Monthly Archives: May 2014

05.31.14
by

Recipes From The Atheist Cookbook

I’ve written a cookbook for atheists because I decided we godless, cannibal bastards needed one. To help promote it, I’ve decided to share a few recipes from it. Try ’em. They are guaranteed DELICIOUS!

1.) Christian Infant Tartare: Just catch yourself one fresh Christian infant; flay it; soak it overnight in olive oil and garlic; carve off a nice chunk of arm or breast meat; chop into fine bits; salt lightly, and wa la! Christian infant tartare is yours to enjoy! Oh. One thing: Make sure you cut off all the skin BEFORE you salt the meat. For some reason, salt makes the skin bubble, and, if that happens, you may lose your appetite and toss out a meal you’d surely otherwise have enjoyed.

Evangelical Christian Baby Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The Baby Fat

Christian Infant Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The Skin Before Salting

2.) Muslim Meatballs: Catch and chop up a Muslim or two; cut off a chunk or two of thigh; grind into a fine meat paste; add garlic, salt, parsley powder, a touch of oregano, and round into balls; cook in olive oil at 350 degrees for an hour; toss into your favorite pasta sauce and boil for another hour, and your meatballs are ready to serve. I’ve found that Al Qaeda meat tastes best, though I’m not sure why.

Muslim Meatballs. 2nd From Bottom Was An Al Qaeda Member

Muslim Meatballs. Second From The Bottom Is From An Al Qaeda Member

3.) Mormon Jello: This one’s easy. Catch a Mormon and slice him into thin pieces of meat; fry them in a pan with, you guessed it, garlic and olive oil; mix up a batch of clear Jello; place the cooked meat into the Jello mix; stir; refrigerate til set, and serve.

Jewish Jello:

The Red Mormon Meat Shows Nicely Through The Clear Jello

4.) Lutheran Frosted Lemon Cake: You’ll need the skin from a Lutheran or two for this. Catch the Lutherans; flay them; mash the skin into a syrupy paste after first washing it clean of blood; add sugar, and refrigerate over night; bake your favorite lemon cake; frost with the Lutheran skin paste and serve. FYI, this is a great dessert to serve after a hearty meal of Christian baby tartare. Yummy.

Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

5.) Catholic Priest Pedophile Rapist Stew: This is my favorite dish as savoring the flesh of pedophile rapist Catholic priests never fails to lift my spirits high. Get a hold of a pedophile rapist Catholic priest, preferably one who’s been at it awhile and recently caught; slowly flay him alive; very slowly boil his still alert carcass in a vat of olive oil mixed with salt, vinegar, and garlic. The breast meat will fall off in chunks when fully boiled. Cut it into bite size pieces; stir into a pot of vegetable stew; simmer for 45 minutes and serve. Lip smacking good stuff!

A Catholic Priest Pedophile I Ate Last Night

I Finely Chopped This Pedophile Rapist Into A Stew Last Night

Bon appetit, my fellow godless, morally deprived, evil, atheist cannibals!

 

05.28.14
by

Biblical Passport Pics

Here are some passport pics Moses dropped off of his pals for me to share with my readers. I think they’re just peachy. How ’bout you?

1.)

Jesus: "I Had This Taken The Day After My Braces Came Off."

Jesus: “I Had This Taken The Day After My Braces Came Off.”

2.)

Isaac: "This Picture Is 4000 God Damn Years Old! Not Bad, eh?"

Isaac: “This Picture Is 4000 God Damn Years Old! Not Bad, eh?”

3.)

Pontious Pilate: "Tell Me I Look Great In This Pic Or I'll Nail Your Ass To A Cross."

Pontius Pilate: “Tell Me I Look Great In This Pic Or I’ll Nail Your Ass To A Cross.”

4.)

John The Baptist's Head: "Not A Bad Smile Considering I'm Just A Severed Head, eh?"

John The Baptist’s Head: “Not A Bad Smile Considering I’m Just A Severed Head, eh?”

5.)

Guy Who Said No Room At The Inn: "So How Was I To Know She Was Pregnant With God. Really? How? Would You Have Known?"

Guy Who Said No Room At The Inn: “So How Was I To Know She Was Pregnant With God. Really? How? Would You Have Known?”

05.28.14
by

Relics For Sale! Relics For Sale!

Biblical relics that is, and they’re being sold by yours truly, The Arm Chair Pontificator. Here’s a list of some of the relics I’ve acquired via unsavory methods over the years which are for sale.

1.) Jesus’ beard. I “found” this little item in a Jewish dude’s bagel shop here in Chicago. He had the bloody thing hanging in his shop window with a sign under it that read: “Buy a dozen bagels and I’ll let you touch the beard of Christ. Oy vey!”

Christ's Beard: $10.00

Christ’s Beard: $10.00

 

2.) St. Peter’s Pee. I “collected” this rare specimen from the bottom of an ancient urinal in the Louvre during a visit to France a few years ago. According to a French archeologist I spoke to during my stay, St. Peter apparently peed in the urinal while visiting the Louvre back in the day. The then curator of the museum preserved the urinal, and the pee in the bottom of it, by roping it off and declaring it a relic. St. Peter’s pee can now be yours for the amount listed below.

St. Peter's Pee: $8.26

St. Peter’s Pee: $8.26 + $2.00 For The Bottle

3.) Mary Magdalene’s panties: I acquired these during a government sanctioned panty-raid while I was working for the Mossad in Israel during the 80’s. That’s all I can tell you about how I acquired them, but I assure you, they are the real deal.

Mary Magdalene's Panties: $16.53

Mary Magdalene’s Panties: $16.53

4.) Judas Iscariot’s cell phone: This is the very phone Judas used to make the deal to point Jesus out to the authorities for 30 pieces of silver. I won it on a bet I made with Vladimir Putin on last year’s Super Bowl. God only knows how he acquired it, but it is, once again, the real deal. Anyway, the damn Russians don’t know shit about American football. Putin was an idiot to bet it on the game, but now you can be the envy of all your friends by buying it from me for but a token of its true value.

Judas Iscariot's Cell Phone: $11.76

Judas Iscariot’s Cell Phone: $11.76

That’s all for now, but be sure and check back soon for the sale I’ll be having on the animal dung I gathered from Noah’s Ark last year. It’s guaranteed authentic shit.

05.26.14
by

Happy Unmemorial Day

Here in the States we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday of May each year in honor of those who have died in their service to our country. It is a good holiday and held for good reason. However, I feel there is also a holiday needed which helps us forget things we’d rather not remember. Thus, I’m declaring the Tuesday after every Memorial Day be hailed Unmemorial Day: a day for purging our memories of some of the stupider shit we’ve done in our lives through the subtle art of binge drinking.

May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget The Stupid Shit You've Done This Unmemorial Day

Happy Unmemorial Day: May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget Stupid Shit You’ve Done

Here’s a list of some dumb, stupid shit I’ve done that I’d love to erase from my memory this upcoming Unmemorial Day.

1.) When I was 12, I resurrected the dead in a neighborhood cemetery. Needless to say, this wreaked havoc on the neighborhood. A nuclear bomb had to be dropped to remedy the situation. Boy, was my mom PISSED! I’d really like to forget it ever happened.

My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead

My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead

2.) Jesus visited me once and wanted to take me shopping for some new clothes but me, being the a-theist bastard I am, told him to go fuck himself. I’d love to forget that incident. It really makes me feel bad because I desperately needed new clothes at the time.

It's Jesus. I'm Here To Take You Clothes Shopping

It’s Jesus. I’m Here To Take You Clothes Shopping

3.) I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.

I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants

I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants

4.) I sold my Iron Man suit on eBay last year to a 13-year-old because I got too fat to wear it. However, it still had a full charge in it, and the kid blew up half of Valparaiso, Indiana with it. I got my ass sued off because, apparently, it’s illegal to sell dangerous armor suits to kids. Go figure, eh? Anyway, I really want to forget that whole incident because, needless to say, it was very embarrassing.

For Use Only By Those Over 18

For Use Only By Those Over 18

Well, that’s it for now. Come back next year to learn about more stupid shit I’ve done that I want to erase from my mind via binge drinking. Until then, I hope you all have a happy and blessed Unmemorial Day tomorrow. Imperious Rex!

05.25.14
by

Hilarious Bible Qoutes You’ve Never Read

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

We all know and love the Bible for its light take on reality and its pompous, male-centric nonsense, but few know of the sublime hilarity hidden within its pages. Why? Because the Bible, like the pyramids of Egypt, was cryptically created by aliens whom only a very few geniuses have ever completely understood. Well, lucky for you, I’m one of them. Thus, I’ve been able to decrypt a few of the more hilarious Bible verses for you, and I’ve written them below for your entertainment.

1.) This first quote comes from Paul’s letters to the Hungarians. It reads as follows: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya better zip. Ya better zip what? Ya better zip yer fly after ya pee or yer dinky will get cold.”

2.) This one is from Galatians. It reads as follows: “Hey Henry!” “Yes.” “What the fuck is a Galatian, exactly?” “What kind of idiot are you? He’s the arch nemesis of The Fantastic Four and the creator of The Silver Surfer. God, you’re a dork!” “Sorry, dude. Guess we all can’t be as smart as you.”

3.) This one comes from Genesis: “And then Bones said unto Kirk:’It took God 7 days to make the universe. But she does it in 7 minutes!’ ”

4.) This gem comes to you from The Gospel of Luke: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!” “No, Luke! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!!!”

5.) Finally, for today, I bring you this beautiful quote from the Book of Revelation: “A revelation? You want a revelation, Alice? I’ll give you a revelation! Bang! Zoom! You’re gonna be on the MOON in minute, Alice! How’s that for a revelation?”

05.15.14
by

Shocking Shotgun Marriages From History

shotgun-wedding-lgI was riding shotgun with Stephen Hawking the other day when he mentioned to me that his was a shotgun marriage. “Had it not been for that gun in my face, way back when, I’d never have been anything but a player for my entire life.” Well, I just about fell off the side of Hawking’s chair when he said this. Never could I have imagined such a reputable scientist being forced to marry a women via the shotgun method. So I decided to do a bit of made-up research to see just who else in history celebrated their nuptials via the same matrimonial process. Below I present my stunning, yet entirely true, findings. I suggest you get a stiff drink and sit down before reading it, however. The very foundation of your world is about to change.

I Rode Shotgun Wt Hawking On This Chair

I Rode Shotgun With Hawking On This Chair

Shocking Historical Shotgun Marriages And Their Participants: Volume One

1.) Pope Penile the Pontificator: Pope Penile was the 17th century’s equivalent of me: A guy with a huge mouth, very little knowledge about anything important, and a lot of time on his hands. He was also, like me, raised Catholic. Apparently, he got some Italian Lord’s daughter pregnant and the guy forced him to resign the Papacy and marry his pregnant daughter by placing a loaded musket up his anus until he did. Ouch! Once the wedding was over and the musket removed, however, Pope Penile’s replacement, Pope Vaginal the Viscous, had the Lord burned alive as a heretic and made his still pregnant daughter clean up the remains. Those Catholics know how to get even, eh?

Pope Penile The Pontificator

Pope Penile The Pontificator

2.) Albert Einstein: W=1 gun squared. That’s the formula by which the guy who figured out that time itself is relative throughout the universe and not a constant got married. Al promised his childhood sweet heart, Betsy Hamburgbun, he’d marry her but then reneged on the deal when he fell in love with the cook from his college cafeteria, Anne Heimensteinstopinkissmeburg. Betsy’s father duct-taped two handguns together when he heard this and placed them up Al’s nose until he fulfilled his marriage promise to Betsy. They remained happily married after that for about six or seven years. Then Betsy became a Scientologist and Al divorced her with her father’s blessing.

Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

3.) Winston Churchill: Winston married his first wife, Jill Templehill, only after her father placed a sawed off shotgun against Winston’s temple and threatened to blow his brains out if he didn’t. It is very unclear as to why Winston’s marriage had to be conducted this way, as Jill was a strikingly beautiful woman, and not pregnant when the two were married. Strange, eh? But absolutely true. Absolutely.

Another Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

Another Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

End Volume One

 

 

05.14.14
by

Letters To The Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Here at TACP Inc, I get letters. Tons of letters. Most of them question my manhood and sanity, but a few are much more insulting and/or creative than that. So, I’ve decided to share a few of the best ones for the enjoyment of the plethora of readers I have world-wide. I’ve also included my response to each of these letters at no cost to anyone, anywhere, ever.

1.) This first letter was written in response a post I published criticizing Scientology. It reads as follows: “Dear Pontificator, You are not as smart as you think! You are a dumb-bell and you smell like rotten cheese. Your parents must truly be ashamed of your dumbness. I bet your teeth are yellow and protrude 7″ from your mouth. No decent woman would look at you, let alone sleep with you, so at least the world is free of your offspring. God have mercy on you, you idiot. May you burn in Hell forever.  Amy Bigbuttski, Loving Catholic and Mother, Warsaw, Poland.”

Response: Well Amy, all I can say to you is this: My teeth never, and I mean NEVER, have stuck out more than 4″ from my mouth at any time in my life. Now who’s the idiot, huh?

Who'd EVER Mock These Guys?

Who’d EVER Mock These Guys?

2.) This second letter was written in response to a post I published on Darth Vader and Yoda and it reads as follows:

“Dear Gay-face: You are gay. Did you know that, gay-rod? Did you? Why don’t you pontificate on just how gay you are, huh? No. Of course not! Cause you LOVE gays, right? They have rights, right? But Darth Vader and Yoda, they’re just fictional characters, so you think you have free-reign to pick on them without hurting anyone. Right, gay-breath? Right? Well I LOVE Darth Vader and Yoda, and your insensitive bashing of them has caused me to suffer from PTSD! Now how funny do you feel, gay-teeth! Huh? PTSD! You gave it to me. Fuck you, and good-bye, gay-hair! Yours forever, Pete Pencilpeepee, Mayor, New York City.”

Response: PTSD. Wow. That’s too bad, Pete. I was about to ask you out on a date. But there’s no way in Hell I’m ever letting another whack-job with PTSD suck my cock. Last one almost bit my dick off. Otherwise, pal, your letter was a real turn on. Thanks.

What Did We Ever Do To You?

What Did We Ever Do To You?

3.) The last letter I’ll share today was written in response to my post on Vladimir Putin and his funny sounding last name. “My dearest friend. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are the man of my dreams. You’re funny, sexy, smart, and surely your penis and tongue are very skilled at pleasing a woman. Just reading your post on Vladimir Putin made me wet. I simply must meet you and be ravished by you, over, and over, and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to masturbate for hours. That’s how HOT writing this letter to you has made me. Please come take me soon, and hard. Yours in Christ, Sister Mary Fannytight, The Convent For 18-19 Year Old Sexy Girls, Vienna, Austria.

Response: I’ll be right there Sister. Just booked my flight. See you soon. TACP.

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!