Monthly Archives: July 2018

07.31.18
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Trump Farts In Elevator, Blames Obama

Trump Making A “I Just Farted Face.”

Gaslight City, Iowa.   President Trump today farted in an elevator full of people in Trump Tower in New York and quickly blamed it on Obama even though Obama was not in the elevator.    “Yes, I know the fart smell in this elevator is awful,” Trump reportedly said to the people on the elevator, “but I’m NOT the one who blew the fart.  No, it was Obama who did it.  Yes, I know he isn’t here right now, but at some point in the past he was most likely on this very elevator, you can’t prove he wasn’t, and farted so powerfully that the stench from it is STILL in here.   I’ve been cleaning up the stench of Obama’s failures for a year and a half now, and I must now get someone to clean his fart stink from this elevator before it causes the stock market to crash or something worse.”

When it was pointed out to President Trump that people on the elevator actually heard the fart sound come from his buttocks, he declared, “No fart sound!  No collusion!  No fart smell!  No collusion!  This is clearly a witch hunt to try to blame ME for a fart sound I did not make!  This must stop in order for our country to function again.  I’ve no further comment except to say, no fart sound!  No collusion!  None whatsoever!  This interview is OVER!”

07.14.18
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Take This Quiz To Find Out How Big Of A Trump Supporter You Are

This Trump quiz was written by, and co-sponsored by, Russian President Vladimir Putin and former New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani.  Take it to see just how big of a Trump supporter you truly are.

1.) Climate change is:  A.) Bullshit  B.) A liberal sob story with no basis in reality  C.) An attempt by Hillary Clinton to rule the world  D.) The true last name of Barrack Obama  E.) All of the above

2.) Evolution is:  A.) A Type of New York style pizza  B.) An atheist attack on Christmas  C.) Something you don’t truly understand but criticize anyway because it’s easier to do that than to actually find out more about it  D.) Whatever Donald Trump tells you it is  E.)  All of the above

3.) The most unfairly treated person in world history is:  A.) Jesus Christ  B.) OJ Simpson  C.) John Wayne Gacy  D.) Any child with painful, terminal brain cancer  E.) Donald Trump

4.) Donald Trump’s penis is:  A.) The biggest penis ever  B.) Elephant sized  C.) Used frequently near or around women without their consent D.) Oranger than the rest of him E.) Called “Donny’s ‘lil man” by Vladimir Putin

5.) Robert Mueller is:  A.) A mother fucker  B.) A brutish, liberal thug who’s out to get President Trump  C.) Never sober  D.)  Leading an unwarranted witch hunt against Donald Trump  E.)  All of the above

6.) Reality is:  A.) Whatever Donald Trump says it is  B.) Not anything the liberal media says it is  C.) A fluent, movable thing that rarely is the same thing two days in a row  D.) Based solely on opinion and nothing more  E.) All of the above

7.) Donald Trump is orange because:  A.) He eats a lot of carrots  B.) All superior human beings are orange  C.) It’s Putin’s favorite color  D.) He isn’t really orange, you idiot.  You’re eyes are just playing tricks on you  E.) He gets peed on a lot

8.) Christmas is:  A.) Something Muslims hate  B.) A capitalist’s wet dream  C.) A time to not give gifts to people you hate so they’ll REALLY know you hate them  D.) Warred on yearly by non-believing, atheist bastards  E.) All of the above

9.) Canada is:  A.) America’s biggest enemy  B.) A country filled with weenies  C.) A country filled with oddballs who talk funny  D.) Physically too close to America for comfort  E.) All of the above

10.) Alternate facts are:  A.) The only true facts  B.) True only when a spokesperson for Donald Trump states them  C.) Preferable over true facts  D.)  Not alternate so much as real  E.) All of the above

 

 

07.08.18
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The Media Is Out To Get Me

These Effing Sons O’ Bitches Are Out To Ruin Me

As anyone who reads this blog knows, several years ago I awarded myself a Nobel Prize because I felt I deserved it.  Ever since that time, I’ve been hounded and mocked by the Nobel Prize Committee simply because I demand they acknowledge my prize.   I prank call them; send dead skunks to their children’s schools, and send fire ant-filled pinatas to the nursing homes were their elderly parents live.  Yet, still, they refuse to acknowledge that I even exist.  Sure, they’ve had restraining orders taken out against me, but, so what?  I’m still out here, and I ain’t going away ’til I get my prize from them.   Recently, however, the media has become involved in the harassment I endure daily from the Nobel Prize Committee.

The media, I once thought, would be my friend against the Nobel Committee.  I sent letters to every major, and minor news outlet in the country to notify them of the great injustice I live with every day of my life.  Not one of them has responded or acknowledged I even exist.  This is ridiculous and cruel.  How many self-awarded Nobel Prize winners are there for Christ’s sake?  None but me that I can think of.  Is this not a major story for the media?  It should be.  But, because the Nobel Prize Committee has tainted my image with the media, I’m ignored by them.  This is abusive, unfair, and cruel.  The media are out to ruin my good name simply by ignoring the great things I’ve done and the great prizes I’ve awarded myself.  I’ll stand for it no more.  From this day forward, I’m declaring war on the media.  They are fake.  And, since they refuse to tout my greatness, everything they say and report about is fake.

My Arch Enemies. I Hate These Bastards.

I’ve got a letter in to Rudy Giuliani  demanding that he stop talking smack to the media about Robert Mueller and start talking smack to them about how unfair they’re being to me.  So far, he’s not responded to me.   He’d better , or I’ll send a porcupine to his New York office to stick quills in his butt.   My war on the media now joins my war on the Nobel Prize Committee, and it will continue unabated until I receive all the praise I’ve decided I deserve from both of them.  It’s gonna get ugly around here, folks.  So buckle up and enjoy the show.  It’s gonna be one you’ll never forget.  $Imperious Rex$