Monthly Archives: September 2013

09.14.13
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Zeus Destroys Yemen With Massive Bolts Of Lightning

Yemen today was turned into a smoldering pile of charred debris when Zeus, ruler of the gods of ancient Greece, unleashed a torrent of massive lightning bolts into it from his home atop Mount Olympus. “Fuck Yemen!” Zeus said. “I read yesterday that an 8-year-old ‘bride’ was killed there on her ‘wedding night’ by her 40 something year old husband when he fucked her and tore her insides to pieces. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that, for even a second, tolerates, to any degree, a religious or cultural ideology that allows the families of young girls to make arrangements for them to be married to pedophile rapists for a fee, needs to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Fuck that shit! Sick bastards! I’m old, and it isn’t as easy for me to keep track of everything down there like it once was, but you can believe me when I say, stories like this will ALWAYS get to me at some point. I’m hoping I sent a message today that was clear and concise. If a country doesn’t make it its top priority to wipe its ass of the shit stained individuals and organizations that allow, condone, or cover up the rape of children, I’m wiping it off the planet. No questions asked. Vatican City, is next.”

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning

09.13.13
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Obama Calls Putin A Putz, Putin Demands Apology.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said today, while holding back tears, that President Obama called him a putz and a sissy for releasing a statement, addressed to the American people, which was very critical of American policies in the Middle East and on Syria in particular. “I can understand President Obama being angry with me,” Mr. Putin said, “but he did not have to call me in the middle of the night just to call me a putz and a sissy. Name calling is very immature and cruel. It leaves deep psychological scars on its victims. It may not be obvious to everyone, but I’m a very sensitive person, and when people shout at me and call me names, well, it hurts. I’ve been in tears since getting off the phone. I demand that President Obama call me back and apologize. If he doesn’t, well, that will just be one less Christmas card I’ll be sending out next year then, won’t it?!”

Hurt Putin Wants Apology

Hurt Putin Wants Apology

Obama: "You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me?!"

Obama: “You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me?!”

09.12.13
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Molly Malone And Why I Love Folk Songs

Singing and learning about folk songs are two of my favorite joys in life. Folk songs are the poems of the people, and they belong to us all. They are about us. Our day-to-day lives and all the happy and sad shit that happens to us each day we are here.Traditionally, folk songs were passed on from one group of people to another orally and not written down til decades or even centuries later. There are really no”correct”versions for most of them because of this. The melodies to some go back centuries and are fairly consistent, but people have added and changed the lyrics to many, many times over the years, sometimes so much so the whole meaning of the song has changed from what it once was. Woody Guthrie wrote “This Land Is Your Land” during the Great Depression era as a response to Irving Berlin after he wrote “God Bless America”.  It is an angry song and it has the rhetorical message that America SHOULD be for you AND me, but actually isn’t. Few people sing the whole song as Guthrie wrote it, so it often surprises people when they learn this about it. It did me, anyway.

One of my favorite folk songs is the Irish tune, “Molly Malone.” I do a kick-ass version of this “unofficial” anthem of Dublin myself, if I must say. It is about a fictional fish monger/working girl named Molly Malone who sells cockles and mussels by day but, though the lyrics don’t mention this, is a beautiful, desired “working gal” by night. She gets sick and dies young and that’s it for her. Fucking awesome song.When I first heard it in a Dublin pub years ago I knew it was one I had to sing. Though she wasn’t a real person , a cool statue of her, and her hot cleavage, stands proudly in Dublin for all to see. Also, the 13th of June, I think, is Molly Malone day there and an official holiday. Dublin takes a day off to celebrate for a women who never existed because THAT’S how much they love the song about her. In reality, I tend to think an 18th century fish monger would smell so much like dead fish by the time night came, any night-time frolicking for pay would be a profitless under taking.  The Newfoundland group, “Great Big Sea” with Alan Doyle does this song well. Alan Doyle and Russell Crowe do a version of this I like too, which I’ve put below. Sinead O’Connor does a beautiful version and I’ve included that as well. Any way, I’ll write more on folk songs in future posts.

09.10.13
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Obama Sends Secret Weapon, Miley Cyrus, To Fuck With Syria

President Obama today said too much time had been wasted on debates about whether or not we should launch a military strike against Syria for its recent use of chemical weapons. “It’s time to hit those bastards hard for using that weapon. It caused great pain and suffering to those struck by it.” The President said. “So I’ve decided to deploy a secret pain inducing weapon of our own to Syria to show its leaders exactly what unfair, nasty, ugly warfare is like. Secret weapon, Miley Cyrus, will enter Syria and wag her tongue at every Syrian Official she finds. She will then gyrate her skinny ass in their faces while she sings every song in her catalog over and over and over again. Psychologists have determined no human mind can tolerate more than 30 minutes of this treatment without suffering a complete and irreversible psychic collapse. After Ms. Cyrus is finished with Syria, I absolutely fucking guarantee you they’ll never use a chemical weapon again.”

Obama Tells Syria, I'm Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!

Obama Tells Syria, I’m Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!

Miley Cyrus Says, I'm Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria's Ass

Miley Cyrus Says, I’m Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria’s Ass

09.07.13
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Shakespeare Says Mumford And Sons Are Plagiarizing Sons-Of-Bitches

Shakespeare Is Really Pissed At Mumford And Sons

Shakespeare Is Really Pissed At Mumford And Sons

An angry Shakespeare called the British folk band, Mumford and Sons, plagiarizers and sons-of-bitches this morning from his home in Elysium. “This is ridiculous,” The Bard proclaimed, while chewing on a big-ass piece of bubble gum. “They took the words to MY song, ‘Sigh No More’, from MY play, ‘Much Ado About Nothing’, and put them in a money-making song they claim is “theirs”! Fuck that! I’m a business man above and foremost. It’s not OK to steal my shit and profit from it without giving me a cut. Did they think because I’m living on another plane of existence I wouldn’t find out, eventually? Plagiarizing pricks! Write your own fucking lyrics to your own fucking songs or pay me for using mine! I’m going to sue them. I’m going to sue them for everything they have and make them dance naked in front of me while they beg forgiveness from me. Then I’ll throw rotten veggies at them and laugh! Bastards! How dare they do this!? I can assure you this: They’ll wish they never heard the name William Shakespeare by the time I’m done with ’em!”