Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold, The Conclusion

And now, so the drinking can begin, the conclusion of “Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold.” A story “Time” magazine has called, “An unclassifiable assemblage of English words, sentences, and paragraphs so far beyond necessity, one can’t help but feel they must surely mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE.

Moses, A Great Lawyer

Moses, A Great Lawyer

“Moses: OK, Kid. Listen up. There’s one thing you’ve got going for you here that no Right Wing, Tea Bangin’, Christian Conservative Texan can deny: You, Kiddo, are an unborn fetus! You don’t “officially” get born into this realm until midnight tonight, when Old Year 2013 gets sent packing to the Palooka Ville retirement home for years gone by. Just because you jumped the gun and decided to go cruising for a bit of nooky before your official, shall we say, expulsion from the womb of time, doesn’t make this any less a fact. You are a gestating timeline of an infant, and you can not be withheld from your birth into the world of existence without those preventing said birth from being labeled abortionists for doing so. Thus, to keep your perverted ass locked up here in Corpus Cristi, rather than letting you be born, is akin to killing you via an abortion.

Baby New Year: Wow. That’s awesome lawyer thinking there Moses. I’m impressed. Get me outta here, and tonight, you can join me for some of the best partying your withered old arse has or will ever see.

Moses: No thanks. Jesus and I watch “Casablanca” every New Years Eve, and I wouldn’t miss that or his special “Savior Seasoned” popcorn, for anything. I think Elvis and Christopher Hitchens are joining us this year, too. Great guys, but back to you.  They’re coming to take us to see the judge in a minute or two. Just let me do ALL the talking, and we should be fine. OK?

Baby New Year: You bet yer ass Pops!

There is silence on the SETI tapes TACP used to transcribe this truth-ridden tale of the odd, for several minutes. Then a final statement is clearly heard being given by Judge Righteous M. Fukker, the judge who apparently heard Baby New Years’ case. This statement is presented below without one tiny thing about it being made up or exaggerated in the least.

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge R.M. Fukker: Well now, don’t that all just sound like a Yankee Liberal abortionists’ wet friggin’ dream come true, eh boys? You damn Yankees go around pullin’ fetuses outta Christian women’s wombs up north like you was no more than pullin’ lice outta some youngin’s hair when it suits yer fancy ta do so. Ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth, eh boys? And now you all is gonna tell me, an honored and highly respected judge, that I shouldn’t hold this here perverted little shit-ball hooker chaser in my jail cell til his arm pit hair grows grey and chokes him to death because I’d be performin’ an ABORTION by doin’ so myself? Well ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth of it then. Not a bad bit of lawyerin’ there old Jewish feller. Not bad at all. I’m gonna let yer little bastard buddy go with just a warnin’ this time, but fuck up in Texas again, boy, and I’ll send you away for so long there won’t be time to tell time by when yer abortion lovin’ a-theist Yankee ass gets out. Ya god dang som’bitch ya!

Moses: He’ll behave your honor. I promise you. And thank you very much, Sir.

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year: Yes. Thanks. And Happy New Year to you and to all the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator, where cannibalism is only bad if you under cook the meat.

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Boxing Day Update On Last Night’s Dinner

Christian Infant Stew

Christian Infant Stew

Happy Boxing Day all. Just wanted to give a brief run down of yesterday’s dinner, as my menu was the cause of some griping last week. I did not wind up eating Ken Ham, who I’m saving to eat for Easter when Ham is more appropriate to the menu, and I did not eat PZ Myers, as he is covered in troll hair, which is impossible to get out of your teeth once stuck in them. And there’s no way I could have gotten all the hair off that troll before I cooked him, so I decided to just go ahead with my traditional, Christmas dinner, Christian Infant Stew. I out did myself on it this year as it was simply heavenly. So, that’s that. I think for New Years Eve, I’ll make Evangelical Meat Dumplings. They always go over well. See you all real soon. Til then, stay without morals, give in to your darkest instincts, and eat all the human meat you want because you’re an a-theist, and you’re evil! Amen

I Love The Smell Of Boiling Flesh In The Morning, Smells Like…Christmas

Great Pot For Cooking Humans

Great Pot For Cooking Humans

To all the cannibal and non-cannibal heathens who have hopped on board TACP bus for the ride this year, Merry Christmas. And remember to remove the jewelry BEFORE dropping your human into the cooking oil. It’s a bitch scraping melted metal off the bottom of a huge ass iron cooking pot the next day.

PZ Myers Simmering In My Pot

Human Stew

Jews And Gays I Really Like, But Christians Are Another Story

I lived in a part of Chicago called West Rogers Park for almost 9 years. In the area where I lived, lived many devote Jews. There where several temples there, and I’d always see folks going to them on foot on Saturday mornings.

Typical Saturday Morning In West Rogers Park

Typical Saturday Morning In West Rogers Park

I know very little about the Jewish faith, even though I was surrounded by these devote Jewish families for all those years. And I just realized that I know so little about them because they NEVER once tried to ram their faith down my throat the way Christians do. Not once did they tell me I was evil and would burn unless I accepted their faith as mine. If they thought that way, they never told me about it. Not once was I ever not shown respect as I walked amongst these folks, even though it was quite obvious I’m not Jewish. No one tried to convert or save me. On several occasions I asked questions about certain practices I noticed them observing during Jewish holidays. I always was given a friendly, catch free, explanation, which of course I’d always forgotten by the time the same holiday came again a year later and I had to ask for it again. No one ever seemed put off by my asking, and no one ever said,” If you don’t believe this, too, you’ll burn in hell.” I have no issue, no complaint, and no chip on my shoulder with the Jewish faith and the wonderful people who practice it. I could see how tightly their faith and cultural identity were intertwined and I understood the value these people placed in holding on to each other and their identity as a people because so many have tried to take it from them over the centuries. If this behavior were practiced by Christians in America, how much better we all would be for it, especially Christians. The constant moralizing Christians do and the sickening practice they have of telling those who don’t share their faith they’re going to burn for it, really annoy the fuck out of me. I’m sick of Christians. I’m sick of being judged by them.

Gay And Jewish!

Gay And Jewish!

I’m also completely finished with being nice about it. I have many gay friends as I’ve been involved with theater and musical theater since I was in the 9th grade. And yes, there are many gays in the theater. (Lots of pretty girls, too). I essentially grew up from 14 on having many gay friends, and all were kind, and good to me. I never thought anything odd or strange about having gay friends and working with them. No gay men attacked me. No one was trying to rape me. No one tried to convert me to the gay life style. Nothing strange at all went on except perhaps A LOT of singing. So when I have to listen to the hate-filled disgusting rhetoric spewed out about gays by Christians, I want to hurt them. I want to hurt them bad, the way they hurt my friends. It makes me hate them. They’ve made me hate them. Catholic Priests rape little boys like birds eat seeds, yet still are shown great deference cause they’re priests. Meanwhile, two women who love each other are called Satan spawn by Christians and told it’s wrong for them to be married. Screw that message of hate. If you’re reading this and are Christian, and my words make you angry, if you feel judged and unfairly treated, GOOD. I want you to feel that way. I want YOU to hurt. I want you not to be able to marry who you love. And I want it to be because of your sick faith. Your faith SUCKS! It has hurt so many people. Get a different faith, Christians. Yours is horrible. I’m going to do everything I can to make as many of you as possible feel irradiated and pissed off as often as possible. I like doing that to you. You are venom. And you need to be sucked out of the wound you’ve made then spit into the toilet and flushed away for good.

Phil Robertson Now Claims, “I Didn’t Make Anti-Gay Slurs, My Beard Did!”

“My beard is a gay-hating parasitic alien from a distant planet”, Phil Robertson said today. “And it was the beard, not me who went on the anti-gay tirade you all heard. I should be pitied and comforted, not hated. I’ve had to live with this hairy creature hanging from the bottom of my face and feeding off of me for decades now.

Phil Robertson Before And After The Alien Beard Stuck Itself To His Face

Phil Robertson Before And After The Alien Beard Stuck Itself To His Face

And as bad as that is, the damn thing snores at night. Try sleeping with that, America. The beard hates gays, not me. I love gays. I’m gay myself, but can’t act on it for fear my beard will mock me all day. As it is now, the fucking thing incessantly says the rosary and talks out loud to Jesus, consistently praying he come down from Heaven and kill all the gays, Jews, Blacks, atheists, and Liberal Democrats on the planet. I’ve tried to tell him to be more tolerant of people who are different, because he himself is just a beard, and surely would suffer prejudice if people knew about him. But it just goes in one hair and out the other. Unfortunately, I can’t remove the beard without killing myself because it has latched the roots of each hair into my brain. We sort of need each other now to live. I hope Disney will let me have my job back, and I promise I will do my best to keep my bigoted beard from speaking out in the future. Thank you, and God bless you, America.”

The Words Narcissist And Narcissus Came From This Story

In the ancient Greek religion, Narcissus was a dude so in love with himself that all he did all day was sit and gaze at his image reflected in the water of a pond. Zeus saw this, and, being the ironic bugger he is ( I say “is” because we really can’t prove Zeus doesn’t exist, can we?), turned him into a flower that droops downwards in order to see its reflection in water. We get the name of the flowering bulbs we call narcissus from this story. And we get the term “narcissist” from it which refers to people who are in love with themselves and their own reflections so much they exclude all else. Some of the flowering bulbs in this group are daffodils, paper whites, and jonquils.  Here are some pictures of narcissists you may very well know, not all of them are flowers.

Narcissists AND Gay, Too

1. Narcissists Who Happen To Be Gay, Too

It Doesn't Get Smugger Than This Narcissist

2. You Can’t Get Smugger Than This Narcissist

Narcissist Me At The Nobel Prize Nominations Last Year

3. Narcissist Me At The Nobel Prize Nominations Last Year

The Beautiful, If Smelly, Paper White Flower

4. The Beautiful, If Smelly, Paper White Flower

A Smug Narcissist Thinking Only Of Himself

5. A Smug Narcissist Thinking Only Of Himself

Me Again Because I Love Myself

6. Me Again Because I Love Myself

Now I’m Being Sued By A Real Cannibal

I’ve made a lot of enemies this weekend, Ken Ham, Jedi Master PZ Meyers/Peezus Myers and his loyal following of sanctimonious puppies, but I never expect this. A real cannibal from somewhere in Texas (go figure, eh?) has filed a defamation of character lawsuit against me because he says I’m giving real cannibals a bad name with my cannibal posts.  The cannibal’s name is Harry Eatumup, and along with a notice that he was suing me, he sent me this letter, which I post below.

Cannibal Harry Eatumup Is Suing Me

Cannibal, Harry Eatumup Is Suing Me

“My dear Bigoted Shit-head,

My name is Harry Eatumup. I know cannibals. I went to school with cannibals. My wife is a cannibal. And you, sir, are no cannibal.  I also happen to be a decent, law-abiding cannibal myself and I have to tell you, you have insulted us greatly with your recent posts in which you claim to be a cannibal who’s going to eat either Ken Ham or Lord PZ Meyer’s for Christmas dinner.  No real cannibal would eat such foul, nasty meat if he were paid a million dollars to do so. The suggestion itself is so repulsive to me that it has spoiled my appetite, hurt my feelings, and made me cry. You are an unfeeling man, Mr. Pontificator. You lack empathy and fail to see the true beauty and love real cannibals bring to the world. You’ve made a mockery of our culture and our culinary arts in your childish and crude blog posts. Instead of getting to know the real cannibals in your community, you’ve shamed them further into hiding. So I’m suing you, Mr. Pontificator, for defaming my character, my culture, and my taste in food. See you in court.”

Man, who haven’t I offended this weekend? If you think of someone, let me know so I can because it’s almost over.