There Can Be No Now

Invisible_Stalker

There can be no

Now

Unless I’m Certain of

Tomorrow

There can be no

Peace

Unless I’m certain

It is

Righteous

I can feel no

Joy

In simply

Being.

Being

Is not, nor can it ever be,

Enough

It is that which comes

After

That matters

Most

The visible is but a phantom, a

Dream

It is the

Invisible

That matters

Most

Because it is the

Invisible

Of which

I

Am most

Afraid

There can be no

Now

Unless I’m certain of

Tomorrow

Therefor,

I

Am

Certain

I

Am

Right

About

Tomorrow

And

I

Am

Certain

That those who

Disagree with

Me

Are

Wrong

This is the

Only way

I

Can live

In the

Now

In

Peace

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The Pilot

airplane-wing

I am a man of

Faith

A man of

God

My head is held

High

When I walk

When I speak

And when I pray

God

Is with me

Always

I feel

His

Love

All around me

I see

His

Wondrous works

I hear

His

Lovely

Voice

He

Tells me of my

Special place in

His

Plan

I need know

Nothing else but

God

And what

He

Wants of me

Faith

Has set me

Free

Faith

Has lifted me

Here

Into the sky

Into this

Vessel

So that I can carry out

His

Plan

His

Desire

His

Will

His

Love

And my

Faith

In

Him

Have

Freed

Me from this

 Earth

And

Made

Righteous

My actions as a

Pilot

I Have A Confession To Make: I’m A Cannibal And I Worship Satan

Recently, I’ve decided to be more honest with myself and others in hopes of getting the Nobel Prize Committee to GET OFF IT’S COLLECTIVE ASS and give me my NOBEL PRIZE already!  So, I’ve a huge confession to make.

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

The Sign Of My Master, Satan

Not only do I eat Christian children and love it, I firmly believe in Satan, a magical invisible guy, and I’ve devoted my entire life, each and every breath of it, to Him and His insipid evil ways. Every night I strip down to a thin silver thong, cover my nipples in garlic butter, and chant morally deprived incantations to the scourge of all Christians, the “E” in all Evil, and the “A” in all atheism, Satan. The mushroom induced incantation I recently recited for my Lord and Master went something like this.

Oh great, nasty, mother fuckin’ Satan! You are soooo nasty and mother fuckin’ rotten! In honor of you and your limitless depravity, today I pushed an old man down to the pavement and told him I did it because I wanted to be more like you. Then I took his wallet and threw it down a sewer while calling him a sissy and a barnyard animal-fucker.  Oh, the fun I had doing it!

Oh, nasty, nasty mother fuckin’ evil one! Oh, enemy of Christians! Oh, bringer of bad smells! I know you’re real, and that you will reward me with many sexually perverted women who’ll use me as their love bitch simply because I have Faith in you.

And it is by Faith, and Faith alone, that I know you are, with absolute and undeniable certainty, real. My Faith in you, oh, Lord of all fecal matter, is infallible and perfect. This is obvious to all who share my Faith in you.  And lastly, oh, ceaseless torturer of puppies and senseless paralyzer of children, I meditated on my Faith in you for a very long time today and concluded it was not possible I could be wrong about your evil existence.  Thus, it is without refute that I know you exist in a timeless, space-less, immaterial, boundless shit-hole somewhere and are as real as real can be.  Bless you my evil Lord, and thank you for helping me become the nasty no-good-nik I proudly am today.

Blind Faith

blind faith

On a dark street, on a Saturday night, a boy plays with a ball. In the blackness he sees a light that soon illuminates his entire being.

“Greetings, Billy.”

“Who are you, Light?”

“An Angel, Billy. I’ve come to make you a hero…an idol to millions.”

“But I’m just an average boy. Wadda want me for?”

“Because, Billy, I want to make you a star…a .398 hitter with a 98 mph fastball and perfect control.”

“Wow! Really!?”

“Yes, Billy. Trust me and your name will live forever in the annals of baseball history.”

“Man! That sounds SOOO cool…but my Mom says never ta talk ta strangers…and anyways, I’m kinda late fer dinner and I really gotta….”

“Listen, William! …Listen to the crowd! It’s the bottom of the ninth, two out, bases loaded with a three,two count..a home run wins The World Series. Listen to them, William!… 55,000 people are chanting YOUR name…. Billeee..Billeee, Billeee! Can’t you hear them, William!? They love you!”

“Yeah! Yeah! I hear ’em!”

“Trust me, Billy, and it’s all yours. Here, Billy, take my hand, and I’ll give it to you.”

“Boy…all those people…Shouting MY name!…Man…O.K. Angel, here’s my hand…give it to me!”

On a dark street, on a Saturday night, a boy is blinded by the light of an oncoming auto, and struck dead.

Ask The Pontificator: Advice From A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner

adviceDear ACP: My name is Billy Virginstein. I’m 17 years old and madly in love with the girl who lives next door to me, Abigale Roundbottom. She’s 17, too. I’m trying to figure out a cool way to ask her out. I’m really nervous because I’ve never asked a girl out before, and I was hoping, that since you are so smart and wise about everything, that you’d give me some advice on how to do it.  Sincerely, Billy Virginstein, Mos Eisley Spaceport, Tatooine.

Billy Virginstein

Billy Virginstein

Dear Billy: The easiest way to ask a girl out is to first tell her you are a god. If she looks at you like you are insane, assure her you are not by insisting she is a faithless hoochie momma for questioning you and for not having faith that you are, indeed, a god. Then tell her that if she agrees to carry your offspring, she will be the mother of little demi-god kids thus achieving the status of godhood herself. Hell, tell her she can tell people that, even though she’s cranking out your babies, she’s technically still a virgin cause she’s having sex only with you, a god, and no mortal man has ever touched her. Believe it or not, LOTS of people readily believe things like this. You must work very hard to make her accept all you say on faith alone. This is the most important advice I can give you. Her faith in what you tell her is the thing that will make her believe you are a god, and no evidence to the contrary will dissuade her otherwise once it is strong enough.

Once she accepts you as a god, on faith alone, you will easily be able to ask her out on that date you want so badly.  I’d suggest, as a first date, you take her on a door to door mission with you to convince other people that you are a god. Start with the homes of known gun owners. Why, you ask? Because once you’ve gotten enough gun owners to believe you are a god, you can use them as soldiers to convince thousands of others to believe it too. Ain’t nothin’ like stickin’ a gun in someone’s face to convince ’em you’re right. Right?

Hope you find this advice helpful, Billy, and good luck. All my best, always, TACP.

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.

How My”Star Wars” Audition Confirmed My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Mediating On My Faith

Self Portrait Of Me Meditating On My Faith

Since my Faith gives me a superiority over the rest of humanity, I decided it was time I did something I’ve always wanted to do: act in a “Star Wars” movie. Yesterday, I went to open auditions for the new “Star Wars” film which are currently being held in Bristol, England.  Though I live in Chicago, and open auditions for said film will soon be held here, I decided spending a grand or two to fly to England and audition made more sense. My Faith works in mysterious ways like that. I just know it’s always right though, cause it’s Faith, and doesn’t require reason or evidence to be true.  Anyway, when I got to the audition, I expected to be recognized for the Faith-filled, Nobel Prize winning, genius I am. I wasn’t.

I expected the casting directors to swoon the moment they realized me, a man of true Faith, had decided to be in their “little” film.  But I was treated no differently than the others around me also auditioning. My Faith immediately told me this was wrong. “You are special, my child, because of ME, your Faith. The beliefs of others are evil if they can not see this. So leave this place because one day, all those without YOUR Faith will burn.” Well, that made perfectly sound sense to me, so I came home. The money I spent on plane tickets was well worth it because it reinforced the truth for me. My Faith was indeed the one true Faith, and those not believing in it were going to burn. I really like my Faith.