Cosmos TV Show Is Dumb And Stupid, Says Southern Christian Pastor

Backwater, Tennessee. An outspoken, and very angry, Southern Christian pastor, The Reverend James Tightsphincter, is claiming the new version of “Cosmos” is not only dumb, it’s stupid.

Reverend James Tightsphincter

Reverend James Tightsphincter

“First off,” Mr. Tightsphincter said this morning, “Mike Tyson is a gosh darned ex-boxer and a convicted felon! What in the H E double toothpicks makes him qualified to host a program about the cosmos? Really?! I mean COME ON!!! Secondly, it is HIGHLY insulting to air such, excuse my French, crud on TV because it is demeaning to Christians like me who are very, very smart and know that the Bible is the ONLY truth there is to EVER know about space and stuff! OOH!!!! I’m telling you, I could poop nickles right about now, I’m so mad!!! Does Mike Tyson think, that just because he’s a big, bad tough guy with a tattooed face, that he can go on TV and tell people lies about the origin of man?! That no good-nick! God made man, and he made him 6000 years ago. That’s an undeniable fact, Mr. Heavyweight Man! And that, excuse my French again, crud you said about the universe being billions of years old is also NOT true. You liar, liar pants on fire, you! There’s harm in telling such lies, pal. They have frightened and angered my poor Jesus loving children SOOOO much, they stormed the local library and pee-peed on every book they found which contained pictures of boxers and/or stars in it.

Mike Tyson Claims He Has No Recollection Of Ever Hosting A TV Show Of Any Kind

Mike Tyson Claims He Has No Recollection Of Ever Hosting A TV Show Of Any Kind

You are dumb, Mr. Mike Tyson! And one day, you’ll get your comeuppance because I, and many other Southern Christian conservatives like me, have really, really big guns and we KNOW how to use them! We are not afraid Mr. Blasphemer. We are not afraid of you one tiny bit. Now why don’t you put that on your stupid TV show and smoke it, eh?

Islamic Fundamentalism & Ken Ham: Let’s Compare

Me

Me

It was brought to my attention, that Ken Ham, Creationist and intellectual Neanderthal, commented, when I satirically said I was going to eat him for Christmas dinner a while back, that I was only picking on him because I was afraid to pick on Islam. Well, Ken, you were wrong. I’m going to pick on Islamic Fundamentalism right now, but don’t think that gives you a pass. I’m going to pick on you, too. I’ll use The Bible and The Qur’an to look for parallels between the primordial workings of your frontal lobes, and the withered frontal lobes of those practicing the hate-ridden, subhuman, bestial religion known as Islamic Fundamentalism. See, little Kenny, I pick on Islam, too. Stupid this or stupid that, it’s all the same, stupid.

Ken Ham: Bible Literalist

Ken Ham: Bible Literalist

Here’s how this will work, folks. I’m going to comment on two direct quotes from The Qur’an, and two from The Bible. First, I’ll quote from the Qur’an, comment on how moved I am by Allah’s words; then quote from The Bible, which Ken Ham says is literally true, and offer my comments on that. Since Ken Ham says every single word in the Bible is true, I am taking everything in it to represent his personal beliefs 100% accurately. And I mean word for fucking word, literally, as written, with no room for interpretation. That clear, little Kenny. Good. Here we go.

The Qur’an, First Quote: Christians and Jews (who believe in only part of the Scripture), will suffer in this life and go to hell in the next. 2:85

Lovely, ain’t it? Just lovely. And why, oh why, does everyone insist on hating the Jews? Man, those folks have had a rough fuckin’ ride. Hey! Christians! Yes, you! Christians! How does this quote make you feel? There are mother fuckers out there who believe this is God’s word. They hate you. Millions of people hate you. How do you fucking feel about that? Their “faith” is stronger than yours, Christians. Like that? Little Kenny, how ’bout you? This shit is taken literally by many, many Muslims. How the fuck do you like that? Oh, they’re not joking, little Kenny. They REALLY want you to suffer. Does that make you feel good?Quotation-Al-Stefanelli-religion-world-people-Meetville-Quotes-200125 The Bible, First Quote: Deuteronomy 25:11-1: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

I actually like it when women grab my cock, even if I’m in a fist fight with another dude when they do it. Hell, I encourage them to use both hands. In case one falls off during the fight. But Ken Ham believes a woman who does something like this must have her hand cut off, without pity. Kenny, you violent son of a bitch! I didn’t know you had it in you. Wow. Literally reading the Bible makes me very afraid of you, Kenny. Very. You’re a psychopath. I’m just fucking around with my writings, but you, you take this shit literally, as God’s specific, unchangeable words and desires. Fuck you, Kenny. And don’t give me this shit that Genesis is literal but other parts of the Bible aren’t. The Bible is or is not to be taken literally, you violent misogynistic psychopath, you.

The Qur’an, Second Quote: Part One: Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people. 2:193a

Part Two: But if there are any wrong-doers around after you’ve killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you’ll have to kill them too. 2:193b 303418_472012259482844_2086843371_nCriminals get killed AFTER all the disbelievers. Nice. Whenever someone tells you, or you hear, that Islam is a religion of peace, and love, reread this verse. Reread it until your eyes bleed. Millions of people on Earth, right now, today, this second, believe, with all the power “faith” brings to people, that these words are true and are to be carried out. Combine this with the hate-filled, disgusting rhetoric of Fundamentalist Christians, and we have a really, really fucked up situation. It is not OK to give faiths or beliefs or religions any type of special deference as a society. Continuing to do so will destroy us. This kind of black and white religious thinking is increasing, not getting better. It is coupled with a powerful anti-science sentiment as well, and this is not OK. It is sickening. Horrible. Terrifying. And Ken Ham, you are as guilty as your Islamic counter parts in feeding this process. It will annihilate the human race and leave nothing of us behind if we don’t stop it. Reread the verse above. Now reread it again. Now, use your fucking head about how important “faith” really is to mankind’s survival and grow the fuck up. islam_will_dominateThe Bible, Second Quote: And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son…. (II Kings 6:28-29)

So, little Kenny Ham is a fucking cannibal! What an hypocritical son of a whore you are, Kenny. I’m writing over the top, hate or love it, satire. I don’t mean it LITERALLY!!! But YOU! You, Kenny! YOU DO! You sick fucking bastard! The Bible, literally! Word for word! Really, Kenny. So tell me, you sick twisted excuse of a man, how do boiled babies REALLY taste? You fuck! You dare call people who do not believe in your god sinners, evil, doomed, cannibals, immoral, and corrupt, and then say you are a devotee of The Bible, which you take LITERALLY! You sick son of a bitch. What a pair of balls you have on you. You know, I hope your god, Jesus, is real. And when you die, you actually get called out on all the evil you do, and all the pain and hurt you bring into the world by condemning people who simply disbelieve in your god. I hope Jesus personally escorts you into the Hell you condemn others to.

Christianity Is About Love?

Christianity Is About Love?

You, little Kenny, read the Bible literally. It is you who boil and eat babies, literally. And as far as my limited human mind can tell, The Bible, literal or not, was not written as a piece of satire. Fuck you, Kenny. Take a long look in the mirror before you ever think of passing any kind of judgmental thought on any of your fellow human beings ever again. And take a fucking science class, will you? The Earth is 6000 years old only, unbelievable.

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.