Paul’s Letter To The Italians

Dear Italians. Hi. my name is Paul, and I'm writing to you because I and some of my pals will soon be visiting your fine country of Italy. I've heard you all have great food and wine there and have really spiffy hotels. I'm hoping

Dear Italians, I’m writing to thank you for your great food and wine.  I often eat at Italian restaurants, lasagna is my absolute favorite dish, and every time I do, I say to myself, “Self, you need to write a letter to the Italian people and thank them for their awesome food.”  So, that’s what I’m doing.   Thanks again, Italians.  You guys are friggin’ great.   Yours in great eats, Paul, Creator of Christianity

 

Abraham’s Babysitting Service

Abraham: Best Damn Father EVER!

Abraham: Best Damn Father EVER!

Sacrifice City, California.   Is your baby holding back your social life?  Do you need a break from all those “parental” responsibilities that are simply wearing you the fuck out?  Well, then we’ve got just the thing for you.  Abraham’s Baby Sitting Service.  Abraham, yes, THAT Abraham, has returned to Earth to offer his services as a babysitter, for the nominal fee of $65.95 per hour, to parents who need a good ole fashioned break from, well, parenting.  Who better to leave your child with than the decrepit old fart who almost killed his son because “God” told him to?   How many babysitters do you know who can even claim to have spoken to God at all, eh?  None that we can think of, that’s for sure.  So, if you feel it’s time for a break from your child, simply leave him in the hands of the guy God spoke to and said: “STOP!  Don’t cut your boy’s throat.  I was just fuckin’ with ya!”  Book an appointment to have Abe watch your child today at http://www.godtalks2abe.com, and receive, absolutely free,  a shiny new, solid silver, steak-carving knife.  Oh, and remember, tell Abe the Pontificator sent ya’.

Adventures With Yoda

Pulled over, I was.  Speeding, I was.  Told me this, the police did.  Angry this made me.  In a hurry, I was.  Waiting for me, my date was.  Jedi mind trick I used.  Let me off with simply a warning, the policeman did.  On time, I was, for my date.  Sometimes, good to be a Jedi, it is.

Pulled over, I was.  Speeding, I was.  Told me this, the policeman did.  Upset this made me.  In a hurry I was.  Waiting for me, my date was.  Jedi mind trick I used.  Let me off with a warning, the policeman did.  On time for my date, I was.  Sometimes, good to be a Jedi it is.

Ladies, Donald Trump Wants To Be Your Baby Daddy

Donald Trump Wants You To Have His Kids

Donald Trump Wants You To Have His Kids

Ego Town, Kansas.   Donald Trump announced today that he wants to have children with as many women as he can.  “As any real American can tell you,” Trump said earlier, “I’m the greatest thing to happen to the United States EVER!  Part of my greatness lies, of course, in my amazing skills as a lover.  Besides having a 14 inch penis and the ability to have 12, yes 12, orgasms an hour, my hands have been registered in all 50 states as powerful sex toys.   In November, I will be elected Emperor of America.  As a great lover, and soon to be Emperor, I want my seed spread across the country in the wombs of as many women as possible.   So, if you are a woman between the ages of 18 and 30 who wants to have wild sex with me, Donald Trump, AND become a receptacle for my manly, fertile seed, then go to http://www.Iwantdonaldsdick.com and register for a ride you’ll never forget.  It’s a first come, first serve basis, ladies.  So register early if you want to be one of the first to say, Donald Trump is my baby daddy!”

Donald Trump Kills Puppies, Rises In Popularity

Donald Trump: Killer of Puppies

Donald Trump: Killer of Puppies

Hate-Da-Poor City, New Jersey.   In order to show how evil he is and how insipidly vile the Republican Party is, Donald Trump today killed 45 puppies on live TV.  “I killed these 45 puppies with this sawed off shotgun to illustrate that, no matter how disgusting my actions are, Republicans will still worship the ground I walk on as if I were a god,” Mr. Trump said, right after killing the pups. “My poll numbers skyrocket with each disgusting behavior I publicly exhibit.  This proves to me that I WILL be your President, America, because I’m exactly the type of President you deserve.  God bless you, America, and God bless the rich.”

A Little Tale From Supergirl

You folks aren't gonna believe what happened to me last night.  I was walking down the street dressed in my civilian garb as Kara Zor-El, when this brutish thug of a man grabs me and says he's gonna rape me.  Me for god's sake!  Boy, was he surprised when I broke his arms and legs and fried his genitals into tiny raisins with my heat vision.  I may not be powerful enough to stop all crime and violence against women, but this is one bastard I can guarantee will never bother anyone ever again.

You folks aren’t gonna believe what happened to me last night.  I was walking down the street, dressed in my civilian garb as Kara Zor-El, when this brutish thug of a man grabs me and says he’s gonna rape me.  Me for god’s sake!  Boy, what an idiot.  I broke both his arms and both his legs, and I fried his genitals to a crisp with my heat vision.  I may not be powerful enough to stop all crime and violence against women, but this is one bastard I can guarantee will never bother anyone ever again.

A Few Words From Mountain Man Mike

Meet guest commentator, Mountain Man Mike, a dude I bumped into on the train and asked for a few brief words for my blog.

Mountain Man Mike Says, "Git yer space alien, Illuminati, government lovin' ass off my mountain 'fer I shoots ya'!"

Mountain Man Mike Says, “Git yer space alien, Illuminati, government-lovin’ ass outta my face ‘fer I shoots ya’!  Wait!  Is dat a fanny pack yer wearin’?  Well, then gimme the gardamn thing or I really will shoots ya’, ya’ gardamn, sissified, double-fisted, hand-job givin’, leftist som’bitch!  Now git!  Go on!  Git!”