Monthly Archives: October 2017
10 Reasons Why Americans Are Superior To The British
10.) British people speak English, but they sound really, really weird doing it. Americans speak it as it should be spoken: correctly.
9.) British people foolishly call flashlights “torches”. This is not only incorrect, it’s dangerous. Who the hell keeps a lit torch burning in a drawer just in case of a power outage? Idiots with funny accents, that’s who.
8.) British people drive on the wrong side of the road. Again, this is as stupid as it is dangerous. If the Brits can’t learn to drive on the correct side of the road, they shouldn’t be driving at all.
7.) The British are constantly sticking their noses into the business of other countries, often telling them what to do and how to do it. America would never do that. Not only is it wrong, it’s flat-out not nice. America is always nice.
6.) Brits call soccer “football”. Are you kidding me? This is insane! Soccer is NOT football. If the British can’t learn to call sports by their correct name, they shouldn’t be allowed to play them. Americans would NEVER confuse soccer with football. Crazy!
5.) In Briton, they practice an untrue form of Christianity. This is insulting to Jesus, and the millions of true Christians who make up the backbone of American society. If the Brits don’t want to burn forever in hell, they’d better learn to be real Christians and give up that nonsense they practice. Jesus is watching you, people.
4.) England is an island. America is a COUNTRY! Deal with it you British fools!
3.) British citizens do not have the constitutionally guaranteed right to own and carry firearms. Americans do. This is why America is a ludicrously safe place to live. Some fool tries to rob an American with a gun and BANG! we shoot the bastard dead. Brits can’t do that. That’s why so many of them are killed daily by bad hombres with guns.
2.) The Brits call french fries “chips”. Seriously? Are you f$$kin’ kidding me? A french fry is NOT a f$$ckin’ “chip”. Jesus! Once again, if Brits can’t learn the difference between a fry and a chip, they should not be allowed to have either. Just stick with salads. Hard to call those by the wrong name.
1.) Briton lost the Revolutionary War. We won it. Thus, America is superior to Briton. This is an inerrant, inarguable fact. Deal with it.
It’s Time For The Adults To Take America Back From The Children
Enough. I’ve had enough of Trump and the fools who put him in office. Let me define “fool” in this instance for you. Fool: Anyone who did not vote, voted for Trump, or voted for an “alternate” candidate in the 2016 Presidential election. It is YOUR fault this happened. Period. And understand this: I’m NOT a huge Hillary supporter, but if she had won, millions would not have just lost their health insurance due to a presidential order. We’d not be tempting Kim Jong-un to nuke us, and we wouldn’t have just antagonized Iran to the point that they’ll soon be able to nuke us. As well, if you are a poor, struggling, workin’ class white dude, like I am, and voted for Trump because, “By golly, we really gotta shake things up in Washington, and Trump’s just the straight shooter to do it,” one of three things, or a combo of the three, must be true. 1.) You’re suffering from a severe cognitive impairment that makes common sense reasoning not possible for you. 2.) You’re a bigot who feels a sense of entitlement to ‘Murica based entirely on your race. 3.) You’re a flat-out bad person who’s vindictive, hateful, and mean by nature.
The time of coddling the poor, misunderstood Trump voter needs to end. Children, at some point, need to be told, “No. We can not allow you to continue to play with gasoline, tinder, and matches because it’s dangerous and you’re hurting many, many innocent people.” We are on the verge of a nuclear war because the grown ups in America continue to let a mentally challenged bully run the White House. Far too many of us, liberals and conservatives alike, are afraid to ruffle the tender feathers of the hyper-sensitive snowflakes who support the hate, rage, and ignorance that radiate from Trump like beams of light from a star gone super nova. There are schools for children with special needs where the Trump supporters, and Trump, should be put. It’s time for that to happen, at least on the metaphoric level. Of course, it most likely never will happen because the GOP owns the keys to said school and they’re not giving them up for fear they’ll be locked up in it, too.
I’m disgusted by my country, by many of the citizens in it, and by the pain and suffering Trump is causing to me and to so many others. Trump and his supporters are children-petulant, angry, spiteful children who want nothing more than to wreak havoc and enact vengeance on all they consider to be their enemy. I do not care about “fixing” them or listening to their sad stories about being forgotten and left behind by a society that’s moved beyond their limited capacity for reason and empathy. Not anymore. That time is long past. I just want to stop them; put them somewhere where they can hurt only each other and not the rest of civilization. How to do this without breaking laws and winding up in prison myself is what perplexes me nowadays. I don’t know. But I do know I’ve had enough. As the rapper Eminem recently said in one of his raps, “I’m drawing a line in the sand and you’re either on my side or you’re on his.” I’m on Eminem’s side, and I don’t even like rap.
All I have available to me right now to fight back against the vile sickness that is Trumpism are words. All I can do is vent, so I’m gonna. Fuck you, Trump! Fuck you Trump voters and supporters! And to the apathetic, lazy fucks, I’m looking at you Millennials, who think voting and being involved in how this country is run is simply not important to you, that it doesn’t affect you, FUCK YOU! And please, please refrain from breeding because the last fucking thing the world needs is more of you fucking lazy idiots. $Amen$
Arm Chair Pontificator Wins Yet Another Nobel Prize
Chicago, Illinois. The world-famous blog, The Arm Chair Pontificator, was awarded its second Nobel Prize in four years by its creator and writer, Inspiredbythedivine1, earlier today. “I deserve this award,” Mr. Inspired said to himself this morning, “because everything I think or write about is always completely and inerrantly correct. How many other bloggers can make this claim? None, I tell you, none! Thus, I’ve awarded myself another Nobel Prize. I’ve emailed the Nobel Committee of this occurrence and expect them to send me my award any moment now. If they refuse to do this, like they refused to send me the last award I gave myself several years ago, I will prank call their children, their parents, and their pets until I bend them to my will with the pure intimidation of it all. I want to thank all of the 6 billion readers of my blog for supporting me, and it, over these past few years. It is not easy making up silly shit off the top of my head 3 or 4 times a month, but knowing you’re out there, reading what I write and having it enrich your lives far more than anything else you may have in them, makes it all worthwhile. Thanks again to all of my fans, and remember, a note or a call to a Nobel Prize Committee member threatening to flay them alive if they refuse to recognize me for this award, would be greatly appreciated.”
It’s Time To Ban White Men From ‘Merica
After the shooting by a white male in Las Vegas yesterday which left 50 people dead and another 200 injured, I can only say this: white men need to be banned from ‘Merica. Permanently. We need to begin with the immediate deportation of all white males as soon as possible. They clearly are the scourge of the earth and have no place in a country built on Jesus Christ, love, freedom, and guns like ‘Merica is. Also, we need to place a travel ban on all the “white” countries of the world, Sweden, Switzerland, and Norway come immediately to mind. As well, walls need to be built around all white neighborhoods in ‘Merica to keep those white males we can’t deport quickly enough from invading decent, law-abiding neighborhoods and killing everyone in them. White men are evil. Pure and simple, and this latest act by a depraved white male in Las Vegas proves it. Case closed. The right type of ban is the white type of ban. $Amen$