Donald and Melania Trump: classy, honest, highly intelligent, deeply conservative, proudly Christian, and the new image of the GOP. And to think, Republicans once trashed Michelle Obama for wearing a sleeveless dress. Way to go guys. Way to go.
Immigrants Suck Town, New York. Soon to be President, Donald Trump today announced his plans to wall off Liberty Island and write the words, “Fuck You Immigrants! Go Fuckin’ Home!” on the outside of it. “Fuckin’ immigrants suck big, giant, elephant, fuckin’ penis,” President Elect Trump said earlier. “What the fuck kinda country would America be if immigrants were allowed in? Really! What kind? Whatever liberal, candy-ass mother fucker put the Statue of Liberty on that island needs to be flayed alive and boiled in oil. This country is for Americans! Not faggot terrorists from across the Atlantic! Immigrants weren’t allowed in before, so why now? What would the founding fathers think of the abomination that is the Statue of Liberty and Liberty Island? No decent founding father cared a squirt of piss about liberty, foreigners, or fuckin’ statues, so why should I? I’m President now. So fuck anyone who’s not American coming to America. Americans have been in America since Jesus put us here 6000 years ago. So fuck off foreigners! And eat my American grits! God bless America and all those who voted for me, Donald Trump, to be your President. You all need to feel real proud because things can only get better from here.” Imperious Rex!
Sky Fairy City, Oklahoma. One of the pearly gates to Heaven fell from the sky today and crushed Gary, Indiana into dust. “My bad,” the owner of Heaven, God, said this morning. “I’ve been meaning to have the pearly gates repaired for several centuries now, but just haven’t gotten around to it. It simply slipped my mind. No, that’s not it. I was busy helping heal the sick of India so I didn’t have time to fix them. Yeah, that sounds much better. Also, I was busy preventing cancer and heart attacks all around the globe, so gate-fixing was the farthest thing from my mind, OK? Oh, hell, what difference does it make anyway? It was GARY that was smashed to dust for Christ’s sake, not a REAL city like New York. In two years, no one will remember any of this, so whip-Dee-frickin’-do! Get over it already. BTW, if anyone out there knows of a good contractor, let me know. I’ve got a huge-ass gate to rebuild up here in Heaven, and I’ve no idea where to begin.”
Diaperfull City, South Dakota. A new study conducted by a group of people somewhere in Idaho has revealed that toddlers are highly unlikely to vote in this year’s Presidential election. “Yeah,” said Phil McSacken, spokesman for the group of people in Idaho who conducted the study, “none of the toddlers we questioned said they’d be voting in this year’s Presidential election. As a matter of fact, most of them simply belched and spit up on us when we asked them the question. We’re not sure if this means they didn’t like, or understand the question, or if they’re just sickened by the idea of voting all together. Hard to tell with toddlers. They often are hard to read and act as if nothing around them matters except them. We’ll be doing a follow-up study to this one shortly in which we’ll determine which brand of vodka toddlers prefer most. We’ll report on the findings as soon as we have them.”
Meowville, North Carolina. Are you so lazy it makes you poor? Do you find yourself having to eat cat and dog food because you can’t afford anything else to eat? Do you wish there were a pet food that was so packed with nutrients it could help alleviate some of your nutritional concerns as you patiently await death by starvation? Well, then, we here at Conservative Pet Foods, Inc have just the thing for you: ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food. ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food was created by GOP scientists especially for poor and disabled people who are too lazy, drunk and stupid to look for work. Why suffer with poor nutrition as you await the Grim Reaper? Stop eating the trash of your wealthier neighbors and pick up a few cans of ‘Lil Kitty Cat Food today. Your neighbors will thank you for it, as will the police they call every time they catch you digging through their garbage for scraps. Order a few cans now, for just .55 cents a piece, and we’ll toss in a Jesus Hates Beggars T-shirt absolutely free, while supplies last.
*This message has been approved by the Republican National Committee to wipe out the hungry by 2018.
Puffy Hair Valley, Colorado. Donald Trump today admitted he is playing the xenophobic/bully card to help him win the Republican nomination for President. “Let’s face it,” Trump said earlier, “I’m a xenophobe and a bully, and I’m damn proud of it. Being that there are so many other xenophobes and bullies in the Republican Party, I’d be a fool NOT to play this card to my advantage. We xenophobic bullies are a much maligned minority. We face continual harassment for our bullying behavior and xenophobic approach toward life. Just because we believe white males are more American and have more claim on this country than women, Mexicans, blacks, liberals, Asians, Native Americans, people who speak with a stutter, and those with British accents does not make us less equal than other people. In fact, it makes us better than them. So, yes, I’m playing the xenophobic/bully card to gain the Republican nomination for the Presidency. And, once it’s mine, I’ll play the same card, with a dash of misogyny tossed in, to win the Presidency of the United States. God bless America, and God bless white, male, xenophobic bullies who hate women.”