Ken Ham Is The Wolf Man, Says Bill Nye

“And the son of a bitch tried to rip my throat open the night of our debate,” a frightened and shocked Bill Nye told TACP News just a few moments ago. “My brain was so full of endorphins from listening to Ham’s redundant Creationist bullshit all night, I couldn’t get to sleep. So I stopped trying after a while, and decided to watch reruns of my all time favorite TV show, ‘Chips’ instead.

Ham Transforming Into The Wolf Man

Ken Ham Transforming Into The Wolf Man

Somewhere around 3:30 AM, I heard a howl right outside my hotel room door, so bestial in nature, it literally made every hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Quickly following this, I heard scratching on the door, and then a loud growling voice began chanting, ‘Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill! Well, I have a BOOK of answers, Bill!’  I knew immediately, upon hearing these mind dissolving words once again, that it was Ham clawing at my door for some ungodly reason. In my rush to silence him by striking him with my clenched fist, I tossed open the door to find, not Ken Ham, but the Wolf Man standing there instead. When he saw me, he promptly began clawing for my throat.

Ham Fully Transformed Into The Wolf Man

Ken Ham Fully Transformed Into The Wolf Man

I rushed back into the room, grabbed the hard bound Bible that was on the table near the bed, and began beating the vile wolf beast about the head with it. Because I lift weights regularly, if I may say so myself, I happen to be one incredibly powerful mo’ fo’. Thus, my Bible blows to the Wolf Man’s head quickly rendered the monster unconscious. It slumped to the floor and quickly transformed back into its human form, which just happened to be Ken Ham. When Ham awoke, he found himself where he is as we speak: locked inside a cage inside the Evolutionary Sciences Building at Harvard University. He’s awaiting the arrival of Richard Dawkins who’s been asked to help with the study of Wolf Man Ham to help determine just where on the evolutionary scale of mammalian development he fits.

Bill Nye gives A Big Salute To Science

Bill Nye gives A Big Salute To Science

Funny how things like this work out. By debating me, Ken Ham not only showed how incredibly unscientific Creationism truly is, he also revealed himself to be a previously unknown species of hominid that is part man and part wolf.  A real grand slam event for science, I’d say, eh?”

Robert The Reviewer & Ken Ham Hunt A Haggis

In honor of the Ken Ham Bill Nye debate, held earlier this evening, TACP presents to you a tale told by Robert The Reviewer about the time he and Ken Ham went Haggis hunting in the moors of Edinburgh, Scotland.

Robert The Reviewer & Ken Ham Hunting Haggis

Ken Ham & Robert The Reviewer Hunting Haggis

‘Dis ‘ere’s Robert da Reviewer, ‘n I be tellin’ ye all toda’ a tale ov da time me ‘n me frind, Ken ‘am, da Creationist fella who also happins ta be an expert in huntin’ beasties ‘newn as Haggis, once went a’ huntin’ fer a pertcularly ferocious Haggis dat was eatin’ up all da Christian bebbees in ‘n ‘roun’ the moors of Edinburgh. I could nae ‘ave me ain son wi’ me on dis pertcular edventur’ ’cause ‘es more girl t’an man, ‘n ‘e would nae be able ta handle da stress ‘o huntin’ such a nasty beastie Haggis as dis. Nae room fer girly men on a trip like dis! So’s I got’s me ‘ole pal Ken ‘am tae come ta Edinburgh ta kill dat Haggis wi’ me ‘n eat ’em wit me wife ‘n meself. Me son, bein’ da girly-sissy boy ‘e is, I promised tae nae share a meal wi’ again ’til he larned ta act a MAN ‘n stop bein’ so girly! Da dam’ pansy dat ‘e is!

The Moors Of Edinburgh: Haggis Country

The Moors Of Edinburgh: Haggis Country

As soon as Ken ‘am arrived, ‘e ‘n I went ta da moors ov Edinburgh tae begin our ‘unt fer da ferocious beastie Haggis! I ‘ad me Da’s ain’ Haggis killin’ sword wi’ me, ‘n Ken, ‘e ‘ad wi’ him a Japanese Samurai sword ‘e said ‘is ma give ‘im when ‘e turned a man at 4 years ‘eld. I n’er thought we’d e’vr git tae kill dat Haggis at first, though. Me pal, ‘am, ye see, ‘es one ov doe’s Bibel Literalis’ fellers who’s aw’a’s talkin’ ’bout dat girly boy sissy ov a woman-god, Jesiz. I’d nae could follow dat girly man ov a god if me ain life depended on me doin’ so. ‘es a PANSY GIRLY MAN, nae a god tae follow fer real men like me! ‘e let them damn Romans neel ‘is arse tae a cross ‘n ‘e died! Wa’ keenda bastard-pansy ov a god does dat?! A girly boy sissy faggot ov a god, ’tis wha’ I say! So’s I tells Ken ‘am dis, ‘n ‘e gets pissy wi’ me ’bout it! ‘Den ‘e tells me da Earth be only 6000 years ol’ ‘n men ‘n dinosaurs lived together at da same time, right ‘er ‘n da moors ov Edinburgh, ken! Well, me lassies ‘n laddies, dat saved Ken ‘am in me eyes ‘n kipt me from stickin’ ‘im wi’ me Da’s sword. Ye see, I see’s it as a good thing when a man who’s damn’d crazy, like Ken ‘am is, kin thump ‘es chest ‘n stupidly, ‘n wi’ conviction, tell all who’ll lisen’ ta ’em jus’ how stupid ‘e is by sayin’ da stupid things ‘e believes wi’ out any evidence a’tall. Ken ‘am spouted dat shite fer hours as we hunted fer dat ferocious Haggis in those damp moors.

Ferocious Haggis Beastie

Ferocious Haggis Beastie

It made up fer ‘is worshippin’ dat pansy-ass sissy girl Jesiz god ‘o ‘is, an’ it helped ta lull dat beastie Haggis inta’ a bit ov stupidity ‘iself, fer nae sooner ‘ad Ken ‘am finished ‘is yakin’ tae me ’bout ‘is stupid beliefs on da age ‘o da Earth, than dat Haggis leaped from a tree ‘n landed on Ken ‘am’s back. Dat’s when I drove me Haggis killin’ sword inta its ugly Haggis hide whilst shoutin’ out, ” FUCK DAT PANSY ARSE JESIZ, KEN ‘AM! YER ARSE JUS’ GOT SAVED BY ROBERT DA REVIEWER ‘N ‘IS HAGGIS KILLIN’ SWORD!” Needless ta say, me laddies ‘n lassies, Ken ‘am t’was damned thankful tae ‘is ‘ole pal, me. We took dat dead Haggis haem, ‘n after I beat me more-girl-than-man ov a sissy son ‘n me fargin’ wife fer havin’ dat woman ov a man son ‘o mine, we cooked dat beastie right up ‘n ate ’em down wi’ several pints ‘o Scotland’s finest beer. Dat was all of us but me boy, however. ‘im I sent ta the store tae buy ‘imself some pink ice cream wi’ cherries ta eat. Dat’s all dat’s fittin’ fer a son who’s more girl than man. Once ‘e learns tae be a man, ‘e kin eat wi’ da likes ov guys like Ken ‘am, who may be stupid, but ‘is still a MAN! See ye soon kiddies. Dis is Robert da Reviewer sayin,’ good bye.

TACP’S Top Ten 2014 Predictions

I Predict That.......

I Predict That…….

Forgot to do this earlier in the week, but I predicted last year that this would happen, so it simply adds to my confirmation bias that I’m an infallible genius because I said so. Anyway, I am an excellent psychic because I am a man of Faith. The one true Faith: Mine. Here are my predictions for 2014 which will happen, and if they don’t, I’ll say they did anyway and those who doubt me will be dubbed Faithless, a-theist bastards. And all Faithless, a-theist bastards will be burned at the stake for doubting me. Faith, my friends, is all you need.

  1. The President will chastise the Nobel Prize Committee for not yet awarding me my Nobel Prize. He will then give me my own drone to intimidate them with until they do.

  2. Ken Ham will kick Bill Nye’s ass during their debate forcing the ghost of Christopher Hitchens to return from the dead and drag Ken Ham back with him into Hell.

  3. PZ Myers will be outed as a clown school drop out who’s only major accomplishment in life was to learn his ABC’s correctly way back in the 1st grade.

  4. Tea Party members will continue to be rich, white, Christian, and irritating. However, those in the party owning guns, will all accidentally shoot themselves in the right foot during a routine barrel cleaning and proclaim, “Good God! Liberals have rigged my weapon to attack me somehow!”

  5. Man-induced global warming will continue to increase until new strands of flesh-eating bacteria all but wipe out humanity. This will induce Republicans to proclaim,” Good God! Liberals have created new strands of flesh-eating bacteria and released them on us!”

  6. Mitt Romney will still be pissed off about the election he lost to a black man.

  7. Little boy Catholic priest rapists will be accused of embezzling funds from the Vatican bank prompting authorities to finally admit there is a definite problem in the Catholic Church with little boy priest rapists.

  8. Sarah Palin will be abducted by a Yeti in Alaska and disappear for 9 months. When found, it will be learned she has become the proud mother of Yeti twins, a boy and a girl.

  9. Jesus will return to Earth and slap the shit out of Christian religious leaders; he’ll then return to Heaven without once having uttered a single word.

  10. Theology will be banned as an academic study and those seeking to study it will be placed in an empty, pitch-black room and told if they can find the raccoon in it, they can get some candy and go to heaven.