Communion Wafer Villa, Italy. Jesus announced earlier today that he is really Liam Neeson. “Yeah, I’ve been Liam Neeson for several millennia now,” Jesus said. “I didn’t want to say anything about it sooner because I didn’t think anyone would believe me, much less care. But, I’ve got a Martin Scorsese directed movie, Silence, coming out in December, and I figured if people knew I was really Liam Neeson, the chances of it being nominated for a few Academy Awards would greatly increase. Let me put it this way: I’ve got the power to send members of the Academy to either Heaven or Hell. If they give my film a few Academy Awards, and I’ll send ’em to Heaven. If they don’t, I’ll send ’em to Hell. It’s that simple. Gotta run now, I’ve got a few re-shoots to do, and Mr. Scorsese hates it when I’m late.”
Attention-Seeking City, Minnesota. A local man named Geoffrey I. Aint-lyin’ reported that he saw, and photographed, Jesus Christ and his pops, Yahweh, earlier today in a YMCA locker room. “I was walkin’ outta da shower when suddenly, right in front of me, walks Jesus and Yahweh. They both had halos over their heads, and they smelled like that incense stuff ‘dey burn in church on Sundays. I asked ’em, ‘Hey! Are you guys really Jesus and Yahweh?’ And dey says, ‘Yes we are my son. Is there anything we can do to help you?’ I was so shocked all I could think of was to take out my phone and ask if I could take their picture. They said yes, and I did. Unfortunately, the locker room was kinda steamy, so the pic’s kinda blurry, but I assure you, that’s really Jesus and Yahweh you’re lookin’ at. After I took the picture they opened a window and ascended through it into the heavens. I’m kinda kickin’ myself right now though ’cause my brother lost both his legs in Iraq. So, I shoulda asked ’em to give him back his legs instead of just askin’ fer a friggin’ picture. Oh, well, live ‘n learn, eh? Live ‘n learn.”
1.) I’ve finally realized that the reason I’ve been able to outsmart, outwit, and brilliantly avoid the FBI for the past 35 years is because they’ve not once been looking for me.
2.) I’ve finally realized that the elderly do not like being tied onto the backs of kangaroos in order to “go for a fun ride”.
3.) I’ve finally realized it’s not wise to put newborns into particle accelerators to see if it will speed up their maturation process.
4.) I’ve realized, finally, that no matter how much white out I cover myself in, I’m still very much visible to people when I try to stealthily sneak into women’s locker rooms to have a peek.
5.) Finally, I’ve realized no matter how much gamma radiation I expose myself to, I still won’t turn into The Hulk when angered.
Harold Bangerharder, The Overly Dramatic Man, stopped by The Arm Chair Pontificator office the other day and demanded I interview him because he said his girlfriend, his mother, and his dog, Bangertoo, wanted me to. I had nothing else to do, so I did.
TACP: Well, Mr. Bangerharder, let me start off by asking you, why is it you’re called the overly dramatic man?
Bangerharder: Oh, it’s because of the incredibly exciting life I lead. Why, on my way here just now, I was attacked by several terrorists with machine guns. I jumped at them before they could fire at me and disarmed all of them using only my belt and a single shoelace. As I did this, a crowd of people gathered around me and cheered me on. They hollered, “You get ’em, Overly Dramatic Man. You show ’em how awesome and larger than life you really are!” It was a moment of excellence that few in this life, or the next, will ever get to see.
TACP: Wow. That sounds quite impressive. Um, excuse me, but why are you crawling up on top of my desk?
Bangerharder: So I can stand on it whilst telling you more about my intriguing and fascinating life. I was born underwater in a U.S. military submarine just as the Soviets fired at nuke at it in the summer of 1970. I survived, because, even as a newborn, I had a knack for getting myself out of sticky situations with my superior power for overly dramatic actions. I knew if I didn’t exit the submarine quickly, I’d be turned into a blot of radioactive baby goo. Thus, I ran as quickly as my tiny baby legs could carry me and jumped into the helmet of an underwater diving suit. Then, just seconds before the missile hit us, I crawled into a torpedo launch tube and blasted myself free of the sub. I was adrift in the ocean for several minutes until a killer whale grabbed me in its mouth and carried me safely into New York harbor. From there, I was picked up, and later adopted, by actor Marlon Brando. Together, we developed many acting techniques which Marlon later used in his famous portrayal of Vito Corleone in the Academy Award winning movie, The Godfather. And this, my friend, is but one of the hundreds of stories I have about my unique and overly dramatic life.
TACP: I must say, I’m quite impressed. I often tell difficult to believe tales myself, but you seem to have even me beat in that category. Your most welcome to stop by any time and regale my readers with another story of your adventures, if you so wish.
Bangerharder: I will do that one day. But for now, I must depart because the Queen of England needs me to remove thousands of lizard-like aliens that have swarmed the gates of Buckingham Palace. Farewell my friend, until we meet again.
TACP: ‘Bye now. And thanks again for stopping by.
Freed Willy City, New York. Donald Trump today shocked the country when he admitted he has traveled the world “commando” style since the mid-seventies. “It’s SO liberating to have my orange willy-bit flopping about in my trousers, unrestrained by cumbersome underwear, as I go about my busy day hitting on babes and sharing my wisdom and good looks with them,” Mr. Trump said earlier. “I want the world to know, that when I become President in November, the first thing I’m going to do is declare every second Friday a “commando” day. It will be a day when all men in America will be able to walk about, free from the confines of underwear, and shake their pelvises at every woman they find attractive without fear of any legal repercussion whatsoever. I can think of no better act a President can do for his country than this…well, except for maybe making orange the new color of the American flag. God bless America, and God bless a freed willy!”
Land of the Iron Heads, Maryland. Right wing conspiracy expert, Alex Jones announced today that the month of September isn’t real and is, instead, proof that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and singer Tom Jones are powerful, mind-controlling wizards who are trying to turn conservatives into hamsters. “It’s true,” Mr. Jones said earlier. “September is simply a smoke screen created by Obama, Clinton, and Tom Jones to confuse conservatives whilst they sneak up on us and use their powerful magic to turn us into Hamsters.” When told that this theory made absolutely no sense, Jones replied, “Saying the theory makes no sense is the same thing as shouting out to the world, ‘I’m a liberal dog, and I want to see conservatives turned into hamsters!’ ” When then asked to explain, if September isn’t real, then what month are we in right now, Jones retorted, “Obviously, only liberal idiots don’t know we’re still in August, the only month of the year with 62 days. Get with the program, or admit you’d like to see conservatives like me turned into hamsters.” The interview ended with me agreeing that, yes, I would indeed like to see conservatives like Mr. Jones turned into hamsters. Jones then threw some shredded hay he’d been nibbling on at me and exited the interview.
I’ve not been able to post this week because the Nobel Prize Committee has sent several ninjas and assassins to kill me. Thus, I’ve been hiding out in the woods of Michigan with some pizza, some beer, and a few comic books. I sent boxes of live fire ants to each member of the Nobel Committee because they continually refuse to give me my self-awarded Nobel Prize. Apparently, they did not like being bitten by the fire ants I sent them, so they hired professionals to kill me. Once this blows over, which hopefully will be any day now cause I’m running outta pizza and beer, I’ll post regularly again. Thanks for reading, and please, if you see any ninjas or assassins, don’t tell them where I am.