While I was contemplating how exactly Dunkin Donuts was able to get granulated sugar to stick so successfully to the doughnut I was eating, I heard a knock at my back door. I opened it to find a god standing there who said his name was Ugh and he wanted me to interview him for my site. I, being the god-loving atheist I am, agreed. Here is the interview. I hope you find it enlightening, and I hope you believe me when I tell you, every word of it is absolutely true.
ACP: Well, Ugh, I’ve got to tell you, I’ve never heard of you before. I only recognized you as a god because of your tunic and your glowing mustache. Tell me a little bit about yourself to get us started. For example, what type of rules do you have for those who worship you?
Ugh: Rules? Ain’t got any. Don’t give a shit about ’em. Don’t give a shit about anything, really.
ACP: Wow. Never heard of a god who didn’t give a shit about anything. But, if that’s really the case, why did you want to do this interview with me? You sought me out, remember? Before, like, 5 minutes ago, I never even knew you existed.
Ugh: My mother made me do it. Said I needed to start giving a shit about things because, well, I’m a god, damn it. She thought being interviewed would help me focus on what I really wanted out of life.
ACP: Your mom told you to ask me to interview you? That’s a new one. Live and learn, eh? What’s your mom’s name?
ACP: Her name is Thud?
Ugh: Yes. Asshole. Do you have a problem with my mom’s name?
ACP: No. Not at all. Who am I, a mere atheist, to question a real god about his mom’s name. If I may ask, while we’re on the topic, what’s your father’s name?
ACP: Interesting. Your folks sound like a comic book panel. But that’s cool. Are they gods of anything in particular? You know, like Thor’s the god of thunder kinda thing, and Venus is the goddess of love?
Ugh: No. They’re just average, run of the mill, gods. Dad works in a nebula in the Andromeda galaxy making stars, and mom just stays at home all day watching her “picture shows” on the tellie. Mom’s just worried bout me cause every time she asks what I want to do with my life, I tell her I don’t give a shit. Cause I don’t.
ACP: Well, you seem to at least give a shit about doing what she asks you to do because you’re doing this interview. That’s a start at least. Maybe, in time, you’ll find a good niche to give a really big shit about? Wadda ya think?
Ugh: Maybe. Sounds stupid though. But who knows. Anyway, I gotta go meet my girlfriend on Neptune. You’d like her. She doesn’t give a shit about anything either. Could you please just give me a note to give my mom so she knows I was really here? She’ll think I’m lying otherwise.
ACP: Sure thing, Ugh, and grab a doughnut for the road. It’s really cool how the sugar granules stick to ’em without any tape or anything. Hey, before you go, could you tell me your girlfriend’s name?
Ugh: Sure, it’s Burp. Thanks for the note. I appreciate it. Maybe I’ll stop by again sometime and you can interview me some more. Maybe.
ACP: Cool. Be sure to bring Burp with you. I’d love to meet her. See you later, and thanks for coming by.