At the annual Heaven and Hell Labor Day Picnic yesterday, Jesus, the Lamb of God, broke up a nasty verbal exchange between the father of Judaism, Abraham, and the scourge of the Jewish people, Adolph Hitler. “That son of a bitch!”, Abraham stated after the incident. “He was shouting anti-Semitic slurs at me every time he got near me. I’ve told Jesus many times that Adolph is just not “good people” and shouldn’t be allowed at these get togethers we have. The same thing happened at the Christmas party last year and I kept my cool. But I told Jesus if it happened again I was going cuss the bastard out. So I did. And guess what? Jesus gets pissed at ME cause I told Hitler to go fuck himself. I shouldn’t cuss, Jesus says to me. Try to be more understanding, He says. Learn to forgive, He says. Not everyone can bloody forgive people WHILE they’re nailing you to a cross, I said to Him! Some of us are human!!! Dude just handed me a Vodka tonic, patted my head, and smiled. That’s Jesus for you. He did, at least, send Hitler back to Hell without dessert, so He does have SOME sense of justice in Him. Thank God.”
Sky Fairy City, Oklahoma. One of the pearly gates to Heaven fell from the sky today and crushed Gary, Indiana into dust. “My bad,” the owner of Heaven, God, said this morning. “I’ve been meaning to have the pearly gates repaired for several centuries now, but just haven’t gotten around to it. It simply slipped my mind. No, that’s not it. I was busy helping heal the sick of India so I didn’t have time to fix them. Yeah, that sounds much better. Also, I was busy preventing cancer and heart attacks all around the globe, so gate-fixing was the farthest thing from my mind, OK? Oh, hell, what difference does it make anyway? It was GARY that was smashed to dust for Christ’s sake, not a REAL city like New York. In two years, no one will remember any of this, so whip-Dee-frickin’-do! Get over it already. BTW, if anyone out there knows of a good contractor, let me know. I’ve got a huge-ass gate to rebuild up here in Heaven, and I’ve no idea where to begin.”
The concept of Grace used to come up quite often during my 15 years of formal Catholic education, but I’ve retained little of what I learned about it back then. So I recently decided to re-enlighten myself on the subject by reading what the Catholic Church and one or two other Christian denominations had to say about it. In all honesty, if I hadn’t already been an a-theist, I’d have become one based solely upon what I read. Though there are subtle semantic differences to how, say, Lutherans and Catholics define “grace”, the basic premise, and one I find deeply insulting, is fundamentally the same. Because of Adam and Eve’s original disgusting sin, little ‘ol me and you were born into this world with our immortal souls awash in filth, evil, debauchery, and contempt for God, our Master. It is only by the “grace” of this same benevolent and all-loving Master that the rancid stench of insipid evil can be bleached from our souls and save us from an eternity of burning agony in Hell.
Our Master sending his beloved son, Jesus, to be brutally tortured and crucified on our behaves is the only “grace” needed to save us, according to some Christian doctrines. Others claim we must more actively earn the Master’s “grace” through obtaining sacraments and verbally abusing gays, Jews, and Democrats. Even others say we have the Master’s “grace” and are saved, or we don’t, and will burn. Period. We won’t know which, until we die and awake either burning in Hell or having amazing oral sex performed on us by the person or persons we most want performing oral sex on us in Heaven.
I find such beliefs to be immoral, repugnant, anti-human, and personally offensive. I am not evil and I do not require a made up creature to give me “grace” for anything. Such thinking, in my completely honest opinion, is at the core of man’s inhumanity toward man. This includes all forms of child abuse, rape, war, torture, and poverty. Human beings are not born stained. It is doctrines like those describing “grace” that stain the collective human consciousness with a guilt it neither deserves, nor needs. We are all there is of us. No god or grace from a god is needed to save anyone. We are important to ourselves because we are here. And if tomorrow we are not here, there will be no one to notice, much less care. We truly are THAT unimportant to the universe.
Peaceville, Nirvana. According to sources close to The Buddha, Disney today made an offer to buy Nirvana from him for an undisclosed amount, but The Buddha said, “No thanks.”
“Man, The Buddha is just not interested in money,” said Buddha spokesperson, Fr. Tom “Stiggy” Stigmata, who has lived in Nirvana for close to a thousand years now. “This guy is happy just sitting under a shady tree all day and listening to Beatles tunes. He loves it here. It’s his home. I know God just recently sold Heaven to Disney for like a trillion, billion dollars, and I’m not bashing him for it, but The Buddha worked too damn hard to just sell this place to Disney so they can turn it into an amusement park.”
The Buddha himself had no comment on the matter other than to politely decline the offer to be interviewed.
When I entered my office this morning to sit in my arm-chair and pontificate, I found it was already occupied by an exhausted and disheveled looking Jesus. I was, of course, rather surprised by this, and, after first asking him to please sit on the couch because only I sit in the arm-chair, I asked why he was there. This is what he said.
“First of all, let me please apologize for my appearance and my unannounced visitation, but, after last night, I really just needed a quiet place to chill for a few hours. You see, just prior to coming here, I squelched the flames of a wild brew ha ha between Heaven and Hell. Yesterday, we held our annual Heaven & Hell Easter party at the McCormick Center here in Chicago. It was really a fun party, too, at least for the first few hours. Elvis got Buddy Holly and Roy Orbison to sing ‘Heart Break Hotel’ with him at one point, and it totally kicked ass! However, as has happened once too often now, the bloody Nazis just couldn’t resist the temptation to pick on famous Old Testament Jews.
From what I could gather, Joseph Mengele apparently thought it would be knee-slappingly hilarious to tape a big swastika onto the back of the Prophet Isiah who’d, once again, drunk himself into a stupor and passed out, face first, on one of the buffet tables. No one noticed it at first, but then Hitler saw it and let out a laugh so loud it shook the windows. This woke Isiah who quickly reached behind his back and removed the swastika. He then let fly a series of X-rated superlatives so crude even soldiers in the midst of battle couldn’t match them. This, of course, only provoked Hitler to more laughter, which, in turn, motivated a nearby Noah to punch Hitler in the face. Hitler then fell backward onto the floor, right in front of Gerald Ford, who, of course, tripped over him and fall into the door of a nearby broom closet producing a loud, BANG! The door swung open to reveal a very startled JFK with his pants down and his snoodle up the doodle of Marilyn Monroe. To add more fuel to the fire, Jackie O happened to be sitting at a table directly across from all this flirting with Genghis Khan. When she saw Kennedy and Monroe together, she grabbed the sword Genghis Khan had next to him and charged the broom closet. I was just coming back into the building with Jim Morrison, we were out back smoking a pipe during all this, when Jackie O started her charge.
Immediately, I froze time, I’m God, I can do shit like that, and took the sword from her before unfreezing it. Then I held her in a bear hug until she calmed enough for me to trust she wouldn’t kill anyone. I then spent the next several hours sorting out what the hell happened. Once I had, I made Mengele apologize to Isiah for acting like such a, well, Nazi, and explained to Noah that, even though Hitler is evil incarnate, it was wrong to strike him. We simply have to be better than that. Anyway, after that, I came here to chill and think for a while. I’ve decided Heaven and Hell will celebrate holidays separately from now on. I’m just getting too damn old for this kinda shit.” The end.
To the next theist who tells me it is not possible for me, or any one else, to really be an a-theist, or that a-theism is a religion or a “Faith” based belief of some kind, I offer the following definitions:
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures
The definition of atheism starts and ends here for me. I do not care if others belong to atheistic churches, are new or old atheists, seek to convert the religious to become non-religious, or actively hate theists. The definition starts and ends for me with the one above. I find the defensive, battle-ready stance of some theists when I say I’m a non-theist to be offensive, ignorant, bigoted, and above all else, really fucking annoying. What’s even more annoying is when Christians try to tell me who it is I am. I recently was told that I can’t REALLY be an a-theist because one can’t know ABSOLUTELY that Jesus doesn’t exist, so at best all I, or any non-believer, can truly be is agnostic. After reflecting on this being said to me, I’ve come up with this response: Fuck You! Fuck you, you defensive Christian pussy. No, really. Fuck you!
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me define who I am to the Christian idiots who think they know me better than I do myself. Just because it is impossible to prove a thing does not exist, does not mean that it does, or that I think it does. I do not believe the following things exist because I see NO evidence that they do: Big Foot, UFO’s, Aliens who kidnap people, fondle them, then return them to their beds without leaving a single piece of evidence they were ever there, Ancient Aliens who built the pyramids, The Loch Ness Monster, Thor, Odin, Loki, Osiris, Isis, Jesus, Allah, Vampires, Ghosts, Spirits, etc, etc, etc. Please note that I did not say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these things to exist. I simply see no reason AT ALL to believe they do. Christians are atheists when it comes to Ra, Zeus, and Isis. They’re not agnostic when it comes to them. They simply do not believe they exist. I’m a non-theist when it comes to all gods, even Jesus. And if you’ve forgotten already what that word means, see the above definitions again and the Sam Harris quote below. Keep reading them over and over until they sink into the muddled mass of feces you call a brain, and STOP thinking you are so omnipotent as to know me. You don’t. You DO NOT define me. I do. Lastly, the same Christians who’ve been so quick to define me are perhaps the most defensive fuckers about their own omnipotent “Faith” as I’ve ever seen people be. I do not believe what you do. I do not care that you believe it. I know it is central to your life, but it isn’t to mine. I’ve no interest in attacking you or converting you, yet this does not seem to matter. It’s as if my disbelief in your god somehow threatens you and your god. This behavior makes you and your god pussies in my eyes, and places a neon sign over your head that reads: “Idiot Seeking Argument Out Of Fear Of Being Wrong. Stay Clear.” I am not interested in debating with Christians, converting them, hating them, or treating them in any other way than I treat anyone else or expect myself to be treated. But know this, judge me, think you’ve some divine right to define and label me, and you’ve gained an enemy, someone who hates not only you, but your mother for having you and your father for fucking your mother and impregnating her with you. If I had total confidence in the fact that an almighty being was REALLY my creator, and I was going to Heaven when I died, I’d not be such a defensive pussy when someone simply told me they did not share my beliefs. That is the sign of a weasel, a spineless weasel who must make others wrong so that he can feel right about himself and his”Faith.” I did not come to the realization I was an atheist with hate in my heart for Christians who behave in such a way. But it is there now. They’ve earned it. Every single last bit of it.
The Human Race shocked the world and itself today when it was awarded unlimited free access to Paradise, Eden, and all Disney produced films from now until the end of days as settlement in its lawsuit against God for child endangerment, reckless abandonment, and gross criminal negligence dating back to its creation. “We just got tired of all the silence,” said Jill Filmeup, a human, and representative of her race. “To give birth to us and then just toss us to the proverbial wolves as infants without so much as a phone call on Christmas is not acceptable behavior. No other parent would be excused for treating a child in such a way, and God is no exception. He’ll never admit it, but I personally believe His main problem is He’s a type ‘A’ personality who felt driven to create the universe and human beings before He was actually ready for the responsibility of it all. He really needed to sort out His shit before creating kids. As any parent will tell you, having children isn’t easy, and it takes A LOT of your time. You can’t just leave an infant in the woods to fend for itself because caring for it is harder than you’d thought it would be. One’s responsibilities change when one decides to have kids, and God tried to brush away His by telling us His ways are just too mysterious for us to comprehend, and we shouldn’t even try. We did try, and we do understand. You, God, are a lazy, negligent parent. Period. Hopefully this ruling will help HIM understand this. But, even if it does, getting Him to honor it isn’t going to be easy.”