Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson To Star As Creationist, Ken Ham

The Rock As Ken Ham In Ken Ham: The Motion Picture

The Rock As Ken Ham In Ken Ham: The Motion Picture

Coming this July from TACP Productions, Ken Ham: The Motion Picture, starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Ken Ham and Bryan Cranston as his nemesis, The Evil Atheist Infidel.

Bryan Cranston As An Evil Atheist Infidel

Bryan Cranston As The Evil Atheist Infidel

After seeing this movie, you will believe a grown man can be dumber than a doorknob and more cantankerous than an enraged baboon.  Follow the adventures of a muscle-bound creationist, Ken Ham, as he trumps across America attempting to cram his own personal take on Christianity up the anus of his arch-enemy, The Evil Atheist Infidel.  If you enjoy watching angry Christians with a distorted sense of reality crying about the injustices they endure because America is not a theocratic nation under their rule, then this is the movie for you.  See Ken Ham: The Motion Picture.  Jesus will love you for it.

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Tonight On Pontificator TV: Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, Starring Ken Ham

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, premiers tonight on Pontificator TV.   The show stars Ken Ham as Dracula, a vampire who, rather than sucking blood, sucks logic and reason out of his victims until they blindly follow him and his idiotic belief that the Earth is only 6000 years old and the Bible is the inerrant word of God.

Ken Ham IS Dracula

Ken Ham IS Dracula

As his nemesis, we have Neil deGrasse Tyson as Professor Abraham Van Helsing, a scientist so appalled by the idiocy of everything Dracula stands for he has dedicated his life to stopping him.

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Van Helsing

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Abraham Van Helsing

As Dracula’s slave and mindless minion, we have Bill Maher as Renfield.

Bill Maher IS Reinfield

Bill Maher IS Renfield

As the woman Dracula most wants to suck the reason from, we have The Virgin Mary as Mina Harker.

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula's Prey

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula’s Prey

Lastly, as the only weapon that can completely destroy Dracula and ruin his evil plan to suck humanity’s reason dry, we have a photo of Charles Darwin that was consecrated real by Carl Sagan in 1979.

Chuck Darwin's Photo IS The Antidote To Dracula's Bite

Charles Darwin’s Photo IS The Only Antidote To Dracula’s Bite

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, debuts tonight on Pontificator TV.  Watch it, or I’ll make fun of you.  Imperious Rex!

Anthropologist Discovers Creationists Living Next To Homo Sapiens

Cave City, Kentucky.   Interesting news today comes to us from Anthropology Professor, Buddy Uptome of the University of Chicago.  “I was walking in a wooded area of Kentucky, not far from a town filled with your average Homo Sapiens, when I came across a building called, The Creationist Museum,” Professor Uptome said earlier.

Homo Sapiens

Average Homo Sapiens

“I went inside, out of curiosity, and found the place to be crawling with Young Earth Creationists, a species of hominid known as Homo Stupidous Ignoramous, long thought to be extinct.  This particular species of hominid has the same brain capacity and usage of its frontal lobes as regular Homo Sapiens.  However, members of this species exhibit a narcissistic, willful, ignorance when it comes to science and learning about the world around them.  Instead, this species of hominid deliberately chooses to believe the words of the Bible, a bronze age book which glorifies a homicidal, maniac of a god, are literally and undeniably true.   Members of this species can usually be identified by their arrogant and self-righteous attitude when speaking of the Bible, and their Abraham Lincoln-like beards.  (See photo below)

Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Easily Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards

Members Of Homo Stupidous Ignoramous Can Be Identified By Their Abraham Lincoln-Like Beards

It is my recommendation, as an anthropologist and an average Homo Sapien, that you stay out of the woods of Kentucky and avoid Homo Stupidous Ignoramous at all costs.  Its members are not only insulting to the intellect, they’re highly offensive in their deliberate attempts to convert you to their dangerously naive way of thinking.  Also, they smell bad.   These are things all normal, intelligent humans are better off without.”

Ken Ham Discovered To Be 33,000 Years Old

WTF City, Kentucky.   In simply stunning news today, Harvard Anthropology Professor, Jimmy D. Peenus, announced he has found irrefutable evidence that famous Young Earth Creationist, Ken Ham, is, himself, almost 33,000 years old.  “Mr. Ham is the walking embodiment of a brand new, long-lived form of hominid I’ve named, Homoerectus Ignoramus,” Professor Peenus said earlier.  “I found the evidence for this while I was in the Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave in France examining the stone-age paintings there.  Whilst gazing at one of the paintings, I noticed it more resembled a photograph than an actual painting.  On further inspection, I noticed some writing on the back of the picture which reads, The Earth is only 6000 years old.  Love always, Ken Ham.  I then had the picture carbon dated, and, sure enough, it is, like the other pictures in the cave, approximately 33,000 years old.  The picture in question is shown below.

Photo Of Ken Ham From 33,000 BP Which Was Found In The Chauvet-Pont-d'Arc Cave In France

This Photo Of Ken Ham, From 33,000 BP, Was Found In The Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave In France

Needless to say, I was shocked to realize that I had been standing on the very spot Ken Ham himself stood, 33,000 years ago, spouting his Young Earth Creationist nonsense to a group of primitive human painters.  No known species of animal has ever been reported to live as long as Mr. Ham has.  I must say, however, in conclusion, that I find it rather sad that in all the years he’s lived, Ken Ham has not yet developed the capacity to reason like a mature, educated human being.  The man’s been telling people the Earth is only 6000 years old for all of his 33,000 years on it. You truly can’t get irony any sadder than that.”

 

Search For Terrestrial Intelligence Program Launched By Ken Ham

Ken Ham Shows His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Ken Ham Shows Off His Amazing Intelligence By Sporting This Abraham Lincoln-esque Beard

Hollow Skull, Kentucky.  Creationist and founder of the highly intelligent Creation Museum in Kentucky, Ken Ham, announced today he is sponsoring a Search For Terrestrial Intelligence program in order to find the few intelligent people on Earth who realize the Bible is, word for word, undeniably true, and Jesus is our true Lord and Savior who loves everyone equally whilst hating fags.  “I just know in my highly intelligent mind that there are other people out there who are as intelligent as I am,” Mr. Ham said earlier today.   “I’ve come up with a test to give people to see which ones are intelligent and which are stupid, dumb-dumb heads.  It’s a test I call the Search For Terrestrial Intelligence.  It consists of three simple questions which are as follows: 1.) Are you intelligent enough to recognize the great intelligence I, Ken Ham, possess?  2.) Are you intelligent enough to understand the Bible is absolutely, word for word, correct? And, lastly, 3.) Do you accept the fact that if you answered ‘no’ to either of the first two questions you’ve proven yourself to be an unintelligent poo-poo head and an evil atheist?  This test will weed out the dumb-dumbs from those brilliant enough to realize my superior intellect.  The test will also help Jesus sort through the idiots who didn’t believe in my intelligence come judgement day.  It will also help me and my followers know who to hate much more clearly.  So, if you think you’re intelligent, take the test and prove it.  Otherwise, I, and Jesus, will just assume you’re a stupid poo-poo face.”

Coming Soon, PontificatorFlix

 Stream The Brilliance Of TACP Movies Striaght To Your TV With PontificatorFlix

Stream The Brilliance Of TACP Straight To Your TV With PontificatorFlix

Here are a few original shows now in production for our new video streaming service, PontificatorFlix. It will be available starting this June for a small monthly fee of two Christian infants and a donkey not weighing less than 100 pounds. Sign up now, and receive a free set of Republican-Thumpin’ brass knuckles designed to knock even the densest Republican brain into oblivion.

1.) Another Brokeback Mountain: A 13 part mini-series that stars Creationist, Ken Ham and Christian apologist, William Lane Craig as two self-aggrandizing Christian bigots who “cute meet” at a God hates fags rally in Texas and, ironically, fall head over heels in love with each other. Watch the hilarity as Ken and William have heated discussions on who’s gonna pitch, who’s gonna catch, and what type of lube is best to avoid anal chaffing. This one’s gonna be fun for the whole family, folks!

Ken Ham & William Lane Craig Share Their First Kiss In: Another Brokeback Mountain

Ken Ham & William Lane Craig Share Their First Kiss In: Another Brokeback Mountain

2.) The Walking Fred: Freddie Mercury returns from the grave and walks the earth looking for other undead musicians in order to create a new band called, The Risen Queen.  Enjoy great music and shocking, gore-filled special effects in this soon to be classic horror show produced exclusively for PontificatorFlix.

Freddie Mercury Returns From The Dead In: The Walking Fred

Freddie Mercury Returns From The Dead In: The Walking Fred

3.) Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day: Former U.S. Vice-President and rat-bastard extraordinaire, Dick Cheney, awakes one day to discover he’s been transformed into a 30-year-old, female, Asian prostitute enslaved to a sadistic Iraqi army general named, Eval Mean Dude. Watch in joyful glee as the former V.P. embarks on a life of sexual slavery in a country he once bombed into oblivion while looking for weapons of mass destruction that never existed. This one is rated TVMA for its graphic, and repeated, use of the phrase: “Republican mother fucker, take that!”

Dick Cheney In: Dick Cheney & The Terrible, Awful, Really, Really Bad Day

Dick Cheney In: Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day

That’s all for now, but check back soon for more info on more shows coming soon to PontificatorFlix.

 

Internet Stud PZ Myers Joins Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs

Fox News reporter, Phil O’Shite, reported this morning that internet super-stud, and former Pro Jello-Wrestler, PZ Myers has joined The Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs being spear-headed by Creationist and Abe Lincoln look-a-like, Ken Ham.

Ken, Abe Lincoln, Ham

Abe Lincoln Look-a-like, Ken Ham

“If this story is confirmed, it will make the first Moon Landing, in comparison, seem like one of those Jewish holidays Christians can never remember the name of,” said O’Shite. “The odds of something like this happening are so astronomically large, no one thought it worth the time to actually calculate them. And yet, here we are on the brink of having dinosaurs once again walk the planet. For if these two giants of the human intellect can’t find a way to send a breathing T-Rex into every Christian school in the country for a little show and tell, no one can. While we’re awaiting an official announcement from President Obama on this, let me provide a bit of background information on these two Hercules-like studs for the reader.

 

Dinosaur Revivalist, PZ Myers

Dinosaur Revivalist, PZ Myers

PZ Myers has had a few publicly embarrassing occurrences come his way in recent years, his abrupt, dramatic departure from a Skeptic movement no one knew existed, and his unsubstantiated claims to have had sexual encounters with female Yeti’s being but two of them. Ken Ham, as well, has had his struggles since coming to the States from Australia. His pet kangaroo, and body-guard, Lamont, has been pulled over for multiple DUI’s since arriving, causing Ken a great deal of frustration and shame, and just recently some idiot on the internet said he was going to eat him for Christmas dinner just to get a sick, cheap laugh from the few diseased minds out there who think cannibal humor is funny. So this joint venture to perform what is tantamount to a miracle is just what these two boys needed right about now. Still no word from the White House, so let me explain how dinosaur revival is expected to work.

First, Ken and PZ will crawl up to the edge of our very flat Earth; then, PZ will hold Ken upside down by his ankles so he can reach underneath the Earth to find, and remove, some dinosaur bones. These bones will then be place in a very special container, shaped like miniature Noah’s Arks, and filled with water. The miniature Arks will be placed in an empty parking lot near PZ’s house, and Ken will pray over them for God to allow the water within them to rehydrate the dinosaur bones back into living dinosaurs within 2 weeks, give or take a day. Sounds like a flawless plan to this Fox reporter, who just got word that not only has President Obama confirmed this story, he also has confirmed that Evolutionist, Richard Dawkins, has joined the Flat Earth/Creationist Movement to Revive The Dinosaurs.

 Earth Is Flat As A Pancake, Says Dinosaur Reviver, Richard Dawkins

Earth Is Flat As A Pancake, Says Dinosaur Reviver, Richard Dawkins

Apparently, PZ and Ken convinced Mr. Dawkins, with ease, that the Earth was only 6000 years old and flat. But Mr. Dawkins was unwilling to fully commit himself to the dinosaur revival mission until the three men could come to an agreement on just HOW flat the Earth, indeed, was. Ken Ham sealed the deal with Dawkins when he suggested the Earth was as flat as a ‘pancake,’ and Dawkins replied, ‘Who could argue with that?’ So stay tuned, folks, for news about when the dinosaurs first become revived. There can be no doubt it will happen, and soon, now that Dawkins’ genius has been added to that of Ham’s and Myers’.”