Bigfoot Real, Has Tiny Feet

Bigfoot Making His Way To The David Letterman Show On His Tiny-Ass Feet

Bigfoot Struggling To Walk On His Tiny Feet

“Yep,” said Bigfoot to David Letterman last night, “I would’ve come out and let people know about my existence much sooner had it not been for the intense shame I feel at the diminutive size of my feet. I often leave really big foot prints because I have to strap huge boots filled with rocks to my feet or I’ll fall over like a cut tree every time a stiff wind blows. I’m ten feet tall for Christ sake. That’s a long way down. Life for me, before I started wearing the rock-filled boots, was an ungodly hell. Words can not truly describe it. Forget about dating, man. I mean once a babe took one look at my tiny feet, she logically assumed the rest of me was tiny too (it isn’t, BTW). And even if a babe did by some chance agree to go out with me, she almost always had to help my sorry ass get up off the ground cause some fucking wind would always blow and knock me down. Not a way to impress the ladies, I’m telling you.

Once I put on the rock-filled boots, however, and got given the name ‘Bigfoot’, babes were knockin’ at my door to go out with me. Thus, I decided to live a lie and not reveal myself to the world, and for three centuries, this has been my life. Rock-filled boots and babes. But I can’t do it anymore. The pressure is too great. I live in continual fear of being outed as the tiny-footed beast-man I really am. So it’s over. I hope the world can forgive me and can accept that there never was a Bigfoot, only a ten foot tall hairy beast-man with size two feet who wore some heavy, rock-filled boots in order to not fall down.”

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Lazarus And Job To Open Deli In Chicago

Job Telling Friends, God's A Prick

Job Telling Friends, God’s A Prick

Lazarus, Is Resurrected, Then Abandoned By Pal, Jesus

Lazarus Is Resurrected, Then Abandoned By Pal, Jesus

Lazarus, the friend Jesus resurrected from the dead before abandoning him forever, and Job, God’s favorite whipping boy, have joined forces in opening a Jewish Style Deli, with a unique twist, in Chicago. “We’ve been planning to do this for about 100 years,” said Lazarus, “but with Job’s chronic battles with morphine and my repeated attempts to find the right Broadway musical to fit my enormous talents, we just haven’t gotten around to it til now. Because of who we are, our deli will be unique in ways others could never hope to be. For example, with each purchase of matzo ball soup, customers will receive a lock of hair from their favorite Biblical character. Job and I have no problem with clubbing ANYONE in the Judeo-Christian Bible over the head and cutting off a large clump of hair, and scalp, too, if so desired, in order to please our customers.  I’ve always felt a nice, bloody clump of hair next to your matzo ball soup made it somehow taste better.  And if you want that hair to come from, say, Jesus, Mary, or Joseph, all ya gotta do is ask.  Job and I are pretty fuckin’ pissed about how the Almighty and his son treated us back in the day, see. So clubbing Biblical characters over the head is something we love doing. If our customers can benefit from our rage, well, that’s just hunky-dory then, ain’t it?  We’ll be open in about a week, so if you’re in town, please stop by and see us. Your taste buds will be glad you did.”

2014 Stats For The Arm Chair Pontificator

This morning I received the following email from the CEO of WordPress, Fr. Phil MeCrackin. I assure you on the graves of your own ancestors, my dear readers, that what you are about to read is as true now as it was the minute I made it up.

WordPress CEO, Fr. Phil MeCrackin

WordPress CEO, Fr. Phil MeCrackin

“Dear Pontificator: My name is Fr. Phil MeCrackin. I am the CEO of WordPress and have held that position for almost 70 years now. I am writing to provide you with statistical information pertinent to your blog for 2014. Before I give it to you, however, I must take a moment to tell you that never once, in all the years I’ve been at WordPress, have I come across a blog more Nobel Prize worthy than yours. You’ve not only made me laugh so hard at times I peed a little, you’ve made me weep openly with your Pulitzer Prize worthy editorials and your Shakespeare-like skills as a poet. As a non-gay, masculine white male, I feel completely secure in telling you, Mr. Pontificator, that I love you with all that I am for being exactly who it is you are: A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner and a pontificator extraordinaire. Thank you, Sir, for making the lives of the billions you reach every day with your blog brighter for having read it. If I were there beside you at this moment, I’d kiss you so hard your lips would bleed. But, since I’m not, I’ll simply have to leave you with the 2014 stats for your blog. Adieu, my friend. Adieu.”

2014 Stats For TACP

2014 Stats For TACP

Number of Followers: 6.4 Billion

Number of Restraining Orders Filed Against TACP by The Nobel Prize Committee: 677

Number of Restraining Orders Filed Against Martin Scorsese by TACP: 21

Number of Christians Who Picketed WordPress for Publishing TACP: 7.8 million

Number of Prank Calls Made to The Vatican by TACP: 7032

Number of Prank Calls Made by The Vatican to TACP: 8045

Number of Times TACP Made Shit Up and Said It Was Real: Too many to count.

Number of Times Angelina Jolie Called TACP Wanting to Have Sex: 465

And Lastly, Number of Thanks TACP Has for Readers of His Blog: Infinite. Thanks to everyone who stopped by my blog this past year for fun, laughs, and a lot of pontificating. There’s a lot more to come in 2015, so stayed tuned.

Imperious Rex!

Prophecies For 2015 From Nostradamus

predictions

Dr. Miballs R. Akin, curator of the Nostradamus Museum in Gary, Indiana, announced today that he has uncovered some previously unknown prophecies of Nostradamus pertaining specifically to 2015. A few of these are listed below along with interpretations of them provided by Dr. Akin.

Prophesy One: “And there shall drift in from the East a pinkish cloud, covered in smiley faces, which the underclassmen shall name, ‘Bob’. Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red and bleed from the corners of eyes it does not have. So sayeth Nostradamus, the unambiguous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: What Nostradamus is so very clearly predicting here is the complete collapse of the McDonald’s restaurant franchise in 2015. The cloud and the blue sea represent Ronald McDonald’s makeup pouring down his face from the tears he’s shedding over the loss of his beloved franchise. The fish being eaten by the bear represents the Red Lobster restaurant franchise. It will take over all McDonald’s store fronts by August. So has it been foretold; so too will it come to pass.

Prophesy Two: “A darkness darker than pitch and thicker than hot tar shall pour over the land of the kitties who will be too weak and too lazy to band together as one to shine a light into the blackness before it devours all they hold dear with its perpetual, ever-deepening evil. So sayeth Nostradamus, the non-nebulous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: Without a doubt, this prophesy speaks of the immanent takeover of the American Government by the evil Republican party and the pussy-ass Liberals who will continue to passively stand by and watch it happen. This trend will continue, unchallenged, throughout all of 2015 and well into 2016, when the total annihilation of the Democratic Party is finalized with the crowning of the first Republican Emperor of The United States. So has it been foreseen; so too shall it come to pass.

Fini, for now.

Police Admit: We Like Killing Black Guys

Police Target Or Human Being

In a blatantly honest statement today, Detective Iam Maidup, spokesman for The American Union Of Armed Cops, admitted that killing black men was not only something police did regularly, it is something they look forward to doing with great enthusiasm. “We might as well just admit it,” Detective Maidup said today.”We police LOVE to kill black guys. As a matter of fact, many of us actually joined the Force for the sole purpose of killing them. You see, so very many of us are racist bastards at heart who, unfortunately, were forced to grow up in a country where blatant, overt racism is quite frowned upon. We were forced to suppress our true selves and tolerate the presence of those we wanted to kill simply for being who they are: black guys. By becoming police, we now have guns, and the power to use them on black guys with total impunity. OK, maybe not TOTAL impunity.Black-Men-Killed-By-Police Sometimes there’s a grand jury investigation when we “accidentally” kill an unarmed black guy cause he was wearing a hoodie and walking down the street at the same time, but rarely, if ever, are we indicted for such actions. And when we are, NEVER are we actually convicted of any wrong doing. Not ever. You see, we’re the police. We’re here to serve and protect all people equally. Unless, of course, you happen to be a black guy. Then, we might just decide to kill you. Why? Because we feel superior to you, and know we can if we want to. The great irony here is, if you’re black and find all this cruel and unfair, so what. What the fuck are you gonna do about it, call the cops?”

 

 

A Christmas Message From TACP

 

Holiday-GreetingsOn this blessed day off from work, dear friends, let us remember that first Christmas, so very long ago, when the Pilgrims and the Indians dressed in scary costumes and gathered together to witness the birth of our savior, Baby Allah, whilst eating turkey and stuffing under the shining metal Festivus pole at Macy’s Department Store in New York. Let us remember, too, how they hated, yet loved each other; how they kissed and bit each other, and how they all got naked in the end and fucked like rabbits on steroids until the cock crowed three times in the East and their mothers called them home to scold them for behaving like immoral heathens so near the crib of the anointed one, Baby Allah. Let us remember them, my friends and let us have a great day today, because tomorrow, when we wake up, the fucking Republicans will STILL be in complete control of the U.S. Government. Have a great and Merry Christmas everyone. And remember, don’t tell the authorities if Christian infant is on your holiday menu tonight. Eating infants is, unfortunately, still illegal in most, if not all, countries of the world. $Amen$

Pat Robertson Is Scrooge In TACP’s Production Of “A Christmas Carol”

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

Humbug! And Up Yours, I Say!

TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.

Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye.  The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.

BOO! I'm The ghost Of Christmas Past!

BOO! I’m The ghost Of Christmas Past!

Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.

Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.

Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug!  I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich.  You, know, a real American.

Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything.  Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.

Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something.  Have you done this before?

Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.

Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.

End of part one.