Monthly Archives: March 2014

03.26.14
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Yoda & Darth Vader Discuss Noah, The Movie

Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah,  movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?

Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!

Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.

Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?

Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be.  Forever.

Sith Lord Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Sith Lord & Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?

Yoda: Lied I did.

Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?

Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did.  Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.

Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Fini

 

 

 

 

03.23.14
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Random Bits Of Craziness From The Hamster In My Head

There are so many ideas bouncing around in my head sometimes, I feel there must be a hamster running on a wheel up there producing them. I felt compelled to jot down some of them today even though they’re rather disjointed. Oh, if your smoking a joint and someone pulls it violently from you, you’ve just been dis-jointed.

X-ray Of My Head

X-ray Of My Head

Random Thought One: Putin

I like the sound of Vladimir Putin’s last name: PUUU TTT INNNN! I would write a senseless paragraph with a lot of alliteration and use that name as the inspiration, if only I were a more childish and immature person. Wait! I AM a childish and VERY immature person!  Whew! Glad of that. Now I can write it!

Putin Models His Look On Daniel Craig

Putin Models His Look On Daniel Craig

And Now, A Story.

Putin’s office assistant, Ivan Ur’ass, came home from work one day to his mannish wife, who had a mustache, no front teeth, and enough hair growing under her arms to stuff a queen size mattress with, twice, and said this: “Man, I had a rough day at work, honey. I had to put up with that puddin’ head Putin puttin’ on Presley tunes while eatin’ pizza and putzin’ with a puss on his face which I got tired of placatin’; so I placed him perpendicular, like a pencil, and popped his pretty nose plenty til he plopped down on the patio pavement outside by the pool for a nap. How was yer day? Oh, hand me a pop will ya? I’m pooped.” The End

Random Thought Two: Christian Apologists

Never once have I heard a Christian apologist, during one of those Apologist guy vs Science guy debates, use these four words together in the same sentence: I COULD BE WRONG. Never. Imagine William Craig Lane admitting his intelligent designer hypothesis COULD BE WRONG? No fucking way that will happen. Or imagine Ken Ham admitting he COULD BE WRONG about the Earth only being 6000 years old? No fucking way he’d ever admit that. I apologize, but Apologists have worked very hard to earn the lack of respect I now give them freely. They behave like preteen boys, always wanting to fight over who’s stronger, Superman or Hulk, and never seeing that the answer is simple: neither character is strong because neither character is real. Fighting about things that do not exist is a sure way to waste one’s life.

Random Thought Three: My dog, Roxy

My Best Pal, Roxie

My Best Pal, Roxie

Roxy is a miniature, long hair Dachshund and has been my best pal for almost 12 years now. She’s been a better friend to me than most humans I’ve known. She’s always nice to me and I love her dearly. She’s the best thing that’s ever been in my life. Say hello to everyone, Rox.

Bye for now.

03.23.14
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Dick Clark To Manage Apostles In Hot New Boy Band

Dick Clark announced today from Heaven that all twelve of Jesus’ Apostles will be reuniting as a boy band sensation called,”Ten Plus Two Gives You Twelve, Baby, Baby.” Clark will manage the group and handle the difficult job of promoting the twelve, two thousand-year old men as “boys” to a target audience consisting entirely of adolescent girls.

Dick Clark, Wadda Ya Thinkin' ?

Dick Clark, Wadda Ya Thinkin’ ?

“Yeah,” said Mr. Clark, “this isn’t going to be easy. Some of these fellas have been wearing the same clothes since the second century and haven’t shaved or showered since before that. But I’ve got eternity on my hands with not much to do, so I’m going to make this happen one way or another. On the plus side, however, is the fact these boys can REALLY SING! I mean it bloody brings tears to my eyes every time I hear a Justin Bieber tune come out of their mouths.

But Can They Sing Harmony?

But Can They  Harmonize?

You’d swear every angel up here in Heaven was singing along with them. Fucking beautiful!” Mr. Clark said he hopes to have the group performing at Jewish and Lutheran sock hops as early as next month and at Catholic and Pagan dances by the first of July.

03.23.14
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Dark Matter Files Racial Discrimination Suit Against Chicago Transit Authority

Dark Matter filed a racial discrimination suit today against the Chicago Transit Authority claiming it’s bus drivers consistently refuse it entry to their buses due to it being Dark, and not White, Matter. CTA spokesman, David Dicka’man denies this, and claims it is fear, not color, that’s keeping CTA bus drivers from letting Dark Matter on the bus. “They’re terrified that Dark Matter will vaporize any bus it enters as it expands outward, toward infinity, with ever-increasing speeds, as is its nature,” Mr. Dicka’man said.

Dark Matter Matters Too

Dark Matter Matters Too

“That’s total bullshit!” Dark Matter retorted, when told of Mr. Dicka’man’s statement. “Those stories about me bein’ some kinda’ super-fast, expanding, unknown something or other are not true, and they know it. My doctor sent a registered letter verifying this to the CTA months ago. I’m not allowed on those buses for one reason only: I’m black. And THAT is mother-fucking THAT! If I were White Matter and not Dark, we would not be having this discussion right now. They’re concerned a bus could be vaporized if I rode it? What kind of racist bullshit is that?! Fucking cracker-ass CTA can eat my black, Dark Matter, fat, dimpled ass. This is 2014 Chicago, not 1955 Birmingham. They ain’t doin’ shit like this and gettin’ away with it. I’ve got some excellent lawyers workin’ on this, and I’m gonna sue the ‘A’ right off the CTA. Racist mother fuckers. Terrified I’m gonna vaporize a bus, eh? They need to be more terrified of the amount of money I’m gonna vaporize from their bank account. Bastards!”

03.22.14
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The Joy Of Ignorance: When No Evidence Is The Evidence

As any reasonable person can tell you, the only possible answer to the gaps in our scientific understanding of the universe is God. Just acknowledging that there are gaps in what we know about the universe is proof, beyond all doubt, that God exists and created the universe between six thousand and 13.8 billion years ago. I rely on the flawlessness of this type of reasoning to provide me with infallible answers to every question I’m confronted with that I can’t explain and do not understand. Mastering the problem solving skills involved with this type of thinking has enabled me to solve many enigmas for which I’d otherwise have no answers.

Strange Object I Saw Last Night

Strange Object I Saw Last Night

Here’s a superb example of what I mean by this. Last night I saw a large glowing object moving slowly through the sky. I can honestly say, I’ve never seen anything quite like it in my entire life. I thought about what it could be for, I don’t know, maybe six or seven minutes, but could not come up with a reasonable answer to my own query. Once I realized I simply did not know what the object was, I concluded it HAD to be an alien spacecraft from a far distant world.  My dedication to this type of thinking has helped to prove, undeniably, that we are not alone in the universe. Imagine the type of world we would have if everyone had the same dedication.

03.21.14
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Polytheism Caused Disappearance Of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.

I Fucking Hate You All

Jesus Says, I’m Not Happy With You

“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.

Amelia Earhart

Amelia Earhart

Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.

Off To Kill Polytheists

Off To Kill Polytheists

We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”

03.20.14
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Putin Posts Nude Pics Of Edward Snowden On Obama’s Facebook Page

Cropped Pornographic Snowden Pic

Obama Found Pics Like This On His Facebook Page Today

In a brazenly crude act which has greatly increased the tension between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and his American counterpart, Barrack Obama, Putin hacked into Obama’s Facebook account this morning and posted several sexually explicit nude pictures of NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden on it.

Vladimir, You'll Pay For This!

Vladimir, You’ll Pay For This!

“This is retaliation on Putin’s part for me freezing him out of his Netflix account Monday,” a clearly offended President Obama said earlier. “I warned him I was going to kill his Netflix account if Russia used its military in the Ukraine over this Crimea bullshit, and he used it any way. I know exactly what he’s up to too, the Commie bastard. He’s sucked Crimea up into Russia as if it were merely a tiny piece of some Soviet Union puzzle he’s trying to reconstruct. I knew he’d be pissed about losing Netflix, but I never thought he was so twisted as to do something like this. Hacking into my Facebook account and posting pictures of Edward Snowden nude, in explicit sexual situations with light posts, mail boxes, owls, and lawn mowers is just not something the President of the United States will tolerate or easily forgive. My wife and my daughters saw that sick filth!

IMO, The Pics Were Quite Tastefully Done

Putin: “The Pics Were Quite Tastefully Done, IMO.”

President Putin needs to be aware of one thing right now: He really fucked himself by doing this. I don’t know how in the name of God he got Snowden to do what he was doing so gleefully in those pictures, but I’m personally going to make him pay dearly for posting them on my Facebook page for my family, and the nation, to see.

Obama's 'Lil Bomber

Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber

Beginning tonight, and continuing every night for six months, my personalized, stealth drone, ‘Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber,’ will be making a trip to drop hundreds of pounds of raw sewage onto the front lawn of whatever abode Putin happens to be staying in that night. If he stays in a hotel, the sewage will be dropped there. Also, if he decides to leave Russia and visit, say, Buckingham Palace and spends the night there, the sewage will be dropped on Buckingham Palace’s front lawn. There will be no escape for him from this. Hopefully he’ll learn from this and not do anything like this to me ever again. It was really, really mean.”