Ms. Hecklenjoker, I told you last time, you’re using too much starch in my shirts. They’re giving me a rash when I wear them. Please take these back and redo them. I’ve got a wedding to go to on Sunday (God, I hope they’ve got enough wine for it. I LOVE wine) so I’d appreciate it if you did this by tomorrow. OK?'” Matthew 8: 14-17
2.) “Then Christ said to Peter, “Peter, this is most likely the LAST supper we will ever have together. Are you certain you don’t want to share that last piece of pie with me?'” Mark 9: 23-24
3.) “While he was in Heaven awaiting his return to life after being crucified, Jesus said to the young woman seated next to him in the movie theater, ‘So, your name’s Mary, eh? I like that name. I also find you to be very beautiful. I know a great little Mexican place located about 6 blocks west of the Pearly Gates. I have some people to WOW back on Earth with my resurrection in a day or so, but when I get back, how’s about you and I go have a burrito and a few margaritas there together? Gimme your cell, and I’ll text you when I’m back.'” John 3: 21-24
4.) “While walking around Galilee with his apostles, Christ suddenly grabbed his foot in pain and shouted, ‘Son of a f%ckin’ donkey! A god d%mned stone got into my sandal and cut my foot! These Roman made sandals are for sh%t! I’m taking these back and from now on, I’m only buying sandals made by Jewish shoe cobblers. The quality is, by far, superior to this Roman sh%t!'” Luke 2: 45-47
5.) “After raising Lazarus from the dead, Christ said unto him, ‘HOLY F%CKIN’ SH%T! I really didn’t think this was actually going to work! WTF do I do now?! Lazarus, my friend, (Damn, bro, you stink) I’m sorry, but you’re on your own. I mean, ya’ got, like, body parts startin’ to fall off, and ya’ got maggots crawlin’ all over you! I don’t know, take a shower or somethin’ an go see a doctor. Maybe he can sew you together. See ya’ around, pal. I gotta run, very fast and very far.'” Mark 5: 38-40
Here’s an oldie but goody from a few years back.
At the annual Heaven and Hell Labor Day Picnic yesterday, Jesus, the Lamb of God, broke up a nasty verbal exchange between the father of Judaism, Abraham, and the scourge of the Jewish people, Adolph Hitler. “That son of a bitch!”, Abraham stated after the incident. “He was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at me every time he got near me. I’ve told Jesus many times that Adolph is just not “good people” and shouldn’t be allowed at these get togethers we have. The same thing happened at the Christmas party last year and I kept my cool. But I told Jesus if it happened again I was going cuss the bastard out. So I did. And guess what? Jesus gets pissed at ME cause I told Hitler to go fuck himself. I shouldn’t cuss, Jesus says to me. Try to be more understanding, He says. Learn to forgive, He says. Not…
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10.) Always shop on the Wednesday after Thanksgiving, not Black Friday. There are fewer people shopping then, and all the same sales are still in place.
09.) I ordered this steak well done. Take it back and do it right or I’ll turn you into a toad. Naw, stop shakin’. I’m just f**kin’ with ya’.
08.) Yes, I was the one who allowed the Cubs to win the World Series in 2016.
07.) If anyone spoils the plot to the new Star Wars movie for me before I see it, I’m sending ’em straight to Hell.
06.) Donald Trump was my Pop’s idea of a mean joke. I’ve had about enough of it already. You?
05.) No matter what you’ve read or where you’ve read it, snakes do not, can not, and never did, talk.
04.) If your father ever asks you to be crucified so that other people’s sins can be forgiven, tell ’em to go f**k himself.
03.) Churches would be far holier if they actually paid taxes.
02.) If anyone sees Lazarus walking about, tell him to pay me the 60 grand he owes me. What, did you think I brought people back from the dead for free?
01.) Wish I could tell y’all otherwise, but having lots of money really does make life much easier.
Hey all, Jesus here. Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia. First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes. I’m black and I’m proud, folks. Get it right. Please. And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them? Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK? STOP IT!!! Man, that sh*t disgusts me. Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear? You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me? Cut it out, already. Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine. Is that too hard to do?
Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally. ARE YOU NUTS?! It’s 2017 for My Own sake! Get a f**kin’ education. Yeah, it’s hard. Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it. Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive. It’s easier to live that way. OK? Now, bugger off. It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.
Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.