U.S. Military Is Completely Broke
“I’m as shocked as everyone else about this news,” President Obama said today, “but the U.S. simply can not afford to put another bullet in another gun anywhere at any time in the foreseeable future. Our military is, quite simply put, utterly and completely broke. Thus I’ve been forced to recall all military personnel from every place on the planet until we can collect enough money to send ’em all back, armed and eager to kill for their country on command. Until then, America will have to focus on its own borders (with rocks and sticks if need be) and pray the Canadians and/or Mexicans do not take this opportunity to launch an invasion. I apologize to those Americans who’ve enjoyed expanding our interests overseas through the use of bombs, tanks, and drones, but we simply no longer have the money to pay for such things. On the bright side, however, Congress assures me, that, if every American cuts back on things like medicine, food, clothing, and their children’s educations, and donates the money instead to the military budget, we’ll be back to bombing and killing in the Middle East in almost no time at all. Remember, America, it’s the countries that pray together, and save together, that can best afford to bomb and kill together.”
No Longer Affordable
Gus Gas Says: Take That You Terrorist Bastards!
The US Government unveiled its newest weapons against terror today at a Pentagon press briefing. Pentagon special weapons spokesman, General Thadeus Thumpernickle, had this to say on the matter. “Let me start off by apologizing for the foul stench in the room. It is being created by residual methane emissions emanating from the anuses of the two men seated to my right: Special Agents Gus Gas and Freddy Flatulence, America’s first living anti-terrorism weapons. These two boys have had their entire gastrointestinal tracks converted to methane producing engines for the sole purpose of destroying the eyes, noses, and throats of terrorists everywhere. Here’s how they work: The boys are fed nothing but pinto beans and water for two weeks before they’re to deploy on a mission. During those two weeks, the fellas also have large butt plugs inserted, and locked, in their rectums.
Freddy Flatulence Says: Behold My Ass-Flame And Tremble, Terrorists!
Once the terror target has been determined, the guys are flown to the area in a stealth fighter and dropped, like bombs, from the planes bomb bay doors. They need no parachutes because, as they fall, they unlock and pull the plugs from their respective anuses. This unleashes steams of methane gas from their sphincters so powerful they remain afloat on them until the entire target area has been reduced to ash; then they gently settle on the ground and await recovery by specially trained Navy Seals donned in methane proof masks. These fellas are the real deal folks. I guarantee you, from now on, terrorists will quake in terror at the very mention of the names, Gus Gas and Freddy Flatulence, the world’s first living anti-terrorism weapons. They are the next evolutionary step in America’s continuing war to wipe terror from the planet like a shit-stain from an old man’s underwear. That’s all for now, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.”
As any reasonable person can tell you, the only possible answer to the gaps in our scientific understanding of the universe is God. Just acknowledging that there are gaps in what we know about the universe is proof, beyond all doubt, that God exists and created the universe between six thousand and 13.8 billion years ago. I rely on the flawlessness of this type of reasoning to provide me with infallible answers to every question I’m confronted with that I can’t explain and do not understand. Mastering the problem solving skills involved with this type of thinking has enabled me to solve many enigmas for which I’d otherwise have no answers.
Strange Object I Saw Last Night
Here’s a superb example of what I mean by this. Last night I saw a large glowing object moving slowly through the sky. I can honestly say, I’ve never seen anything quite like it in my entire life. I thought about what it could be for, I don’t know, maybe six or seven minutes, but could not come up with a reasonable answer to my own query. Once I realized I simply did not know what the object was, I concluded it HAD to be an alien spacecraft from a far distant world. My dedication to this type of thinking has helped to prove, undeniably, that we are not alone in the universe. Imagine the type of world we would have if everyone had the same dedication.
Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.
Jesus Says, I’m Not Happy With You
“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.
Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.
Off To Kill Polytheists
We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”