Yoda & Darth Vader Discuss Noah, The Movie

Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah,  movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?

Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!

Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.

Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?

Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be.  Forever.

Sith Lord Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Sith Lord & Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?

Yoda: Lied I did.

Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?

Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did.  Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.

Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.







I Worked Security On Noah’s Ark, Says Hamster

Crazy City, Montana.  A cute little teddy bear hamster named Ezekiel stopped by the Pontificator office yesterday and told me that not only was he a passenger on Noah’s Ark, he was its chief of security. I asked him if he’d do an interview for the site, and he said, “Wadda tink I stopped by ‘fer, pal?” Below is a transcript of the first ever interview with a 4000 year old talking hamster.

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah's Ark

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah’s Ark

Ezekiel: Okee dokee, pal.  Before you even ask a question, I’ll answer a few dat I’m sure are on yer mind. Yes, I am a hamster, and I’m 4000 years old. Da only way I kin explain my longevity to ya is dis: I age the way folks in da Old Testament did, really friggin’ slow. How? I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’ ’cause I love livin’. And yes, I kin talk, if ya ain’t noticed. Odd ya say? Not fer Old Testament times. All da animals talked back then. Not often, mind ya. Weren’t no need, usually. But you kin bet yer booty we talked when we was stuck on dat Ark fer all those months. Hell, we even put on a couple shows ‘n sung a few tunes. Woulda been a boring ass trip otherwise. OK, now dat dat’s outta da way, go ‘head ‘n ask yer questions.

ACP: Sure, but first, would you mind if I picked you up so I could hear you better and we can see eye to eye? I feel uncomfortable leering down at you like this.

Ezekiel: No problem at all, Bud. On da Ark, Captain Noah always held me up to his face when I gave ’em my daily security report, so I’m used to it. Man, I really miss dat ‘ole son of a sea cook.

ACP: (After picking up Ezekiel) I guess I’ll start with Noah then, now that you’ve mentioned him. What was he like?

Noah, Ironically, Looked Like Russell Crowe

Noah, Ironically, Really Did Look Like Russell Crowe

Ezekiel: Oh, he was a great guy, and get dis fer irony, he ‘n Russel Crowe coulda been twins, they look so much alike, had they not been born four millennia apart, dat is. Only complaint I ever heard ’bout ’em was dat his singin’ wasn’t all dat great in da musicals we did on da Ark. Dat’s pretty friggin’ ironic, too, when ya think about it, eh?

ACP: It is. And the other irony here is your timing. Russell Crowe’s movie, “Noah”, opens on Friday, and here you are giving an interview about what it was like on the real Ark two days before it opens. This isn’t some kind of cheap attempt at publicity is it?

Ezekiel: (After picking up his rifle and pointing it at my nose) Listen, Bud, I don’t take kindly ta folks questioning my integrity. You do dat again, an’ I’ll shot ya right in yer kisser! Ya catch my meanin’, Bud?

ACP: I do, and I’m sorry. Just is ironic timing is all. Anyway, I can see why Noah picked you to be head of security. For such a little guy, you’ve got a heck of a pair on you. Who or which animal or animals gave you the most trouble on the Ark? And, did any brew ha ha’s ever break out between the herbivores and the carnivores. I always pondered that question.

Ezekiel: (After placing his weapon back down.) Ta tell ya da truth, Bud, the biggest pains in my arse were da damn ducks. Talk about yer friggin’ prima donna’s. Nottin’ we did fer ’em was ever good enough. Quack, bloody quack, dis, and quack bloody quack, dat! Every friggin’ two minutes. ‘Our toilet runs. Fix it! Our food is the wrong brand of duck feed. Fix it! Our feathers are rumpled. Get a professional feather stylist an’ fix ’em!’

Ducks Were Prima Donna's On Noah's Ark

Ducks Were Prima Donna’s On Noah’s Ark

Moses, but they were a pain! I mean, no one else complained about things. Not da lions or da tigers or da bears, oh my! Everyone realized, dat with out dat ark, we was screwed. And bad. Even ducks kin only float ‘n drift fer so long ‘fore they gotta go onta land fer stuff. They really needed ta chill. But,’cept fer them, things were OK ‘tween everyone, and da carnivores were cool about not eatin’ the herbivores. They realized they needed ’em ta restock their food supply once da Ark came upon land again. Oh, and ‘fore I forget, there was no olive branch brought by a dove that informed us there was land. It was a huge-ass black sea snake named Henry who told us. He got the job of lookin’ ahead fer land after the dove who was doing it got fired for coming back drunk every time he went out. Rumor is he found an abandoned raft drifting about that had several barrels of grain alcohol on it. You know you have a drinking problem when you put your booze on a raft during a world ending rain storm before yourself. Oh, it’s later than I thought. I gotta run. Got a date with a sexy gerbil I meet yesterday.

ACP: Thanks for coming by, Ezekiel. Glad to have met you. Please don’t be a stranger, and stop by again. I’ve more questions I’d like to ask you.

Ezekiel:   I will, Bud. Take care, and thanks fer listenin’. Tootles!

Random Bits Of Craziness From The Hamster In My Head

There are so many ideas bouncing around in my head sometimes, I feel there must be a hamster running on a wheel up there producing them. I felt compelled to jot down some of them today even though they’re rather disjointed. Oh, if your smoking a joint and someone pulls it violently from you, you’ve just been dis-jointed.

X-ray Of My Head

X-ray Of My Head

Random Thought One: Putin

I like the sound of Vladimir Putin’s last name: PUUU TTT INNNN! I would write a senseless paragraph with a lot of alliteration and use that name as the inspiration, if only I were a more childish and immature person. Wait! I AM a childish and VERY immature person!  Whew! Glad of that. Now I can write it!

Putin Models His Look On Daniel Craig

Putin Models His Look On Daniel Craig

And Now, A Story.

Putin’s office assistant, Ivan Ur’ass, came home from work one day to his mannish wife, who had a mustache, no front teeth, and enough hair growing under her arms to stuff a queen size mattress with, twice, and said this: “Man, I had a rough day at work, honey. I had to put up with that puddin’ head Putin puttin’ on Presley tunes while eatin’ pizza and putzin’ with a puss on his face which I got tired of placatin’; so I placed him perpendicular, like a pencil, and popped his pretty nose plenty til he plopped down on the patio pavement outside by the pool for a nap. How was yer day? Oh, hand me a pop will ya? I’m pooped.” The End

Random Thought Two: Christian Apologists

Never once have I heard a Christian apologist, during one of those Apologist guy vs Science guy debates, use these four words together in the same sentence: I COULD BE WRONG. Never. Imagine William Craig Lane admitting his intelligent designer hypothesis COULD BE WRONG? No fucking way that will happen. Or imagine Ken Ham admitting he COULD BE WRONG about the Earth only being 6000 years old? No fucking way he’d ever admit that. I apologize, but Apologists have worked very hard to earn the lack of respect I now give them freely. They behave like preteen boys, always wanting to fight over who’s stronger, Superman or Hulk, and never seeing that the answer is simple: neither character is strong because neither character is real. Fighting about things that do not exist is a sure way to waste one’s life.

Random Thought Three: My dog, Roxy

My Best Pal, Roxie

My Best Pal, Roxie

Roxy is a miniature, long hair Dachshund and has been my best pal for almost 12 years now. She’s been a better friend to me than most humans I’ve known. She’s always nice to me and I love her dearly. She’s the best thing that’s ever been in my life. Say hello to everyone, Rox.

Bye for now.

Dick Clark To Manage Apostles In Hot New Boy Band

Dick Clark announced today from Heaven that all twelve of Jesus’ Apostles will be reuniting as a boy band sensation called,”Ten Plus Two Gives You Twelve, Baby, Baby.” Clark will manage the group and handle the difficult job of promoting the twelve, two thousand-year old men as “boys” to a target audience consisting entirely of adolescent girls.

Dick Clark, Wadda Ya Thinkin' ?

Dick Clark, Wadda Ya Thinkin’ ?

“Yeah,” said Mr. Clark, “this isn’t going to be easy. Some of these fellas have been wearing the same clothes since the second century and haven’t shaved or showered since before that. But I’ve got eternity on my hands with not much to do, so I’m going to make this happen one way or another. On the plus side, however, is the fact these boys can REALLY SING! I mean it bloody brings tears to my eyes every time I hear a Justin Bieber tune come out of their mouths.

But Can They Sing Harmony?

But Can They  Harmonize?

You’d swear every angel up here in Heaven was singing along with them. Fucking beautiful!” Mr. Clark said he hopes to have the group performing at Jewish and Lutheran sock hops as early as next month and at Catholic and Pagan dances by the first of July.

Dark Matter Files Racial Discrimination Suit Against Chicago Transit Authority

Dark Matter filed a racial discrimination suit today against the Chicago Transit Authority claiming it’s bus drivers consistently refuse it entry to their buses due to it being Dark, and not White, Matter. CTA spokesman, David Dicka’man denies this, and claims it is fear, not color, that’s keeping CTA bus drivers from letting Dark Matter on the bus. “They’re terrified that Dark Matter will vaporize any bus it enters as it expands outward, toward infinity, with ever-increasing speeds, as is its nature,” Mr. Dicka’man said.

Dark Matter Matters Too

Dark Matter Matters Too

“That’s total bullshit!” Dark Matter retorted, when told of Mr. Dicka’man’s statement. “Those stories about me bein’ some kinda’ super-fast, expanding, unknown something or other are not true, and they know it. My doctor sent a registered letter verifying this to the CTA months ago. I’m not allowed on those buses for one reason only: I’m black. And THAT is mother-fucking THAT! If I were White Matter and not Dark, we would not be having this discussion right now. They’re concerned a bus could be vaporized if I rode it? What kind of racist bullshit is that?! Fucking cracker-ass CTA can eat my black, Dark Matter, fat, dimpled ass. This is 2014 Chicago, not 1955 Birmingham. They ain’t doin’ shit like this and gettin’ away with it. I’ve got some excellent lawyers workin’ on this, and I’m gonna sue the ‘A’ right off the CTA. Racist mother fuckers. Terrified I’m gonna vaporize a bus, eh? They need to be more terrified of the amount of money I’m gonna vaporize from their bank account. Bastards!”

The Joy Of Ignorance: When No Evidence Is The Evidence

As any reasonable person can tell you, the only possible answer to the gaps in our scientific understanding of the universe is God. Just acknowledging that there are gaps in what we know about the universe is proof, beyond all doubt, that God exists and created the universe between six thousand and 13.8 billion years ago. I rely on the flawlessness of this type of reasoning to provide me with infallible answers to every question I’m confronted with that I can’t explain and do not understand. Mastering the problem solving skills involved with this type of thinking has enabled me to solve many enigmas for which I’d otherwise have no answers.

Strange Object I Saw Last Night

Strange Object I Saw Last Night

Here’s a superb example of what I mean by this. Last night I saw a large glowing object moving slowly through the sky. I can honestly say, I’ve never seen anything quite like it in my entire life. I thought about what it could be for, I don’t know, maybe six or seven minutes, but could not come up with a reasonable answer to my own query. Once I realized I simply did not know what the object was, I concluded it HAD to be an alien spacecraft from a far distant world.  My dedication to this type of thinking has helped to prove, undeniably, that we are not alone in the universe. Imagine the type of world we would have if everyone had the same dedication.

Polytheism Caused Disappearance Of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Says Melanie Bigclit, spokesperson for the latest militant Christian hate group, The Polytheist Eradicators. “It is because so many idiots today still insist gods other than the Christian God, Jesus, exist that Flight 370 has vanished,” Ms. Bigclit said.

I Fucking Hate You All

Jesus Says, I’m Not Happy With You

“Jesus sent it, and all on it, into the fires of Hell to burn for all eternity. He did this to show us his contempt for polytheists, even though none were on the flight. He did the same thing to Amelia Earhart, back in day, as well. Snagged her and her plane out of the sky and dropped her off in Hell. She’s been roasting in the fires there for decades because he hates polytheists so much, even though she herself isn’t one.

Amelia Earhart

Amelia Earhart

Jesus gave us specific instructions in the Gospels to eradicate polytheism by the year 1678. He states very clearly that if we do not, he’ll get mad, and hate us. Well, he got mad. And he hates us. That’s why we’ve formed the Polytheist Eradicators group. Each member receives a loaded machine gun, training on how to use it, a burning torch, and a switch blade when they join.

Off To Kill Polytheists

Off To Kill Polytheists

We MUST hunt down and kill every polytheist out there as quickly as possible. Hopefully this will appease Jesus and help ensure that no more aircraft come up missing. Amen.”