It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

Lutheran Jesus

Lutheran Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Catholic Jesus

Attention all Catholics and Lutherans! The battle you’ve all been dreaming about for almost 500 years will finally take place this Friday, Valentines Day, in a 6′ by 6′ locked steel cage, in a CVS parking lot in Gary, Indiana. It will be televised live on HBO and is a MUST see for all MMA and “snuff” film fans. Lutheran Jesus, generally thought of as the “Resurrected” Jesus, symbolized by an empty cross, will fight Catholic Jesus, generally thought of as the “Suffering” Jesus, symbolized by a cross with Christ nailed to it, writhing in agony, waiting to die. The two Jesuses will fight to the death locked inside a 6′ by 6′ steel cage with hammers, axes, knives, chain saws, and 9″ nails to use as weapons to determine which of them is the TRUE Jesus, and which is the imposter. Two Christs will enter, but only one will leave.

Lutheran Jesus and Catholic Jesus agree, quite strongly, that the other Jesuses in the world, Presbyterian Jesus and Methodist Jesus, to name two, are inferior Jesuses to both of them. This, they say, is because Catholic Jesus was the first and only Jesus with true power until Lutheran Jesus came into being and gained power, as well, some 1500 years later. Every other Jesus who’s popped up since then is merely imitating Lutheran Jesus and has no legitimate claim to the title of TRUE Jesus, the two say. They have also sworn an oath to each other that whosoever wins the battle will summarily seek out and kill all other Jesuses, and all those who follow them. So if you are one of those “other” Jesuses, or one of their followers, you may want to do some converting right about now to even your post fight chances of survival from 0 to an even 50/50. The future of all of Christendom is at stake with this fight, as well as the lives of millions of people. So be sure and watch “Jesus vs Jesus” on HBO this Valentines Day. It’s a fight you’ll literally be dying to see who wins.

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36 thoughts on “It’s Jesus VS Jesus, So Cry Havoc! And Let Slip The Dogs Of War!

  1. My brother-in-law is now following you. Luckily for the neighborhood kiddies, my Sis lives in a Jewish neighborhood. Not a Christian baby in sight.

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  2. Yeah…no, not for me, thanks. Had it been Jesus vs. Mohammed I probably would have tuned in. I guess the winner of this fight will eventually have to face Mohammed at some point.
    Sorry for my tepid response, but as an atheist I just feel left out when Christians start fighting each other. The stupidity of it is enjoyable of course, but still, why aren’t atheists invited to fight this battle?

    (Loved your post, though!)

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  3. Come on! Mormon Space Jesus could kick both their asses! That fucker is the ruler of the Celestial Kingdom, which i might add, is full of women making him sandwiches and spirit babies!

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  4. I will be waiting for this fight

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  5. I’ve been scrolling through my reader over breakfast hoping you had posted today. And lo you have. My only problem now is that I have to rush down to the betting shop in the pissing rain to check out the odds before I place my wager. It seems to me you may have inside information on this Ali/Frazier type clash of the Titans – upon whom do you recommend I bet?

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