Christian Apologist Says Theory Of Gravity Dumber Than Evolution

“As far as I’m concerned,” Christian apologist Richard Limp said today, “the outright stupidity of the theory of evolution has nothing on the COMPLETELY fucked up gravitational theory touted by physicists. Who, but a totally naive idiot, would believe we’re held on the Earth by some made up, invisible gravitational ‘field’? Ridiculous! As any true Christian can tell you, we are held on the Earth by a clump of Velcro-like material which God has lovingly inserted into each of our feet. You may find this hard to believe, but in spite of this in-arguable fact, I almost discarded it in favor of ‘gravity’ once myself. After viewing a Stephen Hawking science documentary one evening on PBS, I decided the theory of gravity made sense and the theory of Velcro didn’t.

My Favorite Teddy, Flea Bite, Drifting Toward Doom

Flea Bite, Drifting Toward A Ceiling Fan, Prior To Being Returned Safely To Earth By God

Just as I was about to fully commit to the theory of gravity however, my favorite Teddy Bear, Flea Bite, drifted up off the floor toward a twirling ceiling fan. Terrified he would be torn to shreds, I frantically begged God to forgive my temporary lack of sanity. He did, and he promptly returned Flea Bite to me safe and sound. I present this as conclusive evidence that the theory of gravity, like the theory of evolution, is nonsense. The only real science is the Bible and the only true scientist is God. Gravity! Some people will simply believe anything.”

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Religious Animal Talk

Gotham City, Gotham.  Fr. Tickle Me’Booty, animal photographer and matzo ball soup expert, stopped by our Sydney, Australia office today with some pictures he took recently of animals reflecting on religion. We present them below for your enjoyment.

1.)

I Think I Had Too Much Wine At Communion Earlier. I Am WASTED!

I Think I Had Too Much Wine At Communion Earlier. I Am WASTED!

2.)

Let Me Get This Right. You're Saying You Believe This Sugar Cube, And The Honey On This Fork, LITERALLY Are The Body & Blood Of Your God Because Some Priest Prayed Over Them?

Let Me See If I’m Getting This Right. You’re Saying You Believe This Sugar Cube, And The Honey On This Fork, Have LITERALLY Become The Body & Blood Of Your God Because Some Priest Prayed Over Them?

3.)

If I've Said It Once, I've Said It A Million Times: Yes, There Is A God, And She's An Owl.

If I’ve Said It Once, I’ve Said It A Million Times: Yes, There Is A God, And She’s An Owl.

4.)

One Thing I'm ABSOLUTELY Certain Of Is That IF God Exists, He Most Definitely Has Blue Eyes.

One Thing I’m ABSOLUTELY Certain Of Is This: IF God Exists, He Most Definitely Has Blue Eyes.

5.)

So, Then, I Told My Peeps, "If You All Don't All Worship Me And Kiss My Ass, I'm Gonna Get REALLY Angry And Make You Spend An Eternity In Hell Cleaning Out Kitty Litter Boxes."

So, Then, I Says Ta My Peeps, “If You Don’t All Worship Me And Kiss My Ass, I’m Gonna Get REALLY Angry And Make You Spend An Eternity In Hell Cleaning Out Kitty Litter Boxes.”

6.)

It's Like The Man Said: "Blessed Are The Nut Hoarders For They Shall Have Food In The Winter." The Hat's Just To Keep My Ears Warm.

It’s Like The Man Said: “Blessed Are The Nut Hoarders For They Shall Have Food In The Winter.” The Hat’s Just To Keep Me Ears Warm.

7.)

This Holy Book SUCKS!!!! It Doesn't Mention ONCE That The Universe Was Created By A Hedgehog Named Cleo! I'm Tearin' It Up To Use As Lining For My Cage.

This Holy Book SUCKS!!!! It Doesn’t Mention ONCE That The Universe Was Created By A Hedgehog Named Cleo! I’m Tearin’ It Up & Usin’ It As Lining For My Cage.

Lucifer Thrown Out Of Heaven, Again

Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.

Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.”  I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’  She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’

Lucy, Lucifer's Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

Lucy, Lucifer’s Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers.  You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”

And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!

 

Moses Hires Amish To Build New Ark Of The Covenant

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

In thrilling news today Moses, the man to whom God gave the Ten Commandments, announced he has begun construction on a new Ark of the Covenant and has hired the Amish to help him do it. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” said Moses. “I can not tell you how pissed off I was when I heard the first Ark had gotten lost back in the day. I mean that thing wasn’t a toy. You could literally knock down a mountain with this fiery shit that blasted out of it. And God help you if you ever opened it: Burnt to ashes you were! I don’t know what happened to it, but I looked and I couldn’t find it. And you can believe me, if I couldn’t find it, it ain’t ever gonna be found.

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

A few days ago, I was rummaging through my sock drawer and found the original notes I made as God was dictating the Commandments to me. There actually were 14 at first but I convinced Him ten was a more reasonable number if He expected people to remember them. I hired these Amish fellas I know to help me rebuild the Ark so I can keep these notes in it, as my sock drawer isn’t really appropriate. These guys can whip up a barn in like a day, so we should have the new Ark finished before Christmas.”

Supreme Court Rules Men’s Genitals Belong To U.S. Gov’t And Christianity

Life-Long Masturbator Listens To New Supreme Court Ruling

Life-Long Masturbator Listens To New Supreme Court Ruling

In a ruling that’s sure to shock more than a few people, the U.S. Supreme Court and The Christian God, have determined that a man’s genitals, and most importantly his sperm cells, DO NOT belong to him and he DOES NOT have the legal or moral right to masturbation, fornication, or touching of his genitals for any reason other than to urinate or to clean them. Any man not following this law will be summarily executed without trial.  “Each sperm cell,” the Supreme Court declared today,”is half a human being.  To ensure that the rights of these Christian sperm half people be protected, each newly born baby boy will be implanted with an electrical device which will notify authorities if masturbation is attempted at any point during the male’s life. Also, if the male attempts to fornicate outside of an approved Christian marriage, he will be hanged, eviscerated and feed his own entrails while yet alive, and all on live TV.  This ruling is final and can not be over turned. It is what the Christian God wants, and it comes from a place of deep love for all God’s creatures. Amen.”

Ugh: The God Who Doesn’t Give A Shit

ughWhile I was contemplating how exactly Dunkin Donuts was able to get granulated sugar to stick so successfully to the doughnut I was eating, I heard a knock at my back door. I opened it to find a god standing there who said his name was Ugh and he wanted me to interview him for my site. I, being the god-loving atheist I am, agreed. Here is the interview. I hope you find it enlightening, and I hope you believe me when I tell you, every word of it is absolutely true.

ACP: Well, Ugh, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve never heard of you before. I only recognized you as a god because of your tunic and your glowing mustache. Tell me a little bit about yourself to get us started. For example, what type of rules do you have for those who worship you?

Ugh: Rules? Ain’t got any. Don’t give a shit about ’em. Don’t give a shit about anything, really.

ACP: Wow. Never heard of a god who didn’t give a shit about anything. But, if that’s really the case, why did you want to do this interview with me? You sought me out, remember? Before, like, 5 minutes ago, I never even knew you existed.

Ugh: My mother made me do it. Said I needed to start giving a shit about things because, well, I’m a god, damn it. She thought being interviewed would help me focus on what I really wanted out of life.

ACP: Your mom told you to ask me to interview you? That’s a new one. Live and learn, eh? What’s your mom’s name?

Ugh: Thud.

ACP: Her name is Thud?

Ugh: Yes. Asshole. Do you have a problem with my mom’s name?

ACP: No. Not at all. Who am I, a mere atheist, to question a real god about his mom’s name. If I may ask, while we’re on the topic, what’s your father’s name?

Ugh: Crunch.

ACP: Interesting. Your folks sound like a comic book panel. But that’s cool. Are they gods of anything in particular? You know, like Thor’s the god of thunder kinda thing, and Venus is the goddess of love?

Ugh: No. They’re just average, run of the mill, gods. Dad works in a nebula in the Andromeda galaxy making stars, and mom just stays at home all day watching her “picture shows” on the tellie. Mom’s just worried bout me cause every time she asks what I want to do with my life, I tell her I don’t give a shit. Cause I don’t.

ACP: Well, you seem to at least give a shit about doing what she asks you to do because you’re doing this interview. That’s a start at least. Maybe, in time, you’ll find a good niche to give a really big shit about? Wadda ya think?

Ugh: Maybe. Sounds stupid though. But who knows. Anyway, I gotta go meet my girlfriend on Neptune. You’d like her. She doesn’t give a shit about anything either. Could you please just give me a note to give my mom so she knows I was really here? She’ll think I’m lying otherwise.

ACP: Sure thing, Ugh, and grab a doughnut for the road. It’s really cool how the sugar granules stick to ’em without any tape or anything. Hey, before you go, could you tell me your girlfriend’s name?

Ugh: Sure, it’s Burp. Thanks for the note. I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll stop by again sometime and you can interview me some more. Maybe.

ACP: Cool. Be sure to bring Burp with you. I’d love to meet her. See you later, and thanks for coming by.

The End

 

Awesome Shit I’ve Done That No One’s Noticed

greatnessHere’s a list of some of the awesome, great shit I’ve done that no one’s noticed. In particular, the Nobel Prize Committee hasn’t noticed these things, at least not publicly, because they are prejudiced against me for my demanding a Nobel Prize from them. They are bastards for this, and I will continue to point out how nasty they are until they either give me my award or kill me. I won’t shut up otherwise. Well, that’s not true. If they gave me like, 7 million Euros, I’d shut up, but until then, I won’t. Here’s the list. I do hope you enjoy being awed by the great shit I’ve done.

1.) I visited Ancient Rome and no one cared. I was told it wasn’t there anymore. Really? I took a picture of it from the airplane I was on that PROVES it’s there!!! Can you spell, C O V E R  U P?

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

2.) I named myself Holy Roman Emperor but got my ass kicked when I charged the Vatican with a rubber sword demanding the Pope recognize me as such. Why? Am I not pretty enough? CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

3.) I met the aliens who built the Pyramids and got piss drunk with them one night in Valparaiso, Indiana. I even took pictures, and yet no one believes me. Assholes. They can deny all they want, but I KNOW the truth!!!!!

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

4.) I discovered the Higgs boson, like 30 years ago, but did anyone believe me? NO! They waited to give credit to other people just to piss me off! Bastards! Fucking bastards!!!!!

I Discovered The Higgs Boson

Higgs Boson Discovered By Me

5.) I’ve become a Sheikh named Pontificatius, the Unshaven, yet Muslims threaten to kill me whenever I demand they blindly follow whatever I say. Bastards!!!

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

That’s it for now folks. I’ll report later on more of the injustices I’ve suffered, and still suffer, at the hands of the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee for being the great person I am. They are SOOOOO jealous of me. Imperious Rex!