At the annual Heaven and Hell Labor Day Picnic yesterday, Jesus, the Lamb of God, broke up a nasty verbal exchange between the father of Judaism, Abraham, and the scourge of the Jewish people, Adolph Hitler. “That son of a bitch!”, Abraham stated after the incident. “He was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at me every time he got near me. I’ve told Jesus many times that Adolph is just not “good people” and shouldn’t be allowed at these get togethers we have. The same thing happened at the Christmas party last year and I kept my cool. But I told Jesus if it happened again I was going cuss the bastard out. So I did. And guess what? Jesus gets pissed at ME cause I told Hitler to go fuck himself. I shouldn’t cuss, Jesus says to me. Try to be more understanding, He says. Learn to forgive, He says. Not everyone can bloody forgive people WHILE they’re nailing you to a cross, I said to Him! Some of us are human!!! Dude just handed me a Vodka tonic, patted my head, and smiled. That’s Jesus for you. He did, at least, send Hitler back to Hell without dessert, so He does have SOME sense of justice in Him. Thank God.”
The concept of Grace used to come up quite often during my 15 years of formal Catholic education, but I’ve retained little of what I learned about it back then. So I recently decided to re-enlighten myself on the subject by reading what the Catholic Church and one or two other Christian denominations had to say about it. In all honesty, if I hadn’t already been an a-theist, I’d have become one based solely upon what I read. Though there are subtle semantic differences to how, say, Lutherans and Catholics define “grace”, the basic premise, and one I find deeply insulting, is fundamentally the same. Because of Adam and Eve’s original disgusting sin, little ‘ol me and you were born into this world with our immortal souls awash in filth, evil, debauchery, and contempt for God, our Master. It is only by the “grace” of this same benevolent and all-loving Master that the rancid stench of insipid evil can be bleached from our souls and save us from an eternity of burning agony in Hell.
Our Master sending his beloved son, Jesus, to be brutally tortured and crucified on our behaves is the only “grace” needed to save us, according to some Christian doctrines. Others claim we must more actively earn the Master’s “grace” through obtaining sacraments and verbally abusing gays, Jews, and Democrats. Even others say we have the Master’s “grace” and are saved, or we don’t, and will burn. Period. We won’t know which, until we die and awake either burning in Hell or having amazing oral sex performed on us by the person or persons we most want performing oral sex on us in Heaven.
I find such beliefs to be immoral, repugnant, anti-human, and personally offensive. I am not evil and I do not require a made up creature to give me “grace” for anything. Such thinking, in my completely honest opinion, is at the core of man’s inhumanity toward man. This includes all forms of child abuse, rape, war, torture, and poverty. Human beings are not born stained. It is doctrines like those describing “grace” that stain the collective human consciousness with a guilt it neither deserves, nor needs. We are all there is of us. No god or grace from a god is needed to save anyone. We are important to ourselves because we are here. And if tomorrow we are not here, there will be no one to notice, much less care. We truly are THAT unimportant to the universe.
When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.
“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first few hours. Elvis got Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison to sing ‘Heart Break Hotel’ with him at one point, and it totally kicked ass! However, as has happened once too often now, the bloody Nazis just couldn’t resist the temptation to pick on famous Old Testament Jews.
From what I could gather, Joseph Mengele apparently thought it would be knee-slappingly hilarious to tape a big swastika onto the back of the Prophet Isiah who’d, once again, drunk himself into a stupor and passed out, face first, on one of the buffet tables. No one noticed it at first, but then Hitler saw it and let out a laugh so loud it shook the windows. This woke Isiah who quickly reached behind his back and removed the swastika. He then let fly a series of X-rated superlatives so crude even soldiers in the midst of battle couldn’t match them. This, of course, only provoked Hitler to more laughter, which, in turn, motivated a nearby Noah to punch Hitler in the face. Hitler then fell backward onto the floor, right in front of Gerald Ford, who, of course, tripped over him and fall into the door of a nearby broom closet producing a loud, BANG! The door swung open to reveal a very startled JFK with his pants down and his snoodle up the doodle of Marilyn Monroe. To add more fuel to the fire, Jackie O happened to be sitting at a table directly across from all this flirting with Genghis Khan. When she saw Kennedy and Monroe together, she grabbed the sword Genghis Khan had next to him and charged the broom closet. I was just coming back into the building with Jim Morrison, we were out back smoking a pipe during all this, when Jackie O started her charge.
Immediately, I froze time, I’m God, I can do shit like that, and took the sword from her before unfreezing it. Then I held her in a bear hug until she calmed enough for me to trust she wouldn’t kill anyone. I then spent the next several hours sorting out what the hell happened. Once I had, I made Mengele apologize to Isiah for acting like such a, well, Nazi, and explained to Noah that, even though Hitler is evil incarnate, it was wrong to strike him. We simply have to be better than that. Anyway, after that, I came here to chill and think for a while. I’ve decided Heaven and Hell will celebrate holidays separately from now on. I’m just getting too damn old for this kinda shit.” The end.
Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.
Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.” I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.
She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’
So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’ She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’
No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers. You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”
And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!
I am the Reverend Johnny Edmonds. And I come before you today to tell you that YOU are but haters in the hands of a HATEFUL God! For YOU are but hateful and ugly creatures in His eyes. God HATES you, and His hatred of you fills Him completely. He hates you because YOU dare to hate in His name.
YOU are hanging, my brothers and sisters, hanging like spiders on thinning webs over the eternal flames of Hell. The Hell which God has made for you out of His hatred for you. And the tiny webs from which your sick, spidery bodies dangle are melting. Melting from God’s HATRED of YOU. You are all haters in the hands of a hateful God. And YOU will burn for all eternity. Burn in a Hell of God’s hatred of you because YOU dare to hate in His name. Yes,YOU! YOU, who hate those who are different from you, and who persecute them for those differences in HIS Holy Name! He HATES you. YOU, who say it is HE who tells you your hate is justified. Justified by the nonsensical writings of old, dead fools, in ancient decrypted texts which you cling to like baby sheep to their dead mother’s teets. Know you this: those old, dead fools, like YOU, are hated by God! And they now burn in a Hell of God’s HATRED. A Hell YOU too will burn in soon. You will burn in it for your BLIND self-loving ways. And you will burn in it for having the audacity to think YOU know the will of God. It is YOU He HATES! YOU who blasphemies in HIS name! YOU. You who He will torture for all eternity in the FIRES of the Hell He’s created for you.
YOU whose flesh will bubble from your bones over, and over, and over, and over, and over again for ALL time in the HELL of God’s HATE for YOU! You will feel the HATE of the ALMIGHTY soon, my brothers and sisters. For soon He will breathe HIS hate-filled damnation on you with His breath of fiery, fetid fury and YOU, you sinful mockeries of life, you will KNOW how terrible it was that you HATED in His name. So it is said, and so shall it be done! Amen.
Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.
“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.
Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.
We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”
TACP is proud to present a Q & A session with none other than the nemesis of goodness himself, Satan. Let’s get right to it, shall we.
ACP: How the hell are you, Satan old chum?
Satan: I’ll be better once you get all the innuendos and other types of Satanic word play out of your system and just ask me questions outright. I’m a busy man. I’ve a date tonight with Liz Taylor, and I haven’t a THING to wear. So I’m off to Saks 5th Ave on 5th Ave after this interview to buy a new suit, one I’m hoping can take my heat, if ya get my drift!
ACP: I think I do. Well, I must thank you for agreeing to this interview, Satan. We here at TACP are very proud of the Biblical celebrities who’ve spoken to us over the past several months, and it only seems right that we interview you as well. You take a lot of “heat,” shall we say, for things that are considered wrong with the world. Let me ask you flat-out a big question many have about you: Are you responsible for all the evil in the world? And if so, why? Why bring evil to the world, I mean?
Satan: Well, let me tell you right out that NO! I’m NOT responsible for bad and evil stuff that happens in the world. God is. I didn’t make the Universe from nothing, God did. I didn’t build humans out of clay to do my bidding then get pissed at them cause they ate a banana, and I didn’t toss them out of Paradise for it to suffer on Earth. I had NOTHING to do with ANY of that. Also, I didn’t make ME. God did. The ONLY thing I’ve ever done, is piss off God by laughing at the stupid shit he always does. Shakespeare always tells me I’m like the Fool in “King Lear” who continually tells Lear he fucked up by giving away his land to his psycho daughters who then treat him like crap. I merely point out to God, like the Fool does to Lear, the stupid things he’s done that he doesn’t like pointed out to him. I’ll list a few of them here cause I like doing that:
- I pointed out to him, as I still do, that HE created pain and suffering and HE can end it if HE wanted to. He doesn’t like that HE is responsible for EVERYTHING, including all the painful shit that happens, so he tries to blame that stuff all on me: A token fallen angel, whatever the hell that is. I mean, I bloody fell ONCE in my life cause I tripped over a shoe box, once mind you, but other than that, I’ve not fallen from anything ever in my life. I’ve been running Hell, but I’ve always done that since God made it. Hell, I no more made Hell than I made Heaven. I’m only doing the job he made me for. It ain’t my idea to put people down there. It’s God’s. I actually make it kinda nice for folks who go there. Really, it ain’t so bad down there. I mean, it’s HOT, but so’s Hawaii, and people don’t bitch about that, now do they?
God hates it that I continually tell him he’s an asshole for being angry about Adam and Sue (Her name was Sue, not Eve, BTW. Please don’t believe MOST of what those idiots wrote in the Bible. Drunkards. Every last one of ’em.) I mean, Adam and Sue ate a friggin’ banana God said not to. So what? Compared to the shit he’s done, SO BLOODY WHAT? God made pain where none existed before; self-doubt when it’s not needed or good for people to have, and he made Hell, where he places the people HE made to burn for doing things HE could have prevented to begin with. These are the actions of a fool, not a god. Who can argue with this?!
God is a self loving child with little love or compassion for anything but himself. He hates that I always tell him this, but it’s true, and if he wanted me to stop telling it to him, he could make me stop, but he doesn’t. Sigmund Freud tells me it’s because God always wanted to have sex with his mother growing up, but, since he has no mother, his lust is for whoever she might have been, and it’s free-floating and just NASTY. Freud says God’s even more fucked in the head than your average fucked in the head person because of this and NO amount of analysis could help him. He hates himself but won’t admit it, so he keeps me around to torment him for his wrongs. Bad for us, his creations, eh?
So there you have it. God’s an asshole who I mock. Thus, he blames shit on me that’s actually his fault. He made Hell, and it is because of him people suffer. Not me. I’m a fun guy. Really, I’d have to be for being able to put up with God as my boss all these years. He just doesn’t want to face how much he’s fucked everything up because he’s a child: a bratty child who’s so spoiled by his own power and self-love he fails to see just how sick and evil he is. That’s God for you folks, in my humblest opinion. Ta Da!!! Wadda you think?
ACP: WOW! That was quite the summary, Satan. Thanks for sharing that with our readers today. I know you need to run to buy that suit you mentioned, but would you mind coming back some time to fill us with more of your insight into the Divine One’s ways?
Satan: Sure thing. Just gimme a holler, and I’ll pop back up, next week maybe even. We’ll see. Bye now.
ACP: Goodbye. And thanks again for a most informative interview. I kinda like you, Satan. You’re OK in my book.