1.) Come near me with that cross and nails and I’ll turn all of you motherf**kers into newts.
2.) Hey, Judas! You’re goin’ to Hell, and I literally mean, like, right now. You pr*ck.
3.) I ordered this steak RARE!!! For My Own sake, if this is gonna be my last meal, I want it how I ordered it. Take this burnt piece of sh*t back and bring me what I ordered.
4.) Mary Magdalen, trust me, there’s no way you can get pregnant. It’s impossible for me to impregnate anyone unless I come in the guise of a bird. Do I look like a f**ckin’ bird to you?!
5.) Hey, Innkeeper, I hear when my moms and pops came by here to give birth to me you said you had no room and sent ’em to stay in a flea-ridden manger to have me. I hope you like the smell of horse sh*t cause as of today you’re gonna be covered in it for all eternity. A**hole.
6.) Good thing about walkin’ on water is it keeps the bottoms of your feet REALLY clean.
7.) So, I turned about 200 gallons of water into wine for you nice folks. That’ll cost ya’, now let me see…800 dollars. I take Visa, Master Card, and Discover.
8.) Yeah, my pops is a real d*ck. He sent me down here thinkin’ I was gonna let the Romans nail my a** to a cross. Like, right, dude, that’s gonna happen. Blow me.
9.) Thomas, if you try to stick your godd*mn fingers into my side one more time, I’m gonna b**ch slap you into next week.
10.) Peter, I gotta go, dude. If you want, you can carry on and spread my message to other people: “Party hardy, folks! You only live once.” But, please, Peter, if you do it, don’t f*ck it up by changing it, OK?