Monthly Archives: February 2014

02.28.14
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Annihilate Scientology With Hearsay: It’s Fair Game

All I Said Was I Heard It

All I Said Was I Heard It

I’ve been reading up on Scientology today. And I feel completely comfortable and guilt free in saying it needs to be annihilated by whatever means necessary. It isn’t a religion. It isn’t a business. It isn’t a cult. It is evil. Evil personified. It needs to be quickly and completely eliminated. An effective technique for doing this is the, “I Just Heard Offensive.” Here’s how it might work, should one choose to use it.

Scientology = Illuminati ?

Scientology = Illuminati?

I just heard, earlier, that The Church of Scientology is considered by enlightened conspiracy theorists to be controlled by the Illuminati and the Trilateral Commission. Earlier, I also heard that The Church of Scientology was behind 9/11. They created a false trail to Al Qaeda and Bin Laden merely as a cover-up. It’s believed by some, or so I’ve heard, that the government was getting too close to too many Scientology secrets, so they concocted the events of 9/11 as a warning to the government to back the fuck off. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I’ve also heard The Church of Scientology has huge orgies involving farm animals and people dressed as L. Ron Hubbard in leather bondage gear. At these orgies, Scientology members are often sodomized by pigs, sheep, horses, ducks, chickens, cats, and even barn owls, or so I’ve heard. From what people say, Church members often engage in plotting out ways to overthrow the U.S. Government while performing fellatio on cattle.

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

I hear this is dangerous, but then, I’ve heard Scientology members are suicidal idiots who do not fear death as long as they’ve the cock of a beast of burden in their mouth when they die. Sounds extreme, I know. But I’m only writing what I’ve heard others say. And I hope what I’ve heard gets The Church of Scientology’s attention. Why, you ask? Well, because, from what I’ve heard, they have a policy to aggressively attack anyone or any organization that is in any way critical of them. Interesting. I’ve heard I’m being critical of them right now actually. I’ve heard I want them annihilated. Go figure, eh? You know, I’ve heard that hearsay, true or not, can be really hurtful to people, as well as to evil organizations that need to be eliminated. I heard that from someone earlier. Honestly, I can’t remember who said it, but I really did hear it. Earlier.

02.27.14
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Scientology Attacks Gay Marriage; A-theist Sociopath Attacks Scientology

Hello. My name is David Christiankill, I’m an a-theist and a sociopath. I’ve no empathy for the religious fundamentalist-types I torment and eventually eat. I don’t eat people because I’m an a-theist. I eats ’em ’cause I likes ’em! Tasty meat, human is. Any way, why I’m here. I look upon myself as a hand of righteous vengeance. I strike at those who seek to glorify themselves by dehumanizing others to hide the doubts they have about themselves. This article on Scientology’s attempt to legitimize itself by doing what the Christians and Muslims do best, hate gays and fight gay marriage, caught my eye. Scientology Attacks Gay Marriage as Dangerous to Society – Canada cult | Examiner.com

Me, An Atheist Sociopath

Me, An Atheist Sociopath

I realized after reading this that I’ve yet to eat a Scientology member. I pondered why this was, and here’s what I came up with. As sick, over-the-top and violent as Christianity and Islam are, I still think of them as religions, evil ones, but religions none the less. Scientology I think of as a prolapsed horse’s anus with flies buzzing around it because it smells like shit, mucous, and blood all at the same time. Excuse me for that comment, it wasn’t nasty enough to express how I truly feel, but be patient, I’m just warming up.

He' Nuttier Than Me

He’s Nuttier Than Me

So, Scientology is homophobic and disapproves of two people who love each other getting married if their privy parts match, eh? You guys really have a pair of balls, I’ll say that. Has anyone in your little cult of stupidity ever looked in a god damn mirror? Do you see religious leaders looking back out at you, or do you see what the world sees. Oafish apes who dress like humans, walk like humans, and have vile habits like humans, but most definitely are not humans. All humans I’ve ever come into contact with have had at least a shred of pride and a morsel of self-awareness. Scientology members have neither. I say this, because you fuckers are NOT a religion, and you’re insistence that you are, irritates the shit out of me.

Why Scientology Is A Joke

Why Scientology Is A Joke

You are assholes. You are stupid-heads. You are nachos with a big, “Sorry, outta cheese,”  sign on you. You are clowns who no one laughs at and wish were dead. You are a hemorrhage on the pussies and cocks of every man, woman, and child whose time you’ve wasted trying to convince you’re a religion. And you’re represented by actors whose careers you’ve destroyed by letting them associate themselves with you. In other words, you’re a joke, and you are not appreciated even for that because you’re not a funny one,  just a mundane, suicidally sad one.

I Want Alex Back!

I Want Alex Back!

Either you ass eaters change your rhetoric on gay people, and let Laura Prepon be on the WHOLE season 2 of “Orange Is The New Black,” or I’m coming for you. And  I’m going to boil you alive in olive oil, then eat you while I play graphic gay porn for you to enjoy while I do.

02.26.14
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Islamic Fundamentalism & Ken Ham: Let’s Compare

Me

Me

It was brought to my attention, that Ken Ham, Creationist and intellectual Neanderthal, commented, when I satirically said I was going to eat him for Christmas dinner a while back, that I was only picking on him because I was afraid to pick on Islam. Well, Ken, you were wrong. I’m going to pick on Islamic Fundamentalism right now, but don’t think that gives you a pass. I’m going to pick on you, too. I’ll use The Bible and The Qur’an to look for parallels between the primordial workings of your frontal lobes, and the withered frontal lobes of those practicing the hate-ridden, subhuman, bestial religion known as Islamic Fundamentalism. See, little Kenny, I pick on Islam, too. Stupid this or stupid that, it’s all the same, stupid.

Ken Ham: Bible Literalist

Ken Ham: Bible Literalist

Here’s how this will work, folks. I’m going to comment on two direct quotes from The Qur’an, and two from The Bible. First, I’ll quote from the Qur’an, comment on how moved I am by Allah’s words; then quote from The Bible, which Ken Ham says is literally true, and offer my comments on that. Since Ken Ham says every single word in the Bible is true, I am taking everything in it to represent his personal beliefs 100% accurately. And I mean word for fucking word, literally, as written, with no room for interpretation. That clear, little Kenny. Good. Here we go.

The Qur’an, First Quote: Christians and Jews (who believe in only part of the Scripture), will suffer in this life and go to hell in the next. 2:85

Lovely, ain’t it? Just lovely. And why, oh why, does everyone insist on hating the Jews? Man, those folks have had a rough fuckin’ ride. Hey! Christians! Yes, you! Christians! How does this quote make you feel? There are mother fuckers out there who believe this is God’s word. They hate you. Millions of people hate you. How do you fucking feel about that? Their “faith” is stronger than yours, Christians. Like that? Little Kenny, how ’bout you? This shit is taken literally by many, many Muslims. How the fuck do you like that? Oh, they’re not joking, little Kenny. They REALLY want you to suffer. Does that make you feel good?Quotation-Al-Stefanelli-religion-world-people-Meetville-Quotes-200125 The Bible, First Quote: Deuteronomy 25:11-1: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

I actually like it when women grab my cock, even if I’m in a fist fight with another dude when they do it. Hell, I encourage them to use both hands. In case one falls off during the fight. But Ken Ham believes a woman who does something like this must have her hand cut off, without pity. Kenny, you violent son of a bitch! I didn’t know you had it in you. Wow. Literally reading the Bible makes me very afraid of you, Kenny. Very. You’re a psychopath. I’m just fucking around with my writings, but you, you take this shit literally, as God’s specific, unchangeable words and desires. Fuck you, Kenny. And don’t give me this shit that Genesis is literal but other parts of the Bible aren’t. The Bible is or is not to be taken literally, you violent misogynistic psychopath, you.

The Qur’an, Second Quote: Part One: Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people. 2:193a

Part Two: But if there are any wrong-doers around after you’ve killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you’ll have to kill them too. 2:193b 303418_472012259482844_2086843371_nCriminals get killed AFTER all the disbelievers. Nice. Whenever someone tells you, or you hear, that Islam is a religion of peace, and love, reread this verse. Reread it until your eyes bleed. Millions of people on Earth, right now, today, this second, believe, with all the power “faith” brings to people, that these words are true and are to be carried out. Combine this with the hate-filled, disgusting rhetoric of Fundamentalist Christians, and we have a really, really fucked up situation. It is not OK to give faiths or beliefs or religions any type of special deference as a society. Continuing to do so will destroy us. This kind of black and white religious thinking is increasing, not getting better. It is coupled with a powerful anti-science sentiment as well, and this is not OK. It is sickening. Horrible. Terrifying. And Ken Ham, you are as guilty as your Islamic counter parts in feeding this process. It will annihilate the human race and leave nothing of us behind if we don’t stop it. Reread the verse above. Now reread it again. Now, use your fucking head about how important “faith” really is to mankind’s survival and grow the fuck up. islam_will_dominateThe Bible, Second Quote: And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son…. (II Kings 6:28-29)

So, little Kenny Ham is a fucking cannibal! What an hypocritical son of a whore you are, Kenny. I’m writing over the top, hate or love it, satire. I don’t mean it LITERALLY!!! But YOU! You, Kenny! YOU DO! You sick fucking bastard! The Bible, literally! Word for word! Really, Kenny. So tell me, you sick twisted excuse of a man, how do boiled babies REALLY taste? You fuck! You dare call people who do not believe in your god sinners, evil, doomed, cannibals, immoral, and corrupt, and then say you are a devotee of The Bible, which you take LITERALLY! You sick son of a bitch. What a pair of balls you have on you. You know, I hope your god, Jesus, is real. And when you die, you actually get called out on all the evil you do, and all the pain and hurt you bring into the world by condemning people who simply disbelieve in your god. I hope Jesus personally escorts you into the Hell you condemn others to.

Christianity Is About Love?

Christianity Is About Love?

You, little Kenny, read the Bible literally. It is you who boil and eat babies, literally. And as far as my limited human mind can tell, The Bible, literal or not, was not written as a piece of satire. Fuck you, Kenny. Take a long look in the mirror before you ever think of passing any kind of judgmental thought on any of your fellow human beings ever again. And take a fucking science class, will you? The Earth is 6000 years old only, unbelievable.

02.25.14
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William Lane Craig VS Stan Lee: Which Hero Is Real?

As any comic book, movie, or fan of hallucinogenic compounds can tell you, the debate over which comic book super hero actually exists, Spiderman or Superman, and which does not, has been raging for decades. Well, tonight, ACP productions, in association with Disney Entertainment, is proud to present William Lane Craig and Stan Lee in a debate over this very issue. I, TACP, will be your host and moderator throughout the debate. And so, without further ado, I present to you Stan Lee, who has always claimed Spiderman is a real guy, and he, Lee, just the reporter who told his story, and William Lane Craig, the Christian Apologist who has always argued that Superman is not only real, but is Christ himself, sans beard, in a blue suit, with a big S on the chest, and a bright red cape on his back. Gentlemen, if you’ll please be seated, I’ll explain the rules and we can begin.

If Spidey Ain't Real, Then Who Paid For Reno That Night?

If Spidey Ain’t Real, Then Who Paid For Reno That Night?

Lee: Excelsior! Let’s rumble!

Craig: Has anyone seen my notebook? It has Alexander Vilenkin on the cover. Anyone? Well, if it turns up, please bring it to me. Looking at Vilenkin’s picture calms my nerves. We can begin whenever you want, Mr. Moderator, you baby eating a-theist demon, you.

Where's My Damn Note Book?

Where’s My Damn Note Book?

ACP: Why thank you, Mr. Craig. I resemble that.  Now the rules. I’ll ask each of you a question. You answer, and your opponent gets a brief rebuttal if he wants, then I move to the next man and we repeat. Got that? OK.

Craig: Wait! I’m not messing around people. I have very powerful friends! I want my god damn notebook, now!

Lee: Oh, just sit down and act like a grown up, will you, Bill? It’ll turn up. Imperious Rex!

ACP: Great. OK, Mr. Lee, you get the first question. What tangible evidence can you produce, if any, to support your claim that Spiderman is a real guy?

Lee: That’s easy. Here in this bag are two pair of authentic, Spiderman tights, which he tossed out because, as you can see, the crotch areas are entirely worn out. And, I also have this signed picture of Spidey and me at the 1988 Broadway premier of Les Miserables. He even authenticated it for me by personalizing it when he signed it. “Me and Stan at a play premier. I hate plays. Because I’m Spiderman, and I’m real, and there’s crime to fight out there. I need to be out there, not in here writing on this fucking picture of me and Stan.” Now if that ain’t proof, Bill, what is?

I'm As Real As Real Can Get

I’m As Real As Real Can Get

ACP: Mr. Craig, do you have a rebuttal?

Craig: You’ll be rebuttin’ my foot up your ass if my notebook doesn’t turn up soon, Boy! I at least need a damn 8 by 10 glossy of Alexander to hold when I talk. Have that cronie of yours over there print one off the internet for me. Please.

ACP: That cronie you’re pointing at happens to be my Mother, but I’ll ask her to get your picture. Now, do you have a rebuttal to Mr. Lee’s statement?

Craig: Tights with the crotches worn out? A picture with the whole “Moby Dick” novel written on it as a signature? In what alternate Vilenkin universe do you think that would stand as evidence for anything, let alone as proof that Spiderman is real? Crap, Stan. It’s crap. Remember, Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary evidence. What’s so hard to understand about that?

ACP: OK, Mr. Craig, time for your question. What proof do you have that Superman is real?

Craig: First off, you a-theist bastard, I have God’s word from a little book called, The Bible. Your evil ass should read it. “And the Son shall become the Father, as the Father becomes the Son, and the Father forgives the Son, as the Son goes to Earth and becomes a founding member of The Justice League of America along with Batman and Wonder Women.” How do like that Stan, eh? How do like that?!

You'll Know I'm Real When My Heat Vision Is On Your Ass

You’ll Know I’m Real When My Heat Vision Is On Your Ass

Lee: I’m using my rebuttal time to just here and peacefully fucking die! That’s how stupidly boring that answer was. You’re an idiot, Bill, and I’m scared to be in same room with you.

ACP: Here’s your picture, Mr. Craig.

Craig: God bless you, you Godless son of a whore.

ACP: You’re welcome. Now, Stan, your final question: Where is Spiderman now, and why does he choose to remain invisible to us?

Lee: Well, it’s a mystery, and it’s so big our tiny non-super hero minds could never comprehend it. Thus, we have to rely only on our “Faith” that Spiderman is real to ensure ourselves that he really is real. Take that home to your skank bitch wife and feed it to her, Bill! I just kicked your ass, and your balls, out of the ball park! Excelsior!

Craig: I don’t care Stan. I have my picture of Vilenkin to look at. Do what you want with me. All that is me is now your’s to abuse.

William Lane's Man Crush, Alexander Vilenkin

William Lane’s Man Crush, Alexander Vilenkin

ACP: OK, gentlemen. That’s enough! Time to go home. You guys have lost all signs that you just might be sane. I’ve called you both cabs and….HOLY FUCK!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s FUCKING SUPERMAN! YOU’RE REAL!!!

Superman: Yes, you a-theist dog! I am. I’m going to fly these two ninnies home, then go fuck Lois’ brains out through her hot, girlish ass. Bye, Satan Spawn.

ACP: Bye Superman. Thanks for coming by to call me abusive names! I love you!

THE END

02.25.14
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Taliban To Sell Stones To Stone People With On Wednesday

Rocks For Stoning

Islamic Stoning Rocks

The Taliban, those humorless Muslim mother fuckers we’ve been fighting in Afghanistan for years, are holding a sale this Wednesday on the special stones they use for killing their women when their women behave like whores. “Stoning rocks, we call them,” said Taliban Press Secretary, Omar Yew Sukcock’a. “They must be hand-picked from the desert by two Sheiks, each wearing a gold tunic, on the fourth Sunday after each quarter moon has passed. Mohammad was given these exact instructions by Allah; not to follow them is punishable by stoning. These stones are very expensive, but a man must always have enough of them to stone his wife and/or daughters with should they choose to behave like whores and remove their veils in public or force a man to rape them by looking into his eyes.

Taliban Press Secretary, Omar Yew Sukcock'a

Taliban Press Secretary, Omar Yew Sukcock’a

As any good Muslim man will tell you, women are devils, sent here to tempt us into damnation with their eyes and faces. The fucking sluts! Should one of them force a man to lose control of himself and rape her, she will be stoned to death in as painful a way as possible. The right stones cause pain first, bleeding second, and then, finally, death as the whore’s skull collapses, and she slowly dies while the gathered crowd chants, “Whore!” over, and over, and over, again.

Rape Victim & Whore Being Stoned

Muslim Rape Victim Being Stoned

The stone sale this Wednesday will be great fun. Men of the Taliban will gather to buy stones, and, when they’ve finished, they’ll gather again to tell great stories about the deaths of the whores who’ve tempted them. Praise be to Allah!”

02.21.14
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Catholic Church Still Doesn’t Get It

This recent U.N. report on the Vatican’s despicable, decades long, behavior in its handling of little boy priest rapists is one the Church needed to take humbly, with the utmost respect and seriousness. UN report urges Vatican to act over child sex abuse | euronews, world news

Of course, true to form, they didn’t. Instead, they attacked the U.N. report for what they claim is an “unfair” and “distorted” portrayal of the Church. Vatican calls UN child abuse report ‘distorted’ and ‘unfair’ | euronews, world news

Here’s my distorted and very fair response to the Catholic Church: FUCK YOU! Really fellas, fuck you! Every damn Cardinal, Bishop, and Pope who’s ever been involved in the moving of child rapist priests from one unsuspecting community to another needs to be charged with crimes against humanity and imprisoned til the flesh rots from their bones. The Church needs to be forcibly liquidated: its great wealth then given to the victims of the child predators it has so ubiquitously created and protected all these years. Period. End of the fucking story.

Catholic Church Is Evil, Baby, Says Satan.

Catholic Church Is Evil, Baby, Says Satan.

It is time we, as a species of cognitive creatures, place the well-being of our children above our deference for organized religions and their insipid, insulting concept that invisible realms and beings are more important than the one’s that exist right here, right now. I’m sick of hearing how children are considered to be valued above all else in our society when it is damn clear they most definitely are not. Deference to invisible deities and those institutions that promote their ultimate importance over reality are what we hold most sacred as a society. If our children were as important as we claim they are, their value to us would supersede all else. ALL else. And fuck anyone who tries to argue to the contrary. The reality of what we, as a society, have allowed the Catholic Church to get away with, right in front of our eyes, for decades, annihilates any such argument before it can even begin. Enough already.

02.20.14
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Ken Ham, PZ Myers & President Obama To Debate Facial Hair Benefits

This Sunday evening Creationist Ken Ham, former Skeptic Movement member, PZ Myers, and President Obama will debate the pros and cons of men having beards and/or mustaches on a live, televised event from the White House. “I know that this has been a pressing issue on the minds of every American for sometime now,” President Obama said earlier, “and I felt it was time I addressed the issue rather than let it remain a very large elephant in our very small room of a country for much longer. So I asked for help from two of the most unusual men I know, who also happen to have facial hair, and I shut down all network and cable broadcasts from 8 PM til 11 PM for this coming Sunday. We three men now have a full 3 hours to debate this issue. I asked Mr. Ham to help out with this debate for two reasons. One, because he wears a beard, and he looks damn good in it, too, I might add. And two, because of his unwavering ability to stand by his belief that the Universe is only 6000 years old in spite of the fact he couldn’t be more wrong than if he believed he were really a beautiful ballerina trapped inside a man’s body. I admire that kind of bull-headed stubbornness in a person; though I wouldn’t want him teaching in any school my kids attended. The crazy bastard.

Ken Ham With His Attractive Facial Hair

Ken Ham: Attractive Facial Hair

I chose PZ Myers for two reasons as well. One, because he also has facial hair, though his makes him look a bit wolfen, IMO. And two, because of his courage to quit the Skeptic Movement when 98% of the country actually had no idea there even was one. Now that’s brave folks. A lesser man would just have stopped paying his monthly “Skeptic Movement” dues and said nothing. Drawing attention to one’s self over something as trivial as this could, well, it could leave you open to ridicule and increase your chances of being cannibalized. There are CRAZY people out there today, folks. CRAZY people!

PZ Myer With His Wolf-Like Facial Hair

PZ Myers: Wolf-Like Facial Hair

I know that one of the leading causes of everything from divorce to drug abuse stems from the fact most women do not like their men to have facial hair. Apparently it irritates their skin when they kiss them. This very issue actually once drove me to toss a pair of dirty socks at Michelle when she told me, under no uncertain circumstances, that I could not grow facial hair if I ever hoped to kiss her, much less have sex with her, ever again. I’m a MAN, damn it all to Hell! And like all men, I think a beard looks fucking really cool on me. And VERY masculine! Damn it! I want one! Why do I have to choose?! Huh?! Why?! Friggin’ women! They know we can’t live without the “nookie.” They damn well know it! And they hold that shit over our heads to make us do what THEY want, when THEY want, and how THEY want, all the damn time! This here is a HUGE issue, people! Huge!

President Obama Wears No Facial Hair

President Obama: No Facial Hair

So, I’m really looking forward to Sunday and the 3 hours Ken, PZ, and I will be debating this, and other facial hair issues, on EVERY TV station in the country, at the exact same time. I’m damn curious how Ham got his wife to OK his facial hair, so I’ll start by asking him that. Probably got all Biblical on her ass and threatened to have her stoned to death if she complained, or some such shit. See, there is a benefit to being extremely dense after all. Anyway, tune in Sunday for what’s sure to be an awesome 3 hours of TV. See you then.”