Things Jesus Shoulda Said

1.)  Come near me with that cross and nails and I’ll turn all of you motherf**kers into newts.

2.)  Hey, Judas!  You’re goin’ to Hell, and I literally mean, like, right now.  You pr*ck.

3.)  I ordered this steak RARE!!!  For My Own sake, if this is gonna be my last meal, I want it how I ordered it.  Take this burnt piece of sh*t back and bring me what I ordered.

4.)  Mary Magdalen, trust me, there’s no way you can get pregnant.  It’s impossible for me to impregnate anyone unless I come in the guise of a bird.  Do I look like a f**ckin’ bird to you?!

5.)  Hey, Innkeeper, I hear when my moms and pops came by here to give birth to me you said you had no room and sent ’em to stay in a flea-ridden manger to have me.  I hope you like the smell of horse sh*t cause as of today you’re gonna be covered in it for all eternity.  A**hole.

6.)  Good thing about walkin’ on water is it keeps the bottoms of your feet REALLY clean.

7.)  So, I turned about 200 gallons of water into wine for you nice folks.  That’ll cost ya’, now let me see…800 dollars.  I take Visa, Master Card, and Discover.

8.)  Yeah, my pops is a real d*ck.  He sent me down here thinkin’ I was gonna let the Romans nail my a** to a cross.  Like, right, dude, that’s gonna happen.  Blow me.

9.)  Thomas, if you try to stick your godd*mn fingers into my side one more time, I’m gonna b**ch slap you into next week.

10.)  Peter, I gotta go, dude.  If you want, you can carry on and spread my message to other people:  “Party hardy, folks!  You only live once.”  But, please, Peter, if you do it, don’t f*ck it up by changing it, OK?

 

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I Decided…

decisions

1.)  I decided to swim down to the Titanic to see what it looks like up close but gave up because the water was too cold.

2.)  I decided to give up my job as head of the CIA because I never held the position in the first place.

3.)  I decided to become a leading member of the Yakuza, but, since I can’t speak Japanese, they had no idea what I was asking them, so they told me to fuck off.  At least I think that’s what they told me.

4.)  I decided to purchase a wild, hungry tiger as a pet, but, since it ripped off my right arm and ate it, I returned it.

5.)  I decided to dye my skin orange, become a misogynistic, xenophobic racist, run for President, and win.  However, since that’s already been done, I didn’t do it.

6.)  I decided my God was better than all the other gods that people believe in; started a church; got tax exemption for myself and said church, and now I’m a billionaire collecting tax-free money from my followers.  Praise be to my God.

7.)  I decided to wear my KKK outfit out in public this week, and guess what?  No one cared.

8.)  I decided grabbing women by the pussy without their permission was an awesome idea, and guess what?  The President-Elect of the United States agrees with me.

9.)  I decided to be bitten by a radioactive spider so I could become Spiderman.  However, once I exposed the spider to gamma radiation, it died and was unable to bite me.   Thus, I’m still just a fat white guy with no super powers.

10.)  I decided to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers, even the ones fortunate enough to not live in America these days.

 

Pepe The Frog: Black Friday Is Insulting To Whites

"Hey, man," says Pepe the Frog, "Why ain't Black Friday called White Friday?"

“Hey, man,” says Pepe the Frog, “Why ain’t Black Friday called White Friday?”

 Tadpole Town, Oklahoma.   Spokesman and symbol for the Alt Right movement, Pepe the Frog, said today it is highly racist and insulting to call the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday.  “It feels bad, man,” Pepe said earlier.  “Why ain’t the day after Thanksgiving called White Friday?  Somethin’ wrong with the color white?  Oh, wait!  Of course there is.  White is the color of the most horribly maligned and abused men in America: xenophobic, racist, misogynistic bigots.  What the hell gives people the right to frown on a group of white dudes simply because they’re misogynists, bigots and racists?   Prick these men and will they not bleed?  Call them names and will they not cry?  Give them a black President and will they not feel marginalized and outraged?  They are but human, and it’s time they were treated that way.

Every year these poor men must endure the blatant horror that is the day after Thanksgiving: Black Friday.  Well, I say enough.  Now that we have an orange President who understands the trauma these men have suffered under the color of Barrack Obama’s skin for 8 years, it’s time to do right by ’em and re-name Black Friday, White Friday.  Black has had its time in the sun.  It’s time to send it back to the 18th century so that the better color, white, can once again dominate every facet of the American life.  And what better way is there to help do this then by re-naming Black Friday, White Friday?  None that I can think of, that’s for sure.”

Sometimes

sometimes-saidaonline

1.) Sometimes, when I dance naked in my apartment and feel like the hottest man alive, I see myself in a mirror and understand there’s absolutely no truth to that thought.

2.) Sometimes, when I want to open a worm hole to suck in all the alt-right assholes who voted for Trump, and realize I can’t, I cry, very, very hard.

3.) Sometimes, when I want to stop the government from placing bugging devices in my apartment to infiltrate the intricate network of anti-government spying activity I control, I realize I do not control any such activity, and I cry, very, very hard.

4.) Sometimes, when I realize I haven’t written a post in over a week, and I write the first glop of stupid shit that pops into my head, I cry, very, very hard.

5.) Sometimes, I wish I could be a fascist dictator who could build walls around alt-right idiots who love racism, misogyny, and homophobia, but then I realize I can’t, so I cry, very, very hard.

6.) Sometimes when I get down over stupid shit that happens, like the Trump election, I tell myself, “It’ll all be fine.”  But then I realize it won’t, and I cry, very, very hard.

7.)  Sometimes I think our environment will be saved and continue to support human life, but then I realize, Trump’s gonna eliminate the EPA, and I cry, very, very hard.

8.) Sometimes I think I won’t lose my medical insurance because of the Trump win, but then I realize I will, and I cry, very, very hard.

9.) Sometimes I think working class white males aren’t so stupid as to vote into office a President who will do all he can to fuck them over, but then I realize I’m wrong, and I cry, very, very hard.

10.) Sometimes, when I realize I want to have a tenth thing to say but don’t, I cry, very, very hard.

 

But I Deserved It

childabusedcrying

He hit me

But I deserved it

He raped me

But I led him on

They threw me against a wall

But it was my fault

I cried

Though I shouldn’t have

I once begged for them to stop

But they didn’t

They didn’t because they said

I was bad

And

I

Believed them

He loves me

So I forgive him

When he hits me

I blame myself

I was

Taught that

And

Who

Are

You

To

Question

It?

Trump Reveals True Self After Winning Election

President-Elect, Donald Trump In His Natural Form

President-Elect, Donald Trump In His True Form

Orange County, California.   Minutes after winning last night’s election, Donald Trump revealed himself to be an orange, squid-like alien from the Andromeda galaxy.   “Now that I’ve finally won this thing,” Mr. Trump said to reporters, “I can remove this ridiculously uncomfortable human form and reveal my true self to the world.   My real name is Zek’da’Inteka, and I’m from a planet in the Andromeda galaxy called Marmalade Land.  I came to Earth in order to rule it and to eat McDonald’s cheeseburgers.   I knew no one would accept me if they saw me in my true form, so I disguised myself as a narcissistic bigot and ran for president on a platform consisting solely of wildly impossible, xenophobic promises.   I want to thank everyone who voted for me.  And for those who didn’t, you know who you are, I’m gonna find each and every one of you and squirt you with nasty smelling orange goo from my enormous anal glands.   Well, I’m off now to eat some McDonald’s cheeseburgers and work on my plan for a speedy domination of the entire Earth.  Bye bye.”

Increase In Farting As US Election Draws Near

Farting Increases As US Election Draws Near

Farting Increases As US Election Draws Near

Colon City, Nebraska.   Scientists at NASA are reporting a worldwide increase in farting as the US Presidential election draws near.  “I was in Montreal yesterday,” said NASA scientist Billy “The Nebula” Sunspot.   “And the air there was so rancid from all the farting I thought I was going to lose my eyesight.   Every person I passed let out an enormous fart.  The same phenomena has been reported to be happening all over the globe.  People are afraid to leave their homes for fear they’ll pass out from the stench of the farts that they themselves are contributing to.   The only logical reason for this, we scientists at NASA  have concluded, is the gastrointestinal distress the citizens of the earth are experiencing due to the upcoming US election.   We can offer only this advice to a world of people suffering from constant farting and fart-induced nasal trauma: It’s almost over.  Two more days, and it’ll be finished.  So, just be patient, and soon, the world will return to place where people fart only occasionally and not all at once.”