Sacrifice City, California. Is your baby holding back your social life? Do you need a break from all those “parental” responsibilities that are simply wearing you the fuck out? Well, then we’ve got just the thing for you. Abraham’s Baby Sitting Service. Abraham, yes, THAT Abraham, has returned to Earth to offer his services as a babysitter, for the nominal fee of $65.95 per hour, to parents who need a good ole fashioned break from, well, parenting. Who better to leave your child with than the decrepit old fart who almost killed his son because “God” told him to? How many babysitters do you know who can even claim to have spoken to God at all, eh? None that we can think of, that’s for sure. So, if you feel it’s time for a break from your child, simply leave him in the hands of the guy God spoke to and said: “STOP! Don’t cut your boy’s throat. I was just fuckin’ with ya!” Book an appointment to have Abe watch your child today at http://www.godtalks2abe.com, and receive, absolutely free, a shiny new, solid silver, steak-carving knife. Oh, and remember, tell Abe the Pontificator sent ya’.
Ego Town, Kansas. Donald Trump announced today that he wants to have children with as many women as he can. “As any real American can tell you,” Trump said earlier, “I’m the greatest thing to happen to the United States EVER! Part of my greatness lies, of course, in my amazing skills as a lover. Besides having a 14 inch penis and the ability to have 12, yes 12, orgasms an hour, my hands have been registered in all 50 states as powerful sex toys. In November, I will be elected Emperor of America. As a great lover, and soon to be Emperor, I want my seed spread across the country in the wombs of as many women as possible. So, if you are a woman between the ages of 18 and 30 who wants to have wild sex with me, Donald Trump, AND become a receptacle for my manly, fertile seed, then go to http://www.Iwantdonaldsdick.com and register for a ride you’ll never forget. It’s a first come, first serve basis, ladies. So register early if you want to be one of the first to say, Donald Trump is my baby daddy!”
Hate-Da-Poor City, New Jersey. In order to show how evil he is and how insipidly vile the Republican Party is, Donald Trump today killed 45 puppies on live TV. “I killed these 45 puppies with this sawed off shotgun to illustrate that, no matter how disgusting my actions are, Republicans will still worship the ground I walk on as if I were a god,” Mr. Trump said, right after killing the pups. “My poll numbers skyrocket with each disgusting behavior I publicly exhibit. This proves to me that I WILL be your President, America, because I’m exactly the type of President you deserve. God bless you, America, and God bless the rich.”
Meet guest commentator, Mountain Man Mike, a dude I bumped into on the train and asked for a few brief words for my blog.